Which kind of CHEATING is worse?

[Cheswick2.0]

To clarify
obviously there are problems in this relationship:

Person one is not just sharing feelings with a friend, he/she shares everything, dinners, concerts, picnics with other friends... and refuses to take partner along because partner doesn't "fit in"... but continues to have sex exclusively with partner/spouse.

Person two after months of this treatment finally has sex with someone who is simply kind and attentive and happy to see him/her when he/she walks into a room.

This is the situation a friends child is facing and I am interested in the differences in male and female response.

[radwriter0555]

1. Feeling guilty, are you? Whatta ya gonna DO about it?

Hmmmm?

[Cheswick2.0]

3. I think we call what you are doing projection

peace of Christ Babe

[Syn_Dem]

2. Seeing as how I've been through both...

I have to go with the 2nd.

[Cheswick2.0]

5. I think it is interesting

I wonder if men and women would answer this differently

[KCDem]

9. probably.

You should add that to your poll.

I am female, and think that the former is worse.

[WhoCountsTheVotes]

4. Oh my what a question

What you expected an answer from me???

[Cheswick2.0]

6. No having a talk with a male friend

and wondering if men and women (in general) would answer this differently. He says the 2nd is worse, I say the first is.

[angka]

14. equally unacceptable

you are talking about a breach of trust in either case. and speaking as someone who gets cheated on frequently, i can tell you there's no satisfaction in one as opposed to the other. it just sucks.

wow i'm a frigging ray of frigging sunshine today, aren't i?

[regnaD kciN]

39. I think the way you presented it isn't; quite even-handed...

...since you go on and on about the first "offense," and present the second as merely a "reaction" to the first, and in more positive terms.

To answer, I'd need to know a lot more about the people, their histories (both together and apart), and their values than what was presented here.

[Cheswick2.0]

41. the second was a reaction to the first

a bad reaction, but a reaction never the less.

[FlashHarry]

7. Just remember, acording to Ah-nuld

'Eating is not cheating.'

[Cheswick2.0]

8. according to ken Starr it is

yikes, lol

[kixot]

10. Is this to help you win an argument?

Cause no matter what you'll still be in the dog house.

[Cheswick2.0]

12. no, we aren't arguing

he is talking about his son and daughter in law. I think the former is worse. He thinks the 2nd choice is worse. To me it is the classic male female debate... For me I would much rather have someone cheat on me with sex than emotional intimacy.

[EOTE]

49. I agree...

And yes, if you divide the poll up into male and female groups, I'm guessing you'll see a large gender gap. Men (myself included) tend to think of sex as a largely physical thing, and if it's shared with someone you love, all the better (fringe benefits, so to speak). Women, seems to me, tend to think that sex is something that should be shared exclusively between two people in love, and that sex is a way to consumate a relationship. I (perhaps controversially) think that women are less likely to consider and affair to be an affair unless sex was had.

[Nikia]

11. Case 1 suggests a long term problem with a marriage

I see nothing wrong with sharing feelings and time with a friend of the sex to which one has an attraction. This is necessary for true friendship. There is a problem though if one spouse is not sharing feelings and time with the other regardless if one is spending one's time and emotions on other people or perhaps a hobby, job, or other pursuit. It is not nice to exclude your spouse/partner. In most cases, this problem can be recognized and dealt with some where along the line and fixed if the partners are really committed to their relationship.
Case number two is based upon a short term decision but that decision changes things forever. Since it probably occurred even before it was recognized, it is not like it can be caught before it gets out of hand like case number one. I think that, for that reason, it is worse.
Personally, I would feel more insulted by case number two, because it suggests that my husband sees women just as sex objects and since I have sex with him regularly. In case number one, I would be ready to work on our relationship problems.

[tedoll78]

13. Well..

I've been through the first scenario, being the one who was cheated-on. It was horrible. Hurt very badly.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

15. Ok...I vote "meaningless 2 night stand" because...

People can't be everything to each other.

If, for example, my husband is presently unsupportive of my career, I'll find that disturbing and tell him so. However, I can also assume that he is not interested in the details of my career and respect that. Supposing that I had a male friend in whom I could confide, whom I felt was supportive of my career goals, I would do so...and I'd also discuss with him my husband's disinterest if I felt it had bearing on my situation.

