* makes my ass want to chew tobacco (share your outlandish phrases here!)

[Bertha Venation]

"'You make my ass want to chew tobacco.'

"That's what she said."

From Carol Burnett's memoir, One More Time. This was the choice phrase uttered by her mother when Carol, the child, did something that tried her patience.

What outlandish, nonsensical, or just plain weird utterances are you familiar with?

Mrs. V. has one I love, for when she stammers: "My tongue got wrapped around my eyeteeth and I couldn't see what I was saying."

Share! Share!

[m-jean03]

1. I dunno...

It's a tradition in my family to say "It's a nice day for a nice day, huh??"

That's sort of silly, I guess. :)

[GOPisEvil]

2. I don't know whether to shit or wind my watch.

[mac56]

9. George Carlin's retort:

"Guess I'll just shit on my watch."

[Carni]

3. Slicker than a greased poll...

Slicker than a greased poll...Up a black dog's ass.

Butt crack warm (in reference to a beverage that was supposed to be chilled)

I heard these gems at work years ago
(Aren't you glad you asked? lol)

[Loonman]

4. Makes my dog piss

Oh, yeah!

[northzax]

5. well, that's more mixed up

than a basket of puppies on a ferris wheel.

[mac56]

6. hi Bertha!

:pals:

My Kentucky brother-in-law has many of them.

If something tastes really good, it "makes your tongue slap your brain."

If you have a sudden yen for a food item, it "flung a cravin' on you."

[Bertha Venation]

21. Both those sound like something Mrs. V. would've brought from East TN!

:hi:

[Unperson 309]

23. My Mama's Tennessee Wisdom!

"That was slicker'n owl shit!"

I've also heard that as slicker than owl shit on an axe handle or slicker than owl shit on a doorknob.

One she used as a girl (and gave up when it became incorrect!) was
"I'm sweatin' like a n****r at an election!"

Never could figure that one out! Why an election? Oh, well.

When she was happy she was "tolerable."

She was confused about one word. She claimed the word was simply a mispronunciation of the word "vow". The phrase used was "Well, what do you low?"" with "low" pronounced to rhyme with plow or cow.
I finally found the correct wording. It's "What do you allow?" and she had always heard it with the first syllable elided. It should be written as "What do you 'low?" when pronounced that way.
She also uysed it in "Well, I 'low!" as an expression of surprise.
"I'll 'low that!" or "Well, they finally 'lowed I was tellin' the truth!"

My favorite was "He was shaking like a raccoon shitting a thistle!"

309

[kmla]

7. Speaking of someone you don't like....

"I wouldn't have that guy up my ass if I had room for a boxcar."

or

"I wouldn't piss on him if his guts were on fire."

My family (expecially Dad of kmla) had a way with words. :)

[DinahMoeHum]

8. "He can't kick a duck in the ass unless he stands on a brick. . ."

"...and even then, it's a 50/50 chance he'll miss"

(no source available - I made that one up years ago)


:evilgrin:

[sus]

10. when you'd ask him to do something, my grandfather used to say

"might as well. can't dance and it's too wet to plow."

[Bertha Venation]

11. from my own family -- a few things my sisters have said to their kids

don't slap your burrito

get the broccoli off your arm

don't step on the lettuce (the kid's response was "yeah, it's coooool")

don't explode your donut

[arbusto_baboso]

12. Slicker than snot on a door knob...

And this one (now usually said about *): If he was dying of thirst, I wouldn't give him the sweat from my balls.

[GOPisEvil]

13. It's rainin' like a cow pissin' on a flat rock out there.

Once again, my father, the card.

[mac56]

14. My dad says that too!

LOL!

[ChickMagic]

50. My dad say that, but if it's raining worse,

then it's a pure-dee frawg strangler.

[Parrcrow]

15. flatter than piss on a plate

how my dad described Saskatewan.

[Wcross]

16. Here's a few

This food is so good it'll make you go home and slap your momma.

