How do dysfunctional people manage to get married/have relationships?

[unhappy_guy]

Just curious, I'm an absolute mess and have been for some time. and i'm just wondering how exactly those of us that are so encumbered are supposed to go about attempting a relationship when it's all we can do just to get through the day without crying about whatever happens to be a trigger at the time. I see these couples that are always fighting and being generally unhappy with each other and don't really want that, but i need some type of companionship other than the friends i have. Is there a "i'm really fucked up" singles connection or something? I know it sounds silly, but it really is a serious problem with me and at least a few other people i know, and was just curious if anyone else here has overcome this problem. obviously therapy helps, but i'm at best a basket case and therapy takes a very long time to effect any real change in outlook etc.. depression is a way of life for me and frankly i'm tired of it dictating a lack of companionship. i know there's very little i can do to keep it at bay other than what i'm already doing, and it's just totally wearing me down.


i'm a long time poster who wishes to remain anonymous.

thanks for listening, and i hope someone has something useful to contribute. this is a caring and helpful group of people and i don't usually bother other people with this sort of thing.

[wyldwolf]

1. they usually meet someone who has a need to "take care" of someone...

...someone who has a nurturing nature.

I might be flamed for this but I've known many women who are attracted to "dysfunctional" guys for some need to improve them.

[liberalhistorian]

11. No flames here, this gal will

certainly agree with you on that one, and I've seen more than enough of it firsthand to know how true that really is. And what's frustrating is that they don't listen to you, either, when you try to point that out, even if it's a close girlfriend, they'll just say you're jealous of them or some similar shit.

OTOH, there are many men who seem to gravitate toward nasty, rude bitches who do nothing but nag and bitch, while ignoring the good women who have genuine kindness and integrity. Then when they get fucked over by the bitches, as they inevitably will, or when they finally come to their senses, they'll moan and groan about how there aren't any "nice" women around while still completing ignoring said nice women who are right in front of them. Seen that firsthand also more than enough times.

[unhappy_guy]

13. thus the problem..

not looking for a co-dependency type relationship. i don't meet many women anyway.

[FreakinDJ]

2. They turn Republican

Nuff said

BTW: click my sig line

[VoteDemocratic2004]

3. Ask any republican couple

The women generaly walks 10 feet in the back of her man saying yes sir to him.

[screwfacecapone]

21. re

but the marriage won't last long.

[gollygee]

4. I did it but I don't know how

I'm pretty dysfunctional - from a dysfunctional home - and I was in a number of terribly dysfunctional relationships before meeting my husband. I had an epiphany at one point were I recognized that I was only attracted to alcoholic "bad boys" who had a violent streak and issues with their mothers. When I recognized that, I stopped dating them and counsciously looked for guys who weren't like that. And I found them - they were there all along but I had previously thought of them as "just friends."

So the only advice I have is to maybe look at the partners you've had and see if they have any negative traits in common, and then try to steer away from that - maybe open your mind about what is attractive.

You could also see if you can find a support group - I've heard good things about Adult Children of Alcoholics but I'm not into twelve step groups so I haven't done that. But I know people who have been greatly helped by them. Even if you aren't an adult child of an alcoholic they can help and accept people dealing with any kind of dysfunction. There are online groups if you can't find one near you - check yahoogroups.

I hope that is helpful . . . Good luck to you!

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

7. I did ACOA in college

and it was the beginning of my journey to sanity. It saved my life.

Well that and about $30,000 worth of therapy. I never did meds, they weren't as big back then as they are now.

[Spinzonner]

5. The notion that

there are really Functional People is a misapprehension at best and a fraud at worst.

There are merely degrees of Disfunction.

So stop trying to achieve some sort of idealized state of Functional Nirvana that doesnt exist in this realm.

Find someone who is able to put you and your concerns in perspective for you and for themselves and neither trivialize them or or become too involved.

And get some treatment for the depression. Its not necessarily functional and treated by 'therapy' or a change in attitude. It's often organic or subject to drugs which mitigate the effects and give you the illusion of being 'Functional'.

Which is all anyone really has.

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

6. I used to be highly dysfunctional as a result

of being raised by an alcoholic and a mentally ill person, both of whom were violent and neglectful.

Got years of therapy. One guy I met in a group session said, "I swear put two dysfunctional people in a bar filled with emotionally healthy, balanced people and the two dysfunctional people will FIND each other in ten minutes flat."

I believed him, I'd seen it/experienced it myself.

Is counseling out of the question?

And in answer to your question, sure you can find someone! Just don't expect them to be functional and emotionally healthy if you aren't. Like attracts like. I can SMELL dysfunction in a person a mile off and I give them a wide berth. I feel for them, I do, but I spent too long in their company and BEING one.

