How do you find dates when you are an introvert with poor social skills?

[ringmastery]

Just curious, what other people have done. I can't be the only introvert with poor social skills here.

[skooooo]

1. Might help to know your age.....

..if you care to share that.

[ringmastery]

2. early 20's

[Q3JR4]

3. Get out and volunteer for something.

[skooooo]

5. Yes, I agree....get involved with a group...

...maybe at a church or club, so you can start feeling more comfortable around people. Chances are you'll meet some friends this way and maybe someone to date.

[camero]

4. My favorite pickup line

Hello

[LiberalVoice]

6. Nudity works for me.

Well I am SUPER shy around women(Also in my early twenties). I am an actor so I like to play a game with myself. I'll pretend like I'm acting out a part.

[Th1onein]

7. I'm the same way........you find an EXTROVERT with good social skills.....

They are attracted to you (opposites attract) and they make up for your inadequacies, and believe it or not, you make up for theirs, too.

The tricking point is waiting for them to come along. They do, though, don't despair.

[cosmicaug]

21. Not really true.

Th1onein wrote:

They are attracted to you (opposites attract) and they make up for your inadequacies, and believe it or not, you make up for theirs, too.

The tricking point is waiting for them to come along. They do, though, don't despair.

This is not really necessarily true. What happens is that whan you have two introverts together it is very likely that social interaction will be minimized. So it's not really that extroverts are particularly compatible with introverts per se but rather that if any introvert runs across another compatible introvert neither one is likely to ever find out that this is the case (and, if either or both somehow knows this, in the worst case, they might not do anything about it anyway).

You should take this with a very large grain of salt (as I am very likely the worst offender here when it comes to under-developed social skills), but I suspect the advice given here by Th1onein couldn't be more wrong. BTW, I'm not at all surprised that Th1onein a female as this might tie in to how females are indoctrinated in society about how these things work.

Passivity is not the answer. Th1onein just got lucky and whatever small usefulness her "wait for a knight ins shining armor to come because they always do" approach might have for some females, it probably will have even less applicability to males (which I don't know ringmastery is since the listed gender in the profile is undeclared).

[Th1onein]

26. Oh bullshit......eom

[cosmicaug]

30. What does the literature say?

Th1onein wrote:

Oh bullshit......

What does the literature say? See for instance http://www.luckfactor.co.uk/newResearch.html (no, I'm not doing this with the intent of spamming for the guy, it's just something of the top of my head --note that one questions he uses would be a measure of the introvertedness-extrovertedness personality axis*). Does it really say that opposites attract or is that just a saying with little or no foundation in fact?

Why do these compatibility tests (such as you might find on dating services or wherever) you see out there seem to operate on the assumption that similar personality profiles imply greater compatiblity? Are they wrong, or are they trying to do what they think the literature suggests?

So yes, the fact that introverts don't talk to each other has nothing to do with whether they are ultimately compatible or not other than in the sense that introverts are less likely to talk to others by deffinition (which is not a small issue --if you have two people who are unlikely to talk to others together there will be little talking going on). The only ways out of this are for introverts to get together with extroverts (even though this might increase somewhat the chances of incompatibility) or for introverts to stop acting like introverts.

However, advising pasivity seems like very awful advice to me with respect to 99.99% of the problems out there and this problem is no different. I have a very big problem with that piece of advice. In fact, I'll go as far as retracting my previous disclaimer on this as it turns out I actually happen to be an expert on the lack of results a male is likely to get by employing passivity (I just hadn't thought of myself in that way).

"Wait and good stuff will happen" isn't going to happen. Th1onein got lucky. Th1onein might not have been as passive as she thinks she was. Whatever you do, do something. Make mistakes. Make lots of mistakes as none of your mistakes is likely to be as big as the mistake of doing nothing at all.

* Naturally the author has the bias of using the qualities which he discusses in the book which is not specifically about romantic compatibility.

[Pithlet]

39. I don't agree

at least not entirely. I don't think that Th1onein was necessarily saying that one doesn't have to put out any effort. And I've observed one Th1onein was saying. It wouldn't seem to make sense, but I've known a lot of couples where one was the gregarious, outgoing type and the other was the social wallflower. I think the two personality types can work very well together. I was very shy growing up, but my best friends were always the very outgoing type, probably because the others who were shy like me would never approach me, due to their shyness. I realize the dynamics of an adult relationship are a bit different. It's actually reversed for me now. I'm the type who can hit a party and mingle with the best of them, and my husband is very much the stand against the wall and observe type.

[cosmicaug]

40. Foot in the door.

Pithlet wrote:

I don't think that Th1onein was necessarily saying that one doesn't have to put out any effort.

Perhaps not but what I've been reading into this is wait for it to happen. That's wrong.

Pithlet wrote:

I think the two personality types can work very well together.

