Serious questions about domestic violence & prosecution.

[KyndCulture]

I find myself in a situation right now where I could use some of that good ole DU advice and experiences from others. I'm hoping this doesn't come off as a sympathy thread cause that's not what my intention is. I spent thanksgiving day and night in the hospital as the result of an assault. My live in boyfriend of 7 years, (with whom I broke up with on Nov 9th but I hadn't been able to get the money together to move out yet) came home Wednesday night drunk as piss and decided pounding on my face for 20 minutes was his way of getting back at me. I ended up with a broken orbital bone under my eye, a face full of bruises and a wicked concussion. I'm going to be fine in a few days according to the docs.

I did everything I thought was right - I filed the police report immediately but I am running into the most frustrating bullshit red tape laws and I just don't know what to do. It's starting to sound like the bastard is gonna get away with what he did to me.

The police just left my house again, it seems to according to some BS law here they only had a window of 24 hours to make an arrest for assault and they couldn't locate him so the warrant expired. Now they are telling me all they can do is send him a summons to appear in court on domestic violence charges. So he beats the hell out of me, I go to the police, they don't even TRY to find him because I told them exactly where he was - and now he gets a summons like a traffic ticket? This just does not seem right to me.

I've researched the laws in Minnesota where I am and it seems to me that this should result in an arrest no matter how long it takes to find him. It was the Chief of Police that was just here and he says there is nothing else they can do, it's up to the DA now. I still don't have enough money to move so I am stuck in this house until I do have enough money and I have to be out by the end of the week because the bastard gave notice on our place without telling me and I just discovered the landlord has rented it.

The cops are checking in on me and I do have a temporary restraining order - fat lotta good that's gonna do.

So I guess I just wanted to know if anyone has successfully prosecuted someone for domestic assault? I don't really even know what i should do next. I also don't know anyone here where I live except his family so I don't really have family of my own I can turn to so getting up the money and getting out of here is my only option. He hasn't come back but he also thinks he's going to get arrested, which apparently isn't true.

Does anyone else have and experience with these bullshit domestic violence laws? Seems to me this is exactly how women die! These stupid laws! Something needs to be changed.

Thanks in advance DU!

note to mods: I am not asking for legal or medical advice here, just for some others who may have been through this.

[EFerrari]

1. Know your priorities.

I'm so sorry to read this. From my experience only:

First, YOU have to ensure your safety. That's first. Everything else is second, right?

The red tape will drive you crazy. Don't let your guard down just because you are being driven crazy. :hug:

Restraining orders only work for people who tend to respect the law. Sometimes, a RO can be provocative and have the effect of challenging your assailant to escalate his behavior. Please be ready for this.

-- Have a plan.
-- Have a "to go" bag in your car.
-- Until you know this guy is either locked up or somehow back in his right mind, try not to be alone. Call your peeps.

:hug:

[KyndCulture]

3. Thanks!

Yes I know that's what I need to do. I'm extremely overwhelmed. Unfortunately there's no one here that I can call. We moved here not to long ago and I am on his turf and 1800 miles away from my friends. Stupid, I know.

This is a recent situation and one I was not prepared for. Even us smart girls get really dumb when it comes to love I guess.

It is driving me nuts. The cops seem to want to help then they stop by and tell me there's nothing they can do.

I was wondering if the restraining order was a double edge sword. I can definitely see how it can be. I mean a piece of paper that says he can't hit me again doesn't seem like much of a deterent to me.

[mzmolly]

6. A restraining order is only good if he knows about it and respects it.

He doesn't sound like the type to be overly concerned about legal mumbo jumbo?

[HamdenRice]

127. Actually a restraining order is great if he DOESN'T respect it

I know this may sound callous, given your circumstances, but a restraining order is used a little bit like a mouse trap, which is different from the advice you are getting from others.

In other words, if he come near you, he has violated the restraining order and the cops can arrest him then and there. So keep them on speed dial, and as soon as you seem him violate it, by coming within the forbidden distance stated in the TRO, call the police and have him hauled away, even before he gets inside the house.

Also, there may be a procedural difference between an arrest warrant and a summons, but that doesn't mean the underlying charge has changed. The warrant allows the police to pick him up on a particular charge, like battery; the summons tells him to show up in court for that same charge. It's more a difference in procedure on how he gets to court rather than on what he's charged with.

[mzmolly]

129. Well if you have a phone it is.

I don't believe that's the case. But, that is a good point.

If he comes near you KC, be sure to post and someone here will call your local police.

[KyndCulture]

132. Thank god for technology today.

No I didn't have a phone until this morning.

A friend from the Randi Rhodes board bought me the neatest program since I only have my cable modem and internet access. It's called Gizmo Gadget and for 10.00 you can buy 9 hours of outgoing talk time. You can call any number on any landline phone inluding 911. It sounded great, just a few crackles here and there. Worked thru my microphone and my PC speakers.

[ohio_liberal]

133. I've got an old cell phone here

It's good enough to dial 911. Do you want it?

[KyndCulture]

134. No that's ok. I'm doing ok with that so far. Thanks!!!

We do have a law here that any phone that is disconnected can dial 911. So I have our old phone service at the moment and this new PC thing which is working great. I do plan to get a cell as soon as this storm lifts and I can get out again. It's a priority. They have them very reasonable at Radio Shack for a prepaid.

[ohio_liberal]

135. Ok, that's good

I worry, ya know. :hug:

[mzmolly]

137. Awesome! I've never heard of it but it sounds great!

:hi:

[Syncronaut Seven]

49. Scoot! Go underground quick! The law won't protect you.

Maybe even camp at the police station untill you can get out of town. Did I understand that you have few local ties?

Scoot! Dammit!

Restraining orders mean nothing. I've lost two women friends to domestic violence, both had restraining orders, one was killed in a tavern 300 yards from the police station.

GRAB YOUR ID, any cash or credit you can AND SCOOT!!!!!

Godspeed.

[lady raven]

104. I totally agree...

I hope he has the sense to realize that violation of the order will result in arrest, but a lot of abusers don't care. Have a plan in place. Is there somewhere else you can stay while waiting for him to appear in court?

[ananda]

2. Get some allies..

Go to your local women's organizations. Find others willing to help you.

You don't have to do this alone.

[EFerrari]

17. That's right. Get some instant friends. Both for support and for safety.

On edit: Do not tell him about the RO in person, esp not alone at your place.

[kywildcat]

4. First, I hope that you are doing better.

Second; my experience has been (unfortunately) that short of if the batterer has a gun they will not expend much energy in picking him up. Cops HATE domestic violence calls. The batterer is too unpredictable. Right now, document EVERYTHING, for your sake. every call this guy makes to you, every word a cop says. If badge number so and so says there is nothing they can do, write it down and keep track.
My ex boyfriend who did not live with me had destroyed my home and was in the process of choking me. I called 911, they came, I requested that charges be pressed for assault and destruction of property and that they remove him from my home. They refused all. The cops told me that since he spent one night a month in my apartment, they considered that he lived there. Having shown them the lease (with my name only) and again requested for my safety that they remove him from MY home, they refused and said to call again if I needed them.
Protect yourself because our laws will not.:grr:

[mzmolly]

7. "Protect yourself because our laws will not."

This is the bottom line. Even if they pick up the guy and charge him, he'll be out when he posts bail.

[mzmolly]

5. You have to get yourself to safety FIRST of all.

Please call your local hotline:

Lakes Crisis Center
P.O. Box 394 Detroit Lakes MN 56502
Business #: 218-847-3410
Hotline/Crisis: 1-218-847-7446

They are familiar with the laws and can advise you. They also have people who will advocate on your behalf. But ultimately you have to act today, I'm sure it's tough right now, but you have to get out of that situation and there are shelters that can help.

Do you have a telephone connected right now? If not please PM me and I'll make some calls on your behalf.

[KyndCulture]

11. I spoke with them when I was in the ER.

They are located about 100 miles away from here and the shelter was not an option. They gave me some advice which mainly consisted of calling back tomorrow on a weekday when they were fully staffed. I don't have a vehicle (he has it) so I can't drive there to where they are.

I'm just running into brick walls because it's a holiday weekend I guess.

[mzmolly]

15. Why wasn't the shelter an option? Are they booked or was it distance?

What do you want as far as a solution is concerned? Do you want to stay in Detroit Lakes? Are you afraid to contact family/friends?

