I humbly request your prayers this evening and Fri morning

[BigBigBear]

My wife and I mark one week since she was admitted to the hospital, close to death from liver and kidney failure.

Since then, her liver has stopped deteriorating and shows tiny improvement, but her kidneys are sliding again toward complete shutdown, after a couple of days of recovery. Her lab tests tomorrow morning will be critical.

I am so scared of losing her. We have no children, no nearby relatives - only each other.

Thank you for your prayers, my friends.

[Wickerman]

1. Thoughts and prayers BBB

hang in there, buddy. :thumbsup:

[caledesi]

2. BBB - You have my prayers.

My husband and I are like you and your wife - no kids, no family around and I am about to go on disability. I don't know what I would do if my husband were dying. I feel for you BBB, and feel free to PM me.

[freetobegay]

3. You have my prayers

& please give your wife a :hug: from me & you take one also. Peace friend.

[roguevalley]

4. consider it done, honey. I will hold you both in my prayers. I hope you

post as often as you need to. We do love you here.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS!}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[ALago1]

5. You've got my thoughts and prayers friend

Here's hoping for the best...

[NightTrain]

6. Of course my thoughts are with you!

The closest I've experienced to what you're going through was in January 1998, when my father was diagnosed with lung cancer. Since I was an unmarried only child and my mother had already passed away, it was just me and dad.

Two days after the diagnosis, dad was having a great deal of difficulty breathing, so I called 911 and an ambulance rushed him to the hospital. Over the next 48 hours, dad's respiratory system essentially shut down. He couldn't breathe without being hooked up to oxygen, and when he coughed, gelatinous gobs of blood came up. The doctor didn't want to risk an operation because dad's X-rays suggested that his lungs were too weak to withstand surgery.

In the early-morning hours of his third day in the hospital, dad went into cardiac arrest. After a half-hour, the doctors and nurses who attempted to revive him finally gave up. My father, 62, was dead and I, 31, was completely alone.

Geez, I'm sorry, BBB. I'm not trying to make you feel even worse than you already do! It's just that your post reminded me of the last 48 hours of my dad's life and I felt like talking about it.

[mwdem]

7. You are so much in my prayers tonight....

I sincerely hope all will be well.

[dolo amber]

8. Been thinking about you since

your first post, and will continue to do so. Very best wishes for you and your beloved. :hug:

[Kahuna]

9. You have my prayers, BBB.

:hi:

[mwdem]

10. Kick

:kick:

[mwdem]

11. kick again

:kick:

[morningglory]

12. Bless your heart, Big. Let us know how it is going. n/t

[papau]

13. You and your wife are in my prayers.

...

[Pithlet]

14. You and your wife will be in my thoughts.

I hope she gets well soon.

[flamingyouth]

15. I've been thinking of you, BigBigBear

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.:hug:

[Not Me]

16. You have our thoughts and prayers...

Please let us know how things go.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{ hugs }}}}}}}}}}}}}}

to you and mrs. bear.

[havocmom]

17. energy & strength coming to you both

feel the good vibes, BigBigBear. Let the good energy encircle you both.

[mwdem]

18. You have thousands of friends here.

Keep the faith.

[Cassandra]

19. Thinking of you both

[northofdenali]

20. I will keep you in my heart and my thoughts, BigBigBear.

It is such a difficult time. Remember that you have all your friends on DU, as well.

May we discover through pain and torment,
the strength to live with grace and humor.
May we discover through doubt and anguish,
the strength to live with dignity and holiness.
May we discover through suffering and fear,
the strength to move toward healing.

I wish you all the strength you'll need, and all the grace to overcome your fear. :grouphug:

[Nikia]

21. I'll pray for you and your wife

May you both find strength.

[mwdem]

22. kick

:kick:

[JanMichael]

23. You're wife has our best wishes.

You too.

[SheWhoMustBeObeyed]

24. All my good thoughts for you both

And all the strength I can send you.

[Aunt Anti-bush]

25. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

You have us DU'ers and we'll all be praying for you.

[XanaDUer]

26. Both of you will be in our thoughts...

I know what it is like to await a loved one's med tests to come back.

:hug:

[bowens43]

27. You and your wife are in my prayers.

[Bertha Venation]

28. oh, Jesus lord, BigBigBear

You are in my prayers and Mrs. V.'s, too. All the love in my heart is yours & your wife's tonight. :hug:

[Lisa0825]

29. consider it done (nt)

[Mikimouse]

30. Sending you all my very best thoughts and vibes...

I will keep you in my thoughts and hope for the very best outcome for you both.

[Parrcrow]

31. For what its worth Bear

the thoughts and prayers of this little DUer are with you.

