To Ex-Freepers on DU: Tell of your transition

[mondo joe]

I know there are some DU members who at one time were Freepers (or pretty close).

Can you tell us about your transition? What prompted it? How did you reconcile what you THOUGHT with what you THINK?

I'm very curious.

Thanks.

[ET Awful]

1. I was a rabid right-wingnut

then I quit snorting crank.

:)

[Bluerthanblue]

2. i'll give you my

briefest and most succinct 'journey' highlights-

i gotta get ready for the ride into the vigil.

i was born into a family in crisis- spent first part of life in family foster care- returned to home crisis still present- removed from family again at age 4 because of institutionalization of mother for untreated mental illness which caused major physical injuries, placed in family foster care, where i was left in care-at the mercy of 18yr old male relative who removed any innocence and ability to believe that the world was a safe place that remained in me.
i returned to birth home- mother little better, but everyone knowing how to 'hide' from the world. became very rebelious, reckless, was an adolescent hippy, ran away from home at 17- did drugs, wild girl, married man i knew was not a 'safe' person- and then decided i'd settle down and make a 'happy childhood' as a mom.

stupid.
buried baby daughter.
buried hope.
wanted someone to tell me what i had to do to make the world 'safe'-
what i had to do to be 'ok'
gave birth to son, terrified of losing him.
needed to belong- to have a 'rule book'
stopped rebelling, found 'god' believed THAT was the answer to all my flaws.
became obsessively obedient, submissive, devout.
immersed myself in church, and believed sin in my life was the cause of all troubles-
bought the fundementalist mentality hook line and sinker.
lost several pregnancies and continued to believe i was harboring some unconfessed sin.
volunteered for any and every opportunity to 'prove' to the world 'i was good' or at least ok'
believed aids was gods judgement on mankind.
worked for pro-life groups.
voted (gag) republican-
put on a 'good public face'-
believed my husband when he said he'd change-
let down my guard.
began adoption of special needs infant.
believed i had finally found the 'secret' to life.
husband flipped out- worse than ever. back to drugs.
wouldn't work- i feared loss of our children.
church cared, but said i needed to pray more-
life got more and more dangerous- church said god hates divorce.
feared loss of children, more than loss of my life.
wouldn't face what i was subjecting children to.
friends stepped in and physically removed me, and children-
cared for children while i was in hospital.
sheltered me and children and protected us for several months.
re-united with father-
ex disapeared- then resurfaced in colorado prison.
divorced.
church uncomfortable when facing the ugly reality that had been one of the 'poster families'.
father dies unexpectedly.
mother dies 4 mos later.
best friends move away.
church asks why i continue to attract suffering.
lost ALL church friends- my entire community-
buried several pagan friends,

i'm gonna quit the specifics here- i was a very troubled person, seeking sanity in a crazy world. i found the discipline and 'rules' of religion to be my 'magic pill' (like underdog). i put every bit of trust and effort i had to 'being' good as defined by the fundementalist right wing church, even when my consience rebelled- even when my compassion was screaming in me.

And when push came to shove, i realized, or found that so MANY people choose the rigid, moral (at least outwardly) strict, rule oriented, conformist and in some ways insane commitment to the conservitive male dominated religious political agenda in a desperate desire to find a way to 'control' life. People often look to authortiarian leaders because their lives have been filled with chaos and trouble.- and the 'rules' make it easier to 'know what to do'.

But i played by ALL the rules, and life got every bit as bad- and then worse. And i began working with a 'pastoral counsellor' who my church disapproved of- who has listened, and worked, and mirrored back to me all the perverted thinking i blindly accepted as 'ok' because it was part of the package of 'security'.

i didn't vote for Bill Clinton the first time- i dreaded the mere thought of him- i campaigned for him the second time- and for Gore-liberman, and for Kerry Edwards-

because i saw in the 'republican RELIGOUS right' so much fear, hatred, hyprocricy, and greed disguised as 'righteous' and 'american' and 'truth'- which is at heart i believe (from my OWN perspective, and experience) fueled by fear, especially a fear of death, or lack of order, or change. And the desire to contol our 'destiny' to ensure safety and prosperity. NONE of which is possible when hate, greed, and manipulation are tools that are used disguised as 'good'-

i learned the only one i could EVER hope to control waw myself, and even that was a huge challenge. i learned underneath, most of us are scared, and broken, and looking for hope, and acceptiance, and that anger is often fear, or need, or vunerability.

and that the republican party offered me no place to stand with any kind of genuine honesty- that democrats DESIRED the 'good of all' but recognized that everyone had to get to thier own place in thier own way- not to judge. and if you do, to judge VERY mercifully- to share, to be 'real' and to be honest, even when honest isn't very flattering.

i gotta go- probably FAR mor than you wanted to hear- if you bothered to read this much-

I'm not sure i ever really was a 'republican'-inside. i was desperate, lost and afraid. and i grabbed a BAD life-line.

i live life with eyes wide open now- even when those eyes are filled with real, long held back tears. For all those who suffer and struggle and hurt, and do anything and everything to try and make it ...ok.

bye, i'm gonna be late-
i love this place, even when it hurts here,
blu

[Kali]

3. that was really ...

hard to choose the right word, REAL seems to stand out, but also want to say thanks for sharing such a personal journey so honestly.