Tighter than Dicks hat band.

Busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.

[kmla]

17. "I am off like a prom dress."

To be spoken in dramatic fashion whilst leaving the area...

[landdaddy]

18. That's just

some monkeytime bullshit
:crazy:

[Blue-Jay]

19. "Windier than a sack full of assholes"

That was my grampa's, and I still love to use it.

[Duncan Grant]

26. My granpa said that one, too.

He used it to describe people who loved the sound of their own voice. ;)

[Gildor Inglorion]

20. For describing something that happens quickly:

"Like a dose of salts through a widow woman."
"Happy as a dead pig in the sunshine."
"Shut the door before all the flies get out."
"A whistling woman and a crowing hen will never come to no good end."
"He's so skinny he'd have to stand up twice to cast a shadow."
"I'm to poor to pay attention."

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

22. "Well, fuck me sideways with a stuffed platypus."

By yours truly. Should I be on meds?

[latebloomer]

24. "cut his head off and shit down his neckhole"

One of my huz's more picturesques statements.

[LanternWaste]

25. Well.... Since ya asked.

A few off the top of my head (courtesy of having lived in Texas for almost 37 years until recently...)

"I'd piss on a sparkplug if I thought it'd help...."
My redneck friend used that one religiously

"That dog just don't hunt"
In reference to something that has no relevance to the topic of conversation.

"Helly Damn Nation Betty Done Did It"
Used when it will absolutly not work and there's no way it can be fixed.


Hey, I'm not saying that I used them myself(at least, not often...). But when you grow up in Texas and date a lot of small town girls, you tend to hear bizarre things at the Sonic Drive In's... heheh

[Duncan Grant]

27. Colorful language.

Grandma's favorite insult line: "Ugly as a mud fence".

On politicians: "Crooked as a dog's leg."

Working up a good rant: "Shit! Spit fire and save your matches!"

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

28. Nervous as a whore in church...

with a bastard on each knee.


I'm so hungry I could eat the ass end out of a dead wino.


(Now THAT's hungry)

[Hand]

29. "He's so competitive...

he'd come in first and third in a three-man jackoff contest."

:puke:

[texas1928]

30. To get all of the ones I have heard I would be

Busier than a one-legged man at an ass kicking contest.

That person is as useful as a kick in the crotch.

Sweatin' like a dog in a Korean kitchen.

Well I'll be a dirty name.

Running like scalded cat.

Busy as a cat trying to bury it's poop on a tile floor.

To turn someone down:

No thanks, i have an appointment for a man to poke me in the eye with a sharp stick.

I'd rather sandpaper a bobcats butt in a phone booth.

[greatauntoftriplets]

31. "I'll bring the bakery"....

Common expression in the Chicago suburb where my sister lives.

We always had visions of someone carrying an entire bakery (the building, that is) to someone's home. In reality, it translates to "I will bring the baked goods".

[Bertha Venation]

32. OMG you guys, these are fabulous! More! More!

[dryan]

33. My favorite

"I was busier than a one-legged man in an ass kickin' contest".

[jakefrep]

34. From my great-grandfather...

"People like that make my ass tired" in reference to annoying/overbearing people.

[trof]

35. "Dropped him like overalls at quitin' time."

(results of a physical altercation)

And thanks for reminding me of one of the funniest and most colorful guys I've ever known.
Jim Shepard ("Shep") was a fellow guard pilot for a few years, and just a pleasure to be around.

A few more of his:
We're up one moonless night, somewhere over Tennessee. There's an undercast cloud deck below us and an overcast deck above us. We can see neither stars nor city lights. It is...BLACK.
Shep is on my left wing and our radios are tuned to our squadron common frequency so we can talk.
"Hey trof."
"Yeah, Shep."
"Hey man...it's darker than the inside of a bruised crow up here."
It sure is.

And "well, ya'll don't need to get all bowed up about it."
Don't be angry, bent out of shape.

