Dubya goes to hell!

[cosmicone]

Dubya Goes To Hell

While walking down the street one day, George "Dubya" Bush is shot by a

disgruntled NRA member. His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.

Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there

is a problem: We seldom see a Republican around these parts, so we're not

sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Dubya.

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He

says you have to spend one day in hell and one day in heaven. Then you must

choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in heaven."

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down,

down, all the way to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle

of a lush golf course; the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the

temperature a perfect 72 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse.

Standing in front of it are his dad and thousands of other Republicans who

had helped him out over the years: Karl Rove ("Rowe"?), Dick Cheney, Jerry

Falwell. The whole of the "Right" is here, everyone laughing, happy;

casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and

reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the

"suckers and peasants." They play a friendly game of golf, then dine on

lobster and caviar.

The Devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty drink and says, "Have a

margarita and relax, Dubya!"

"Uh, I can't drink no more, I took a pledge," says Junior, dejectedly.

"This is Hell, son: You can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it

just gets better from here!" says the Devil.

Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who is a very

friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of

like a Yale Skull and Bones brother with real horns.

They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to

go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Bush steps on the elevator and

heads upward. When the elevator door reopens, he is in heaven again and St.

Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven," the old man says, opening the gate. So for

24 hours Bush is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured

people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money,

and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among

them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great, it's not

caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor; he doesn't see anybody he

knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special! Worst of all, to

Dubya, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless

'peace' and 'do unto others' jive.

"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me

for this!"

The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in

Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."

With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Dubya reflects

for a minute, then answers, "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -

- I mean, heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong

in Hell with my friends."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all

the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open, and he finds himself in the

middle of barren, scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial

waste...kind of like Houston. He is horrified to see all of his friends

dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in

black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black

with grime.

The Devil comes over to Dubya and puts an arm around his shoulder. "I don't

understand," stammers a shocked Dubya. "Yesterday I was here and there was a

golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar and drank booze.

We screwed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of

garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were

campaigning; today you voted for us."