[shadowknows69]

34. Great post blue

I'd like to personally testify to the character of this person. I posted a thread about my bouts with depression once and blue made it a point to IM me and let me know very urgently that they were here for me if i ever needed someone and ever felt too blue myself that they understood. its probably the most touching note i've ever received. it doesn't suprise me to receive such kindness from DUers anymore but at the time it meant a lot to me. we're lucky to have blue here.

[Pithy Cherub]

4. The treasures in your life were a long time coming

and now you have the most sacred and beautiful gift, the ability to cherish. That came from within you and the fact that you shared such a story is testament to how far you have come! May your continued journey be gifted with that you cherish most!

[Bluerthanblue]

5. Kali and Pithy

it's taken me forever to get into DU and all i could think about on the 45 min. ride home was editing this post to say so much less.
i posted in a rush, (repenting at leisure?) but i honestly do appreciate your taking the time to wade through the muddled harangue, and to respond so kindly-

thank you both. tonite was poigniantly sad, and hopeful and ...odd.
i so want to believe there is hope for this tired old world
and all of us that call it home-

thanks again, and peace to all-
blu

[lostnfound]

6. I, we, cherish having you here.

Not merely because it's a changed vote, but your perspective is very valuable to those of us who are still clueless about why anyone would support the GOP these days. I think I learned something in this comment especially:
"a very troubled person, seeking sanity in a crazy world. i found the discipline and 'rules' of religion to be my 'magic pill' "..

I bet that statement applies very widely to others.

[Lone_Star_Dem]

9. What a journey you've had

The lessons you've learned, the raw understanding you've amassed, most people never achieve in their lifetime. I'm awed by your strength.

[Bluerthanblue]

12. i'm without

words (rare for me) to say how much i thank you all for not only taking the time to read that mess, but to offer your words of forgiveness, understanding and encouragement.
i'm not 'strong'- just stubborn, and so incredibly fortunate to have had the love, support, and help of some very wonderful people at crucial times in my life.
i do hope that my own personal experience, and the way i have vocalized it doesn't insult, or wound the many Christian brothers and sisters who embrace and live their faith in healthier ways than i originally did. My 'republican' experience was a direct result of my affiliation with a 'hard line' church. My help, has come in many ways through people of 'faith' whose doctrines are far more in line with the teachings of Christ.- kindness, compassion, tolerance, INCLUSIVENESS, generosity, acceptance and encouragement. And most if not all of them have been liberal, progressive democrats.
accepting me, welcoming me, and nurturing me just as i am- with no 'agenda' other than to BE who i am, as best i can-

like this place,
thank you so very much DU- for this island in the storm.

blu

[annabanana]

23. I'm very glad that you've gotten to know yourself so well,

and I'm sorry that it's been such a very rough trip. I'm hoping that you have a big warm,happy, healthy new support system, so you never have to feel like you're adrift again.

I'll bet you're a great friend to other seekers..
You can truly say you've walked a mile in their moccasins.

[Desertrose]

35. blu...thank you for being so open and sharing your story....

I am sorry life has been so ....words fail me....horrible...for you .......
I am very glad you've found DU...and that you had the courage and generosity of spirit to share your life with us......

:hug::hug: (doesn't quite cover it but hope you get the idea)
DR

[mondo joe]

13. Blu - thanks for that - and thanks for not shortening it!

I guess what I'm still wondering is how you changed over.

Did you one day just say "Oh that's it" - or was it a gradual thing?

When was the day you decided you were no longer one of THEM?

[Bluerthanblue]

18. hi Joe,

it was indeed a gradual process. i'm one of those people who can be very tenacious- clinging to something stubbornly and stupidly in hopes that ...i guess to be honest... it's more like refusing to face... the reality that once again i've chosen poorly. Pride- stubborn foolish pride. But that is slowly giving way. or being stripped off.

i chose 'me' over my church. and that meant losing what had become 96% of my 'community', 'family' and daily contact. i wasn't 'kicked out' but i was a daily reminder of the vunerability, and fallibility of being human. And that made people uncomfortable. The teachings no longer had the mesmerizing effect, and i'd leave with my brain screaming inside me NO!!!!bringing up all sorts of passages from Jesus that contradicted the actions, and beliefs being taught, and encouraged.

