Can't find a joke thread, so--

[eridani]

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and 'lo-and-behold' a genie appeared!

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie, so, what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for ... a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see that fuckin' map again."

[andino]

1. : )

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that, a big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? . . Seriously?" . . .asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How does it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "You asshole...it's three o'clock in the morning!"