[mwdem]

32. kick, again

:kick:

[sweetladybug]

33. BigBigBear, my prayers are with you and your wife

Remember to keep your faith. 3yrs ago my husband was in an explosion and was burnt over 50% of his body. He was in a coma for about 6wks, but I never lost hope that he would get better and he did. I prayed to God everyday to save his life and the good Lord answered my prayers. My husband had hard road to recovery but he survived and he is doing great now. I thank God each day that I still have him. He is the one and only love of my life and we've been married for 34 yrs, so I understand how you feel. If I can be any help to you please send me a private message Gayle

[JVS]

34. I'll pray for you two. (nt)

[cally]

35. Sending many prayers and hugs your way

I'm glad that there is slight improvement and I hope and pray you get good news tomorrow. :hug:

[mwdem]

36. Kick

:kick:

[Sperk]

37. A Big Big Bear Hug for ya. I do believe in miracles....I'll pray,

along with the other DUers, for you and your wife. :grouphug:

[Name removed]

38. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[m-jean03]

39. Reading through this thread

made my eyes water. You guys are so wonderful...

Big Big Bear, I hope and pray for the very very best for you and yours. :)

[Don_G]

40. I Only Wish There Was Something I Could Do

To help, be there or be a friend when you need one tonight.

[mwdem]

41. kick, again

I gotta go to bed. God Bless.

[mwdem]

42. kick

:kick:

[carols]

43. Keepin' the prayer chain kicked to the top

and will keep praying for you both.
Carol
:kick:

[SheWhoMustBeObeyed]

44. Through the darkest hours, you are not alone

We are by your side.

[Fenris]

45. I shall say a prayer for you, your wife and your family

[bubblesby2002]

46. I was hoping you would post again

I read your ealier post and wondered how your wife and you were doing. I'm sending you both good thoughts and lots of good energy.

[Bat Boy]

47. All I got, you got.

[playahata1]

48. We and the Spirit are with you, BBB.

Stay strong. Peace.

[newyawker99]

49. Sending prayers to Mrs Bear.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~prayers and positive thoughts to MrsBear~~~~~~~~~~~~`

[graywarrior]

50. You'll be in my thoughts all day

Hang tough, dude.

[Misunderestimator]

51. You have my prayers this morning....

[ProfessorGAC]

52. All The Good Thoughts I Can Muster, Bear

The Professor

[DancingBear]

53. May she be with you for many years to come

My wife and I send our love and hope.

[supernova]

54. Please give us an update

when you can BigBigBear.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. :grouphug:

[Beer Snob-50]

55. You are in my prayers today

[johnnie]

56. My thoughts are with you....

I really hope all gets better...keep believing

[peekaloo]

57. Good thoughts

for your wife's recovery.

:hug:

[Az]

58. My thoughts and hopes go with you

The ability of the body to repair itself is wonderous. And the professionals in the medical industry (aside from insurance agents) are truly marvels in themself.

[SheWhoMustBeObeyed]

59. kick

[BigBigBear]

60. Tests were bad

although the one measurement they are watching most closely slid less last night than the prior two nights, so she is not derteriorating as fast, for whatever that's worth.

The GI doc is confident her liver is stable and fractionally improving, but her kidneys are still in deep trouble. Her elctrolytes appear nominal, acidity nominal, but creatinine still bad. I haven't seen the renal doc today, don't know what his spin will be. My strength is flagging - I am utterly drained by fear, mourning and manufactured hope.

She looks and feels terrible today, also.

My friends, I am so scared. Thank you for your prayers and good wishes. They help sustain me, at least, through the tears and heartsickness.

[livetohike]

62. A hug, prayers and positive thoughts

that you will have the strength to help see your wife through this crisis and that her condition will improve throughout the day.

Hang in there BigBigBear.

:hug:

[GOPisEvil]

64. Best wishes and positive thoughts!

[Book Lover]

67. We are all thinking of you

and her. My best hopes to you both.

[Bossy Monkey]

68. So sorry. Hang in there; we're with you

Wish I had something better to offer. Are there kidney transplant possibilities?

[Robbien]

71. May God give you strength,

and give you and Mrs Bear lots more time. Things may still turn themselves around.

My hope and prayers are with you.

[flamingyouth]

72. Wish we could do more to help you right now

I'd love to bring you a nice hot meal - whatever your favorite comfort food is. :hug:

:grouphug:

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

76. You have been in my prayers all week

I am SO praying for a miracle.

[bleedingheart]

61. I will say a prayer for you and your wife

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this.

[blm]

63. Peaceful thoughts to you.

.

[commander bunnypants]

65. right there my friend

DDQM

[nclib]

66. Sending you prayers

and healing energy.

[CBHagman]

69. We're with you, BBB

Please let us know how you're doing.

[JohnLocke]

70. God bless you and your wife, BBB.

[soleft]

73. Sending you postive thoughts and wishing you great comfort

[buddhamama]

74. keeping you both in my thoughts

good karma coming your way.

[July]

75. Hoping for a positive change for Mrs. BigBigBear.

You have friends here, even though you haven't met us. Stay strong, take care of yourself. Your love for Mrs. B. comes shining through in your posts. Come back to talk.

[SoCalDem]

77. I just found this thread.. I am so sorry that you two are having

this crisis.. Fingers, toes, eyes crossed for her recovery..
:hug:

[tinnyguy1777]

78. Our Prayers to you and your wife-------

We hope things work out positively--------

[Mrs. Venation]

79. Words Seem So Inadequate

Bertha and I send you our love, BBB. We both ache for you. Our prayers are for both of you. Miracles do happen, and I am praying for your miracle.

