I lost a brother today.

[Angelus]

He had a fight with my parents a couple of weeks ago and they kicked him out of the house. My mom and dad gave him two choices: either apologize or never come back. Well...he said he didn't want to apologize and didn't need any of us.

I emailed him yesterday and told him to call and apologize. That would've been the best thing for him to do. I told him that if he didn't apologize, then I won't live with him this fall because he was acting like a baby. I also said that if I didn't hear from him, then I knew he didn't want nothing to do with me anymore. Well...he never emailed me back.

I guess I know where I stand with him. :cry: :cry: :cry:

[Dookus]

1. sigh...

sorry to hear it. He's not lost - just mad. In time this will work out.

[LastKnight]

2. im sorry. i dont know what i would do without my brother.

im sorry for your loss, and hope everythign works out alright.

-LK

[Angelus]

3. Yeah...he's my identical twin.

I've lived with him every day for the past 22 years. I don't know what I'm going to do without him. :(

[aquart]

10. And you both have the same self-pity gene?

This should be fun.

I'll tell you what you're going to do without him: get an independant life. Find out that you're a whole person all by yourself.

Just like he's trying to do.

[Angelus]

11. Yeah...well...

he's my freaking brother! He shouldn't snub his family like this!

[aquart]

18. "Should" is inapplicable.

Sounds like you ain't ready to fly yet, but his wings work fine.

Now, this thing with your parents and the ultimatums. Sounds like they aren't adjusting well to the kids growing up. It happens. It passes. And if it doesn't, then they won't change and you have to alter your behavior to deal with it. Or he will.

This is family shit, and if none of you has emptied the bank accounts, or slept with each other, there is no excuse for not getting over it.

[Occulus]

15. having gone through what the brother went through

at the hands of my own parents, with my leaving NOT being by my own choice, I have to say that's about the coldest and most discompassionate thing you possibly could have said.

Your parents definitely don't deserve to have him around. YOU do.

Maybe you shouldn't have asked him to apologize, and maybe you can retract that request in time. My hopes are with you.

[WindRavenX]

4. Aw shit man

Dude, I'm gonna be on AIM later...drop me a line.
:hug:
I feel for you.

[Angelus]

6. Ok.

I'll be on. Thanks. :hug:

[aquart]

5. Piffle.

Rule about family: Nobody can hurt you like somebody you love.

Another rule about family: forgiving the unforgivable is normal.

So today he hates all of you. Big deal.

Eventually you can tell him your door is still open.

Or you can do what we do in my family. After a reasonable amount of time, we ignore the whole thing. No apology necessary. Ultimatums are for temper tantrums, not for everyday.

It doesn't matter if he didn't email you. He's still your brother and as long as the email address works, keep in touch.

BTW, my mother wouldn't let this martyrdom thing you've got going last a hot ten minutes.

[Angelus]

8. You see...when they fought before...

it was like that. 10 minutes later, all is forgiven. Now...this is different. I don't know if he'll ever come back into our lives. :(

[aquart]

13. How old is he? What did he pack?

Is he 22? He's a year late.

And what do you mean "our" lives? You can't run interference for your parents.

Sounds like he made a break you both need. BOTH OF YOU.

[Occulus]

19. WHOA, wait a minute.

There ARE things families can do to each otehr that are totally unforgivable. The kind of betrayal this person's brother suffered is one.

He deserves, for his own sake, to never look back *at his parents*. Siblins are a different matter.

For my part, I wish I'd never implied I'd forgiven my mom for what she did, because I haven't I can't. She hasn't made up for it, even in the most trivial of ways. She hasn't even made up for the time she gave me an IOU as a birthday present; she never filled that in (getting the piano tuned).

It's amazing how many of the problems I had with my parents related to my musical talents. I really, honestly believe they both hated the fact I was musical instead of athletic.

This is all a different thread. Sorry; I didn't mean to go off.

[aquart]

21. You think?

My dad's dead. I've forgiven him. Pity it couldn't happen while he was breathing, but, oh well.

I still have the debt he saddled me with. Another broken promise. And a liar. Oh yes.

But I know him now. So much I hardly listened to back when. I tell him he can rest.

[countmyvote4real]

7. Check your pride at the door. Nobody likes ultimatums.

I don't know or need to know the circumstances, but love especially within a family is presumed to be unconditional. It's a two-way street and pride goes both ways. (Sorry, about how cliche that sounds.)

Anyway, does your love for your brother really have an expiration date?

[Angelus]

9. Well...no. No expiration date.

I was just trying to get him to call/respond, you know?

I guess that was a poor way to go.