You must be very confused/overwhelmed right now. I am so sorry about what you've experienced. Abusers often isolate their victims, and he's got you quite isolated doesn't he?

I hope your not needing an apology/closure from him right now because while that's natural to stay hoping he'll come home/contact you and express remorse, it's not going to change anything in the long run and in the end your just putting yourself in more danger. There are no words that will be an adequate "excuse" for what he has done.

Also, even if he was arrested, he would be out after he posted bail and that's easy as pie with bail bondsmen all over the country. An arrest is not a cure all for your situation, right?

I want to get an idea of what YOU want to do though. Where do you plan to locate?

[KyndCulture]

28. The shelter has no space.

I haven't thought far enough ahead to get out of this town yet. I want to stay here to prosecute him. That's one concern.

I could care less about his apologies. Nothing is gonna take away this pain in my head except the couple of pain pills I have and seeing him in jail, that might help a bit.

I agree an arrest is not a cure all. But neither is him getting away with it.

[mzmolly]

31. True, but I fear if your in danger that the first priority is your safety.

KWIM?

Is this his first Domestic Assault offense? If so he may not serve much time unfortunately.

Agreed it's important for him to pay a price, but it's more important that YOUR safety is not compromised in the process, right? I wonder if you could file a deposition?

[KyndCulture]

32. Yes it is.

[China_cat]

16. If you don't have a shelter close to you

check and see if there's a rape crisis group in your area. They'll help you with the legalities.

[wellstone dem]

19. Here are a few more numbers

Nationwide toll-free number 1-800-799-SAFE

Minnesota Crisis LIne
1-866-223-1111

I am really disappointed that you are not getting more help from the DV advocates. It is scary that there is not more support over the holidays as so much DV happens at those times. Ask to talk to supervisors at both the DV program and in the PD or Sherriff's department.

I wish I were closer.

[Warpy]

8. That 24 hour window is BULLSHIT and may only apply to domestic violence

Those cops were lying because they just couldn't be bothered. Go down to the station and file an ASSAULT REPORT. Make sure they type it out while you're sitting there. Make sure you have some sort of evidence that you were treated in an emergency room. Contact your local battered womens' hotline (if you're lucky enough to have one) NOW. Have them meet you at the station, if possible. There is no "window" on simple assault.

Unfortunately, that restraining order is only as good as his will to honor it. Have you changed the locks yet? Locksets are cheap and not that hard to install, and it's a useful skill for any woman to have. Just unscrew the old cylinder and pop the new one in.

Also consider suing the SOB down the line if you can't get criminal charges to stick. You can nail him for hospital bills, lost wages, and pain and suffering in a civil suit.

Above all, remember it's not your fault. The biggest favor you can do this guy (as well as yourself) is make sure he has to face the consquences of thinking he can talk with his fists.

[neebob]

21. Putting his stuff out and changing the locks is the advice that I ignored

so I thought of that, too. Then again, it was my house that I own, no question who belonged there and who didn't. More than one person advised me to put his stuff out in garbage bags and change the locks, months before I finally said, "You have to leave," and meant it. Then he threatened me into letting him stay for another month. I spent the last two weeks locked in my bedroom, eating non-perishables out of my closet and hoping a flimsy door would slow down a 6'6", 350-pound hulk long enough for me to grab the knife on the nightstand or the dumbell under my pillow. I'm far, far beyond lucky.

If I had it to do over again, I'd put his stuff out in garbage bags and change the locks. It seems to me that if she does that, she's just running that much more risk that he'll break in, thinking it's his place because he seems to be in control of the agreement with the landlord. But it's better than just sitting there hoping he won't come back.

[EFerrari]

23. I'd change the locks whether is was my house or not.

Let the court sort it out. I want to live long enough to be sued!

High five for us very, very lucky ones.

[KyndCulture]

24. He does not have keys to the house. The locks were changed.

I have been in contact with every resource available to me.

I am more pissed that the police are ignoring me than anything else. I guess i've shifted it off of me and onto concern for these stupid laws.

I am not scared right now that he is coming back.

I do however really want this fucker in a jail cell and that support I am not getting.

What if it was worse? That's all I keep thinking. That if the cops aren't helping me and I am following all the right steps. They are not helping anyone else who might not be as smart or as coolheaded as I am. It pisses me off I guess.

Just because I am a woman and this was a domestic assault shouldn't matter. I see guys get in bar fights all the time here and guess what? They go to jail. Why should this be any different.

[EFerrari]

33. I hear you. It is infuriating.

I still hope that, having covered the legal steps for now, you can focus a little on feeling better and on mustering a team.

I know I was much better at maneuvering after my head stopped aching!

[KyndCulture]

29. Putting his things out is not a bad idea.

From what I am understanding he is hiding out at his folks house. He has no keys to the house so that is not really concerning me and the police substation is about 300 yards from my back door. If he were to show up it wouldn't take them long to get here.

[Kali]

43. Me again

sorry to be so bossy but DON'T wait for the cops to get there - if the substation is that close YOU GO THERE!!!

[neebob]

52. No, it's not

Having his stuff in the house gives him a reason to expect to see you again. Definitely do deprive him of that.

I could guess why you're without transportation or enough money to move and say this is someone who was systematically destroying your resources and your ability to free yourself of him - long before you realized it, long before he sent you to the emergency room. Now he's run off to his folks' house, we think, and instructed the landlord to throw you out on on the street. This is a piece of shit with legs. It has no conscience. You don't know what it will or won't do, beyond what it has already done.

I totally get about wanting to see him in jail. I spent a month trying to put another piece of shit with legs in jail for less than what this one did to you. I failed at that, thanks to a combination of lackadaisical law enforcement (don't get me started) and fast-moving piece of shit legs. I was really surprised that it just ran off and left me alone. That doesn't happen very often.

Living with a POSWL skews your perceptions. I really think you need to go stay somewhere else, but whatever you do, just make sure you don't give him a chance to be in the same room with you without cops present.

[KyndCulture]

53. You are right about that.

From talking with a few internet friends in IM this weekend, he was doing these things to me LONG before my happy go lucky ass even realized it.

He is a piece of shit with legs...and I allowed him to isolate me here. Same thing with the money. I got my paycheck and handed it over to pay the bills on OUR house... that was just dumb. He didn't pay the bills, he rented a new place. But for the last 2 years he has paid the bills. I wasn't expecting that.

Yeah I can't say for sure what he will or won't do after 2 weeks of these little surprises and these bruises and broken bone being the last straw. No I don't know what he'll do.

Mother Nature has given me some more protection, we're getting a hellacious ice storm right now and the roads are now closed into and out of my street. This is a good thing. He can't drive here if he wanted to right now - for the remainder of the night as I am seeing on the weather report. That gives me tonight to rest and think about what I can do tomorrow when the services are available to me.

[mzmolly]

55. Don't blame yourself to expect human beings to act like human beings.

I'm glad tomorrow is Monday.

[neebob]

56. Did you meet him on the internet?

That's why I had a hard time getting a serious response from law enforcement. They were all, "You met him where? I kicked myself for telling them. They were far more interested in his having cruised the local parks for BJ buddies than deliberately exposing me and my child to a potentially fatal disease or even defrauding local businesses. I found myself having to tell them the number of the state statute that had been violated - a class 3 felony if it results in bodily harm to the child. Then they said the DA wouldn't prosecute unless the bodily harm occurred, and acting on that got me involved with CPS and having to take my 11-year-old to give a statement to the sheriff. It was so much fun. I'll spare you the rest of that runaround.

A couple months later, when the POSWL didn't show up for his little remedial class in connection with the DWAI that had finally prompted me to throw him out (or I should say attempt to throw him out before sending my son to stay with his dad and taking up residence in my bedroom - I practically had to pick him up and put him in the car to make him go away, and THEN I found out about the disease and the acts of fraud), they sent not one but two hardass deputies to take him to jail immediately. They looked at me incredulously, like the evil truant was hiding inside my house or something. They probably laughed about it in the car.

He never hit me, but I thought he might. He was horribly verbally abusive, made a lot of thinly veiled physical threats, threw crumpled-up papers at me, shattered a plate of scrambled eggs on a wall near me, and once put a plastic bag over my head and pretended to strangle me and claimed it was a joke. It was like battling a monster for two years. I don't even recognize the person who took that abuse.