After being reprimanded for violating some inconsequential reg:
"Sometimes you're the f*cker, and sometimes you're the f*ckee. I guess it was just my turn to be the f*ckee."

During a drill week end we're practicing for an Operational Readiness Inspection by the top brass next month. To distinguish what we're doing from the real thing, everything is prefaced by "practice". Practice crash drills, practice aircraft deployment, practice this, practice that. After lunch, Shep says "If anybody's looking for me I gonna go take a practice nap."

[JCRobinhood]

36. In reference to Vinegar Pie

For those who don't know, Vinegar Pie is the sweetest, riches concoction I've ever tasted... almost entirely made from Karo syrup!

My grandfather thought THAT pie was "as rich as three feet up a bull's ass"

My favorite quote to date!

[bushisanidiot]

37. "That Don't Make No Kinda Sense!"

I think I got it from Oh Brother Where Art Thou..

I say it at least once a day.

[bushisanidiot]

38. "What Do You Want.. Eggs In Your Beer?!"

my dear old grandmother used to say that.. we never knew what the hell it meant.

she'd also accuse us of trying to live the life of Riley.. whoever the hell that was!

[TX-RAT]

39. He does the work of three people

Curly, Moe and Larry.

[TX-RAT]

40. Heard this while watching a city work crew.

Looks like 3 monkeys fucking a football.
Sorry for the language.

[TX-RAT]

41. He's so unlucky

He could reach into a barrel full of pussy, and pull out a pecker.

[TX-RAT]

42. I wonder who he was talking about?

That boy don't know the difference between a cowboy and a boy cow.

Survey says.
Bush at the Houston stock show.

[southpaw]

43. My dad used to say...

"Well I'll be dipped in shit" when displeased with something...

I've always had a fondness for "dumb as a sack of hammers".

My brother used to rag people with the line: "If my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave his ass and teach him to walk backward."


And when asked a question you don't know the answer to, reply with the question: "What do you call a cross between an elephant and a rhino?" (The answer, of course, being "elephino")

[asianjoanne]

44. Whenever I feel defeat, I find myself saying...

"Aww fuck you you fuckin' fuck face."

I'm usually not one who loves to curse, but playing videogames and being defeated really irks me off. lol Sorry for the colorful language.

[southpaw]

45. Welcome to DU, asianjoanne...

and if that is you in the sig pic, may I be permitted to say: :loveya: DAMN!!! :loveya:

[asianjoanne]

46. LoL! Yes, it's me in the sig pic.

It is me in my sig pic. I think this will be the very last time I say that because now I'm getting tired of saying it over and over again. Here's another pic of me through webcam.



See? It is me. Adios and thanks for the welcome.

[Radical Activist]

49. Glad I didn't ask that

on the good morning thread like I was about to. Nice pic

[Ithuilwen]

47. He doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his ass. nt

[Radical Activist]

48. It doesn't take me all day to do a full days work

Lazy people can't use that one

[PopSixSquish]

51. A Few of My Favorites

"He couldn't pour water out of a bucket with the instructions written on the side"

"Ya'll stop by whenever you can, but be particular"

"Why don't you go take a flying fuck at the moon?"

And if you put the phrase "Bless your/his/her heart" in front of another, it makes the insult much nicer

"Bless his heart, he ain't the smartest bear in the forest"

"Bless her heart, she can't help it if she's ugly, but she coulda stayed home"

:hi:

[southpaw]

53. I've heard your first one with some differences:

"You're so stupid you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with the instructions written on the bottom."

[MallRat]

52. * is so stupid, it makes my hair hurt. n/t

[Lautremont]

54. Continuing the scatological angle,

"You can wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which fills up first."

[Philostopher]

55. From my father:

"So buck-toothed he could eat corn through a picket fence."

I never heard Dad actually say it about anybody, but he'd always trot that one out when we started discussions like this one, about colloquialisms.