I'm haunted by bad memories.

[Droopy]

I'm 31 now and I've done a lot of changing over the last couple of years. But I'm still haunted by memories of my youth. I used to be a real asshole. From my teenage years as a punk to my twenties when I was suffering from a severe, untreated, mental illness I've done and said a lot of bad things. And I've hurt a lot of people. I didn't get away with it all (I've been convicted of a couple of misdemeanors), but I've gotten away with most of it and my criminal record should be longer than it is. But I'm paying now. I simply can't shrug off the bad memories as me being just a kid or insanity. I feel responsible for all those misdeeds no matter what my mental state.

Is there anything I can do to keep from reliving the past? I wouldn't care if it were good memories, but it's always the bad shit that I seem to remember. And I'm not dredgeing this stuff up. It just pops into my mind. I'll be driving down a road and see a church and it'll pop into my head, "Remember that time you vandalized a church?" I'll be watching a movie and somebody will be cussing out somebody and it'll pop into my head, "Remember that time you cussed out a cop?"

I've heard that meditation can help with this sort of thing, but I can't get myself into the lotus position. What do you think? Is there anything I can do or is this my penance?

[physioex]

1. No easy answers...

Consider improving the lives of people who aren't very fortunate. That's how I try an live my life.....

[roguevalley]

2. You are now at the point in your life where making amends will help

you a very great deal. Sit down and write apology letters to the people that you have hurt when you were younger. Be sincere, own
up and tell about your changes. Don't continue to hurt yourself
with unresolved anger and emotion. Let the people who were hurt
know you are sorry and remorseful and wish to make amends. You will
be surprised how this will change them and you. People are ready
to accept genuine regret and admire the guts it takes to do that.
Your heart is eating you so give yourself a break and try this.
Let it out and let it go. It truly will help you.

Then find someone who can help you by talking to them. Even if it
isn't a therapist, just a good shoulder and ear. Write your letters,
honey, and talk your heart out. Not doing something about this is
making it linger. Your conscience and your heart are talking to you.
Listen to them.

Hugs,

RV

[TrogL]

3. There's more to meditation than the lotus position

Have you forgiven yourself yet?

[Droopy]

9. I guess that's the main problem

When those memories pop up there's so much shame and self-loathing that I really don't think about forgiveness. I spend the next several minutes beating myself up and it really gets my blood pressure up. I guess I'm going to have to find some way to make peace with myself.

[burythehatchet]

4. The past cannot be undone or erased

in my humble opinion the more you try to forget the more prominent will be the dragon. Have you considered embracing your past? What I mean is that you might acknowledge what you have done. Then you acknowledge, because it has now been proven to you, that the concept of Karma, (reap what you sow, goes around comes around.......) is quite real and valid.

With that acceptance you might then conduct yourself in a way that you believe will create a positive Karma for your soul. i.e., serve others.

[mongo]

5. Do your best to pay off your karmic debt

If your past is bothering you, all you can do is try to make up for it now. Do all the good you can in the world.

And yeah, the bad memories are part of your penance. But over time, you can make up for it.

[amber dog democrat]

6. counseling...therapy

and having the courage to look at things that are painful...
These things will help. I think that having a conscience is a good thing.
Just don't be too hard on your self. You are a different person now.


These things you remember will ground you going forward - and may be helpful in tempering reactions or influencing the kinds of choices you make going forward.

Its kind of like the analogy of your life as a movie...chosing do act differently from a loving center will have a broad positive impact on the self and life you see later on. Just don't be too hard on yourself.

[Droopy]

11. I've been in counseling before

And I still see a shrink for my meds, but I've never really brought this up in any of my sessions. I should have because this has been dogging me for quite some time. I'll bring it up in my next session.

[mopinko]

24. sound to me

more like some compulsive thoughts that might be helped by an adjustment in your meds. talk to your shrink, guilt is not going to help.