[bigwillq]

80. Thoughts for you and your wife.

I hope all goes well and that you have many, many more years together.

[Pale Blue Dot]

81. I'm sending good vibes your way.

I will keep you in my thoughts, BBB. :hug:

[BigBigBear]

82. Another grim chat with the kidney doctor again today

He just looks at her and shakes his head. Her liver is too sick to help her kidneys, and there's relatively little they can do from the outside. I am amazed at how hit-or-miss renal medicine appears to be.

The liver guys say her liver will survive and will recuperate, over time. The kidney doc say her kidneys may not get better until the liver gets better, which could be weeks.

Lots of bottom lines.

1) She's still close to the brink.
2) Dialysis is not required at this stage.
3) Good thing, because it could kill her.
4) Liver and kidneys all functioning, none well.
5) Some of her kidney numbers are nominal - her creatinine rose last night, but by less than the previous two nights. He's keeping her on existing orders "to see what happens"- slow saline IV and albumen.
6) Two experimental drugs, free of side effects, are likely next options if she gets worse. If that happens....

I spent another hour weeping bitterly in a nearby church, praying to the Virgin Mary - penance for 30 years away from my faith, perhaps.

Thank you, all you fine people, for your prayers and concern. I could never repay this kindness, but I should certainly try.

[Robbien]

83. Sending out lots of hugs and prayers

To both you and Mrs. Bear. Here's hoping that liver of hers gets better fast so it can help its kidney buddies.

Please remember to take care of yourself and try to keep fed and rested.

[latebloomer]

85. Love and light and healing vibrations

We are all pulling for her!

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

87. I do want to thank you for keeping us updated

We've been wondering all week about you.

I am sorry to see you going through this. It's hard to watch loved ones face life threatening illnesses. It makes one feel so helpless.

I wish you continued strength through this very trying time and I will continue to include you and your wife in my prayers.

[Parrcrow]

88. Repayment of any kind is not necessary

We are all thinking of you and Mrs Bear.

[Deb]

89. May God answer these healing prayers

and grant you strength.

[cally]

92. Sending more prayers your way

and thanks for keeping us updated.

Do not ever feel guilty for being away from your faith or turning back to your faith in a time of crisis. God forgives us all.

[JohnLocke]

94. BBB

"The LORD bless you and keep you;
The LORD make His face shine upon you,
And be gracious to you;
The LORD lift up His countenance upon you,
And give you peace."

Numbers 6:14

[flamingyouth]

129. I'm so sorry for what you're going through

Continuing to send you prayers and positive wishes.:hug:

[RFKHumphreyObama]

84. All the best to you both BBB

And, once again, you and your wife have my deepest and profound thoughts, prayers, thoughts, love, best wishes and positive vibes extended to you both. I will keep you very much in my thoughts and prayers and know that we are all there for you and that you can confide in us any time you feel you need to.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

86. Sending prayers your way, my friend.

[WhoDoYouTrust]

90. A prayer from me.

Take care,
Judy

[boobooday]

91. Thinking of you and your wife

Hoping that tomorrow she is much, much better.

:hug: :hug:

[Hand]

93. BigBigBear...

I had wondered how things were going--it's good that you've had more time together than was thought, and I hope that it's been a time of both renewal and letting go, if that's at all possible. Our profoundest best thoughts for you both at this hard time--may you gain strength and comfort from your love for each other.

We're all here for you, my friend. Bless you both.

:hug: :grouphug:

[UrbScotty]

95. You most certainly have my prayers.

Hail Mary, Full of Grace,
The Lord Is With Thee.
Blesed Art Thou among women, and
Blessed is the Fruit of Thy Womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God,
Pray for us, sinners,
Now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

[SammyWinstonJack]

96. I hope for the best for you and your wife

:hug:

[BigBigBear]

97. Saturday update

New kidney doc comes in, says that tests indicate her kidneys are stable, i.e., not getting worse. They're trying some low-risk medication that may increase bloodflow to the kidneys and help them function better. They won't let her go until she gets three positive tests in a row, and she hasn't one in 6 days at this point.

Hanging on...trying, anyway.

Thank you all for your best wishes and prayers...fine people.

[TrogL]

99. Our prayers are with you

[Bossy Monkey]

100. That's the most promising news yet. Keep hanging in, and get some rest

We're all still with you.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

101. Saturday hugs.....

Just keep hanging in there my friend...any possibility of a kidney transplant or is her liver too unstable to try?

[flamingyouth]

103. Glad to hear some better news from you

Keeping you in my thoughts.:hug:

[Mikimouse]

104. Ahhhh....Damn it BBB...I just came back to the thread...

I am going to cross all of my available appendages for three good test in a row. I am so sorry that you and your wife have to endure this. Hugs!:hug:

[July]

106. Hoping for further improvements for you and Mrs. Bear.

Sending all positive vibes to you both.