It doesn't mean I'd have a sex affair with him.

[Nikia]

25. Sharing with friends is alright

It is natural for people to have a variety of intersts and concerns and some topics are better to talk about with friends (of either sex) than spouses/partners (based on their intersts and concerns). I don't think that is wrong at all. If you are not there at all for your partner though, that is a serious problem.

[Raine]

16. I have been a victim of both but

I still find the second worse because when someone risks everything for "MEANINGLESS" sex over two nights, THAT REALLY HURTS! :-(

[tjdee]

17. Isn't the first emotional abandonment??

I think they're equally bad.

But, sex is usually reserved for couples of some sort, and talking about your feelings....you could do that any day of the week with anyone in the world.

I would be negatively affected by both--but the second is really easy, and in your face. The first kind of...takes a while to dawn on you.

[noiretextatique]

18. a tricky question

what if the relationship is essentially over? would number one still be considered cheating?

[Cheswick2.0]

19. don't know

Is it over? (I have updated poll somewhat) If the relationship is over why is person one still having an exclusive sexual relationship with the 2nd?

[noiretextatique]

21. it's over, no sex

no one is having sex :D she wants a divorce...he won't leave. btw, he charged her birthay present on her credit card. she and i are friends...he's freaking out.

[Cheswick2.0]

23. lol, so you know them too?

:D

[noiretextatique]

24. he's very jealous of our relationship

because she's gay...a long story...but apparently there a lot of other problems besides just that...and that's a biggie. the more possessive he acts, the more she runs to me, and the more they fight. i told her she needs to get him out of her house...ASAP.

[Cheswick2.0]

27. yes I can see where her being gay could be a problem

that's a toughy. Years ago I had two friends who got married. He is gay and she knows it. I know they loved each other but I tend to think she is asking for a life time of pain.

[Qutzupalotl]

20. I'm a guy, and I think the first is worse.

Especially if the 2?!-night stand is really "meaningless". Shrug it off. See a doctor about STDs, though. ;)

The first scenario means you're not the #1 in the person's emotional life. You've been bested. Someone else fascinates. So even when you're together, the other person is wishing they were with someone else. That's the end, IMO.

The second one is just about physical whims. As a guy, I understand the need for variety there. Better to discuss it first (or instead), though. A fling is more likely to be gotten "out of their system", and your partner is present again.

[Cheswick2.0]

22. thanks for sharing

Really, It is nice to hear that from a male point of view.

[regnaD kciN]

40. Disagree...

...maybe because I don't see sex as simply something "meaningless" and "physical," but as something that implies a deeper and more intimate emotional connection than even the closest friendship could bring.

For me, if a partner cheated by having sex with another, it would equally mean you're not the #1 in the person's emotional life. You've been bested. Someone else fascinates. So even when you're together, the other person is wishing they were with someone else. That's the end, IMO.

(And it has happened to me, so I know what I'm talking about.)

[Capn Sunshine]

26. No "Both" choice?

They both suck in their own ways. The pain from either betayal can linger for a lifetime.

If they won't get help there's no hope and surely # 2 will repeat itself with one and #1 with the other
and what have you got then?

[Cheswick2.0]

28. okay, yes there should be a both choice.

ches

[dweller]

30. i don't know, since

just stepping in here, both are polling equal at 50:50.
there's your 'both' choice pretty much.
i'm not voting, but exiting gracefully.
dp

[FreeperSlayer]

29. ouch

eom

[Rabrrrrrr]

31. I say the first one

And I'm a guy. That's just intentional abandonment and unwillingness to actually be in a relationship.

A meaningless one or two night stand, harmful as that can be, if it is truly meaningless, is nothing in comparison with complete emotional detachment; and not just detachment, intentional actions meant to exclude the partner.

[Ein]

32. The first one.

(Male). It would bother me more for my spouse to have an deep intimate relationship with someone behind my back, than have a shallow sexual encounter.

[NightTrain]

33. The "exclusion" type would hurt me terribly

All my life I've been ostracized in various capacities because I "didn't fit in." But if I were to receive the same treatment from a person I truly cared for, rather than from some jerk-offs in school or dumbass Yuppie co-workers, the pain would be unbearable! It's like your partner is saying, "You're only good for fucking. The rest of the time, you can get lost."

