Has anyone read Adult Children of Alcoholics?

[tcfrogs]

by Janet Geringer Woititz.

My wife has been trying to figure out my behavior, since my father was a raging alcoholic until I was 14.

It's an interesting read thus far, discovering some interesting issues never discussed in my childhood. Just curious if anyone here is familiar with it or have read it.

Thanks! - tcfrogs

[supernova]

1. I read it but it's been a while

I read it because of my ex. His dad was an unacknowledged alchoholic. My ex had some real rage issues because of it.

[pagerbear]

2. Ever looked into ACOA or Al-Anon?

12-step groups for family members of alcoholics and addicts. I know lots of folks who have found them helpful.

[tcfrogs]

3. I haven't yet

My dad has been sober for 20 years, but just recently my wife has been trying to figure out my "behavior" and some of my personality traits. As I'm reading, I'm learning more & more. I didn't ever really blame my dad or family for anything, but I'm discovering that my life experience has been very shaped by my dad's alcoholism.

[nini]

4. my brother did and now he won't talk to any of the family

especially my mother who has become the devil in his eyes - she divorced my dad and I don't know what else she could have done to protect us at that point (In other words my mom did what she could). He has been able to blame all of us now for whatever problem he has.

I wonder if that book allows others with issues not related to the alcoholic parent to blame that parent even if the issue isn't really the problem? I'm not saying someone can't have issues from an alcoholic home but some people may have had these problems whether or not they grew up in that environment.

[pagerbear]

5. Alcoholism/addiction is rarely the only issue going on in families

But it contributes to or exacerbates lots of issues, and most folks who grew up in alcoholic homes find they have many things in common.

Your brother's decision was his alone, possibly on someone's advice. I wouldn't blame any program or book for the decision without knowing the full story.

[nini]

8. I'm not blaming the book...

and I know the alchoholism probably did make his real issues worse..

I'm just saying someone that reads that book that has 'other' bigger issues may put too much blame on that - I'd go into all the gory details but I'll save your sanity :-)

thanks

[tcfrogs]

6. It's not all about assigning blame

I'm not trying to sound like a shill for the book. It makes you reflect on why your current behavior/personality is the way it is. More of a recognition thing than a blame thing.

[nini]

7. that's what I assumed of the book

to help you recognize issues you may have and know how they may have come to be.


I know I had issues with certain things but I addressed them early on and forgave my dad for being human and an alcoholic -(he was never abusive to any of us - thankfully). Because of that I was at peace with everything when he died. My brother never forgave him and I think part of his problem now is that dad is no longer around to blame for whatever his issues are so he switched them to the rest of us. It's a long bizarre story so I know it's more than the alcoholic parent thing.

In no way did I mean the book wasn't helpful to most people, quite the contrary I think it should be required reading for all children of alcoholics.

[tcfrogs]

9. I wasn't being critical

hope you didn't take it that way. I also specialize in long complicated family stories.

Thanks for responding!

[nini]

10. I didn't take it that way.. I knew what you meant

I just went into more detail... but thanks.


:-)

[CBHagman]

19. It's not about blaming.

The whole premise of the book is that you must understand how you are relating to other people (including yourself) and begin your own recovery. Basic characteristics of the ACOA include (and I'm just doing this from memory, so I'll surely leave some out):

*They guess at what normal is.
*They judge themselves without mercy.
*They have trouble having fun.
*They are either super responsible or super irresponsible.
*They lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
*They have trouble following a project through from beginning to end.

There are a few more, but you can find them on websites or in the book.

The above characteristics are also found in people with other dysfunctional and/or addictive behavior in their families. A really good book on the basics of recovery, this time written from a Christian perspective (don't try to read it if you have a problem with that) is Love Is a Choice. It pretty much covers most of the bases with regard to dealing with anger, expectations in personal relationships, coming to terms with your own addictions, etc.

[NashVegas]

20. Speaking As Someone Who Also Read the Book

And grew up in a loving, but dysfunctional family .. there's a resentment that kicks in when you realize there are other possibilities for home environments you never got a chance at.

The problem with books like this one and the other "adult children of ..." stuff is they can rip open a lot of wounds, and if the reader isn't prepared to deal with that, it can be hell. I wasn't and eventually wound up having a Xanax Winter (long, long time ago).

I don't think the book 'allows' one to throw their shit onto the non-alcoholic parent, I certainly don't recall it encouraging that.