For a while I thought he was just a fucked-up loser who never meant to hurt me and might have had good intentions in the beginning. Then I realized he was trying to destroy me. It wouldn't surprise me to see him on the news one day and learn he's also a serial killer.

[KyndCulture]

57. No I didn't meet him online.

The people I have met online are mostly rational human beings, this shitbag is not. He was a friend of mine's roommate in Florida years ago.

I'm starting to realize all the signs were there for a long time, I just wanted things to be good and wanted to settle down so much I ignored them.

For being the smart cookie I am, I've been pretty dumb! I also never had any experiences with law enforcement totally blowing me off like this before. I think that's been an eye opener. If a stranger had done this to me surely they would have gone out of their way to find him... the whole 24 hour expiring warrant thing just blew me away.

I will not be relying on them to help.. but i have other options as I am seeing. He may never spend anytime in jail but he will also never spend another minute around me.

[neebob]

58. Well, no one who knows me can believe what I got myself into

much less how long I put up with it. Because I was so horrified, I spent a lot of time talking about it and learned there's like this vast secret club of women with abusive boyfriend or husband experience. You'd be surprised who knows what you're going through. People who don't have no idea how easily it could happen to them.

So you had the misfortune to meet and become entangled with a POSWL at a particular point in your life with your particular set of experiences, and he honed in on the particular thing that made you vulnerable and took you for a ride. It wasn't because you were dumb. I could write a book about dumb. :)

[ohio_liberal]

64. No don't put his stuff outside

You're legally responsible if someone steals it or it is damaged.

I don't know bupkes about MN laws. In Ohio there is no 24 hr time limit on picking up a domestic violence offender. There's a mandatory $50,000 bond or they stay overnight or over the weekend to cool down (no 10% bond for DV) and TROs are also mandatory. If the cops come on a DV call then someone is going with them, always, unless the fool runs. The offender is almost always put out of the residence and is allowed to visit once to get their belongings with an officer or two in attendance to make sure things don't get out of hand.

Is it city police or a sherriff's office that's not helping you? Sometime you have to kick them in the ass to get them moving. Serving warrants isn't always a priority. Do you know at all where he is?

[KyndCulture]

67. Yep I know exactly where he is and so do the police.

They also know where he's at work.

They said the law is they have 24 hours to arrest him on the assault charge, if that doesn't happen - which it didn't - then it goes to the DA's office and the City Atty's office as a domestic violence summons and they simply will issue him a court date.

I've checked and rechecked the law, they aren't blowing smoke up my ass - it's real. They figure he's cooled off by now I suppose. Something I don't know for a fact.

The law is arcane and bullshit. They are basically putting it off on the court system.

And I am in a better situation than some women might be. I don't really think he's going to come back here and try anything. But this law is victimizing me a second time. I would have felt better if he had spent the weekend in jail.

[ohio_liberal]

74. Wow, I don't even know what to say at this point

I've been in law enforcement in one capacity or another for 17 years. I've realize that many states are way behind on updating domestic violence laws. I've dealt with some hoopty police departments that aren't much interested in arresting criminals. I can tell you what's going on with this police department. They put everything they can on the prosecutor's office. Call the prosecutor in the AM, see what they can do for you.

[KyndCulture]

79. Oh that's totally the impression I got.

They are pushing this off on the courts to deal with. I discovered we have a 48 bed jail here and I betcha it's damn near capacity on a holiday weekend with drunk drivers and the like.

They aren't interested in going after him. I gave them his location twice. They never even tried. I'm sure they are overworked and I am happy they stopped to check on me twice this weekend. But that didn't put the perpatrator in jail. He's out partying this weekend living it up while I'm sitting here with heating pads, percocets and and ice bag. That ain't right.

[ohio_liberal]

83. No, no it isn't right at all

Your safety is most important right now since there's not much else to be done tonight. Don't assume he won't come back. I don't need to tell you to lock your doors and windows. Put 911 on speed dial if you can, and keep a cordless phone or cellular with you at all times if you can.

[neebob]

125. Oooh, I'm so glad I didn't put out that broken airplane

and the crockpot

and half a dozen dishes

and the particle board computer desk with woodgrain veneer

and the briefcase full of super-secret park-cruising supplies

and the medications for various diseases he may or may not have had

and the three fat albums full of photos and mementos of his dear dead wife who was never his wife but just some woman he'd had an affair with, whose husband only tried to kill her when he found out about it

and a very few pictures of the kids he ran away from after his real wife who wasn't dead changed her mind and begged a corrupt Republican judge to reduce the 10.5-year maximum sentence the DA had recommended after he was indicted by a grand jury and convicted on 7 counts of felony non-support to time served awaiting trial (2 months)

and the blue plastic Maxwell House coffee containers full of one set of the double prints of hundreds of pictures he took to (a) create a record for his next made-up life and (b) make the present one seem real

and the cassette tapes his insane fundy mother sent periodically, with gospel music and John Hagee preaching on one side and her crying and begging him to just listen and open his heart and please change, lest he and his entire family go to hell, on the other

and the videotape she made and the letters she wrote, despite being blinded by Diabetes

and the KC Chiefs blanket

and the crappy barn coat

and the ripped windbreaker

and the femmy speedo-looking undies

and the fat-guy booty shorts that he wore year round

and the socks he liked to accuse my son of stealing

and the racist T-shirts with the sleeves ripped out

and the black ladies half slip, Vanity Fair, size XL, cut to a length of about 12 inches

Oh, wait - I think the slip might have been mine. I sure wouldn't have wanted to be held legally responsible for that other stuff getting lost or stolen!

[FormerRepublican]

9. You might try calling a shelter for women. Even if they don't have room..

...(because sometimes they don't), they often have folks who can help you through all the ins and outs of the legal system to get the guy off the street and away from you.

In my personal experience, the police are often reluctant to involve themselves in domestic violence cases - which is both stupid and discriminatory. But there you go - that's the world we live in. However, the shelters should be able to offer excellent advice about what works in your area, they should have contacts with law enforcement so you know the best people to call for help, they might even have a place to tuck you away if it becomes necessary to be unfindable to your violent ex.

My sympathies are with you. No one should have to go through that kind of experience.

[wellstone dem]

10. Check you pm's

PM me back if you have ANY questions. Minnesota has relatively good domestic violence laws, most law enforcement automatically arrest upon evidence of abuse. It may be that the automatic arrest procedure ends after 24 hours, but that doesn't mean there is no arrest possible.

[hyphenate]

12. Some or all of these options

might help you.

First, contact city hall and ask them for a number for legal aid. Then call them, tell them your situation. They may be able to refer you immediately to a shelter for battered women. If not, I would suggest you find a friend with a garage or cellar who can store your belongings for a couple of days or weeks, whatever it takes to get yourself organized. Then move as much of your belongings when he's not home. Slowly but surely, over the next couple of days, do it. The shelter, too, might be able to help with some manpower, but I wouldn't count on it. It just never hurts to ask.

Once your belongings are out, you are out. Immediately, day or night, whenever that moment happens, make sure you leave absolutely nothing behind because you are gone forever.

The shelter will likely have a counselor who will be able to give you advice. Legal aid will still be your first stop when weighing your legal options--they will be able to provide you with whatever help you need on filing charges.

Make sure you keep a current and non-expired restraining order. If one judge won't give it to you, contact the D.A.s office and ask what you need to do to get another judge to give it to you. Hospital records are vital to have in those times, so make sure you keep a copy with you at all times.

DO NOT travel alone if you can help it. That means NO going over to the old apartment, no going out late for errands, no NOTHING. Stay in the shelter as much as you can.

Do you have someone you can borrow money from? You can pay them back later, but explain first that you're trying to get the hell away from an abusive relationship, and most people will help if they can.

You need to tell ALL your friends about the current situation. That way, if he shows up on their doorstep looking for you, they can call the police on him. And if you are working, make sure that the HR office also knows--I know it's hard, but it's better to tell them your business than not having you show up one day because he's killed you or something.

If he tries to stalk you in a public place, or get within a certain distance, go to the nearest phone and dial 911. Tell them you have the restraining order, and that he is violating it. The more history the police have on record, the better. It will be definitely be worht it in court to have him in violation of your rights.