i refused to quit counciling with a UCC Pastor- who NEVER told me how messed up the 'teachings' were- but asked the perfect questions that enabled me to voice the truth that i kept silencing, in order to 'belong'. i was in a 'cult' of sorts. The people there, were on the whole truly wonderful, misguided folks, who wanted only to find answers that made life make sense. That desire was so strong in many of us, we 'sold out' or 'bought into' some pretty negative things. i will forever regret the notion that i actually believed being 'gay' was a choice people make, and that it was 'bad'- and that this 'god' that was suppposed to love, and save me, would harbor the kind of hateful evil that he'd have to to send AIDS as 'punishment' for what religious society declares to be a mortal sin, while greed, lust, and giving people bibles when they were starving, or without shelter was 'doing God's work' ???
THAT God was an angry, vengeful, tyrant, that i had to bend, twist, decieve, and struggle to please, so that i would 'get what i wanted and needed' in life.- And that is a lie.

And when that lie became exposed, i began to question everything i had blindly 'signed on for' and bit by bit the reality of what i had built my belief and 'agenda' on crumbled beneath me.-

i can't point to a specific 'day' when i said 'aaahhhh haaa'!!- but watching from 'the outside' now, has been so ...enlightening... and sad. Listening to 'fanatical-fundies' is like looking at old photo's and wondering how i could ever have been in the picture on one hand, and wanting to grab them by the hand and 'save' them on the other.-

But we can't. We can only be ready. We can only stand firm, honest, welcoming, accepting, and recieve those who do 'wake-up' without judgement, or demanding repentenance, or some 'sign on, to prove your alliegiance to our 'cause' clause.

Thank YOU for asking me to look back- and realize once again, that 'they' are us, and 'we' could be them, lost, stubborn, scared, and clinging to what is 'familiar' in this world-
and how grateful i am to be standing right where i am. Without having to 'pretend' or lie to myself.- or anyone else.

sorry so long winded- i have too many words in my head.
peace,
blu

[deadparrot]

19. Thanks for sharing, blu.

:hug:

[mondo joe]

20. Thanks again Blue - I appreciate your generosity in sharing

your story.

I've never made a transition like that, though I know others who have. Having not done it myself it's hard to imagine, but you've helped flesh it out for me. :-)

[cmd]

16. This deserves front page status.

Please repost it on its own, them PM me. I want to be sure to nominate it.

[blondeatlast]

38. Definitely front page material. I absolutely agree. nt

[callous taoboy]

17. Bluer- That was great. Thanks for sharing. n/t

[GreenPartyVoter]

21. Wow! *hugs*

[Jackpine Radical]

27. Thanks so much for this.

Your honesty and soul-searching were very touching.

[seabeyond]

32. wow, what a post

i read it all.

all the clingy praying trying trying trying to be good enough for god. so little faith. we already are good enough for god. we are gods children (if you believe) or one with source. perfectly imperfect. jesus's whole message in his crucifixion

[wovenpaint]

33. What a journey

and you've obviously grown so much from it. This must have been tough to write. Thank you for sharing this with us. Lots to think about.
:hug:

[blondeatlast]

37. What a savagely beautiful post; deserves it's own thread.

I'm so very happy you found your way here.

:hug:

[Richard Steele]

7. I was confronted with a CHOICE, and I chose to swallow the RED pill.

And that's all I have to say about that.

[Swamp Rat]

8. Wait, what happens if you swallow a red pill?

Do you go to Hades? :D

[Richard Steele]

10. No, you just KEEP believing that RUSH is a valiant freedom fighter....

AND: that the evil LIBERALS are gonna come in the wee hours
and take your guns away,
and drag you to a secret prison without a warrant,
and hold you there FOREVER without ever telling you WHY...

AND: all your children will be forced to be homosexuals
if they go to college...

AND: the evil, Satan-worshipping LIBERALS will destroy our economy
and make us the most hated nation on the planet if they get the chance...

I could go on, but why? You see my point.

Until tomorrow!

[Bluerthanblue]

15. well, i'm glad you

either had your stomach pumped, or had a paradoxical reaction.

because you see 'real people'-

and even when that is scary, it beats the blindness ANY DAY.

peace,
blu

[DanCa]

11. For me it was my excommunication that did it

I wanted to become a deacon in the catholic church but I was never confirmed. I had to join a group called the rcia to complete the process but the group put for a litmus test for me. They wanted me to take pictures of women entering abortion clinics so that they can put them up on very militant anti choice sites.

When I refused all hell broke loose and I had a stroke and lost my voice for three days. Cut too may 2004 I was diagnosed with young onset parkinsons and my neuro hypothesised that it was the stroke that triggered it.