[blm]

110. Keep up the positive outlook.

Will keep sending peaceful thoughts your way.

[solinvictus]

111. Thinking of you and your wife

Hang in there!

[JCMach1]

98. you've got it...

[Skittles]

102. I am thinking of Ms. BigBigBear

please keep us posted.

[VolcanoJen]

105. All of my Love and Best Intentions to Mr. and Mrs. BigBear!!!

:grouphug:

[havocmom]

107. Keeping you two in thoughts and prayers

Strength to you and yours, BBB

[Mz Pip]

108. My thoughts are with you

Praying for a miracle for Mrs. Bear. :grouphug:

MzPip
:dem:

[Shopaholic]

109. Keep us posted

We're here thinking about you and sending up warm thoughts & prayers for you both.

[G_j]

112. my best prayers for you

bless you

[SW FL Dem]

113. I'll add my good thoughts and prayers too! n/t

[brook]

114. My thoughts...

are with you, as well. I believe the Goddess is merciful and hears your cries, my friend. Let Her take your worries and keep them in her spiritual sewing basket while you focus on the good outcome. Peace.

[Missy Vixen]

115. Big Big Bear

We're thinking of you and Mrs. Big Big Bear, and hoping that everything turns out much better than those tests indicate.

We're hoping for a miracle.

Healing and love go out to you both,
Julie

[BigBigBear]

116. Wow

...this just gets better all the time.

The GI doc, the guy who's been telling me for a week that her liver is stable and she may be out of the woods from risk of liver failure, now says she is absolutely NOT out of the woods for complete liver shutdown, she still has no better than a 50-50 shot at surviving this, and that there's practically nothing they can do. She could still fall into coma at almost any time, quite apart from anything her kidneys do.

He is recommending a 3 week Prednisone program for her, says it's been shown to advance and accelerate liver healing/regeneration, at virtually 0 risk. Told me to think it over tonight and we talk tomorrow - one night won't make any difference. I'll tell him to go for it.

I'm wondering how much more of this I can take.

She did take two walks today, had some food and watched the horse race with me. I think I see her getting slowly better (and I spend 20 hours a day with her, the doctors do not), but it may be hopeful optimism acting as an illusion.

It's amazing how unprepared I was for this. I am now a regular visitor at this nearby church.

Thanks for listening.

[dolo amber]

117. Thank you for keeping us updated

And my continued best to you both. :hug:

[Bossy Monkey]

118. I think you can trust your perceptions if you're spending that much time

with her. And I think the GI doctor needs to work on his bedside manner. On the other hand, at least he's not lying too you.

You should pat yourself on the back. You may not think you're strong, but I would have folded up like a map long before this. You're holding up astonishingly well and should give yourself the credit.

[salin]

119. Sending you both many prayers

[JohnLocke]

120. BBB, all of us are thinking of you and your wife.

We all send our prayers and best wishes for you and your family. :hug::hug:

Edit: spelling.

[Zuni]

122. God bless

My prayers are with you and your wife

[rucky]

123. Keep up the optimism

it really helps. it spreads.

[NightTrain]

125. BBB, thanks for these updates.

As you may have guessed by now, we really do care! :hug:

[Robbien]

126. Some Sunday morning prayers being sent

for you and Mrs Bear. Please also take care of you. Eat and drink and sleep enough to keep you strong for your beloved wife.

Here's hoping today brings some improvement.

[Zuni]

121. Done

May the lord be with you and your wife, my friend.
I will say more prayers later.

[Penndems]

124. You've got 'em

My husband and I are holding both of you in our thoughts and prayers.

[nuxvomica]

127. I am praying for Mrs. Bear

Take Robbien's advice and take care of yourself. :grouphug:

[DancingBear]

128. Stay strong, BBB - she'll see it

As always, our love and hope goes out to you both - every day.

[BigBigBear]

130. Sunday results - not good

First lab tests after the new meds prove inconclusive - her creatinine went up again a smallish amount. Kidney doc says he didn't expect a one-day reduction from it, this treatment will be several days. He says her syndrome is hard to treat - at this point, all her docs are giving me the chills about her prospects.

She has a couple of positives - her kidneys do seem to be passing fluids (she dropped a couple more pounds last night), she is not severely bloated from fluid retention as most renal failure patients are, her electrolytes and other kidney measurements are good, her vitals are stable and good, her lungs are clear.

I dunno. I spend 18-20 hours a day with her at this point. I talk to her, take her for her walks, watch her eat. I still think she's getting marginally stronger. Her docs look at lab results, come talk to us for 5 minutes a day, tell us she's got at best a 50-50 chance of surviving this, and then leave until the next day. I toss and turn at night, praying that her lab numbers are better the next day, and they haven't really been better for a week now.

They tell me her liver is functioning, and still say she's in liver failure. They tell me virtually all of her kidney numbers are normal or near normal (except two, creatinine and BUN), and still say she's in kidney failure. I see her getting better, they see her getting worse. They tell me time is probably on her side, and yet grow more pessimistic each time I see them.

