Do you think it would be jumping to conclusions

[saracat]

to conclude that a friend was dumping you if they don't return calls or emails,or instant messages? And you know they are on line and haven't responded to you? Would you be justified in being hurt, particularly if you hadn't had a fight, and sent a message that you had developed a health issue? I need an objective answer because I don't want to be paranoid but I honestly don't know what to make of this.

[NightTrain]

1. I know how you feel.

Not too long ago, I had a similar experience myself. Finally, I just came right out and asked the person if there was a problem, and if so, could we please discuss it. And you know what? It worked!

[saracat]

2. But if you can't contact them how do you ask?

And was the problem easily resolved,/ Was it something you had unknowingly done to offend them?

[NightTrain]

5. You have to be persistent.

Keep after the person. If they give a damn about you, eventually they'll respond.

As for the problem itself, I suspected that I had said something the person found offensive. And I was right. Though it took a little time for her to come around, we talked the situation out and things returned to normal.

Of course, it's entirely possible that your friend simply has been quite busy as of late and hasn't had a chance to get back to you. That can happen, y'know! :hug:

[unblock]

could certainly be, BUT

it depends on (a) the time frame -- how long since the last communication and (b) how introverted/reclusive your friend is.

as to (b), i can attest (or confess) that i often do things like let the answering machine pick up and ignore the message for hours (days even sometimes) and call back when i have more time, more news to report, or whatever. on the other hand, if i got a message that a friend had a 'health issue' i'd probably call back more promptly.

so in a nutshell, it depends on the person.

[saracat]

7. That is exactly why I was wondering

if I was jumping to conclusions.I do that as well.But when the instant messages and the email were ignored,and the person was online ,well,How long does it take to respond to an instant message.Even to say I can't talk now?

[amber dog democrat]

3. you need more info

before knowing what to make of this.
What you just said is perfectly appropriate to send on to the person in question.
It never hurts to ask.

[saracat]

8. I'll try again.

But I really suspect it might indicate something.And if there isn't a response to the other requests, I don't see that there will be to this one.I hope there will be .

[LiberalVoice]

4. Are you absolutly positive they are ignoring you?

Maybe they are asleep or something.

I hope your health issue isn't serious. :hug:

[saracat]

6. Unfortunately, it might be.

I am hoping otherwise.We don't have health insurance because we lost it when my husband lost his job. The Cobra premeiums were not affordable, so we thought we'd pay as we go,but we didn't think one of us could get sick.Well I did but my husband said we just couldn't afford it.Now I'm scared,because if I went to the specialist my Doctor wants me to see, I could be declared uninsurable.I might be already even though there isn't a bonofide diagnosis.There are some incriminating Xrays.We applied for insurance that only searches your records for declared illness.You furnish the records.but still IF they take me,I wouldn't be treatable for a year,prexisting condition and then they could link it and deny coverage.Sooo.I wait.And she was awake and online . I heard the door slam.I also called when she usually is home from work. It is a mystery.

[scottcsmith]

9. Not necessarily

One of my buddies is a network administrator, and for the longest time he wasn't responding to my e-mails. Turns out his exchange server was bouncing the e-mails. What's funny is he thought I was mad at him for some reason. If you feel comfortable calling the friend, you could see if something were wrong; they may be going through something they haven't told you about.

[saracat]

11. Then her answer machine is not taking messages along

with her instant messaging AND email? The problem is I HAVE called and left messages.And she was online when she ignored instant messages.

[lazarus]

10. I had a friend once

who would never call, never return calls, and never come over.

Whenever I stopped by her house (or dorm room when we were in college) or called her, she was excited to hear from me. We'd spend hours talking, etc. At times I thought she was my best friend.

I finally had to give up the relationship because I was doing all the work and never getting anything back. Just one phone call every now and then would have been enough.

I don't know if this is a similar situation, but your situation brought this to mind.

[saracat]

12. I have had friends like that too but

this one seemed a bit more reciprocal.She did return calls and emails.

[Maddy McCall]

13. Don't jump to conclusions...

I have a tendency to hermit from the world when I am going through a tough emotional period. I would rather deal with my problem myself--and although I usually don't mind my friends unloading their stuff on me, which they frequently do (more than I unload on them), I just kind of shut myself off from the outer world for awhile.

It doesn't mean that I have declared and end to the friendship. It just means that I need "me" time--time to deal with myself instead of everyone else's problems.

Please please please don't take this the wrong way, but is your friendship egalitarian? Do you listen to her moans and groans as much as you expect her to listen to yours? The people I am most apt to hermit from are usually the ones who have crisis after crisis when they telephone me, yet they rarely respond to my subtle cues when I need a shoulder.

Again, please don't think I am accusing you of not listening to her or of dumping on her--I am just giving you an example of why I hide out and take breaks from friendships sometimes.

Hugs and best wishes to you, saracat. :hug:

[saracat]

14. Thank you for your imput.

I understand completely the need to sometimes cacoon and do it myself sometimes,That would not hurt me in the least.I have been perhaps more than egalitarian.I have always listened to her concerns, sometimes more than I expressed my own, but I believe it evened out to a balance.And this is my first crisis!

[Maddy McCall]

15. You are like me...

I am always the "good listener." I seldom burden others with my problems. I hope that she becomes available to you--if not, then I think you need to evaluate whether or not her friendship is based on your availability to counsel her on her problems, and not vice versa.

Best wishes to you, in the friendship and in the illness. :hug:

[saracat]

16. Thank you. She has contacted me.

And you are right.