Divorced DU'ers: When did you *know* the marriage was over?

[Taverner]

Does a light go off and suddenly it's not emotionally a marriage anymore? Or are you never really sure, the same way that you are never 100% sure that the person you marry is *the one*

(I'm sorry, you all can give me all the BS in the world about someone feeling like the one, but you will NEVER know for sure because you can NEVER EVER truly know somebody.)

[Bunny]

1. The light goes off, and you know instantly that it's over.

n/t

[radwriter0555]

17. Well you KNOW it's over, but it can take years, even DECADES to admit it..

that's the problem.

We all know what's going on, it's all about owning it and resolving it.

[physioex]

2. I agree with you last statement...

There is never a person that you can know completely, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. In the end nothing in life is ever guranteed....

[Demeter]

3. You Feel Afraid, VERY Afraid

That this person has been taken over by aliens, has designs on everything you hold dear, and would sell you and the children into slavery if anyone made a reasonable offer and he was certain he could get away with it.

[stevedeshazer]

4. When I caught my wife in our bed with another guy

Doesn't get much more sure than that.

[fudge stripe cookays]

8. Ouch!

So sorry Stevie. Women like that give ALL women a bad name. I'm really REALLY sorry.

How awful.
You doin okay?
FSC

[stevedeshazer]

15. It was 23 years ago

So I'm doin' okay, and am happily married to someone I would trust with my life. Thanks for asking.

Even though it was that long ago, it's something that you never get over. We had a one-year old daughter, that's what hurt the most.

Seventeen years of child support, shared holidays, and weekend visitations later, she turned out just fine, but it took a lot of work.

Now she is a wonderful 24-year old woman with her head screwed on right. It doesn't get much better than that. :)

Hope she picks out a good nursing home for me when the time comes.

[fudge stripe cookays]

26. Glad to hear that

you are doing okay, and that your daughter turned out to be a lovely young lady.

I know it's a brutal thing. I've been treated pretty shabbily, but never that bad. I feel for anyone who has that happen to them.

Glad you found someone stellar to be with instead!
FSC

[Skittles]

25. that does suck

I cannot even begin to imagine the extreme lack of respect it takes to allow that to happen.

[mhr]

5. After The Very First Year And The Sex Stopped

Pretty sure she had an affair.

[lapfog_1]

6. Hmmm...

I knew the night she didn't get home until 3am after "volleyball
practice"... and told me that she and the team were out drinking
coffee until the wee hours... she was never a good liar.

Two weeks later she told me that she didn't love me and that she
wanted a divorce... one week later she moved in with the volleyball
coach.

After 9 years together, 7 of them married.

So you never really know. It's there until its not.

[griffi94]

7. i knew it was over

when i no longer wanted to go home from work......
and when i started an affair with my attorney

[stellanoir]

9. I woke up in the middle of the night with the word

"divorce' rattling in my cranium. I felt exhilarated but foolishly, fell into the trap of "not wanting to hurt the feelings" of the other person.

Upon retrospect, I would have done far better to have acted on that impulse upon having it. Through its denial, my son and myself had to go through much more extraneous difficulty than we would have had to had I not had such misguidedly protective impulses for my now former spouse.

In other words, you just know. Trust that, or suffer the consequences.

[Amaya]

10. After he cheated more then once.

I was done.

[No2W2004]

11. When people told me in my support group

That I was putting my kids in danger by staying. I knew I was heading for a divorce, but hearing that really made the "light bulb" go off for me.

[Nlighten1]

12. You just know.

One day you wake up with the realization that it is over. You go and hire a lawyer and get it started. Everyone will have a different reason but they all "know" when it struck them.

[Mizmoon]

13. I knew but felt so bad about it and so guilty

that I tried to make it work anyway. This led to my building up major resentment until the whole thing was a confligration.

[LWolf]

14. 1st time:

When he came home from a "tryst" that he'd taken our 10 year old son along on, and made him stay outside in the yard to finish his "outing." I removed the door keys from his keyring and threw his car keys into the field next door. In the dark. When he finally found them and came back to give me a piece of his mind, or whatever, he was locked out for good.

2nd time: 2 years after I moved out. When your spouse has been your best friend for 12 years, and a close friend all of your life, you don't "get" that it's really over for a really long time. You still keep turning around to tell them something, and they are not there. You still keep looking for the partner that's been by your side for so long. You still keep trying to figure out where that person went. Even when you know the marriage is old history, you still keep looking for your best friend.