Side note I am not angry at any christian's here for what happened there not responsible. I dont even belive it came from the late pope john paul 2, may he rest in peace. I am just extremely angry at Benedict and the anti choicers who force the rhetoric down your throat so much that I can't even attend church with my family.

On a side note two, I have always been a cultural neutreal. I have always believed that Jesus Christ told me to love everyone wether thier gay, straight, or stance on reproductive issues. So I guess you can say the biggest mistake the anti choice crew made is they left me breathing LOL.

[Bluerthanblue]

14. i'm sorry...

for all that you have gone through-
and i understand why you are angry- i'm glad you choose to put that anger to a positive use, to work for a better world.

We can't force ANYONE to do anything.- nor should we. That reality dies hard. Our actions are what speak loudest. Our 'voice' is often not the words we write, or speak, but the lives we lead, and the things we do or neglect doing.

i'm glad your breathing. i'm very glad you are living your truth-
and i don't believe God is in the pocket of any church, religion, nation, or dogma- that would make God a 'thing' that could be stolen, manipulated, used, and destroyed.- hardly a force to be 'reckoned' with.

wishing you peace, health and comfort,
blu

[DanCa]

29. Thank you Blue

Like I said I dont blame everyone for what happened just those in control. And I try to make the distinctions in my post between the red god and the blue christians. It's finally come to this eh? I really dont like george bush's world view not one bit. Thanks for having my back I appreciate it. :D

[Bassic]

22. Sorry to hear that

As a Catholic myself, I must agree that Ben 16 is evil. I just cannot understand why they would elect such a nasty reactionary retard.

[DanCa]

28. Welcome to DU Bassic

I appreciate the support. :D

[Bassic]

39. Hey, it's my pleasure

and thanks for the hello.

[Emendator]

24. Right here

Very interesting topic. Good idea!

I'm still conservative on economics and am, for the most part, libertarian on social issues, though am pro-life, and anti-death penalty. I'm a pretty good Catholic who should go to mass more but never really seem to get around to it. Nobody's perfect, what can I say.

I've always been skeptical about our foreign policy ever since the first Iraq war in 1991. I was in 8th grade and that's when I became interested in history and politics. It was when I learned how easily a country can be misled. I read that Kuwait was slant drilling under the border, stealing Iraqi oil, and that our ambassador had basically given Saddam the green light to invade.

I've lost total faith with the right thanks to Bush and the neocons. Thanks to the neocons, I gradually began to become more and more libertarian. I now realize that both parties are basically entities of those who manipulate the apparatus of state for the own selfish desires. Both parties are competing versions of statism.

And right now, the Democratic version is less dangerous to the well being of the world. Although Clinton also lied about war and foreign policy, the Democrats are currently more concerned about peace. The Democrats are more aware that the threat of Islamic terrorism isn't so much a war as it is a global problem that needs to be managed through police work and special forces, intelligence, diplomacy, and economic growth. The Democrats aren't perfect but they don't want to blow up the world. So here I am.

[kiraboo]

25. I grew up, moved out of the all-white town, got myself educated

and started to read world history. That's all it took.

[burythehatchet]

26. sweet

I remember telling a hairdresser in Atlanta that I'm from New York. I asked what happened to her there to make her hate New York. "Nothing", she said, "I've never been there".

[ck4829]

30. I started moving to the Left as soon as I realized that Bush was a Fool

[Horse with no Name]

31. I wasn't really a freeper

I really didn't have a political stance one way or the other. I kind of judged everything issue to issue but never really dug the surface.
I was blinded to events. I put flag stickers and magnets on my jeep. I even had a red, white and blue mickey mouse antenna ball.:)
Then, I ventured into a current events forum one day, and started seeing them fight about things that I had no idea were even occurring. I started noticing the world outside of my little bubble.
At one point, I couldn't even tell you who I would vote for because I, too, rode the wave of "getting behind our President" after 911--never giving it another thought.
However, the rabid-ness of the right in the current events forum was readily noticeable. I started reading The Guardian and other international papers. I then defined myself as a liberal.
During the elections, I was not fearful. I KNEW John Kerry would win.
Had no doubts. Every poll predicted it. Election night, I saw the exit polls. Was very satisfied.
Then...everything happened.
It was over and George Bush had won.
The Republicans on the message board exuded a hate that one doesn't often see directed toward another human being.
At that point, I KNEW that I had to find a place that had others that shared peaceful thoughts and ideals. After much searching, I found this place.
However, was unable to join because membership was locked down.
I wrote several emails BEGGING to join...and after a week or more of scratching on the door, they let me in.
I have learned so much that I didn't know since I have been here.
The most important being election fraud and 911.
It is a great place to be--even when you sometimes find yourself on the flame end of the post...after our bruises heal, we can still come back.

[0007]

36. Where's BOSSHOG?