Bush 'Alternative Itinerary': a UK hack writes

[emad]

Try this

Tim Dowling offers George Bush an alternative itinerary for his visit to Britain

The Guardian

Dear President Bush,
Allow us to suggest the following changes to your itinerary, which we hope will make your stay more pleasant. Tuesday evening: Arrive Britain. You are scheduled to be met at the airport by Prince Charles, which gives a fair indication of just how long ago this whole thing was planned. Unfortunately we're not even allowed to tell you why this isn't such a great idea. Trust us: order Air Force One to be diverted to Stansted. Say it was fog. There we can arrange for you to be met off the plane by Jade from Big Brother, who is much more famous than Prince Charles. You don't want to spend three nights at Buckingham Palace. You should stay at Madonna's house: it has proper security, is in a nicer part of London and she's probably got a more up-to-date DVD collection. There's only one problem: she doesn't like you. Perhaps we can pitch it to her as a sort of peace summit.

Wednesday: A good day to get out of London. It seems a shame to ship two armour-plated Cadillacs across the Atlantic and not get out on the open road. Head west on the M40, the English Autobahn. There's a drive-thru Burger King on the way. Eventually you will come to a little country to the left of England where they speak a different language and everyone seems sort of grumpy. No, not Portugal. Guess again. Wednesday evening: You have a state banquet scheduled, but it's bound to be a bit stiff. Your lookalike can handle it. We'll schedule some secret meetings with the new Home Secretary, Mr David Davis. You're gonna love this guy.

Thursday: You are supposed to have lunch with Tony Blair at Downing Street. Instead, you are having tea with Hugh Grant, who plays the prime minister in a new film. The pictures will look better and by the time your re-election campaign starts, everybody in America will think Hugh Grant is the new prime minister. Complain of jet lag and opt out of the press conference that follows. This is a rare opportunity to see a traditional Ye Olde Guy Fawkes Day celebration. Dash down to Trafalgar Square, where thousands of colourfully dressed "marchers" will be holding aloft signs in tribute to the ancient martyr St OpBush. There will be plenty of merriment before everyone joins in to pull down a giant statue of Guy Fawkes. Great fun, and a special photo-op. Thursday evening: You are scheduled to host a dinner for the Queen, which could be tricky to get out of. So just pretend to choke on the starter and excuse yourself. People are more or less expecting this to happen anyway. Then you have a choice: Dylan at the Sheffield Arena or Bowie at the NEC. Either way, it's a helicopter.

Friday morning: Say goodbye to Madonna. Tell her you will give her suggestions some serious thought. At this point, we think Tony Blair is going to press you to make a flying visit to his Sedgefield constituency. Cry off - the weather's bound to be miserable and it's more important to squeeze in a last photo shoot with the Queen and other visiting world leaders. They will all be at Madame Tussaud's waiting for you. After that, relax. Stay an extra night if you want. Just make sure you're gone before the rugby starts.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/g2/story/0,3604,1087610,00.html

[foreigncorrespondent]

1. ROFLMAO

I love it. Especially the ending where it says "After that, relax. Stay an extra night if you want. Just make sure you're gone before the rugby starts." It is going to be a big game. World cup final and it is Australia vs England, and if England looses, there will be a lot of very angry people.

[emad]

2. No chance

That Johnny boy scored all the points last weekend. Aussies ain't gotta prayer.

Ditto Shrub. Prayerless

[dofus]

3. Fabulous!

My favorite is the traditional parade honoring the ancient martyr St OpBush!