Most shelters for abused women will have you work around the shelter. Sometimes you will get paid for it. Try to get as much together as you can to get an apartment of your own, regardless of how small it is. Also, you will qualify for food stamps--GET THEM. The shelter can use extra, and you can buy some stuff to keep in your room. If the welfare office can get you other stuff, they will.

I hope this helps. But more than anything, STAY THE FUCK AWAY from him. If it means not getting your belongings, get just what you need and go NOW. Your life is in the balance, and you need to get away.

I would also hound the DA's office about charges. Go to the library if you need to and research your state laws on the subject. There IS something you can do, but it sounds like mostly men cops not supporting you.

[noiretextatique]

85. good advice: tell everyone what happened

after my crazy ex hit me with a crowbar, i told everyone i could think of what happened. silence and shame only helps the abuser/stalker by keeping you feeling isolated...the more people who know what happened, the better. i moved away from the area after i moved out because i didn't want to be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life.

[neebob]

13. Sounds like you need to find some place else to stay -

friend, neighbor, co-worker, or women's shelter - and go there, like right now. You've expressed fear for your life, and there's a solid reason for this fear, but here you sit, complaining about cops and worrying about how to prosecute someone who could walk in and hurt you again at any minute. Put your safety first. I'm lucky to be here to give you this advice, having ignored similar advice because I didn't think he'd hurt me and I didn't want to ask for help. Ask for help. You need it.

[rumpel]

14. Is there an organization in your area that provides free legal services?

Some large legal firms also do pro bono work as a service to communities. They seem to have certain specialized issues they take for free.
The reason I say this, is when I filed for divorce long time ago, I was also scared as he would have violent tendencies, the only way to get him out of the house was when both attorneys agreed and had a court order enforced.
In your case, they may also be able to recommend a temporary housing situation.


edit to add

also it might be worth checking into your State's "commom law wife" situation. You may be entitled to claim support, even though, I personally would feel, I just do not want anything to do with him.

Stay safe. Be vigilant.

[FormerRepublican]

18. Here are some helpful online links. If the local women's shelter isn't...

...helpful, call another and let them know what's going on. Sometimes another shelter can help.

http://www.sboard.org/SHELTERS/MN.HTM

If the police aren't doing what they're supposed to, contact some of the statewide agencies who work the issue to see if they can bring some pressure to bear:

http://www.vaw.umn.edu/

http://www.lawmoose.com/index.cfm?Action=Library.&Topic=mn165543
http://www.lasnem.org/VAWAjul.htm

*******************************************

National 24 hour Domestic Violence Hotline

1-800-799-SAFE

*******************************************

[izzie]

20. With others I have seen this and leaving is the safe way

I even know one man that swears he was asleep when he hit his wife. The odd part of it all is if it was two men fighting every one would do some thing. It is better than when I was first married in the 50's but I am sure than does not make you feel better right now. Run from a man who thinks it is a deal to beat on some one maybe half his size and gets away with it.

[EFerrari]

22. Can you rent a car for a couple of days? You need one.

And later, you may be able to be reimbursed for it.

You need to feel in charge. This is no time to be without a car.

PM me, KC, if there's any thing you need. You will be all right. You're a coolheaded woman, even if right now that cool head is sore. :)

[KyndCulture]

26. Thanks bunches!

He has my vehicle at the moment. If he shows up at his job tomorrow (3 blocks from here) I fully intend to repossess my truck from him without him seeing me. The good thing about that is, the police station is next door to his work so if he wants to say or do anything he's not in the best place to even try it. The truck is in my name, I have keys to it and I intend to get it back.

[EFerrari]

34. Good plan! Try not to go off on the police even if they are

acting as if they are useless. You may need them.

A young officer once said to me, when Doug was decompensated and paranoid and violent AND had called 911 to say I was a threat to him:

"I just had a baby and bought a house! I have to mind my liability first!"

[KyndCulture]

37. I guess that's my whole frustration with this.

I did everything I thought I needed to do and they are acting lazy and useless.

I'm sure they see this everyday, but it doesn't happen to ME everyday. I have been very nice to them execpt for venting my frustration about this assinine 24 hour warrant expiring.

[EFerrari]

40. I know. I've dealt with a completely out of control partner

for days, gotten hurt, GOT ARRESTED, got no medical care until I was released, had to sign paper saying I had never been arrested, lol, and the horrors just piled up, up to and including, having to go home and take care of my unstable partner, myself fresh from jail. It doesn't get much crazier than that.

It's about liability and it's not helpful to you. So, for now, go around them.

And remember, living well is the best revenge. :evilgrin:

[KyndCulture]

42. Yes living well is great revenge.

That I fully intend to do.

Someday I'm hoping to go back home to Florida. Far far away from all this ice and snow.

It's hard to believe that men like this even still exisit in this world. He's always been a total asshole and I was trying to get away from him before this happened. It just took me too long. sigh.

When my head stops hurting I think this will all make a whole lot more sense. And as usual, DU has been a wonderful help. I was feeling alone and needed the virtual family I guess today.

Thanks for everything.

[EFerrari]

44. Fwiw, this experience may hit you in "waves". Please check

back in, in any way you'd like, if you need to. :hug:

[mzmolly]

35. Can you have him arrested for stealing your car?

:shrug:

[KyndCulture]

36. Tried that one! Here's the answer.

from the Chief of Police - "if you ever gave him permission to use your car then it is a civil matter"

I tried that last night! Sigh. The police I'm sure are busy but they know how to put things off on the court and not get involved. That SUCKS.

[mzmolly]

39. Well it does seem your in a pickle. You have to be out of your place

in a week and you want to stay and prosecute him. Perhaps you can find a shelter within a short distance and accomplish both having a place to stay and being around for testimony?

I would begin by writing out a long term plan. Where do you want to be one year from today for example? And, I'd start acting upon it in any way you can. It may seem difficult but your plan can be something as simple as "I want to be free from this abusive person." Next make a list as to what that means and how you can get there KWIM?

PM me if I can be of any assistance.

As I said I'm in the TC area and the resources/help here are more abundant.

Best wishes.

[noiretextatique]

46. you can request a police escort to get your vehicle

at least in california. i almost had to do this when i sold a car to a former friend and she refused to make the payments she'd agreed to. the cops told me it was a civil matter too, but a helpful dispatcher told me i could call the cops if i went to get the car, since i had the title and she was driving the car without my permission. i forget what they call this escort, but there is a term for it. you may want to check and see if that option is available to you.
with your permission, i'd like to share your story with a friend who is in a similar situation. i have stopped talking to her about it (though i am still here for her if she needs me), because she's still making excuses for him, and i think, severly underestimating the danger he poses to her. she seems to think he is going to leave vountarily, but i have told her many times that she needs to put him out of her house, and get a restraining order.
my one piece of advice for you: don't underestimate what this man is capable of, and find some means of self-protection, like a stun gun.
i am very sorry this happened to you, and i hope you heal (physically and emotionally) very soon :hug:

[mzmolly]

47. Good point. You can also request the police be present when he removes

his belongings if need be.

[ohio_liberal]

69. That's a bunch of bullshit

I don't know what hoopty cops you have the misfortune of dealing with. Is this a small city?

[KyndCulture]

71. yes very small.

6000 population only 4 cops.

The cop I talked to is the Chief of Police. I can't go any higher.

[tsuki]

108. Is the truck in your name?

[Syncronaut Seven]

50. Dangerous! Do not attempt to reclaim your vehicle without a police escort

Sane men do not pummel their wives, you can not possibly predict his behavior and further interaction after the restraining order is in place will not help your case.

Become paranoid, it may save your life.

Later you can sort it out.

Counseling will be essential after you're safe to help avoid PTSD or other negative responses to your horrible experience.

SCOOT!

[ohio_liberal]

66. Is the vehicle registered to you and you only?

If so, report it stolen. I'm assuming he took it after he battered you, without your consent.

edited to add that I just read some of the previous posts. Disregard this post.

[Kali]

25. Document everything and get (and stay) the fuck away from him.

You life is in danger. Would you hang around under a loose boulder? GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE.


You can worry about prosecution when you are somewhere safe. If the shelter is 100 miles away GO THERE.


Anybody capable of loosing control to the point of BREAKING BONES IN YOUR FACE is fully liable to "loose it" again and kill you. GET the fuck out of there.