It's basically a foot in the door problem. Regardless of how well two introverts might get along with each other once they get to know each other, they are unlikely to ever "get their foot in the door" and ever get to know each other in the first place. Of course, one could take the position of calling this mutual reticence to engage a facet of incompatibility (which, in practice, it is --no matter how truly compatible they might otherwise be).

Pithlet wrote:

It's actually reversed for me now. I'm the type who can hit a party and mingle with the best of them, and my husband is very much the stand against the wall and observe type.

Did you mature into this before or after the marriage?

[comradebillyboy]

8. i too am introvert with poor social skills

1-talk to women at work, if they are not willing maybe they have friends
2-join the mormon church-they will help you find a wife
3-help the economy, hire a working girl for a short time
4-if all else fails do a google search for 'living doll'-they sell very life-like love dolls.(i don't have one, i saw it on hbo)

[Seth Gecko]

9. why would anyone WANT dates?

too much time and energy for that nonsense.

[ringmastery]

11. well

I don't necessarily want dates or a relationship. What I do want is regular sex and the best way to go about that is by getting dates.

[hedda_foil]

12. Well actually ....

Hon, if you don't want either dates or a relationship, but just regular sex, for God's sake, do the female of the species a favor and pay for it. There are women who do it for a living, you know. The rest of us tend to run like hell from men who only want one thing,if you know what I mean.

Your only other option is to start thinking about women in terms of relationships ... not just sex.

[ringmastery]

14. yeah

and the women who do it for a living most likely have diseases. I want no part of that.

And not all women want relationships, either.

[Senior citizen]

22. Regular sex and no worry about diseases means

having a relationship with someone you trust. Not everyone wants a relationship, primarily because a lot of people can't be trusted and they want more than just regular sex--some people want power and control over others and can be insanely jealous instead of trusting. If you are seriously introverted and lack social skills, just hang out at your local public library and let the librarians there get to know you. Chances are they'll know somebody with equal and opposite needs and fix you up. But consider carefully what you need in a relationship, and be sure you are able to give the other person the same things you want. Remember the old Golden Rule? It is not only the secret key to a good relationship, it is also the secret key to good sex.

[cosmicaug]

34. Regular sex and no worry about diseases means

Senior citizen wrote:

Regular sex and no worry about diseases means having a relationship with someone you trust. Not everyone wants a relationship, primarily because a lot of people can't be trusted and they want more than just regular sex--some people want power and control over others and can be insanely jealous instead of trusting. If you are seriously introverted and lack social skills, just hang out at your local public library and let the librarians there get to know you. Chances are they'll know somebody with equal and opposite needs and fix you up.

I did not know this about librarians. Maybe I too should try this. Better yet he (I?) should go directly for the librarians (assuming they're available) :).

Senior citizen wrote:

But consider carefully what you need in a relationship, and be sure you are able to give the other person the same things you want. Remember the old Golden Rule? It is not only the secret key to a good relationship, it is also the secret key to good sex.

Just because his social skills are lacking doesn't mean he's more likely than the other guy to be a moral degenerate (in fact, I'd be more afraid of the ones with the good social skills as they are the ones who will be good at manipulating others). Of course, as a senior citizen, you probably say that to all the younguns :) . He will make mistakes like almost everybody makes mistakes (the only way he can avoid making mistakes is as I have, by doing nothing --and that is not good).

[BiggJawn]

13. Hey, that's *MY* line!!

:-)

[comradebillyboy]

10. the introverted guy and his outgoing friend

lets call them newton and liebnitz, went to the beach at cancun on spring break. the place was crawling with hot babes. each evening liebnitz came back to the hotel with a willing woman, while poor newton sat in the corner and read a book. how do you do it newton asks. liebnitz says ' i put on really tight bathing trunks and stuff a cucumber in side. the girls go crazy for me. newton trys the cucumber the next day. newton complined to liebnitz that the girls just laughed at him. liebnitz said to newton-' tomorrow, put the cucumber in front'

[samwisefoxburr]

15. Don't worry about chasing after girls/guys...

...I drove my friend and his girlfriend around so in return she hooked me up with a date. Now, I am VERY shy and VERY timid (I have Asperger's Syndrome). Needless to say the blind date was a disaster; first off, I knew she wasn't interested in me. At one point someone called her on her cell phone and she was talking to this person for about 30 minutes (she left the room so at least she wasn't talking to this person in front of me), and second I didn't really try to talk to her (we were on a double date so it's not like I was alone will her the whole time, I'm sure if we were alone for the entire date I would have talked to her more, but like I said she didn't seem interested to being with). But I realized later that I have plenty of time for that later on in life (I'm twenty). So, don't worry about it, like other people said, get involved in projects where you will meet new people (I am), and you are bound to find someone eventually.;-)

[AngryAmish]

16. Social skills are skills, not inate talent.

Meeting women (or men) is a learnable skill. My job requires that I have to seem to like people and be able to make them like me.

Basically, looking people in the eye - dead in the eye and holding their gaze for what seems to be longer than socially comfortable - is the easiest way to signal attraction in the opposite sex. Also, stand up strait. It works. Act like there is a string in the back of your skull pulling your head up.