She has no infection. Her potassium levels are good. Oxygen saturation in the blood is good. She is eating. She is exercising more now, with less effort, than even four or five days ago. And they're still telling me she is inching towad oblivion, with a syndrome that's very difficult to treat and that is "often fatal". I saw the word "hospice" scribbled on one of the nurse's charts for her the other night. Made my blood run cold.

This is cruel stuff. I'm exhausted, scared shitless, mourning heartsick, short on sleep and nutrition, uncertain how to handle her parents or the house or her work or my work or our few friends.

I try to summon hope and all I get is a sickly-sterile hospital smell, uncomfortable nurses, downbeat doctors and my wife growing more scared and more depressed by the day.

To whoever I wronged for which I am now being punished, I'm sorry. I mean it. Can we please call it even now? Please?

I just want to bring my wife home.

[NightTrain]

132. Damn....

You've had the Week From Hell, my friend. I only wish there were something I could do for you. :cry:

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

133. BigBigBear...there is NOTHING you did that caused this to happen

Without knowing every last detail I cannot say that with certainty, but I do know that guilt and grief are the devil's playground.

End organ failure is very difficult to cope with as it is so unpredictable, but more than once in this thread, you have seemed to communicate guilt as though there is something you did do to make this happen or something you might have done to prevent it.

I really doubt that is the case.

I'm not saying this to lecture you but to let you know that in addition to all you are going through, you are being very hard on yourself through this all..the circumstances alone are tough enough to deal with without you beating yourself up over that which you can't control. Be good to yourself...Mrs BBB needs you strong...not broken down and beating yourself up over things that are out of your control....you didn't do this.

((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))

[supernova]

134. I echo NSMA's words

FWIW, I don't believe God (insert diety name here) punishes us with illness. If that were true, I would have been dead a long time ago.

It simply happens; we don't know why. But I do know that God is there to comfort us and weep with us. :grouphug:

BBB, please take care of yourself so that you can be there for your wife. It's so obvious that you love her dearly.

Have a good meal; get some sleep. Is there anyone who can relieve you at the hosptial for a night? Don't misunderstand me. I'm being practical here. It seems you all are settling in for a long haul with this and it's not good to burn youself out early.

[BigBigBear]

137. My friend

on a certain level, I accept what you're saying. On another level, though, we have always taken care of and loved and supported each other, flawed as we both are. I cannot help but feel, as I see her struggling for her life, that I failed someplace.

I'll have the rest of my days to ponder this if I lose her, won't I?

[Bossy Monkey]

140. It's totally natural to feel that way, but know that it's just a reaction

to fear, pain, fatigue, frustration, powerlessness and uncertainty. If you want to regard this as something sent from God, look upon it as a test, and one over which you and she will prevail.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

141. You will, indeed

but if these are your last hours with her...I would choose for you to spend them in whatever peace is possible in the space of grief...

[Robbien]

142. It is human nature to wonder that but

Think about if the roles were reversed and you were in the bed and Mrs Bear was sitting in the chair beside you racked with guilt that your illness was her fault. You would turn to her and say don't be silly.

So don't be silly. From your posts it is clear you both love each other and support each other through each trial that came along. Some of what you are now feeling is coming from the stress and mal-nourishment you are going through.

Please try and take care of yourself. Again my hopes and prayers are with you both.

[July]

147. What Robbien said. I mean it.

You know every time you hear of a toddler with cancer or some other incomprehensible tragedy that it is part of our human experience to suffer randomly sometimes. Please try to focus on all you can do for Mrs. Bear now, and take to heart Robbien's words about how you would see Mrs. Bear if your roles were reversed.

We've never met you, and yet we recognize real love when you write about Mrs. Bear. Hold onto that. Some people never experience it. And don't give up unless destiny forces you to. Even then, no-one can take from you what you and Mrs. Bear share. It's yours, it's unique, it's precious.

Hoping for the best for you both.

[non sociopath skin]

145. My prayers are with you, big guy.

T'aint your fault.T'aint nobody's fault.

Hang on in there and be strong.

The Skin

[JohnLocke]

154. You are NOT being punished.

NOTHING you did has caused this to happen.

[lachattefolle]

160. Kick

BigBear,
You haven't done anything wrong for which you're being punished. Stay strong, sweetie, for you and your wife.
You don't have a few friends, like another poster said, you have thousands here.
You're not alone.
Please post soon.

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

131. I'm sending you positive vibes, BBB

:( :hugs:

[qwertyMike]

135. Don't feel alone BigBear

We are here for you and your wife

[icymist]

136. Bigbig bear.... Smoke raising in your direction,

You have my prayers and my heart for the best outcome for both of your lives. Icy

[Whitacre D_WI]

138. Damn, BBB.

I really don't know what to say, except I'm thinking about you and your wife. :hug:

[dmr]

139. This has to be very difficult for you

I am so sorry you are having to go through these heart wrenching days and nights alone. It has to be incredibly difficult for you. Maybe one of us lives near you, and we can help you through this. I will come sit with you at the hospital if you are on Long Island.

Please know that you and your wife are in my thoughts and pray that you both can get through this.