[NightTrain]

7. That makes two of us.

A day doesn't go by when I'm not haunted by some nasty thing I said or did years ago to someone who didn't deserve it--particularly my late mother. I can barely imagine all the anguish my smart-assed cruelty must've caused that poor woman. My mother has been dead for 10 years now, but my eyes still tear up when I think of how badly my words must've hurt her.

A therapist once told me that it was counterproductive to beat myself up year after year for things I said and did when I was younger and didn't know any better. She suggested that I simply acknowledge that I had made some mistakes, forgive myself, and go on with my life. Unfortunately, that's easier said than done! Forgiving others for the pain they caused me has been challenging enough, but forgiving myself for having hurt others is a whole other ballgame.

The only advice I can give you is to keep on keepin' on. I know it ain't much, but it's the best I can do for you based on 38 years of experience as a professional neurotic. :shrug:

[acmavm]

8. You can never change the past. What's done is done as the old saying

goes. But redemption (and I don't necessarily mean religious) is always possible. You can just accept the past as something that you regret but have to accept and build your future on the proposition that you are not a better person and you can and will do every and anything in your power to prove that you are truly a person of worth.

I personally think that you're suffering from depression. But I'm not exactly into medicating it. Medication just numbs the mind temporarily and delays having to deal with the problem. I will qualify that statement that if you start having feelings about hurting yourself, you need to get some counseling pronto. Chemical imbalances can oftentimes lead one into a depressive state. So you have to decide if there are feelings that you can face and deal with on your own, but if you think that there is a possibility that you are becoming noticably depressed and your behavior become erratic, then you should get some medical and psychological help.

I went to counseling one time to try to figure out why I always hooked up with losers, in fact, I married two real hummers. The doctor told me all of the stuff I told you in the first paragraph and then he told me something that I've never forgotten. He said the no one can do anything to you you don't allow them to do, and that included myself. He was right.

[Droopy]

14. Well it is depressing, but

I'm not really in any kind of deep depression. I'm just sad about the things I've done in the past. I'm not sure there's any drug that I can take to keep me from remembering.

I've got a lot of experience with severe depression and I know it when I feel it. I now take a mood stabilizer that helps keep those depressive episodes away. And I have a psychiatrist who is monitering me now, so all that stuff is taken care of.

[Carni]

10. Hey think of it THIS way...

If you are posting here you probably aren't a bushit Republican...

God knows they have you beat hands down (unless you are guilty of mass murder)

Not trying to make light of your guilt... but cut yourself some slack, sometimes you can't get to point B -- without going through point A, if you know what I mean.

Who knows? If you weren't a jerk in your youth maybe you'd be a bigger less obvious more respected (pillar of the community) jerk now and you still wouldn't know the difference between right and wrong.

At least you know the difference now, so you have done something right along the way...that's all I am saying.

[pscot]

12. You have to forgive yourself

That doesn't mean letting yourself off easy, but be generous. You're all you've got. Good luck man.

[Southsideirish]

13. We all beat ourselves up like that - its part of being human. The

Buddhists says you will go crazy looking backward. Learn to meditate (count breaths)- start with 5 minutes per day and work up. You have to learn to control your thoughts or they will control you. Practice! Good luck.

[LanternWaste]

15. This is what I did....

Well, I don't know about the details, but if you crossed particular individuals...

When I was at the same age you were (my gosh! that seems like a long time ago) I was a real jerk to the girls I dated. Not that I ever abused them in any way (God forbid!) but I'm the first to admit that they put up with one very crappy boyfriend who took them for granted, lied to them constantly and simply wasn't very mature.

About ten years ago, I reached a realization about what I had done and who I had been. It took about two years of constantly agonizing over my past actions before I prayed about what I should do.

I spent time and money tracking down each one and attempted to deliver a personal apology to each one. There were a few doors slammed in my a face and even a few looks of self-satisfaction and gloating on their part, but all in all, the majority accepted my apology sincerely and in one case, I was invited to dinner with her and her husband.