[RetroLounge]

16. When she caught me with my girlfriend

of course, we both knew it was over, but neither of us had the balls to do anything about it. (This was 15 years ago..)

So I went and "got caught". Was not too careful, nor discreet.

It was chickenshit on my part, but I was in no state of mind to think straight in those days, and making any kind of conscious decision was out of the question.

After the divorce, found out she had an affair also...

RL

[Nevernose]

18. There is a light. You'll also know if that person's "the one."

"If you can't be / with the one you love / love the one your with." I've known too many people who got married and then wondered whether or not they made the right decision; it's a guaranteed recipe for unhappiness.

Also, there is a divorce light. When you'd rather be alone forever than spend one more minute with that person, you'll know.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

20. All of your experiences are so sad to me. :(

[Nevernose]

28. These are far from all of my expereinces

And I'm still a pro-marriage kind of person. Actually, "hopeless romantic" might be a better term. :)

I'm just a firm believer that life has it's ups and downs -- neither of which should affect how you feel. Thanks, anyway, for the sympathy. :hi:

[Ellen Forradalom]

19. I don't know if it is, really

but the sex has pretty much evaporated, I wouldn't really be upset if he had an affair, and I find myself checking out middle-aged guys.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

22. I can't remember the last time my hubby and I had sex (do married people

still do it? LOL!), but we both are like one and the same person, you know? We're very cuddly, can finish each other's sentences, etc. We've been together 14 years, married 6. Sex isn't something to take for granted, though. That's probably something we do (get lazy).

[Pepperbelly]

21. I stayed married 8 years longer than I should have for a total of ...

13 years.

Kiddos.

We tried to make it work but by the time it was over, we hated each other. No light going off so much as it being so miserable that there was no other choice.

[mike_c]

30. yep, that's pretty much the way it's working out for me....

Slow, steady emotional attrition. Of course, her being absolutely insane hasn't helped.

[OffWithTheirHeads]

23. She got into EST

After 16 years I couldn't take the "new religion" crap anymore. Intellectually, I am an athiest but I will not impose my feelings on anyone else. You have to figure out who God is by yourself. Arnold Earhardt is not god. You don't really need a brain to figure this out but I require a brain to be in a relationship with me. Sorry, I had to leave.

[Taverner]

24. Ooooh EST and Lifespring

My parents made me go through that as a kid - perhaps it's why I'm so fucked up today :-D

[UTUSN]

27. I *Hate* When That Happens n/t

[CO Liberal]

29. I Knew Marriage #1 Was Over When She Tried to Kill Me

I knew Marriage #2 was over when she moved to another state.

I know Marraige #3 is for keeps because the lovely Mrs. CO Liberal is my best friend.

:loveya:

[flamingyouth]

31. Looking back, it had been over for a long time

I think our relationship defined "dysfunctional." Of course, as we all know, ours did not end in divorce, but we were headed that way. I think I realized it was getting really bad when I dreaded him coming home from work or band practice.

We did have some good times, like cooking together, and taking care of our cats. But it's so hard to live with an addict with violent and suicidal tendencies, I can't even describe it.

[BiggJawn]

32. When she started treating me like a field hand instead of a partner...

"Now you just stay there in the corner and keep those burgers coming till everyone's done, and PLEASE don't talk to anyone about that boring shit you're interested in. It embarrasses mom and me..."

Then she discovered the Internet, and would come to bed at like 4:30, shaking me awake to finish what some guy/chick had started in some chat room...

But I hung in there because she had mind-fucked me into believeing that I was a fat doofus of a failure, and if I left her, I'd spend the rest of my life alone because I was such a geek and she felt sorry for me, and that's why she put up with me...

That was almost 10 years ago...I'm still angry.

[CO Liberal]

33. Let It Go, Man....

My first ex-wife (the one who tried to kill me with a kitchen knife while our son - then a toddler - watched) was so consumed with anger, it took over her whole personality, to the point that in 1998, she died of heart and kidney failure at age 46.....

[BiggJawn]

34. I should be so lucky.

She's so dumb and happy and oblivious to the evil she's caused in her life. Blissfully tripping through life, leaving wreckage in her wake.

I'd LOVE to read her obituary!

[Unperson 309]

35. When My 1st Spouse Said That If I Died, They'd Say It Was Accidental.

.... *gulp!*

309

[put out]

36. And I have told my loved ones

if I die, don't look farther than my loved ones. No one else benefits from my death; if the circumstances seem odd, pursue it.

Sad thoughts, really, a partnership breaking.