Don't get your stuff, don't change locks - GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE. This guy isolated you and broke your face. He will follow you until he goes to jail, you kill him in self defence or he finds somebody else. Your safety - your LIFE depends on time and distance. GET THE HELL AWAY.

[KyndCulture]

27. I am working on that.

I would not be here right now except for some money concerns and my cat. I have no intention of letting this man back into my life. I full intend to prosecute him if I can get the damn cops to understand this.

It's just the brick wall I am facing with the system at the moment. And this being a holidy weekend has been a nightmare, a lot of the services referred to me are not available until tomorrow.

[mzmolly]

45. Please keep us posted.

:hug:

[KyndCulture]

30. The shelter is full.

That's why I said that they couldn't really offer me much help until they are fully staffed tomorrow.

It sucks that this is a holiday weekend. I would have more options if it had not been on thanksgiving.

[mzmolly]

48. I gotta say I'm personally with ya on this one.

This person has demonstrated he is very dangerous.

[MissB]

38. I have no advice and nothing to add

but one of these. :hug: And I mean it.

[KyndCulture]

41. Those are the best of all!!!

I can always use of them!

backatcha!

[frazzledmom]

51. Sounds like you have some crappy laws in your state

But even in states with strict domestic violence laws he will still get off with no jail time for a first offense. I think the above poster who said to have him charged with assault is a better option. Domestic violence is a real bitch. If the laws are weak you end up being victimized again, if the laws are too strong you end up with abuses of the laws. I know. (Before I continue let me tell you I am posting on my wife's 'puter, kids are hogging mine) I was in a DV situation a few years ago. Here in Colorado we have very strict DV laws. A woman can call the police, and say she is being abused and the police have to arrest the husband on just the wife's word no evidence needed. My Ex did this to me. We got in a heated argument, I had had enough and tried to leave. First she blocked the front door, then when I went out the back and got in my car she threw herself on the hood to keep me from driving away.(she had rules, no one leaves till the fight is over :eyes: ) When the kids came out crying she climbed off and I drove away. When I came back later the police were waiting for me. I was arrested and spent a few days in jail. But I was lucky. You see her mom and brother were living with us at the time. If it weren't for them I probably would have lost everything. To make a long story short after a lengthy court battle where her family came to support me, I came away with the divorce, custody of my children, child support, the works. (She never pays and I don't bother her.) But the funny thing is because she called the cops I still had to take a year of DV courses assigned by the court.
Luckily I have actually met the right woman, we have lived together for 6 years been married for one. The most we ever have is a spirited debate, we never fight and we almost never argue. So there is some light at the end of the tunnel. Your physical wounds will heal soon, your psychological wounds will take much longer and may take re-location before you begin to feel safe again. I am sorry you have to go through this, but from experience I know there is a way back to a normal life, perhaps you will be as lucky as me and find a way back to an even better life with someone who truly loves and respects you.
:hug:

-Walldude posting on Mrs Right's account (she may be frazzledmom but she is definitely Mrs Right to me)

[KyndCulture]

54. Just wanted to say... thank you to everyone.

I guess I was just looking to not feel quite so alone today. I know that I'm not the only person that this has ever happened to.

Sometimes when there really isn't anything you can do to solve a problem right this second, it just helps to know you aren't alone and that other people made thru to the other side.

So thanks DU, once again for being the best community online!

[pitohui]

59. a warrant for assault shouldn't expire in 24 hours

if he was a stranger and did the same thing, they would be able to arrest him for, hmm, maybe three or four years before the statute of limitations ran out

i think you need a real lawyer, a local lawyer, who knows what the hell is going on w. this police jurisdiction

my friend was assaulted and police wouldn't even take the report, however, weeks later he got an attorney and the attorney was able to force the police to file the report, they still didn't arrest the perpetrators, however, my friend was eventually awarded a six figure settlement in civil court

your boyfriend may not have any money now but he may have a better job or win the lottery one day, he should either pay your bills and damages or he should go to jail

ideally both

why should he get away w. it because he's your boyfriend?

i was in your situation, and no, i couldn't prosecute because he was my boyfriend, but cripes, that was the 1970s! i thought we'd had some advances since then

nope, i just don't understand why cops do this crap, so that is why my advice in such situations is get a local lawyer who knows the score w. your courts and your cops

[nadinbrzezinski]

60. Ok did the cops give yuo the social services phone numbesr?

if they did, that shoudl have a battered women's shelter... be ready to move to it. If not look for one... most towns actually have one

As to the laws and prosecution it varies state by state. In california you file charges he goes to jail, period... you need to be willing to basically press them...

But unfortunately not all states are there so contact the DA come Monday, yuo should have the case number...

[mzmolly]

61. In Minnesota you needn't press charges, you just have to report the abuse

and not lie about it later saying he didn't do it as many women do. The kind of people who abuse are very good at getting people to feel sorry for "them" - especially their victims.

[nadinbrzezinski]

73. Trust me I know about that

I used to work in the streets as a medic and Domestic Violence calls were never fun... and this was one of the reasons

[KyndCulture]

62. The report was filed.

The statement was sworn in the hospital and they cops know full well I want to press assault charges.

They are just giving me the run around.

There's no shelter here. I've got numbers to call tomorrow when the services are open again from the holiday.

I am not backing down on his ass. Finding a lawyer and seeking legal aid is definitely on my list. If they aren't going to put him in jail then he owes me 3 days lost wages from this weekend and pain and suffering at the very least. I don't care if he doesnt' have any money. I'll seek a judgement to attach his wages if I have to.

I was a victim of a crime and I shouldn't have to pay for this.

[nadinbrzezinski]

72. Fully agreed and you know we are behind you on this

[rumpel]

63. Victim Service Provider Directory

http://www.ojp.state.mn.us/MCCVS/SearchDirectory/Search.asp

It gives you many names of organizations that provide assistance in your State

from the same site on your legal rights:

Crime Victim Justice Unit

SERVICES

We serve crime victims by providing:

Information and Referral:

Information on criminal statutes and victim rights.
Referral to crime victim services.
Assistance in Navigating the Criminal Justice System:

Information about procedures and practices of all aspects of the criminal justice system.
Explanation of the roles of law enforcement, prosecutors, judges, and others.
Investigations:

Investigations of crime victim rights violations and mistreatment.
Information and explanations of agency actions.
Outcomes:

Determination of whether mistreatment or victim rights violations occurred.
Documentation of findings and a report to involved parties.
Recommendations to subject agency to correct errors and improve response to victims.


24-HOUR CRISIS REFERRAL LINE DIAL 2-1-1 (or 651-291-0211)
More information about 2-1-1

How to contact the Crime Victim Justice Unit:

Telephone:
651-282-6256 or
1-800-247-0390
(business hours M-F 8:00-4:30)

Email: [e-mail]

Write to:
Office of Justice Programs
Crime Victim Justice Unit
Bremer Tower, Suite 2300
445 Minnesota Street
St. Paul, MN 55101

[Name removed]

70. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[mzmolly]

75. Post number 5 has their crisis number.

I didn't have the street address when I posted. Sorry. I am so glad there is something in your area.

Here is the link: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=104&topic_id=5460442&mesg_id=5460507

Edited to add the numbers:

Business #: 218-847-3410
Hotline/Crisis: 1-218-847-7446

[KyndCulture]

80. I know that it's not a shelter.

But perhaps they have other resources. That is the number that I called from the ER that was transferred to Fergus Falls. That's why I thought we didn't have anything locally. I think I will walk over there tomorrow and perhaps if they SEE my face they'd be more willing to help me instead of just telling this story on the phone again. A pictures worth a thousand and all that.

[mzmolly]

81. Sheesh. I can't believe there isn't a shelter for a hundred miles?

:(

I'd walk over there as well, it can't hurt.

[Syncronaut Seven]

107. Yikes! No shelter addresses! Edit quick!!!!!!!

Shelter addresses are hard to get for a very good reason!

Already been alerted! Don't feel bad, You may not have realized. :hug:

[KyndCulture]

113. That wasn't a shelter address btw.

It was a county services office address. As I have said repeatedly, there is no shelter.

[Syncronaut Seven]

114. Oops.. Sorry

easy mistake, long thread. Be safe.

