Manners: Too nit-picky?

[trof]

We're friends with four nearby families, and we're kind of an extended family.
A few weeks ago one couple was having a dinner party.
One of the other friends called. We chatted for a few minutes and then she said "Oh yeah, Bob and Ruthie are having a get-together Friday night and want you to come."
"Sounds great. I'll look forward to hearing from them."
"Oh, Ruthie asked me to invite you."
"Is Ruthie's phone not working?"
"It's not that. I just told her I would be talking to you and she asked me to ask you."
"I don't mean to sound stuffy, but if Ruthie wants us there I think she can invite us herself."
"Oh, now you'll get me in trouble. I'm supposed to invite you."
I told her I didn't think she was "in trouble".

Didn't hear from Ruthie.
About thirty minutes after the party started that Friday, our phone rang. It was Ruthie.
"Are you guys coming?"
"Well gee, Ruthie, we weren't invited."
"I asked Mary to invite you. Didn't she do that?"
"Yes she said you were having a party. When I didn't hear from you I figured your plans had changed. I know that can happen."
"Oh, I'm SO sorry. Guess we had some miscommunication."
"Yeah, that happens. Y'all have a good time. See you soon."

I think I made my point. This woman is normally well mannered and knows the right thing to do in social situations.
Am I being a stuffy old curmudgeon?

[BigMcLargehuge]

1. yes you are

LOL

When I throw dinner and holiday parties I always encourage others to extend the invitation, sometimes I don't have the e-mail addresses, phone number, or time to contact all the people I want, so I enlist the help of my mother in law, friends, etc...

If Mary called and said "Hey, Ruthie is throwing a party and asked me to invite you because she knew I'd be talking to you..." That's the same as getting an invite from Ruthie, don't you think?

[trof]

4. No, I don't think it's the same.

We know Ruthie's number without looking it up as she knows ours.
I think she was being lazy and rude.
This wasn't a huge "Hey everybody, there's a party at Ruthie's."
It was a sit-down dinner party for 5 couples.
If Ruthie wants us there, she can take 2 minutes to pick up the phone and invite us.
I just don't do second hand invitations.

[BigMcLargehuge]

6. standing on formality seems a silly reason to skip a bread breaking

session with friends.

:shrug:

[Lars39]

8. At the very least she was taking you for granted.

You did her the honor of Not taking her poor manners for granted.
What if she really hadn't planned on your presence? It would have been embarrassing for all.

[GOPisEvil]

2. I feel exactly the same way!

If you want me to attend some function, ask me yourself. Don't send someone else to ask me. It makes me feel as though I am not worthy of your time.

So, if you're a stuffy old curmudgeon, I must be a stuffy old curmudgeon in training. ;-)

[Bronco69]

3. How formal was the party?

If it was a formal party then she definately should have invited you herself. If it was just a get together that was thrown together at the last minute I don't see a problem asking someone to ask you to come.

[trof]

5. See #4.

[Burma Jones]

7. Maybe, but don't ruin a perfectly good friendship over it

You should probably just forget about it.

[Kenneth ken]

9. maybe

if so, I'm a stuffy old curmudgeon too.

Something very similar happened to me just last week. I was talking to my sister and she mentioned a friend of hers, who I also know was having a party a week or so from now; and she said it would be fine if I wanted to come.

I opted not to attend.

My feeling is as yours, if the person wanted me to attend, they ought to have invited me. I've never been comfortable being invited somewhere by an invitee, rather than the host(ess.)

Doesn't matter how formal or informal.

Party-crashing! That's what it feels like.

[arwalden]

10. You're Correct, Trof. -- I Feel The Same Way About "Thank-You's"

My sister-in-law has taken on the obligation of thanking me (on behalf of her children) for Christmas and birthday gifts. She OUGHT to be taking on the obligation of making CERTAIN that her kids do the thanking! Even an e-mail would be nice... forget the card or phone call.

-- Allen

Does Ruthie have email? --- Also... do you think Ruthie actually understood that you deserved a direct invitation, or is she actually attributing it to 'miscommunication'? (So that NEXT time she'll triple-check to make sure that her friend invites you on her behalf, eh?)

[jukes]

11. trof

i'm a social outcaste, so my ope carries little weight, but i think ruth wasn't being lazy or rude. since you all are frequent companions, an extended family, ruth just accepted the convenience of having some1 she knew wd be talking to you anyway pass on the 411.

modern life is busy & we all take shortcuts.

if it were a formal occasion like a wedding, you wd have been correct to expect an individual, written invitation.

for an informal get together, i think you'e being a bit selfish & demanding.

my opinion: you owe an apology. but you needn't send flowers w/a note.

[Rowdyboy]

12. I vote for "stuffy old curmudgeon" mostly because I rarely get

dinner invitations anymore and would jump at the chance.

[pagerbear]

13. Not at all

Rumor is never, ever, an adequate means of communication, between friends, family, coworkers, or business associates. Until you hear it from the hostess herself, you don't know that you're being invited. For all you know, your mutual friend might have been making an assumption that wasn't correct. While I would encourage you to smooth any ruffled feelings over this incident, I definitely don't think you were wrong.

FWIW, I had a similar experience in college, when I was never invited to a party by the people giving it, although those people assumed I'd been told to come by mutual friends. It was very painful.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

14. Yeah you're being a stuffy old curmudgeon..and a prideful one too

She asked the other lady to ask you. What you should have then done is called her and stated, "X invited me to your dinner party. Is there anything I can bring?" Especially after the woman said she'd get in trouble.

You just wanted them all to beg you.

If you've ALL been friends for quite a while, then expecting formalities is rather...well....stuffy of you.

;)

[jukes]

15. can't keep track

of the yeas & nays, but i think i was over-ruled. not so surprising since i have no social sense.

jeez, imagine me w/ an advice column!

i think you shd repost as a poll, for clarity.

EDIT: apparently i can't type, either

[trof]

16. Answers to some comments here:

Because I'm too rude and lazy to do individual answers.
;-)
First of all, Ruthie and I are still good friends. We still kiss on the mouth.
Did I mention she apologized?
She's in her late 70s and was raised a very proper Southern Lady who knows a LOT better. And she said so. I'd never lose a friendship over something like this. No, Ruthie don't "do" computers, however...she is one of the most skilled telephonists I've ever seen. I'll put her up against anybody you've got.

Like Ruthie, I was raised by a certain moral code and set of manners. I know that things are a lot less formal today than decades ago. I'm not much on superficial formalities myself, so that's fine with me. I like a relaxed, informal lifestyle, but there are limits.

Posit this scenario: Miz t. and I show up at the appointed hour and the table is set for 10 and now there are 12 of us. This gives me the jimmy-jams. We would be deeply embarrassed.

No, your sister thanking you for gifts you gave her kids is not acceptable behavior. It's nice for her to thank you too, but she should grab the kids by the ear and sit them down at the phone, or the computer, or EVEN A DESK WITH A SHEET OF STATIONERY, and say "Now...you don't move until you've thanked your Uncle Allen." It's what my mom did, and she was right.

Good manners is not a "class" thing, but they sure can show a lot of class. Ruthie's slip was momentary, which I'm willing to chalk up to advanced years.

I am NOT a curmudgeon, so quit saying that!
;-)
Just sign me:
"Miss Manners"