Out of sorts and for women only? - Democratic Underground

teach1st

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Thu Jul-15-04 12:25 PM
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Out of sorts and for women only?

Yes, the summer season has brought some small tragedy my way. No I don't have sunburn or a snakebite, and there's been no traveling snafus or whining kids bored out of their minds. This is a more personal tragedy: a delicious lack of exercise this summer vacation, along with actually having time to cook the non-healthy foods I love have combined to render me, well, irregular, as they say on the television. I will go back to eating that damned fiber food, and I will begin exercising again tomorrow, honest, or the next day, maybe, but until then I was thinking it would be best to ingest something more artificially stimulating and immediate, something from a drugstore, to get the processes flowing. The problem is I hate shopping. I'd rather take an enema than go into a drugstore in the middle of the afternoon.

Up until this week I was happily unacquainted with this particular health issue and so my bachelor's medicine cabinet is rather ill-equipped. While searching for relief, I didn't find an enema bag, thank God. I did find that I'm very prepared for the usual male over-indulgence. I found some tums and pepto bismal and aspirin, along with a sadly idle condom and a surprising diaphragm (where the heck did that come from?), but nothing to help me with my current problem except for some Correctol. Correctol? It's a laxative! That's what I need. My problem is solved! Or is it?

On the rather sixties looking Correctol package is this unexpected message: FOR MATURE WOMEN. So here I am, out of sorts, as they say on television and the only medicine I happen to have which can put me back in sorts warns that it is for mature women. I should point out that except for two or three extremely drunken parties, I'm not a woman, and although I'm old, I'm seldom mature. Two strikes against me. Suddenly, putting myself back in sorts looks very doubtful.

Now, I can understand that certain brands of vitamin pills are made for women only. Women need iron and calcium and whatever it is that makes them cry at silly movies in different amounts than men. And, of course, there' s Midol, which is as mysterious to men as the lingerie area in department stores - it's something we don't even talk about. I don't know why there are deodorants made expressly for a woman, but it does seem somehow right and natural and I accept it.

But a laxative for women? I don't get it. Do females have extra or more refined goodies down there in the digestive tract? Do these goodies somehow grow in their needs as a woman matures, so that a special laxative is required? I haven't heard of any laxatives especially for men; I've seen no commercials featuring bikini-clad women touting the manliness of certain evacuant brands. I demand equal treatment!

Anyway, if I do take this Correctol, what will happen to me? Will I feel a sudden and inexplicable need to freshen up the bathroom with some sort of cinnamon smelling potpourri in an elaborate glass container? Will I actually pick up and wash the bath towels? Will I be strangely compelled to put the toilet seat down?

Thanks for any help.