[LeighAnn]

14. Apologize to him

He'll come around.

Sorry for your troubles.

[LeighAnn]

17. Better yet, send him this thread

It's pretty interesting.

[countmyvote4real]

22. A brilliant idea at first, but it could backfire:

"Rather than discussing our situation with the family, I posted it on the internet with anonymous strangers that don't know you or me or our history. I made you the fall guy and this is what they had to say."

If you must share this discussion with your twin, save it for several years down the road, long after you've reconciled and might have a laugh about it.

[countmyvote4real]

16. Keep reaching out and leave your doors open.

(Damn, I can't stop speaking in the pabulum tense.)

You can work it out if you want to. (There I go again.)

Seriously, your brother is probably hurting much more right now than you and your parents. Nevertheless, I'm sorry and hope that things will eventually work out.

[aquart]

20. Identical twins? SAME temper?

Mother words: How would YOU feel if he did it to YOU?

[Guaranteed]

26. That's right.

You can't say "Do this or I'll never talk to you again" with family. Especially close family.

[Pithlet]

12. Wait awhile

and then email him again when things have cooled down. I doubt you've lost him forever, but I know it's hard going through these family fights. I go through a lot of stuff like this, too, and it's very upsetting. He's probably very angry right now and doesn't want to discuss it, which is probably why he didn't reply.

[peacebuzzard]

23. sounds like your brother needs some time to work on it......

whatever it is that he is going thru. I am sorry he has upset you and your family but it sounds like he is the only one who can deal with what is going on right now. Angelus I would just give him his space. It is hard to do that to your own family, it took me a long time to realize alot of things in my own family, but life becomes more peaceful when you realize you cannot make people behave the way you want them to. It took me a long time to work that one out in my own head. (I had alot of issues in my family and exhusbands and so on). Most of all I hope you take care of yourself, you can get very exhausted worrying about people you have no control over. Hope you get some sleep tonight.

[Kenneth ken]

24. with all due respect

do you even know for certain he read your email? Just because you haven't got a response doesn't mean he read yur email and opted to diss you.

( I haven't read subsequent posts on this thread from you yet. )

your last line is most apt - you are GUESSING where you stand with him.

[tavalon]

25. hmmm

You have a really fucked up family. Most do. You can't change what any of the rest of them do. You can change your own codependency. If there are any CoDA meetings in your area, you might want to consider going. Your whole family appears (through your filter) to be enmeshed and addicted to drama. Do you want this to be your life? You are young, you could change. Heck, even your parents could change, though being older, it will be much harder for them.

I don't know from this little snippet, but it may well be that your brother just made a mental health affirming step. Mayhaps, mayhaps not.

[wolfgirl]

27. Family

arguments can be the worst. At times we have all had those moments we were in complete & total disagreement with a gulf between us that seems insurmountable. BUT...you have to remember what has made you a family. I don't know your personal situation, but take a step back.

The situation between your brother & your Mom & Dad...is this something entirely between them? If so, then you need to become a neutral party. You can agree with one side or the other, but if you aren't a party to the argument...stay out of it. Keep the doors open and become a facilitator in bringing them back together.

As the Mom of twins (very headstrong 18 yr olds)...I know I can't solve the disagreements they have. Only they can work it out. But I do make sure each of them knows I love them both NO MATTER WHAT. I encourage them to talk, keeping in mind they are brothers and one day may have only each other to turn to for aid/comfort.

If they can't agree on something, I tell them to let it go at least until they can be calm/rationale when they try to work it. Of course, there will be some things that will never be resolved. Remember what is important and what matters. I've told both my boys - NO MATTER WHAT, I will ALWAYS love them. Albeit I might not always like them or approve of their actions. I expect respect for my opinions from each, but I also give them the respect for theirs. I've told them I will always be here, but I won't always bail them out.

Don't close the door on your brother. Listen to your heart. You love your parents and you love him. And I would bet it's returned. Unless there is something significant about him you haven't shared, he is just as heartbroken.

I'll keep a prayer for all of you!

[izzie]

28. I did not speak to my sister for 10 years. Silly and we both were sorry.

You find it was just not very important to fight .

[Kahuna]

29. Email him again in a few days. Try to keep individual pride out of it...

As someone who has had numerous spats with my many (however diminishing by way of death) siblings, I can tell you that false pride and hurt feelings are not worth endangering your relationship.

[Rowdyboy]

30. ALL you guys need to stop giving each other ultimatums....This attitude

that "either you do exactly what I want or else I withdraw my love" is WRONG WRONG WRONG! He's an adult. Give him space and time and see what happens...