And remember folks, this is a *man* saying that!

[Shanty Oilish]

34. Each cheating self

Both settling for this arrangement (I wouldn't call it a relationship), then both are cheating themselves.

Plus, I immediately wonder if person 1 is truly not having sex outside this arrangement.

[Cheswick2.0]

45. yes I question that too

but I am trying to take the situation at face value.

[last_texas_dem]

35. Tough question

I vote for the latter for a couple reasons. For one, I don't consider the first one to necessarily (technically) be cheating. I think it's probably the crueler of the two behaviors to do to someone, however. I also think the latter is definite grounds for separation, while the former is something that could and should be worked out or at least an attempt should be made to do this. I wouldn't give the same advice to a couple whom had had the latter occur, however.

However if I were in a relationship I honestly can't say which I would rather have, or not have, happen to me, so maybe I don't really know what I feel.

I am a male, FWIW.

[Terwilliger]

36. why do I feel like this is a false question?

it may be true

that person who cannot share her lover with her "friends" must know that she, herself, is not happy with her lover

her lover (person two) should flee that...and say "flee that!"

Hello, Cheswick! I hope you are well.

[Cheswick2.0]

43. true question

the first person is the male by the way, the second is female.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

37. It's not even something I can view in degrees of better or worse

whether you give your heart away or your body...you were disloyal and need to get to the source of your own disloyalty...either that or your promises are meaningless.

BTW...I obviously didn't vote.

that said..in the first scenario..if it is a once in a while thing and they EACH have friends that they sometimes accompany...that's a little different...one of the reasons I'm not too terribly good in relationships is because I can't have my life be a constant entanglement with someone else...it's still gotta me my life.

[Cheswick2.0]

42. I am the same

I had several relationships that were all about jelousy and possesiveness. I lost years of my life and most of my self estime, ambitions, talents and strengths to a marriage with someone who had to beat the shit out of me mentally and keep me down so he could feel less powerless.
So it has literally been years since I was involved with anyone. I am too busy and that person doesn't just happen along in your life without some effort made to find him/her.

[GOPisEvil]

47. That's the way I feel...either way is just as painful to the victim.

By the way, I've walked in on the woman I was dating having sex with another guy, so I know how shitty that feels.

I wouldn't stand for someone deliberately exclulding me from activities. Even if I weren't interested in certain things, I would at least appreciate the gesture of asking me along. Hell, maybe I might change my mind, or maybe I feel like spending time with my SO that night, no matter the activity.

It's hard to get into degrees of wrong. The two acts don't cancel one another - they amplify the other. :-(

[MiltonLeBerle]

38. The Worst Kind-

is when the wife is spending time w/and sharing all important feelings with another guy, excluding partner for months, telling spouse that it's all platonic and nothings going on, but in reality they're shagging each others brains out, while laughing about what a moron the cuckold husband is for buying the story about 'nothing going on'...

If you ask me, that's the worst kind of "cheating"

[Cheswick2.0]

44. I am sorry

sorry that happened to you. Question.....if they really had not been having sex, would you still feel that "nothing was going on".

[dawg]

46. I'm sorry, but ...

fucking someone else is a whole lot worse than some bullshit emotional distance mumbo jumbo.

[WhoCountsTheVotes]

48. Most DU responses seem to be the opposite of the stereotype

It's been long held that men are more concerned about sexual infidelity, and women more concerned about emotional infidelity, but the responses here seem to turn that around. Interesting.

[sangh0]

50. Equally as bad

Both are betraying the commitments they made to each other.

[Blue_Chill]

51. Both because the results are the same

Cheating isn't simply about having sex, it's about making ones parnter feel less then #1. It's about bucking the hard road of breaking things off and moving on in favor of the more selfish route of having your cake and eating it too.

Both of these people are hurting eachother and refusing to address their problems head on. The first person should not be such an asshat and take his/her loved one with them to these events. There are few things more insulting then being left at home beacuse you are good enough to go.

The second person should have ended the relationship before sleeping with someone else.

I feel bad for both of them.