[peacefreak]

143. This is so hard.

The medical establishment can be such a cold environment. Does the hospital have any ombudsman on staff to help you deal with the doctors?
Please take care of yourself, as well as Mrs. BBB. May your love for her help to heal as much as the medicine she is taking.

[scaaty]

144. My thoughts are with you

:-) Dear BBB, my heart goes out to you at this time. I will pray for your wife and send good energy her way. Also no matter how hard it may be, you have to keep yourself healthy so you can be with her. Good energy is coming your way as well.

[saracat]

146. My prayers are with you. My husband

and I are also our only family. May God protect you both ,my friend.

[sleepyhead]

148. Best wishes

and good thoughts going out to both you and your wife. Please treat yourself well.

[BigBigBear]

149. I am falling apart

I have been visiting a church daily near where I live - going in to pray to the Virgin Mary, and weep a little. It's a beautiful place, so quiet, with a nice view of the mountains.

I was raised a Catholic - I come back to my faith unsure of myself or my worthiness, but racked with a pain that is breaking me in two.

I came home to spend the night here tonight. I'm not sure why. We said goodbye. I tried not to say it as if I believed she would not be there tomorrow morning when I came to visit. I plan to come back tomorrow, visit in the morning, go to work, and stop by her office to shuffle some paper and check her voicemail in the afternoon, before visiting again in the evening.

But my friends, all you good and fine people pulling for me and my beloved Mrs Bear, I must tell you - I think I'm going to lose her soon.

If they would just tell me it's inevitable, I could take her home so she could be with me and her kitty and the things she loves, comforted by the life we tried so hard to piece together these fifteen years.

Not in some damned hospital...

[cally]

150. Have you talked to the Priest

at the church you are visiting? Also, most hospitals have Priests or clergy who are able to meet with you. I think you do need a night at home to try to take care of yourself a little.

I am so sorry you are facing this. I pray for both of you.

[JohnLocke]

152. BigBigBear

We're always thinking of you. Wherever you go, DUers everywhere are praying and hoping for your wife. :hug::hug::hug:

[ikojo]

153. oh BigBigBear! I am so sorry.

My prayers are with you and your loving wife.

Have you tried talking to a social worker at the hospital? Perhaps he/she knows someone you can talk to about what YOU are going through and the fact you have no close family nearby.

I pray for a refuah shlema (complete healing) for you and your wife.

[saracat]

157. Nothing is inevitable

and we can never know all the anwers.Just feel your love and spend as much time as you can with her.And hug the kitty it will help.I was raised as a Catholic too.And I left, but say a novena or light a candle .It will make you feel better.Pray to an understanding God and remeber God is about love and forgiveness.You are in my prayers tonite.God Bless you and Mrs.BigBigBear.

[Bossy Monkey]

158. Hope today is/was better for you

I hope getting out of the hospital a bit brightens your outlook. It's a hard place to maintain positive thoughts. Here's sending you all I've got.

[silverlib]

164. I, too, can't believe I've missed this post

You certainly have my prayers. Be constantly aware of the thoughts and prayers that we, your friends and admirers at DU, have for you. You are not alone.

[ewagner]

151. As always bigbigbear

our thoughts and prayers are with you....

from the whole family......

[belladonna]

155. I don't know how I managed to miss this thread for so long

Sending all the good vibes I can muster your way. :hug:

[meti57b]

156. Big Big Big Bear, G-d bless you both.

I'll pray for both of you.

[bif]

159. Positive vibes coming your way.

Take care.

[okieinpain]

161. you will have my prayers.

[meti57b]

162. BBB, I'm still thinking about you and your wife.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

163. Here, too. Sending prayers your way BB.

[BigBigBear]

165. ...specialists...

This was my day today:

I decided I would go into work today, try to reclaim a little of my life, for at least a few hours. The hospital called, said they wanted me to attend a "nutrition and treatment options" conference tomorrow at 8:30. My belief about this conference was that the real subtext was that they were essentially throwing in the towel, and prepared to declare her terminal, and recommend hospice care. The lady who called wouldn't be baited into admitting that, but I spent the rest of the day thinking it.

I went in to her office this afternoon, after a not-very productive day at my own office, to gather her mail and voicemail and try as best I could to keep her updated on her practice. Then I went to see her.

I got there about 7-ish. She said, "The kidney guy came in around 1 today. He said I was dying, that I had few options left and I should consider a hospice." She just looked at me.

"Dying of what? Your kidneys are nowhere near shutdown (even if they were, there's dialysis), your creatnine leveled off overnight and your liver is still stable. What does he think you're dying of?"

"He just said, 'The numbers we're seeing between your liver and your kidneys are not compatible with surviving.'"

We talked a little about it; she talked about doing a will, selling her car, me taking care of her cat - and then my cell phone went off, I said I'd be right back and stepped outside to take the call, which was from a friend who wanted to know if she could visit tomorrow.

