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Edited on Thu Jul-17-03 07:59 PM by JackSwift
from national treasury."
White House sources today confirmed that President George Bush, National Security Advisor Condolezza Rice and Vice President Cheney had given out the United States Treasury account numbers after receiving a crude plea for help allegedly from a former member of the Nigerian government who needed a place to park $1.5 billion of oil profits to which they were legally entitled but needed to get out of the country. The President and his advisors were promised a third of that $1.5 billion for that assistance, amounting to $500 million dollars, which they assure us they would have shared with some of America's wealthiest one-tenth of one percent of taxpayers and Carlylse Group board members" said the anonymous source. "When they realized that the treasury was missing $450 billion, they decided to add it to the national debt and declare that it was less proportionally than Bush I's debt was as a percentage of gross domestic product. They are still hoping to receive the $500 million that has been promised and that is why National Security Advisor Rice is still going on the Sunday morning talk show circuit asserting that the underlying plan is still considered viable by the Bush Administration, despite criticism from people in the press. Said a spokesman for Rice: "Despite cynicism by people in the press who have not received all the assurances from the Nigerians that we have personally received, we believe, like many elderly and experienced Americans, that this offer and information we have received is accurately transmitted, regardless of the underlying truth of the matter. We are continuing to leave the treasury account open in hopes of receiving all of the $1.5 billion, $500 million of which will be our fee, a third of that mine."
An anonymous spokesman for the Pentagon caused this news organization to learn that the US had in fact invaded Iraq as a precondition for this wire transfer being made, and that our troops are waiting around for the deliver of the money to deposit into the treasury account. We have been assured by our Nigerian contact that we may legally hold Iraqi oil reserves (valued at over $70 billion) as security, and were were presented a trust deed for these reserves executed on authentic 1980s Nigerian government stationary. Accordingly, we have repossessed the Iraqi oil fields, cleared them of any WMDs and are leasing the oil fields out to the Brown & Root subsidiary of Halliburton, which is operating the oil fields under a cost plus profit contract from the US government. Although this plan does allow the Vice President's private sector employer to keep all profits made from actual oil production, the US has been assured that it does have a security interest in all oil that remains in the ground.
Outgoing White House spokesman Ari Fleischer stated: "The President has been told all the details of the series of transactions, althought it is not clear when he was told. These transactions were were conducted with the full knowledge of Secretary Rumsfeld and National Security Advisor Rice, although when they knew is not certain. They are assured by our allies in Islamabad that they have no reason to disbelieve the Bush Administration's faith in the transaction." When asked how the Bush Administration planned to cover the deficit Fleischer replied: "Your presence in the building has been noted. We will bridge the deficit gap writing an IOU to the Carlylse Group and offering to go double or nothing that we get both Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Ladin by August 9, 2003, the 29th anniversary of President Nixon's resignation. In the meantime, I am out of here. Au revior!"
Democratic Presidential candidate and Congressman Richard Gephardt (Dem from Missouri) was reached for comment and stated: "We supported the President in this course of action, and believe that this has something to do with the threat of weapons of mass destruction posed by Iraq, but until the White House tells us exactly what to think, we cannot be more specific. I think it is not appropriate to criticize the President until then." Senator John Kerry (Dem Mass), also a Democratic contender for the nomination, was more critical. He said in a telephonic statement that " think that the President is being forthcoming enough." Gadfly activist and sometimes Presidential aspirant Ralph Nader issued this statement: "Al Gore siphoned off votes from me in 2000."
Please note that this is not posted in LBN because it is old news.
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