Wednesday Night Dirty Joke D.U.L.L. Thread

[belladonna]

C'mon guys, make me laugh or suffer the consequences :evilgrin:

I'll start with one I heard recently.....

Two men are exploring an area in Deepest, Darkest Africa when they are captured by a group of Natives. All of a sudden they are thrown onto logs on the ground, stripped and tied up to where they can't move. The chief walks up and looks at the first man and says, "You have a choice, Death or Voontah!" All the natives are bouncing around yelling, "VOONTAH, VOONTAH, VOONTAH!"

The guy thinks anything can be better than Death so he chooses Voontah. All of a sudden every native lines up and one by one and they start sodomizing the guy. When the last native has finished, the chief walks up to the second man and says, "You also have a choice, Death or Vootah!" Again all the natives bounce around and yell, "VOONTAH, VOONTAH, VOONTAH!" The second man looks over at his buddy and say, "Damn, anything can be better than that Voontah, I'll take Death!"

The chief suddenly turns to his tribe and says, "He has made his choice. He has chosen Death. So.....It will be DEATH.......BY VOONTAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Magrittes Pipe]

1. It's "unga-bunga," dammit!

Death by unga-bunga! :grr:

[belladonna]

2. Says who?

The joke police? :D

[Dookus]

3. yes...

I just called the Joke Police. They agree it's "unga-bunga". Expect a visit shortly.

[Magrittes Pipe]

4. Well...

...says everyone who has ever told that joke!

Excepting, apparently, you and the person who told it to you. ;)

[belladonna]

5. So tell a better one

Or don'cha have any?

[Magrittes Pipe]

6. No, I am going to bed.

Oh boy, sleep! That's where I'm a viking!

[GAspnes]

20. and me

it's unga-bunga. Live with it.

[realisticphish]

9. Blasphemer!

its BUNGA-bunga


:hippie:

[Teddy_Salad]

7. There's a student in medical school...

I hope I'm telling this one right....don't want a visit from the DU Joke Police. :scared:

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.

"What condition does he have?" the student asks.

"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.

"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"

"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

[sendero]

8. Now THAT is funny :)

Here's one:

A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman (blonde, perhaps?) who is
shopping on Rodeo Drive and says, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."

She looks at him and says, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

[The_Bearded_Liberal]

10. Little Johnny

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

[Nevernose]

12. Litlle Johnny jokes!

(when was the last time someone came up with a new, original dirty joke?)

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

[Teddy_Salad]

15. Hey, that's a good one

Another little Johnny joke...

One christmas Johnny received a bicycle,with so much happiness he went outside to ride it and pulled up on a stop sign next to a cop on a horse.The Cop said"did santa bring that bicycle for you".Johnny replies"why yes he did sir".Cop responds"well next time have Santa bring you reflectors".The cop thens writes him a citation but before leaving Johnny goes up to the cop and say's"did Santa bring that horse for you".The cop just playing around says"why yes he did".Johnny replies"well next time tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse not on top."

[sundog]

11. Hey kids...

checking in & out.. tired as hell, have a catering order tomorrow, need to be up xtra early...

Have fun... will see ya tomorrow :hi:

[belladonna]

13. Damn, I never thought I'd see it

A night when GD is more fun that the Lounge.... scary stuff :scared:

[Radical Activist]

14. this takes balls

Skinner posts a thread about sexism in the lounge and THIS is how you respond bella? LOL

Sadly, I can't think of any dirty jokes that I can type here, so I just wanted to say thanks for starting this thread.

[belladonna]

16. Yeah, I'm a bad girl

Spank me.... yawn :boring:

[texas1928]

17. Fruit

Brandon, Troy, and David who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.

All three men went their separate ways to gather the fruit. Brandon came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples". The king explained the trial to him, "You have to shove the fruit up your butt without any expression on your face, or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in...but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

Troy arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

Brandon and Troy met in heaven. Brandon asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it!" Troy replied, "I couldn't help it, I looked up and saw David coming back with pineapples."

[Teddy_Salad]

18. OUCH!!!!

I think that would hurt! :silly:

[belladonna]

19. One more before I go to bed

Maybe I'll find something more interesting to do there, who knows? :evilgrin:

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself".

One the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He's so horny and keen to try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board.

After a few minutes, they find themselves in the '69' position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to ejaculate. Following doctor’s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"