[rumpel]

65. found a State Senator in your State on this issue:

Don't know if he is still there

http://www.senate.leg.state.mn.us/caucus/dem/MemberNews/2004/dist55/20031016_Wiger_Domestic_Abuse.htm
State Senator Charles W. Wiger
District 55
226 State Capitol
75 Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd.
St. Paul, MN 55155-1606
Telephone [phone]
[e-mail]
Date: October 16, 2003
Domestic Abuse: Awareness and Action Needed

In Minnesota, for every 100,000 people, there are close to 3,000 cases of domestic abuse. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month - bringing attention to a problem that needs to remain a high priority for legislators, prosecutors, peace officers, and society in general.

Domestic abuse is thought to be the leading cause of injury among women making emergency hospital visits. Too often, it results in a woman’s death, particularly after she has taken steps to leave the abuser. And children from violent homes are more likely to grow up and commit crimes themselves. Domestic abuse must be taken seriously by policymakers as well as those on the front line of enforcing state law.

The first Domestic Violence Awareness Month was observed in October of 1987. That same year, the first national toll-free hotline was begun. In 1989, the first Domestic Violence Awareness Month Commemorative Legislation was passed by the U.S. Congress. Such legislation has passed every year since.

In recognition of Domestic Violence Awareness month, the Minnesota Center Against Violence and Abuse will be displaying a Silent Witness Project. The project was launched in 1990 by a group of Minnesota women who wanted to do something to call attention to the problem of domestic violence. Twenty-six life-size red silhouettes were created, each bearing the name of a woman whose life was brutally cut short due to the violence in her life. The exhibit will run through Oct. 31, 9:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m., and is located in the Atrium of Peters Hall at the University of Minnesota’s St. Paul campus. (Peters Hall is on Gortner Avenue, next to the Earle Brown Continuing Education Center.)

Domestic abuse takes many forms. These include:

• PHYSICAL ABUSE: slapping, punching, grabbing, rape (including marital rape), using a weapon to injure or threaten, not allowing a woman to seek medical care, breaking possessions such as furniture, and not allowing a woman to call 911.

• EMOTIONAL ABUSE: name calling to demean, mind games, making the woman feel worthless and powerless, keeping the woman in fear of violence.

• ECONOMIC ABUSE: not allowing a woman to go to school, not allowing a woman to work, controlling the family finances to keep power over a woman.

• VIOLENCE: willful behavior that cannot be excused or tolerated, which is criminal and punishable by law.

I should note that, over the past decade or so, state funding for battered women programs has increased significantly. And in the past several sessions, the Legislature has passed a number of measures to help domestic abuse victims and punish abusers. But unfortunately, the budget legislation that was pushed through in 2003 by the Governor and House Republicans included sharp cuts to programs that help battered women and other crime victims. I voted against this legislation, and hope that we will be able to restore some of these cuts.

While this setback is discouraging, there has also been considerable progress in recent years. For instance, victims of domestic violence have a powerful new tool that was not available a few years ago: in October 2000, Senator Paul Wellstone and battered women shelters announced the Minnesota “Day One Center” Domestic Violence Crisis Line, which immediately connects victims to the nearest shelter based on their call number prefix.

As recently as a few years ago, battered women often made 8 to 12 phone calls before finding shelter, telling their stories over and over again. Currently, 27 shelters are linked to share information on bed space availability and services by the Day One Center database. Earlier this month, Verizon Wireless announced a $25,000 donation to Day One that will ensure the crisis line continues through 2004. The toll-free number is 1-866-223-1111. More information is available on the Web at www.dayonecenter.org.

Those who are affected by domestic violence can also turn to their health care providers. Involving the medical community in violence prevention has been a trend since the early 1990s, when the Minnesota Medical Association developed guidelines for physicians to recognize signs of domestic abuse. For example, the MMA has sponsored billboards that say, “Doctors can’t cure family violence, but they can help.” A few years ago, they also distributed thousands of buttons inviting patients to talk about abuse.

I encourage you to contact me about this issue -- or anything else you wish -- at 296-6820 (Capitol office) or 770-0283 (home), e-mail to [e-mail], or write to 227 State Capitol, St. Paul, MN 55155. I look forward to hearing from you. I also invite you to come and see me at the Capitol, or let me know if you’d like me to stop by your home or apartment for a visit. Also, I invite you to watch my local cable TV show, “Your Capitol: What’s Up,” which appears on public access channel 15.

[rasputin1952]

68. There is a lot of good advice in this thread, and this is a topic that

must be addressed.

Many of these crimes go unreported for any of a million reasons; KyndCulture has provided us with a look into the darker side of humanity, and DU'ers have come to her aid and comfort...This is one of the primary reasons I love DU...The best damn people I've never had the pleasure of meeting.

For you KC...:hug:

[KyndCulture]

78. Thank you Ras.

I feel fortunate that I have the resources of DU and the internet available to me. So many women in my situation wouldn't.

DU is my other family. :hug:

I guess my other goal with this thread was to open up this dialog. If it can happen to me it can happen to anyone. I never expected that law enforcement would not protect me. That's the one thing that has been hurting me the most today I guess. I feel victimized by the system right now.

I was just reading that most women have to go through 10 - 12 phone calls and tell their story over and over again before they can get any help. That's unbelievable. I really though the evidence of the assault was so obvious that people wouldn't have to question what needed to be done. I was wrong.

[bloom]

76. There can be

a huge difference in attitudes of prosecutors (still!) about prosecuting domestic violence.


Some are more aggressive whether the woman wants to press charges or not.

It's possible that you could give a deposition soon and if you were ready to start your life over somewhere else - get the heck out of there entirely.

Some prosecutions are quicker than others - but that is just something to think about.

(I hope the shelter works out - if it doesn't - there might a church group that would help - regardless of affiliation/belief).


Good Luck!!

[Name removed]

77. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[ohio_liberal]

86. She's all by herself

I think she said she was 1800 miles away from relatives. No vehicle to leave because he has it, no friends nearby.

[KyndCulture]

87. That is correct.

The only people I know here are his family. And they may or may not be protecting him at this point.

They're a pretty loyal bunch. I'd guess they probably are.

[ohio_liberal]

90. Yes, they're probably protecting him

That's usually the way it works. Did you contact your family for some moral support?

Hey, by the way--I want to check and make sure either the police or the hospital took photographs of your injuries. If not, make sure that gets done.

[TheWraith]

115. I see

Perhaps there might be some local DUers who would be willing to provide, if not corrective violence, then at least bodyguard service. Just a thought.

[Horse with no Name]

82. It took me a couple of concussions to decide I was done

The second time I had to hide in a bedroom with a large piece of furniture in front of the door.
I handed my 3 and 5 year old out through a window to the police standing outside who put them in a safe place.
After I went out the window the police went in the front door.
They then beat the shit out of this guy.
I didn't care. He terrorized me for hours before I could get to a phone.
He went to jail.
The police chief told me it was out of my hands. They were tired of refereeing our fights. Tired of going to the hospital and me refusing to press charges.
Even if I dropped charges, they would prosecute him.
The District Attorney told me that as well.
He was in jail for close to a year.
It is much easier in a small town. I do know that.
And for that, I am thankful.
Good luck to you.
PM me if you want to talk.
:hug:

[KyndCulture]

84. Well thank God there are no children involved here.

That would be so much worse. My kids are grown.

That's so horrible. I'm sorry that happened to you. It sounds like justice definitely prevailed in that situation. I hope it will for me too.

[rumpel]

88. Stay safe & get justice. ok? and keep us posted.

My kid now in her late teens carries the trauma and will carry it all her life. We are still seeking justice.

[EFerrari]

105. Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry you went through that.

And I'm so happy you are here with us now.

:hug:

[Horse with no Name]

116. Thanks.

Glad to be here.:hug:

[KyndCulture]

117. I'm glad your here too..

gives me hope seeing so many stories from other strong women who got out of what i'm going through.

That's what DU does best. Restores hope in lots of things.

:hug:

[flvegan]

89. Immediate solution? Send me a plane ticket.

I promise he'll never touch you again. I have a REAL problem with men that beat women.

Find a local battered women's resource and tell them what you've stated here. Surely they know the actual laws, and might be able to lean on someone.

I'm sorry that this is happening to you.

