The Ideal Republican Wedding - A Fantasy, Really

[JailBush]

Rush Limbaugh marries Noelle Bush in Nevada. George W. and Laura Bush drive to the wedding in separate cars, but neither one makes it. George - wearing a Marine Corps officer's uniform - is busted for driving under the influence, while Laura crashes into another car, kiling the driver. In one of those cosmic coincidences, both sign "Daja vu" at exactly the same time. Jeb Bush doesn't attend, fearing the bad publicity that might result from being photographed with a drug addict.

The Best Man, Ronald Reagan, is distressed because he can't find his wife, Eva Peron, and drives to Rio Lindo by mistake. He's replaced by Dick Cheney, who gives away the bride - for an undisclosed sum. Lynne Cheney passed out patriotic books for third graders, cleverly disguised as a fireworks stand.

Two rows in the back are reserved for "special guests" - Condoleeza Rice, Rod Paige, Clarence Thomas and the bin Laden family. Photographers are instructed to get photos of all the top Republicans with these "special guests."

Rush looks elegant, wearing his full dress uniform lined with medals commemorating his valiant service in the Vietnam War. The ceremonies are conducted by Pat Robertson, who gives a fiery sermon against the evils of feminaziism as Jerry Falwell passes the plate, asking for contributions for Dubya's presidential campaign.

One of the highlights occurs when Robertson and Falwell begin speaking in tongues that no one else can understand. Another highlight is an International Honor Guard consisting of 1,000 people - 999 Israelis and Tony blair. (The Israelis do double duty by protecting Blair, who was deserted by his bodyguards.)

Arnold Schwarzenegger causes a stir when he gropes the brides' maids - except for Anne Coulter, even though she seems to be begging for it. Her face flushes red every time Arnie flashes his silver swastika.

Reporters Dan Blather and Geraldo Rivera hide in the bushes outside; one can be overheard telling viewers he's in eastern Afghanistan.

Entertainment is provided by the Osmonds, Dennis Miller and Jay Leno, who makes 27 jokes about Monica Lewinsky. Everyone dines on genetically modified hot dogs, washed down with Coors beer. The festivities are marred when it's discovered that all the other alcoholic beverages are missing - along with George W. Bush's twins.

But the big bummer occurs when a member of the Secret Service accidentally shoots down one of the Blackhawk helicopters circling outside. Upon crashing, the helicopter releases some unknown biochemical weapons. Fortunately, an unusually strong prevailing wind carries the toxins away from the church, killing more than 11,000 people, most of whom are unemployed and without health benefits anyway.

Rush vows that the unfortunate incident (the loss of the Blackhawk) won't shake his resolve to remain married, no matter what defenses Noelle might marshall against him.