Emotional expressiveness

[SarahB]

This is, perhaps, my follow up piece to last night's "How much of a dork are you?" http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x1381675

I guess sometimes I feel like a dork because I am, once again, a person who is very in touch with myself emotionally and I'm not scared (mostly) to express them and feel them and I think sometimes I get a little self-conscious because of this. For many years, I tried to suppress my emotions, my passions, my very being because it was easier than having to face things I didn't want to face about myself and about relationships in my life (with my husband, my family, etc.) I ate too much to comfort myself and I think now subconsciously to not have to face any temptation that could conceivably come with being a more attractive woman (I was still cute when heavier, but in reality, given our culture, my options were more limited). Sometimes when I was stressed I'd smoke too which wasn't healthy in the least. Thank goodness any other vices were kept to rather a minimum. (I'm not judging others, I just expect a lot out of myself I suppose.) One truth I had to face once I finally lost this weight and stopped smoking was that I was going to fall back into my old patterns of self-destructive behaviors if I didn't change and really become self-aware and evolved enough to truly understand who I was and what I wanted.

Years ago, I was involved with someone who told me, "Sarah, what I love about you most is that I never have to guess what you are thinking or feeling." He also used to say to me, "You're never dull." That's the core of me. That's who I am. That's the self I tried to deny for so long to try to be what I thought everyone expected me to be. I'm not exactly sure what I'm trying to say here other than a reminder to myself not to eat a 1/2 gallon of ice cream or smoke a pack of Camel Lights tonight, but I just feel rather raw at the moment and felt like saying this. Sometimes I've felt pain by saying how I felt or letting my cards out on the table. I know I've hurt my husband by not being able to be the kind of woman he needs anymore, but if I deny what is within me, I am again....lost. I fear a loss of self more than I fear pain and to deny my feelings is a loss of self whether they mean anything to anyone else or not. I don't want to wake up one day and I'm 80 years old, not being who I wanted to be, feeling what I wanted to feel, and living the life that I could be capable of. I will no longer fear what's inside me.

I'm not sure if I make sense to anyone, but probably does to those who have been through various changes and challenges throughout the course of their own lives.

End of transmission. :)

[NightTrain]

1. Sarah, will you please stop reading and transcribing my thoughts?

:hi:

[SarahB]

2. I'm in NightTrains brain....

Bwa ha ha!

That's ok though because there's all kinds of cool musicians to keep me company. :)

Actually, one of my favorite movies, The Shawshank Redemption has a great line in it, "get busy living, or get busy dying". I want to live and sometimes life hurts, but sometimes it's pretty darn wonderful too. I'd hate to miss any more good parts because I built up another wall around myself because of fear.

[NightTrain]

3. That comes from "Shawshank?"

This really cool band from Boston, the Kings of Nuthin, called their first album "Get Busy Living Or Get Busy Dying." It's nice to finally know the origin of that phrase. Thanks, Sarah! :yourock:

[SarahB]

4. Here's the whole thing actually....

"(Morgan Freeman as) Red: Get busy living, or get busy dying. That's goddamn right. For the second time in my life I'm guilty of committing a crime: Parole Violation. 'Course I doubt they'll toss up any road blocks for that, not for an old crook like me. I find I'm so excited I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I imagine it's the excitement only a free man can feel. A free man at the start of a long journey, whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border... I hope to see my friend and shake his hand... I hope the pacific is a blue as it has been in my dreams... I hope... "

The end lines of the movie actually and then you see him at his destination with Andy (Tim Robbins) working on his boat in Mexico on the Pacific.

I don't know. I guess sometimes life royally sucks, but often it is what you make of it. Nice to know I made a little impact with my little rantings here. Sounds like a cool band. :D

[H2O Man]

5. What is interesting

is that most people fear and thus avoid their good potential far more than they fear and avoid their bad potential.

[SarahB]

6. Ever see "Defending Your Life"?

(I'm on a movie roll today.)
It has Albert Brooks and Meryl Streep. Anyway, the whole premise of the after life is that in Heaven we are not judged upon sins in the sense of religious dogma, but in the sense of how we faced our fears in life. There's a trial and people must prove they had the courage to do what was needed throughout various moments and circumstances in their lives, if not they were reborn to attempt to learn the lesson in their next life.
Not sure if I buy the argument on a literal basis (not starting any new cults based on Albert Brooks movies anyway), but it's an interesting concept. Makes you think. I haven't even seen that movie in years, but it suddenly flashed into my head.

[Taverner]

7. "You're never dull."

Very true - I would never describe you as a dull person. Spontaneous, exuberant, (dare I say crazy sometimes?) but never dull. And at the same time very beautiful of course ;)

Never ever deny the part of you that makes you you - its not just a disservice to yourself, it's a disservice to the world around you...

[SarahB]

8. You...

have been such a good friend to me the past couple months. It means a lot to me. :pals: :loveya:

The funny thing is that the "You are never dull" guy broke up with me to go out with this very dull girl. Ironic. He ultimately said I was "too intense" of a person for him. I probably was for him individually, but I was so young, I internalized it too much thinking there was something wrong with my personality as a whole. There wasn't really (just wasn't right for him), but I see now, it was the beginning of some lousy patterns in myself.

[Wapsie B]

9. I can understand your plight all too well.

My greatest fear is to be old and on my deathbed and only then realizing what I should've been and knowing what I should've done. Even if we live to be 100, life's too short to be anywhere other than our right place.

[SarahB]

12. I'm trying to listen to both my head and my gut now

Instead of only my fears.
Not easy, because I feel like if I don't, somehow I will end up having those deathbed moments, probably quicker than I would otherwise too.

[Ellen Forradalom]

10. Sarah,

I too have been going through something like this. My husband, who is a good guy, is very negative and critical and it's really shut me down. Now I'm taking some risks, getting in touch with more supportive people, doing whatever I like. I quit a very oppressive job and I'm going to go to graduate school. I'm going to hop in my car and drive someplace just because I want to. I will go wherever life takes me.

[SarahB]

11. I hear you....

I think I'd say something similar. Being a mom too, you probably know how it is to sometimes just get lost for awhile in everything with being a mom. While I love my children and will always do the best I can, I don't need to give up who I am to be a mom anymore and a little time for myself isn't necessarily a "bad" thing either.
My husband has grown more and more negative over the years, stemming from certain choices he has made and is making that he doesn't quite want to deal with. Plus for years, he didn't trust me when there was no reason to not trust me and I just placated it all even though I felt suffocated and deeply hurt by that. Not to mention, I've been with him since I was 18 (and he was 27 when I was that age). I feel like I never gave myself a chance to be independent at all even though deep down, I always needed it more on some level.