[KyndCulture]

93. He's such a fucking coward.

He'd never say or do things like this in front of anyone else.

Everyone thinks he so nice and laid back. I'm sure that's how it is with all these fucking chickens who get their machismo from beating on a woman that weighs 150lbs less than they do.

Someday karma is going to get him. He needs some one to punch him so hard he can't breath so he can see what it feels like.

[flvegan]

95. From what you said here

what he needs is some significant jail time and counseling.

Also, and I'll take a huge swing out of reality here, Bruce Lee, weighing 135 lbs could do that to him.

What the mirror image would be is to have someone that weighs 150 lbs MORE than he does sadistically rain blows upon his person. To know that this person may come back and do the same. To know that the police may not go after that person.

The mental and the physical matches would be a must. Feeling powerless and victimized, violated and threatened are oftentimes worse than the actual physical lashes.

You are right, though. Someday karma will be just that.

[pdxmom]

91. I work for an attorney who specializes on working with victims

of domestic violence.

First thing tomorrow, call the DAs office. There should be a Victim's Advocate available to you, who can help guide you through this. You may have to ask, but they should have some type of resources for you.

Second, what is the status of your TRO? Do you have any kind of court date for that? If he violates it in any way (calling you, contacting you through a third party, driving by outside), call and make a report with the police. Usually, it's a 3-strikes rule - another warrant will be issued after the third violation of the order, in any magnitude.

I'm in Oregon, but many of the DV laws are similar. Feel free to let me know if there is anything I can do to help you with this. I'll be glad to ask my boss if she has any connections in your area tomorrow, as well.

[pdxmom]

92. Also, did a little bit of looking - here is the link to the

Minnesota statutes regarding domestic abuse:

http://www.revisor.leg.state.mn.us/data/revisor/statutes_index/current/D/DO/domestic_abuse.html

They are a little convoluted, but the upshot looks like you need to call the DA's office first thing tomorrow morning.

[KyndCulture]

94. Yes. I know I need to do that.

I'm a little confused with the city atty's office, the states atty office and the DA here. They appear to be 3 seperate numbers in the phone book. I'll try the (very useless) police dept. first and see if they can give me the right number.

[pdxmom]

96. Jurisdiction is going to depend on where the assault took place.

Was it a city or county jurisdiction? The cops should be able to tell you the correct number, but don't get frustrated. The DA who will handle the case probably hasn't been assigned yet.

Don't let them blow you off. Tell them you need assistance right now, as you're afraid for your safety. Ask for an advocate. And get a name of SOMEONE in the DA's office you can keep calling until you get what you need.

[KyndCulture]

98. Right. That's good advice.

I know it's a city jurisdiction as I live within the city limits close to downtown.

Finding an advocate sounds like exactly what i need to do.

[bloom]

102. Around here

the District attorney is the prosecutor for the county - and this is regardless of whether the person/event was in the city or outside of a city. Some areas have "districts" larger than the county - like several counties that the "District Attorney" serves.

City attorneys are generally lawyers for the interests of the city - and are not related to what the prosecutor is doing.

[bloom]

97. You want the local DA's office.

NOT the city atty or the state atty.

[KyndCulture]

99. Ok.

The cops had mentioned the "city atty" not even sure what the hell that is. But I figured it was the DA I needed to talk to.

[pdxmom]

100. Here's the DA for your area.

Becker County
Becker County Courthouse
915 Lake Avenue
Detroit Lakes, MN 56501
[phone]

Also, check out this website: http://www.womenslaw.org/MN/MN_main.htm

This group has a lot of good information that will help you out.

[ljm2002]

101. Okay I've read the entire thread...

...and here's my advice for what it's worth.

People like him are not worth your time and energy. He shows what a coward he is by running home to his family after beating you.

What you should do in my opinion is this: give notice, get what pay is coming to you, pack your bags, repossess your truck, and get the hell out of town. Worry about any bills you might owe, later. If you have to go back to your family temporarily then do it. Or some old friends or siblings who will put you up until you get back on your feet. But don't waste your time. You see how it is in this town, where the chief of police won't even turn a finger to help you.

And don't get all idealistic either. I know it is tempting to say, but he needs to be in jail, I want to help others by not letting him get away with it.

Don't go there. Right now you need to think about you, and you alone. And the best thing you can do is simply remove yourself and go somewhere that you can begin your new life, and un-isolate yourself. If you are as isolated as you say you are, then clearly there is nothing in this town for you anyway.

Well -- take it for what it's worth. I've been there too, different circumstances as there were children involved -- and the only regret I had was that I didn't leave sooner.

[KyndCulture]

103. Well.

That would be the ideal thing, however I do not have any family that I can go to. I don't have enough money to start over in a new place right now either.

Believe me I am not being idealistic. I just need to find out what the DA needs from me and move out of this house to a place that he doesn't know where I am until I have enough money to start over somewhere new.

Doesn't seem real safe to me to just up and leave with no desitination in mind either.

[EFerrari]

106. If you asked, you'd get fifty invitations. For now

what about just staying safe until the headache abates?

We're there, KyndCulture. You can come out to San Francisco whenever you want. I'll hang in with you.

:)

[ismnotwasm]

109. I have nothing to add

But I just want to offer my support. I'm sorry you're going through all this, I guess I do have one thing to add;
Many women get into a vicious cycle of domestic violence, hoping things will get better, listening to promises of "I'll change" etc. Staying for the kids, we've all heard the drill. It's horrible the psychological beating these women take, along with everything else.
I want to commend you for getting out NOW, and taking the steps you are taking, as fustrating as the experience has been. It's very easy to get stuck in that abuse cycle.
I hope everything works out for you

[Skittles]

110. ditto on that

I think it takes these gals a lot of courage and I commend them

[EFerrari]

111. You know, it's NOT easy to get stuck in that cycle

contrary to popular belief.

When you are nursing a HEAD INJURY, you don't think all that well.

When you have no money of your own, it not all that hard to do the effen math.

I'm constantly surprised at how routinely most people believe, hold the IRRATIONAL BELIEF, that it is "easy" to be in this situation.

There is NOTHING "easy" about it. And all that condescending cr#P about battered women is just that. It's CR@p!

We knew what we needed. The culture isn't there and handed our needs right back to us with a side o' blame.

End of story. Condescend to that! :nuke:

[KyndCulture]

112. That is very true.

Being faced with a choice of healing these injuries and making life altering decisions on the spur of the moment. What does one choose?

Nothing about this is easy. I'm glad the weather turned to shit this afternoon and the roads are closed so I am getting a much need night of no worries and sleep. he couldn't get here if he wanted to, the road blocks are up.

I AM going to get out of this and never see him again alone, it's just the way out hasn't presented itself just yet.

[ismnotwasm]

138. Maybe I've worked with too many women who have been stuck

And felt trapped. Some of these bastards are subtle and start out slow, some are master's at psychological warfare. I didn't mean to sound condescending.
Myself? I'd kick a motherfuckers ass, and I mean it would be full on war with me getting hurt or him getting shot. The house would be broke up. I come from a place of rage and at one point in my life had no problems with violence. That's the world I come from--street and poverty.
I had to do some internal work personally to get away from the "why doesn't she just leave" attitude, since I work with victims of domestic violence on occasion. Spent some time with women with some of the most horrible stories you can imagine, starting with childhood, and sometimes infancy.
So while I understand where you are coming from, I respectfully disagree. Depending where you start, it can be very easy indeed to be trapped in domestic violence. I do agree with the culture not being there to back these women up.

[Name removed]

118. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[No Exit]

119. Please get the hell out of there and go somewhere that he can't find you.

If you don't have anywhere, well, I hate to recommend a domestic violence shelter, but it would be worth it. (I hate to recommend it b/c I know it's inconvenient, and why should the VICTIM be forced to move, etc.)

If he so much as contacts you by phone, in any way which is threatening at all, CALL THE POLICE right away. Then pursue the new case from the get-go, just as though the person who threatened you were a stranger off the street. You wouldn't let a stranger threaten you that way, so you wouldn't let HIM do it, either, right?

Don't contact him at all, even if he has some of your stuff.