I came back in ten minutes later, and Dr. Goldstein was there talking to her, the tragically nerdy GP doc who took her in the ER and has visited with her every single day as her primary care physician since her hospitalization. He's the guy who said to her, the first night, "You're dying". He wasn't my favorite character in this drama early on, but I'm realizing he's a doctor, someone who communicates with his patients and treats the patient - the specialists are scientists, who tend to treat their patients as bagfuls of symptoms - this kidney guy has always looked at her like she was a medical school exam question, and frankly, I think he made her worse.

Goldstein was astonished at the kidney specialist's prognosis - firstly, for being so certain about her terminal condition (which he said no good doc would ever do); and secondly, for being wrong. Goldstein was the original skeptic about her odds - he now believes she's pretty stable, her creatnine is too high but not outrageous, her liver is holding its own and should improve with prednisone (which she's only been on for one day), and he insists there is NOTHING in her numbers that suggests a certain prognosis of death. Indeed, he's actually slightly optimistic; he thinks rest, being at home and time will lower her liver stats, her kidneys will heal with even a slightly healthier liver (which could well result from the prednisone she just started yesterday), and that, while still at great risk of dying of her condition (technically called "hepatic encephalopathy", or liver failure), she has a pretty good chance of getting out of this. He said, "I can't make this conference tomorrow, but you can put me on the record as disagreeing with the prognosis and advocating her going home. She should get out of the hospital before the doctors kill her."

"You're looking at the same lab results they are, right?"

"Yes, uh-huh."

"And you don't see a spike in anything that causes you alarm?"

"Nope. She's very, very sick, but more or less stable. Her vitals are excellent, her lungs are clear, she's infection free, the encephalopathy is lifting. All good signs. I can see she's getting better. I'd still say she's fifty-fifty, but leaning positive."

"Then what the hell is this 'kidney specialist' talking about?"

"I don't know, Dave, but you should get some answers. I think she's hanging in there."

"You're not blowing smoke up my ass?"

"No, I'm not. I just don't see anything that alarming right now."

Someone reading this might be thinking to themself: Bear is making this up, this doesn't sound real, this whole thing is bullshit.

Trust me, this is real, this is what's hapening, and it's ranged from "She's dying", to "Her liver will survive this and her kidneys are improving" to "Her kidneys are worsening, but her liver is still okay" to "Her liver is making her kidneys sick" to "We really don't understand the relationship between the liver and the kidneys" to "She's not out of the woods" to "She's dying" to "No, she's not".

Folks, I am spent. 10 days of this, no end in sight.

And yes, she's worth it.

Thanks to everyone for your kind words and support - it helps to share this ordeal.

[Robbien]

166. Oh Bear, please know we are here

You are not alone, we care and keep hoping and praying for you and Mrs Bear.

The human body is a miraculous thing where often it can overcome serious health threats. It is awful that in many cases the doctors put the patient and family through a very scary roller coaster ride which seems to do more harm than good.

Uncertainty is so stressful. My advice would be, as long as there is a chance just decide for yourself that this is going to get better and you and Mrs Bear both work toward that goal. All this back and forth business is too wearying.

Sending good thoughts your way.

[meti57b]

167. "he now believes she's pretty stable" looks like great news, to me!!!

I have a very good feeling that she is going to survive this!! I will be thinking about you and your wife and wishing you both the best of everything!

[proud patriot]

168. re affirming my prayer of Strength

:hug:

[Missy Vixen]

169. Hoping for continued improvement

>He said, "I can't make this conference tomorrow, but you can put me on the record as disagreeing with the prognosis and advocating her going home. She should get out of the hospital before the doctors kill her."<

Amen.

Let's hope that Mrs. BigBear's being at home with familiar surroundings, the kitty, and her loving husband will keep this miracle happening.

We're all pulling for you.

Julie

[July]

170. Can you take this doctor's advice and take her home?

Maybe it will be a more positive environment and will make you both feel better. You can always return to the hospital if there is a need.

This is something positive to work with. You both stay in my thoughts.

[nini]

172. Still praying for you....

Where are you? maybe there are some DUers in your area that could be there for you for phone calls etc.. when you need to talk to someone?


I hate to see you going through this alone. I am praying for strength and peace for both of you. :hug:

[never cry wolf]

175. Hang in there Bear,

Keep praying and keep loving. I went through much the same thing with my wife, she got pneumococcal pneumonia, the same type that killed Jim Henson, and spent 31 days in ICU, very touch and go at times, one day about 3 weeks in she got 3 collapsed lungs and a huge blood clot was discovered in her thigh. She had pulmonary and infectious disease specialists, nutritional and anesthesiological specialists (she was in an induced coma the whole time) and of course the admitting doctor who was an internist.

I got a different story from each of them, when they were able to make it around. On top of that I had to deal with 3 sister-in-laws and 2 brother-in-laws who questioned each decision I had to make and two kids at home.

She finally pulled through, and I trust Mrs. BBB will as well. Hang in there, she needs you to be strong.

[beyurslf]

171. Kick just make sure this stays on the first page.

[mac56]

173. Prayers for her and for you, BBB.

Strength to you both.

