Joke is on religion as Christians laugh at themselves

[emad]

August 29, 2005

Joke is on religion as Christians laugh at themselves
By Ruth Gledhill
Faith-hate legislation is being tackled in a humorous way



RELIGIOUS jokes will be told to hundreds of Christians today in an attempt to determine whether they would fall foul of the Government’s religious hatred legislation.

In “The Laugh Judgment” competition, more than 4,000 people voted on 700 religious jokes sent in to the satirical Christian website ShipofFools. The ten funniest and ten most offensive will be performed today at the Greenbelt Christian arts festival at Cheltenham racecourse by the comic James Carey, a scriptwriter for radio comedy shows.

Some of the jokes were so offensive that they do not bear reproduction. One of the worst, a masturbation joke about Jesus, so upset the Church in Denmark, where it was first told, that religious leaders raised money to send the comic responsible to Israel to educate him. He gave the money to charity.

But this joke was voted only the second most offensive, by 69 per cent of respondents. The most offensive, voted for by 72 per cent, was about a paedophile priest who was preparing to assault a child who had just lost both parents in a seaside clifftop tragedy. The ten most offensive jokes were about Christianity.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/newspaper/0,,170-1754775,00.html

[underpants]

1. “Die, heretic scum,”

too funny

[Bob3]

2. Peter, peter I can see your house from here

I always like that one - along with "would you mind putting your feet together? We only have one nail left."

[rkc3]

3. The Baptist joke is pretty funny - shows how narrow-minded people can be.

I'm always amused at the scorn dealt out by Christians toward the Catholic Church.

You'd think that the Church that was founded by your Lord and Personal Savior would at least merit some respect, at least more respect than one led by Jerry Falwell or Pat Robertson.

[hwmnbn]

4. HEY!!!.......

The winning joke is an old bit by Emo Phillips.
http://www.angelfire.com/sk/sidekick/emo.html

These religious freaks are stealing comedy bits!

[onager]

6. No surprise there. Most of the Xian religion was stolen...

...from other, earlier belief systems. The religion has always adapted itself to current events, behaving like...well, like any other opportunistic parasite.

Xianity has always reminded me of a wisecrack by Dr. Samuel Johnson, when as aspiring author sent him a manuscript:

"Your work is both good and original. Unfortunately, the good parts are not original and the original parts are not good."

[NYCGirl]

9. I was just about to post that! I LOVE EMO!

The one on the left is an EMU. The one on the right is a EMO.

(BTW, Emo looks very different in his appearance in "The Aristocrats.")

[TechBear_Seattle]

5. How about we share our favorite religious jokes?

Pat Roberson, Billy Graham and Oral Roberts are on the same plane, returning from a televangelist conference. The plane crashes and all aboard die. The three televangelists arrive at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter tells them that, due to various minor sins, they will have to spend a hundred years in Hell before they can enter Heaven for all eternity. And down they go.

A month latter, Satan calls up God.

"These three guys you sent me last month? Take them back. I don't want them here."

"Oh?", says God. "Why is that?"

"First off, Billy Graham has gone and saved half of Hell. And Oral Roberts, he's gone and healed the other half."

"Praise be to Me. What about Pat?"

"Robertson? He's the very worst. He's gone and raised enough money to put in air conditioning!"

[emad]

7. Hope they put that in a new South Park movie!

!

[onager]

8. So two Belgian nuns...

...are pedaling their bicycles thru the cobblestone streets near the convent:

"I don't believe I've ever come this way before."

"Me either. Must be the cobblestones."

[SofaKingLiberal]

11. k

A priest and a rabbi are standing outside of a bar. They see a kid walking down the street. The priest turns to the rabbi and says "Hey, let's take him out back and fck him" The rabbi replies, "Out of what?"

[Richard Steele]

15. A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar...

Bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

[Bellamia]

10. "Cast the first stone "is the BESTEST!!!

Thanks for posting, you made my morning!;>)

[ret5hd]

12. If you are going fishing with a baptist...

make sure he brings a friend...

That way you get ALL the beer.

[cloud_chaser1]

13. The Stoning

Jesus comes upon a crowd that is stoning a man. Raising his arms, he wlks to a spot between the crowd and the victim and says "Stop! Let the one among you who is without sin, cast the first stone!"
A little Jewish woman walks up, picks up a rock and bashes in the guy's head.
Jesus cries, "Oh. Mother!!!!!!"

[TlalocW]

14. More...

Why don't Baptists like having sex while standing up?
They believe it will lead to dancing.

A drunk leaves the bar as the sun is setting and starts to stagger his way home. He has to pass by the local nunnery, where a nun is outside, gathering up some of the gardening tools she was using earlier that day. The man runs and tackles her to the ground. He gets up, dusts himself off, and says, "Not so tough tonight, are you, Batman?"

A Catholic priest, nun, rabbi, Baptist, and Mormon walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and asks, "What is this - some kind of joke?"

TlalocW

[Wilber_Stool]

16. The only problem with Baptists is

they don't hold them under long enough.

[onager]

17. So one cold, snowy winter day, Billy Graham...

...is driving thru the North Carolina mountains. Suddenly he comes up behind a rusty old pickup truck, moving slowly and weaving all over the road.

Billy hits the gas pedal, passes the truck, and suddenly hits a patch of ice. His car leaves the road, rips down a barbed-wire fence, and flips over 3 times in a cow pasture, coming to rest on its roof.

The pickup truck stops and the drunk driving it staggers up to Billy's car.

"I be damned! Reverend Graham! Are you all right?"

"Yes, thank you," Billy says. "JEE-ZUS is riding with me."

"Well, maybe you better let him ride with me. You're gonna kill him."

[BiggJawn]

18. Three nuns are walking down the street....(and a bonus joke)

Two of them just got back from the mission fields in the tropics, and the first one was describing (and using her hands) the size of the avacados that were growing there, and then the second one desrcibed the size and shape of the bananas that grew where she had stayed.

The third nun, who was hard-of-hearing, saw all this and said "Father WHO?"


Father O'Reilly was walikng down the street and came across little Juimmy, who was stomping on some cockroaches.

"Jimmy, me lad! Stop that! Them's God's own creatures, just like Ye!"

"Aww, Father, they ain't worth nuttin'..."

"Why, Jimmy, me bye, EVERYTHING has Worth and a Purpose in the eyes of our Lord. Why, I'd bet y'can't name me THREE things that are useless, can ye?

"Why, shore, Father...Tits on a Nun, Balls on a Priest, and these mother-fucking cockroaches...."

:)