I agree that the summons for him to go to court is pretty weak compared to an arrest, but follow through: be scrupulous about attending any/all court proceedings. That way, he can't get away with it just b/c you didn't show up. Prosecutors pursue cases more avidly if they have a victim who hounds them to do their job. Feel free to call the prosecutor and demand a full prosecution. Tell him/her it's for your safety. Ask the prosecutor, would you rather I didn't call you, and that this situation resulted in my death, all b/c YOU didn't vigorously prosecute??

He has to go to court for that "summons". If he doesn't, since YOU will be there, they should issue a Failure to Appear warrant for his ARREST--and if they don't, ask the judge and prosecutor WHY they aren't doing so.

If he is there, then the case should proceed like a criminal case. That means he, as the defendant, must either make a plea of some sort, or proceed to trial--with you as a witness testifying against him. (Do you have photos of your injuries?) The guy's attorney may try to get him into some sort of "diversion" program, in which they agree not to move forward with the prosecution, while giving him some months in which to behave himself and go to classes, etc., blah blah blah. If you are opposed to such an outcome, tell the prosecutor!

[KyndCulture]

120. Thanks for the reply.

There is no shelter or I would have already gone that route. Closest one is 100 miles away and it is currently full.

I have some options to call about tomorrow. I'm having yet another sleepless night over it.

With a first offense I expect he'll get probation and anger management classes.

[No Exit]

121. ANY contact with you will be a violation of his probation--if he gets

probation. So if he makes such contact, call the police right away and make a report. Or, his missing any classes without a really good reason (proven illness) would be a probation violation. Find out who his probation officer is and report any probation violation that you find out about. The probation officer can pop him in no time.

Best of luck to you!

[Lindacooks]

122. Please check your PM

My dh knows the laws in Minnesota.

[LunaC]

123. Safety first!

You can't prosecute him if you're dead. Seriously. Women are more at risk when the batterer thinks his victim is leaving for good. If the local shelter is full, the YWCA should have cheap rooms for rent for "women in transition" and can serve as temporary housing. Also contact your local Eldercare agency (usually associated with the Dept. of Health and Human Services) and check out the house-sharing options that may be available. Many elderly folks provide free rooms in exchange for household chores and this may offer a solution for long-term housing on a limited budget.

In the meantime, have a "bug-out" bag ready and packed...car keys, ID, checkbook, credit cards, important papers, phone numbers, etc. and a change of clothes in case he shows up and you need to make a fast escape.

If you don't have pepper spray, keep some type of aerosol product next to your bed to spray in his eyes and give you enough time to get away in an emergency.

I counseled battered women in a previous life and these recommendations have saved many a life. PM me if you need some moral support.

Stay safe!

[Lindacooks]

124. Domestic violence

Hi, I'm Lindacooks' DH. I used to be the Director of a women's crisis center in Minnesota, and I thought I'd give you a vague answer, but some specific suggestions.

I'm very sorry this happened to you. And I'm very sorry you're encountering all this bullshit red tape.

Here's what you should do:

Call your nearest Women's Crisis Center.

Note: this is not a shelter; it is an agency staffed with experienced professionals who have seen it all, and done it all. They will know the laws and the dodges and bullshit, and will know how to navigate this confusing area.

It is important to realize one thing: getting legal justice against your abuser is one thing. Getting emotional healing for yourself is another. No matter what happens legally, you need to work on getting away from him, getting protection against him, and getting on with your life. You have the right to experience joy; you have the right to feel safe and feel peace in your soul. Even if the agency can't help you put the bastard in jail, they can help you with everything else. And I'll bet they'll know how to put him in jail too.

The agencies often have personal relationships with the chief of police in their area. Also with the DA. Sometimes they can call and set a fire under them, and argue with them, until the police or DA gets moving.

No matter what else, if you call them you will suddenly have smart and powerful friends who have many resources that you can use for free. They will also be guided by your Self-Defined Needs, which means they will make sure you are the boss and you decide what to do next.

Please call them! It will be the best call you ever made!

[Kali]

126. Has anybody heard anything today?

I am worried.

[KyndCulture]

128. **Update from me**

We are getting hit with an awful ice storm at the moment. Have not been able to go out at all. I did manage to find a house that was for rent here in town, a very safe and nice place. I have enough for the rent, trying to scare up the deposit money today for it I'm short a few hundred dollars, the owner had her son drop off the application to me and I'm turning that in with the rent money this afternoon. A friend from the Randi Rhodes's board bought me a Voice over IP phone program that allows me to make outgoing calls since the asshole disconnected our regular phone last week. I tried the women's center here but it's forwarded to the Emergency Center in Fergus Falls because of the weather. Most everything here is shut down or shutting down, we've got blizzard conditions on the way in a few hours. It's not the best day to try and get anything done.

I am safe and sound at the moment though and finding that house was the best news possible - hopefully my application will go through. I am thinking that the Crisis center or maybe there's some kindly church here that would help me move my things later this week. I was thinking of calling around to some of the churches and to see if maybe they could donate a few pieces of furniture to me or send some nice people with a truck to get me out of this hellhole. I'm pretty upbeat today so that's good. The weather is also keeping him far away from me. That's also great news.

Thanks again to everyone on DU for the wonder support. That's been the best thing and the thing i needed the most.

The DA's office is closed due to the weather as are all the legal services that I needed to call today.

I'll try and update again if anything else happens.

[mzmolly]

130. Churches may be of help with a damage deposit also? Or

a womens advocacy group might also have some suggestions/financial aid?

Thanks for keeping us posted. I guess the MN weather is benefiting you today.

:hi:

[KyndCulture]

131. The weather sure is!

Mother Nature has her eye out on me today I think.

The paper says we're getting pummeled with the worst storm since 91. I have no idea what that means but appearanlty it was an historic event here.

When this clears out I am going to reach out for some help. I hate doing it but this is an emergency. So far so good. I'm doing ok. If the little cottage house comes through, he'll have no earthly idea where I went and I will be safe and sound and can figure out next steps.

The landlord's 16 yr old son just picked up my application and the rent money that i had in the house. Getting to an ATM is completely out of the question to get the few more bucks I had.

Here's our weather:
htt://www.in-forum.com
Scary stuff!

[mzmolly]

136. YIKES! I hope your power stays on!

Cottage house? That sounds so lovely.

Do reach out for help locally, that's what Churches and some of our tax dollars are SUPPOSED to be for.

Thanks for keeping us updated. Were all thinking of you.

[Lindacooks]

140. 1991 was the Halloween blizzard, where Minnesota got 30" of snow

in two days. Be sure that you contact the women's crisis center when the storm clears. They are your best bet for getting safe and getting justice.

[Lindacooks]

139. More on your abuse

I'm glad you're safe and sound. It gives you some time. Here are more thoughts.

It's good that you're looking for a new place. You may qualify for money under the state's restitution fund for victims of crime. The agency can tell you about that, and help you apply.

You would definitely qualify for an Order For Protection (OFP). Bring proof of your injury (a doctor's report and a Polaroid photo) with you to the agency, and they will help you write the OFP. Definitely photograph the damage -- facial bruises really make judges mad at the perp. If you don't have a Polaroid camera, just go to the agency. They'll have one.

Note: if you have to wait for the doctor's report or anything, don't. Go to the agency as soon as you can. You can arrange the other details later, with their help.

Here's an article I wrote about OFPs:
http://incestabuse.about.com/od/restrainingorders/a/moreonHROs.htm

It has links to two more articles about them.

A real advantage of an OFP is, you could probably get a court order allowing you to stay where you are, and ordering him to stay away. The restitution program may pay for all moving expenses, and might even help with the damage deposit. The OFP could even arrange for a police officer to be present while you move. And if the bastard doesn't stay away from you, then he's arrested for violating the OFP! There are lots of details in an OFP that can help you -- money, utilities, etc. Have the agency help you write one.

Don't get scared away by the people on DU who say OFPs are worthless. They're not. Just like any tool, you have to know what they can do, and what they can't do. Used properly, they can be an effective weapon in your arsenal. The experts at the agency will give you the details. They may also provide you with hardware like a cell phone, or an electronic screamer, etc. They may also be able to have you reimbursed for the cost of changing the locks. That's part of that restitution program the state has, that I mentioned above.

You are doing a great and gutsy thing! Congratulate yourself, and remember what Winston Churchill said: "If you're going through hell, KEEP GOING ! ! !"

[mzmolly]

141. "If you're going through hell, KEEP GOING ! ! !"

Excellent motto.