[cosmicaug]

27. Categorical statements are always wrong.

AngryAmish wrote:

Social skills are skills, not inate talent.

That's a big load of rubbish! O.K., it's actually a small load of rubbish because you are partly correct. It's the old nature vs. nurture thing: a bunch of guys arguing for one side and a bunch arguing for the other when in fact both sets of mechanisms invariably end up providing such a significant contribution that ignoring either turns out to be very foolish indeed.

There will be folk who are better wired to learn these sorts of things and folk who are less well wired for this (with one set extremes being populated by people with autism and Asperger's syndrome and the other by used car salesmen*, psychopaths and politicians).

*But being an Angry Amish you wouldn't know anything about them.

[AngryAmish]

28. I think we agree

I am, by nature, an introvert. However, over time, I have learned social skills despite my nature. To suceed in anything, unless one wants to re-write Remeberance of Things Past, one needs other people.

What I was trying to say was an optimistic note. In my youth I was horribly bashful, but thanks to friends and a real study of the necessary skills, I can meet women. It is not impossible and it is not unlearnable.

[cosmicaug]

36. We agree

AngryAmish wrote:

I think we agree.

Yes, I know we do. I'm just nit-picky about such black and white statements.

[Liberal Classic]

29. RE: Categorical statements are always wrong

There are always exceptions!

[cosmicaug]

37. Recursive liar's paradoxes.

Liberal Classic wrote:

There are always exceptions!

Are there exceptions to there always being exceptions?

[Liberal Classic]

38. Well, there's an exception to every rule

Except this one, of course!

Don't you know anything?

[Eye and Monkey]

17. You look for someone who likes introverts with poor social skills

[Blue-Jay]

18. You need a "wing-man".

Do you have any good friends who are more skilled socially than you? Maybe you two could go someplace "crowded" together where there might be members of the <___insert gender____>.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

19. Put yourself out among people and let them get to know you

as a person. Ask a female friend how you come across to women and be willing to listen to hints. Don't worry about being clever unless it comes naturally.

I can be awkward with someone I'm attracted to, but when the chemistry is right, the conversation just flows.

[ringmastery]

20. one of the things

I need to work on is the ability to carry on conversations with people I've never met before whether if it's when I'm taking a class or at work or at a bar.

Pretty much I go under the assumption that people don't want to be bothered so I shut up and leave them alone cause that's basically what I want done to me most of the time (read I'm an introvert and like a lot of alone time.)

Most people aren't wired like that. They like to talk to people.

Also, oftentimes when people talk to me and try to iniatiate a conversation and I'm in one of my alone time moods, I usually give short responses that don't do much to make conversations longer. Basically, my body language screams, get away from me, I want to be alone.

I got to work on that cause I don't want to be alone ALL of the time, just a lot of the time.

Maybe I should take some acting classes.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

23. Acting classes are excellent for self-awareness!

A good acting teacher will see aspects of you that you didn't know you had.

[Lithos]

24. If you don't know about conversations or talking

Go join a group called "Toastmasters". They will teach you a lot of skills to overcome any hestiation in speaking. Will also help you in any career you wish to follow.

However, the only way you will meet people is to get out and circulate. Join groups that do things you like. Make sure those groups include women and are not just excuses to hang out with other people to be by yourself. Some suggestions include Church singles groups (if you are not that religious, check out the Unitarians - they push spirituality and not dogma), theatre/thespian groups, Habitat for Humanity, etc. Do not pick groups where you don't get to interact (no computer clubs where all you do is sit and listen to speakers).

L-

[cosmicaug]

25. Sounds familiar.

ringmastery wrote:

Pretty much I go under the assumption that people don't want to be bothered so I shut up and leave them alone cause that's basically what I want done to me most of the time (read I'm an introvert and like a lot of alone time.)

That sounds like me. I have the feeling that I'm intruding whenever I might have the impulse or need to interact with someone else which results in me minimizing or avoiding the intended interaction which means I'll eventually run into trouble. Of course, not all of this feeling of potential intrusion is irrational as social interaction is a complex game and not all of us are wired to play it properly and thus, I could sometimes, in effect, truly be intruding (as a result of misreading non-verbal cues and that sort of thing).

[DS1]

33. Open an ear. you are sitting on a political goldmine

just don't surround yourself with Freepers, and you'll be okay.

[Liberal Classic]

31. Well, there's always beer goggles

:beer:

[DS1]

32. Learn to overcome them

It sounds simple and shallow to say so, but women recognize confidence when they see it. Enter a room like you fucking own the place. They'll see that.

Barring that, have a steady supply of cigarettes one woman *and her friends* can bum off you. Start talking. The obligation is now theirs, use it.

[puerco-bellies]

35. Credit Card ;-) n/t

[PVnRT]

41. You don't

Learn to love whiskey, it works for me.