Help w/Distraction Until Fitzmas: Tell a Republican Joke

[IdaBriggs]

"How do you know a Republican is lying? Their lips are moving!"

This "joke" -- which has more truth than satire in it -- is why I'm convinced they are all wearing Depends -- they keep saying they aren't worried, hence, since we know the exact opposite of whatever they say is the truth, they are freaking out! :)

Here's another one --

"Message: I care."

:rofl:

Republicans actually caring about anyone except themselves -- I just crack myself up!

Next!

[Freedom_from_Chains]

1. I hear Hollywood is creating a new sitcom

which is being tailored to fit Tom Delay, it's going to be called "Desperate House Speakers".

[IdaBriggs]

2. LOVE IT -- that's a good one!

I actually "laughed out loud" and my dogs are looking at me funny! :)

[dogfacedboy]

3. This one may be nasty, but here goes.

"What do A. Coulter and my dog have in common?"
"They can both lick their balls."

[Chan790]

6. pbbbbt.

my monitor is now wearing cafe vienna and I'll be picking bits of croissant out of my keyboard for weeks.

[dogfacedboy]

8. Sorry.

Well, not really.

[IdaBriggs]

9. That's worthy of an embarrassed chuckle.

I feel kind of bad about picking on her for her physical handicaps. Its not her fault she's got the weird extra chromosome thing going. The psychotic loony tune thing -- now, since that could be corrected with medication, I'm okay with shaking my head at, but physical deformities ... well, it was still kind of funny. :)

[acmejack]

4. A fellow walks into a crowded working class bar and gets a beer.

He strikes up a conversation with the guy on the next stool. As the conversation progresses, he asks if the neighbor would like to hear a good republican joke.

The fellow says; "Sure, but there is one thing you should know first. Jack, the bartender there is a proud Republican. And see those big burly construction workers at that table? They are all supporters of the President!"

"Then those three people there", he coninued, "they're George W. Bush voters and I, myself am the GOP precinct chairman around here. Still want to tell that joke?"

The fellow retorts; "Hell no, I don't want to have to explain it that many times!"

[IdaBriggs]

10. Love this one!

:rofl:

[merbex]

5. Got this one last night:

THE FOUR GHOSTS OF THE WHITE HOUSE:

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House
bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks him,
"George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington
advises, and then fades away.

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas
Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom,
please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did,"Jefferson advises, and dims from
sight.

The third night sleep is still not in the cards for Bush. He awakens
to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin,
what is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the
mist.

Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure
moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads,
"Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"

Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."

[TechBear_Seattle]

7. Q: How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?

[porphyrian]

11. Why are republicans traitorous pieces of shit?

That wasn't the joke, I'm really asking.

The joke is as follows:

A bunch of republicans are sitting around one day and decide to come up with a plan to shape the world in their favor. So, they have a long discussion, and eventually determine that they should insinuate themselves into the government, bankrupt it, cut as many programs as possible that don't directly benefit them and their corporate cronies and use the military to wage an endless war on which they can profit.

Oh, wait, that's not funny.

OK, try this:

Why did the republican cross the road?

Answers:
To give massive unnecessary wartime tax cuts to the rich!
or
To threaten secret agents who won't help them lie to go into an unnecessary war by revealing their identities to the public, thus endangering their lives, their missions and the lives of all of their contacts!
or
To take the last dollar from a family of working poor, end the possibility of them declaring bankrupcy, then publicly chastise them for being on welfare.
or
To avoid going to the funeral of an American soldier killed in the war they lied to start.

[IdaBriggs]

12. Sigh. Too depressing because of too much truth. nt

[No Exit]

13. James Watt.

Reagan Secretary of the Interior. I was just reading this morning how he'd once said that Jesus would come after the last tree had fallen.

He was serious.

[tk2kewl]

14. What's the difference between *insert repuke name here* and

the Hindenburg?

One is flaming Nazi gasbag and the other is a dirigible.

[Craig3410]

16. ROFL.

:rofl:

[NoPasaran]

15. Here's a joke from Crawford

Why wouldn't the chickenhawk cross the road?


He didn't want to talk to Cindy!

[Lochloosa]

17. You asked for it:

GEORGE BUSH GOES TO HELL

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

[IdaBriggs]

21. My husband is going to LOVE this one! ROFLMAO!!! Thanks! nt

[Hubert Flottz]

18. Rum Dumbya and Bill Clinton go out on the town drinking.

They meet at an out of the way dive and spend the evening drinking and chatting.

Being an Alkie, Bush gets blind drunk and by the time the bar closes, he can hardly walk, let alone, drive his mountain bike home.

Being a good hearted guy, Clinton volunteers to give Bush a ride home. Bill almost has to carry Bush to the car, but he gets Shrub strapped in and they pull out of the parking lot and head toward Bush's house.

As soon as they start down the road Bush passes out and vomits all over himself. After a few miles Bush wakes up and he is scared shitless, because Pickles had just bought him the new shirt he's wearing and now it's all covered in puke and it stinks to high heaven.

Bush starts crying his eyes out and tells Bill he's scared to go home, because he just knows pickles will kick his drunken ass up between his shoulders.

Bill Clinton calmly tells Bush to get that big roll of cash he has in is pocket out and to put a 20 dollar bill in the shirt pocket. He tells Bush to just tell pickles that "Bill Clinton got shit faced drunk and puked all over my new shirt!" Then Bill goes on to say, "Take the 20 bucks out of the shirt pocket and give it to her, then tell her I sent the money to pay for having the shirt cleaned!" To which Shrub replies, "Damn Bill you're alright old scutter dawg, that story just might work!"

Bush puts the money in the pocket and quits crying and sobbing and they pull up in front of shrub's house and Bill lets him out and drives off!

Pickles meets Shrub at the door and when she see what a drunken mess he is she lights in on him, like a chicken on a junebug. "Gawd Damn you Junior I thought you'd "quit drinkin' again" and just look at the new shirt!"

Bush pulls the money out of his shirt pocket, hands it to pickles and sez, "Here Darlin', Bill Clinton got drunk as a skunk and puked all over my new shirt and he sent you this twenty dollars to pay for the laundry bill."

Pickles snatches the cash out of shrub's shaky hand and sez, "Why you drunken little wimp there's 40 dollars here not 20 dollars!"

To which Bush answered in his defense, "Oh yeah honey lamb, I almost forgot. Bill Clinton shit my damned pants too!"

[Hubert Flottz]

19. I killed it so...

I'll :kick: it

[jmowreader]

20. Bush, DeLay and Frist go drinking...

They stumble out of the bar after closing and see that their keys are locked in the car.

"What do we do now?"

Bush says they should just get a rock or something and break out a window. DeLay says people will know they're Republicans if they do that.

DeLay says they should call a tow truck. Bush says that if they do that, not only will everyone know they're Republicans, but the tow truck driver will turn them in.

They go around and around for twenty minutes...then Bush looks up at the sky and says, "one of you better think of something quick, it's starting to rain and I left the top down."

[IChing]

22. Bush visits a classroom

President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and
their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the
discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class
for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on
a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills
him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call
a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the
room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a
tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy (Lil Johnny) raised his
hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs.
Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens,
that would be a tragedy."

Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says Lil Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as
hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident
either."