[gypsy11]

174. You have my prayers.

Both you, and your wife.
I know what it's like to go through something like this, my father died in September of pancreatic cancer... They kept saying he was getting better, and then getting worse, it went on for two months before he passed on.
I will pray that you and your wife have a much more positive outcome.

[BigBigBear]

176. The conference this morning

We had our conference this morning. It was the kidney guy, a liver guy who I have never met and has never actually treated her afaik, a social worker and one of the nurses.

The primary care guy wasn't there, he told me he wouldn't be.

Bottom line: "Our prognosis is she may have a few weeks to live. We give her < 2% chance of recovery. If you take her home, don't plan to take her back to the hospital if she gets worse, and we believe she will. Her kidneys are fine, they are being choked by a failing liver. Her liver has no capacity to recover. We've seen this before, and it's fatal. Sorry, but that's that. She'll grow more tired, more lethargic, and eventually slip into a coma, and from there it's just a matter of time.

If you choose hospice care, we'll help. If you choose home and home/hospice care, we'll help. If she wants to stay here we may be able to extend her life a little, but not much. If you want to make her more comfortable, fine with us. There's little medical reason to keep her in the hospital, except we can keep an eye on her. But if the worse happens, it probably won't matter much either way. And the worse will happen, fairly soon.

Oh, and by the way, her kidney and liver numbers were both better today. We don't know why. But it doesn't change our prognosis.

Let us know what you want to do. Sorry, and good luck."

I am still praying. Perhaps in vain.

We are on Colorado's Front Range, northwest of Denver.

[Mayberry Machiavelli]

177. Good luck and Godspeed to you and your wife, Bigbigbear. n/t

[Nikia]

178. Can you get a second opinion/get her treated at another hospital?

I don't know how good the doctors and hospital you are at are, but I know that if I were in bad shape at my local hospital, I'd want taken to a better hospital. I say that from friends who almost died or suffered needlessly from things that could have been fixed because of the staff's incompetence. I know that she is weak and it might be hard for you to take her to a different hospital. I also know that some insurance carriers are very particuliar about what hospital one is treated at. It sounds like you need a second opinion though.
My thoughts and prayers are still with you and your wife. This is just my opinion.

[Dookus]

179. I'm so sorry, BigBear...

Don't give up hope. Ever.

Best wishes your way.

[Robbien]

180. Well Bear, I agree with your GP doctor

He told you to get Mrs Bear away from the negative specialists and take her home. Since time appears to be the recommended medicine, time at home might be the best medicine.

Each day Mrs Bear is alive, is a day her liver has time to regenerate. Keep hope alive.

Sending out lots of prayers.

[GCP]

182. BBB - get her home and have hospice nurses take care of her

They're not doing anything positive in the hospital, she can take the meds just as well at home, and the hospice nurses can draw blood as needed for tests.

You will both feel better at home, and I'd go with your gut and what your primary MD told you.

And, speaking as an RN, I can tell you that hospice is a huge improvement on hospital care.

If the worst happens, (and I say "if", not "when", she'll have a much easier and sweeter passing at home with you and Kitty there than in hospital.

((((Hugs and good thoughts to you both)))) :grouphug:

[mwdem]

184. I hope you get her home, with a hospice nurse...

she'll be more comfortable, and you'll have someone on hand that can truelly help. My prayers are with you.

[Only Me]

185. Is there no hope, or time for liver transplant ? I will pray

for you and your wife.

[flamingyouth]

188. You're still in my thoughts

Every time I see this thread pop up, I think of you and hope for the best.

You can call me crazy and/or naive, but I still believe in medical miracles, bbb - so I'm praying for one for you here.:hug:

[fortyfeetunder]

189. Hang in there both you and Mrs. Bear

I've read your updates and just livid over the way MD's are dealing with your wife's condition. My thoughts are with you and Mrs Bear, and I too hold out for a miracle she does heal from her ordeal.

[GreenPartyVoter]

192. *hugs* will pray for you two!

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

181. Many prayers to you and your wife

May you always be together inside!

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

183. Just dropping you a note to let you know you are on my mind

and in my prayers during this difficult time..peace to you and Mrs Bear.

[dolo amber]

186. Gah

I literally shed tears for you...I can only imagine how hard this is for you. :hug:

As has been stated...never give up hope. That's the one thing you have, no matter what the *experts* say. :)

[Dookus]

187. I, too, have shed tears

over this story. It's heartbreaking.

I wish deeply for a good outcome.

[Throckmorton]

190. I hope it turns out well,

Prayers for you and your wife.

[bleedingheart]

191. Please don't give up hope!

Eight years ago I was told I would need a heart transplant to survive but I fought the advice of my docs and got a new doctor who weaned me off the meds and today I am fine and did not need the heart transplant....and no meds....

I pray for your wife and I send big hugs to you for being there for her! That is wonderful! My husband stood by me and fought with doctors and nurses while I was ill and it was great to have him there by my side....

[MissMillie]

193. BigBear, I am praying for you both

I don't know where you are, but if you need anything and are willing to disclose your location, send me a PM. If there's anything I CAN do, I will be there.