At the end of the day, I felt a lot better about myself for having done this. It was humiliating in some instances and for a while, I started feeling even worse about myself. But when all was said and done, I realized that I relieved myself of a burden I had been carrying.

And even though I did this for myself, I think it helped a few of them relive themselves of some anger and bitterness they had been carrying too.

It's just a thought and it may not even be applicable or realistic in your case to verbally tell people you have wronged that you are sorry. I guess it's simply my $0.02

As an aside... the one girl I owe an apology to more than any of the others is still beyond my reach to find, whether through the phone book or using the internet. So I still have this one last piece of unfinished business and cannot consider this ¨"truly" done until I can find and apologize to her.

[Droopy]

20. Well I have made peace with my family

Who I used to treat like dirt. But as for all the other stuff, there is no way I can do it. I wish I could.

I'm glad you found a way to make peace with yourself.

[Nikia]

16. I'll tell you what I told my friend (A bit religious)

Who did a lot of not so nice things when he was a heavy drinking alcoholic. I don't know if you are religious at all. I read some Yom Kippur meditations a couple years ago and it really clicked with me that this is how forgiveness and repentance works.
You are not judged by God (or worldly spirit or whatever power you would believe in) for your sins exactly. You are judged by your character. When you you seek forgiveness and repent, what you need to do and are doing is saying to God (or any other power, the people who you hurt, the World in general), these things that I did in the past do not represent who I am anymore. They do not represent my character. So I ask you, do these things that you did represent who you are now? If they do not, then you should not dwell on them. You cannot change the past and it is not who you are today. I do not personally know you. I know my friend and know that if God (or whatever superior power or force) forgives anyone, He has forgiven my friend. If you really have made big changes, I am confident that you are forgiven too.
Of course people are not always so forgiving. When you have the chance, don't be afraid to make amends. They may or may not accept your apology and your change.
Be confident that you are a forgiven person though unlike those of us who keep on doing the same dumb selfish and undisciplined crap over and over again. Maybe I am just too hard on myself and a hypocrite for telling you this stuff. If it helps you or anyone else though, it is all good. I know it helped my friend a lot.

[johnnie]

17. Just remember

Guilt and worry are two of the most wasted things you can think about. I too have done a lot of bad things in life. They come up now and again, but I just have to remember that it is the past and there is no changing it. It's what you do for now on that matters and to think about the past and dwell in guilt is not doing you or anyone any good.
Whenever I come across a memory of what I did in the past, I just stop and breathe for a second and forgive myself. If you want to make amends, that is fine, but don't be so hard on yourself. We aren't made to be perfect, and we each make mistakes. They could be small or large, but we all have done it.
Meditation doesn't necessarily mean you have to get in to a lotus position. Just sit down once in a while and concentrate on your breathing.

[skooooo]

18. Counselling would help..

...if you have insurance that will pay for it. I highly recommend it.

[Hoping4Change]

19. Commit yourself to creating good memories for people you

know and for strangers by random acts of kindness and volunteering. By creating good memories for others you'll create new and good memories for yourself.

You also have a profound spiritual nature evidenced by your feeling of remorse for pain you have caused. Empathy is only possible for those who have imaginations. It is our capacity as humans to imagine that enables us to empathize with others. So take this gift of imagination and put it to good use.

[TrogL]

21. With me it's obsessive

One time I backed my little Austin Mini into a big truck on Christmas Eve. We had to report the accident to the police and the school administration and it made a guy late for Christmas dinner.

Every time I see an Austin Mini, even the new Mini's I end up thinking about that accident for the rest of the fscking day.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

22. I once heard a sermon in which the priest said,

"You'll never be emotionally healthy until you stop trying to have a better past."

If it's imossible for you to make amends for what you have done in the past, just try to be the best person you can from now on.

[proud patriot]

23. Well I forgive you

:loveya: sometimes forgiving ourselves is the hardest thing to do .