The issue I have had with my own mother was, as the youngest child (age 4-5) at the time of the divorce, I was absolutely bewildered as to what was going on and couldn't understand the reasons for it. It also happened I had a wonderful relationship with my dad. So my mom, in order to make sure I understood her side of it, went out of her way often to explain to me, as I was growing up, all the ways my dad made her life hell. You might say that trying to reconcile the great guy I knew with her monster has caused no small amount of conflict.

[geniph]

11. I had a strange experience with that book

A friend at work gave it to me, and I said, "Oh, isn't that interesting, but I'm not really a child of an alcoholic" and tried to give it back. She just looked at me, and suggested I go ahead and read it anyway. It hit me like a rock between the eyes at that point that my stepfather had been a terrifying, belligerent, violent drunk for the years I'd lived with him - and my mother had been totally whacked out on prescription meds all that time, so whacked out that she did things like set her nightgown afire making tea, walk into a floor fan and need 20 stitches, things like that. Yet my reflexive response had been denial that there'd been a problem. That denial gets so engrained as a habit that it's difficult to even SEE the elephant in the living room after awhile.

The really unsettling thing for me was reading a particular passage on how ACOAs have often learned to divorce themselves from normal emotional responses (you're told so often that what you see and feel isn't valid - "your stepfather is not a drunk!" "you are not being abused, it's all in your head!" - that you learn to discount what you feel and become very detached. Now, something about that passage struck me as significant enough that I felt the need to read it aloud to my then-boyfriend. While I was reading it, I burst into tears (VERY atypical for me at the time, VERY) and cried and shook almost nonstop for about three days. The really creepy thing about that is the whole time I was having that breakdown, I FELT NOTHING.

Gee, I wonder why a passage about becoming detached from normal emotional response struck me as significant? :eyes:

Anyway, the book is by no means a panacea or a "cure" for anything, but it is often helpful to know that you are responding in a predictable manner to your childhood experiences, and it can help you understand WHY you're reacting as you are, and how to begin to alter your thinking. For me, it was such a relief to discover that I wasn't going psycho - I was working out the problems of my extraordinarily-fucked-up childhood and there was a light at the end of the tunnel. For years, I'd feared that I was crazy and going crazier. I went through some bad times working through that shit - it isn't fun to relive childhood trauma - but sometimes you have to rebreak a leg to set it properly. I'm actually reasonably stable these days, but it took a couple of decades.

I wish you luck and healing in your journey.

[Westegg]

12. Haven't read it. Yet...

...I AM one (ACOA), so I probably should. Growing up as I did has had a major impact on me, though I've only started to realize just how much in recent times...

If you find yourself interested in the book, by all means, read it. Just know that no ONE book will have all the answers you might need.

[King Of Paperboys]

13. That's just not true.

The dictionary has all the answers you need. They're just all jumbled up.

[Westegg]

15. There goes your tip for next week, paperboy.

[King Of Paperboys]

16. Hah!

My incredible powers of logic have reduced you to petty threats!

Look for your paper in the rain gutter. With no coupons.

[Westegg]

17. Oh, like that would be somehow worse than...

...the THREE busted screen doors I've had in the last six months thanks to you, or the fact that you always, with unerring accuracy, either land the fucking paper in a pile of dog shit (And I KNOW that dog is yours) or in the middle of my rose bushes. Man, I've got thorn-scratches all along my right arm from reaching down in there. What do you have against me? I gave you a tip at fucking Christmas. Or is my mother's fruit-cake not good enough for the likes of you? A paperboy with delusions of grandeur. Ain't I the lucky one? Listen, and listen well: I happen to be friends with your district manager. See him every month at the Knights of Columbus meetings. He's gonna hear about you, boy.

You've been warned.

[King Of Paperboys]

18. Christmas was 7 months ago.

I've got two cats and a wicked McDonald's habit to feed. Now fork over the dough, or you get the wrinkly paper from the bottom of the bundle, AND I'll fart in the bag and tie a knot in it. Every morning. Please refer to the McDonald's habit.

[Susang]

14. That book changed my cousin's life

It helped him immensely. Even convinced him to see a therapist. I think if taken as a first step, it is a helpful tool to recognize certain behaviors in yourself and your family. Some end up using it to blame all their present problems on their family and end up more miserable. Its all what you're looking to get out of it, I guess.