|
As you may or may not know, Attorney General Jesus H. Ashcroft is currently on a four-week, 18-city tour of the United States, delivering the Good News about how much safer we all are now, thanks to the relentless onslaught of Homeland-protecting legislation that has bubbled up from his Justice Department since the terrorist attacks of 9-11 turned us all into a nation of quivering, unquestioning proto-jellies. What follows is a transcript of Ashcroft's recent address to an enthusiastic, invitation-only audience at a high-school gymnasium rented by the Matthew Hopkins Society, a conservative think tank dedicated to furthering the ideals of Christian traditionalism and social activism as best exemplified by their namesake.
*** **** ***
MARANATHA, CLEVELAND!
Are you ready to find out what the passing of the U.S.A.P.A.T.R.I.O.T.A.C.T. means for our success in the war against terror?
(The crowd roars)
I said, are you ready to find out what the passing of the U.S.A.P.A.T.R.I.O.T.A.C.T. means for our success in the war against terror?!
(The crowd roars again)
I can't hear you! Now, say it like you mean it! ARE YOU READY to FIND OUT what the passing of the U.S.A.P.A.T.R.I.O.T.A.C.T. means for our success in the WAR AGAINST TERROR?!?!?!
(The crowd goes wild, standing, stomping ovation)
That's more like it! Now, before we begin, I'd like to take a moment to thank Darryl Worley for coming out here tonight and singing his wonderfully rousing patriotic songs for us. I couldn't have asked for a better opening act, and I assure you, Darryl, that I, for one, have not forgotten.
(Darryl Worley stands to take a bow. Crowd applauds Darryl Worley)
Friends, the international commun- I mean terrorist threat is real, and just as imminent as the Second Coming of our one and only Lord and Savior, King Jesus the Christ, Amen.
(Crowd says Amen)
Nearly two years have now passed since American ground was hallowed by the blood of innocents. Two years separate us from the day when our nation's stock of consecrated ground grew tragically larger. That day, a familiar list of monuments to American freedom - places like Little Big Horn, Gettysburg, Mogadishu, Wounded Knee and the Branch Davidian compound in Waco, Texas - grew longer by four:
16 acres in lower Manhattan.
The Pentagon.
A field in the Pennsylvania countryside.
Floors-and-More Carpets and Coverings Warehouse in Rolo, Missouri, where the prices are truly "wholesale-direct" on name brand carpets, area rugs, vinyl, vinyl tiles, hardwood flooring, laminates and floor covering accessories. Plus, they're Christian owned and operated, so you never have to worry about your hard-earned money going to fund the homosexual agenda or what have you. But I digress.
You may recall that America began to respond to the attacks of September 11 even before the towers hit the ground. It began on Flight 93, where brave passengers used karate to knock their plane out of the sky and into a field, rather than into Air Force One, which we later found out was the terrorists' original target.
It continued as the months went on, when courageous patriots across the nation flooded Homeland Security's TIPS hotline with vital information on the whereabouts and activities of their Arab, Persian, Hindu, Sikh, Hispanic, liberal and bearded neighbors.
It continues to this day, in the form of American flag decals plastered on car bumpers and windshields, signaling the kind of stick-together patriotism this country needs… the kind that doesn't brook any sass-back from smart-mouthed trouble makers!
(Crowd cheers approvingly)
Folks, fact is that if we knew then what we know now, we would have passed the U.S.A.P.A.T.R.I.O.T.A.C.T. six months before September 11 like we planned, rather than six weeks after the attacks. Of course, the only way to get such robust and forceful legislation passed was by slipping it in during the grief-stricken wake of a mind-numbingly horrific terrorist attack, when dissent was rightfully labeled treason, and we had carte blanche to deal with the situation as we saw fit. So, even though everything worked out perfectly in the end, you can appreciate the bind we were in.
Today, thanks to the legislation in question, law enforcement in this country have been given the tools to cut a wide swath through this nation's thriving Islamist underground. Cells in Buffalo, Detroit, Seattle and Portland have been disrupted, and as of today, there are 255 fewer data entry clerks, falafel chefs, and retail electronics salesman walking the streets of God's America. Where they are now, what they allegedly did to land themselves there, and what we're allegedly doing to them in captivity is, of course, a matter of national security, and thus I'm not at liberty to discuss it. However, you may rest easy knowing that whatever Constitutional guarantees might have formerly hindered our efforts in this regard - in effect helping the terrorists win - no longer apply to this new breed of Jihadist supercriminal.
Of course, not everybody has the intestinal fortitude required to sew up all those bothersome Constitutional loopholes. The ACLU, for instance, doesn't much care for the New Way we do things here in America. Nor do PFAW, nor the Center for Public Integrity, nor the American Librarians Association, nor the Union of Concerned Scientists. NAMBLA and the Church of Satan aren't too keen on it either, but I'm not letting that keep me up at night, if you know what I mean.
(Crowd laughs)
Addressing all the "concerns" raised by these America-hating enemy-combatants-in-all-but name would frankly be impossible, so I'm not even going to bother trying. I am pleased to report, however, that a two-to-one majority of Americans believes the U.S.A.P.A.T.R.I.O.T.A.C.T. is a necessary and effective tool that protects their liberties and freedoms, and as history teaches us again and again, the majority - especially when kept on edge by constant official warnings about ever-more-devastating terrorist attacks that threaten to rock this nation off its very foundations - is always right.
In conclusion, I would like to reiterate that the cause we have chosen is just, and that the course we have chosen in this cause is constitutional… depending on whether or not you're a stickler for definitions. Almighty God in His wisdom has seen fit to grant America the sole, custodial responsibility of leading the world, and as such has granted us worldly dominion over all of His creation. One nation, under God, armed to the teeth and near-psychotic with fear, charged with the task of ensuring our precious, glorious, Creator-given freedoms and liberties. This we will do by implementing cradle-to-the-grave monitoring of every American citizen - and, eventually, of every human being on the planet - complimented by omnipresent electronic surveillance and identity-verification technology currently under development in the labs of DARPA.
Thank you. God bless you and God bless America!
(Cheering crowd jumps to its feet as Ashcroft leaves the stage. Rapturous applause and shouts of "Ash-Croft! Ash-Croft! Ash-Croft!" fill the auditorium for five long minutes. Finally, Ashcroft returns to the microphone)
Thank you, you've been a wonderful audience. May God bless and keep you all. Now, I don't usually do this, but seeing as tonight has been so special for me - as I hope it's been for all of you - I think it will be okay if I indulge myself just this one time. Darryl? Would you care to join me?
(Darryl Worely joins Ashcroft on stage)
Ready? One, two, three…
Let the eagle soooaaar,
Like she's never soooaaared before.
From rocky coast to golden shoooore,
Let the mighty eagle sooooooaaaaaar…
(The crowd goes wild. Lighters are held up, then sparked. A thousand tiny flames light up the darkened room. The end)
|
Printer-friendly format
Email this thread to a friend
Bookmark this thread
(93 posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