[zanana]

8. Alot of people are an "absolute mess".

I count myself as one of them. I was hospitalized with depression at the age of 14; I've had many episodes in my life. You don't have to be alone because you have a hard time of it, and you don't have to go to a "special" place to meet someone. You have as much of a right to happiness as anyone else, and the fact that you think it's impossible might be keeping you from making a real effort. People (both men and women) will go to great lengths to have a relationship; my husband and I have been married for 25 years and neither one of us is a picture of mental health. You just have to realize that, while your mate is being patient and understanding about your problems, you must be patient and understanding with theirs. Everybody has them. Really.

[Droopy]

9. I hope you are getting some kind of treatment for your depression

It's a horrible illness, but you don't have to suffer from it with the advancements in psychiatric drugs. I know the benefits that can be reaped through the use of psychiatric drugs because I take two of them and they have saved my life. If it really is a way of life for you to be depressed, then you need to see a psychiatrist. These drugs won't make you perfect, but they will make you feel better about yourself and thus more attractive to a potential mate.

[NMDemDist2]

10. join a 12 step program for your "issue" you'll meet

someone just like you and click

12 step programs are an overlooked social scene

[unhappy_guy]

12. is there something other than ACOA?

i don't, and will never believe in god, and the fact that they mention it so profusely in their literature bothers me enough that i would have a problem with it.


I don't want to give the impression that i expect to be "happy" or functional in some unattainable way. It would be nice to be able to watch a movie without crying.. any movie. I don't think that's too much to ask.

i won't take any more pharmeceuticals, and am currently using some homeopathic remedies with mixed results, certainly no more mixed than the "drugs" that i have taken in the past.

[Droopy]

14. Well if you won't give drugs a try

the only other alternative I know of that can work (I'm just saying from personal experience) is therapy. Group therapy in particular worked for me.

Listen, finding somebody isn't necessarily going to solve your problem. You may wind up being even more miserable than you already are if you hook up with another person who has problems, too. Nobody's perfect but I don't think you should be seeking out somebody who is screwed up too just because you are.

[unhappy_guy]

15. i'm not..

and i've tried many drugs in the past, with results ranging from "i feel much worse" to "i feel better, maybe, but i also feel like puking all the time."

I'm not looking for someone just as screwed up as me, and i don't expect it to solve or relieve some of my problems. Honestly i really don't know what i expect, i just know that i'm not about to be miraculously cured and being alone in a romantic sense is bothering me alot. I have realistic expectations i guess. just posting this has made me evaluate what i'm looking for or what i'm attempting to say. i'm not looking for another basket case. really i was just trying to find out how people that have serious depression or mental ailments manage to find/make work such a complicated thing as relationships.


hell, i don't really know what to expect, other than i don't want more of the same.

[Droopy]

17. ok, man

Well I can't help you on the relationship angle. I'm a natural loner myself. I don't want to be in a relationship. But this does bring to mind an idea that I had a while ago. A dating service that caters to the mentally ill. No more worries that your mate will dump you once he/she finds out that you are mentally ill. That information will be up front.

A lot of mentally ill people are rather ordinary. I have schizoaffective disorder (a mixture of schizophrenia and manic-depression), but I have a good job, I just bought a house, and most people I run across seem to find me tolerable. I've just been lucky to find something that works for me. I hope you find something that works for you.

[unhappy_guy]

19. amazing isn't it?

how we can manage to turn things off enough to get through the day. I know the vast majority of people who know me have no idea what a mess i am, and i guess it's just a testament to learning to cope with it.

maybe you're right, a dysfunctional singles dating service!!

[Droopy]

20. That's true

It's not socially acceptable to talk to people about your problems outside of anonymous situations and your closest family. This is why being single is so hard on people who are suffering. They have nobody to spill their heart out to. I kept all my pain bottled up inside me and even when a close family member thought something was wrong I denied it. The bottom finally fell out for me and I wound up suicidal and in the psychiatric ward of a hospital. That was actually where I needed to be a long time ago, but I managed somehow to get through the days until my total breakdown. I suffered for ten years with this illness with no treatment at all. That's a whole decade of my life that's a total waste. But I'm happy to be alive now. My only regret is that I didn't get help sooner.

[unhappy_guy]

23. good for you..

occasionally i get a little boost from hearing about people that have recovered or whatever.. makes me feel like there is some light at the end of the tunnel. i've made much progress with some things, but others have lagged horribly.. at least i'm aware of it.

[gollygee]

18. I hear you about the God/ACOA thing

and that's why I didn't go that route.

However, just to speak in their defense, they supposedly say you can find your own interpretation of "Higher Power" and some people interpret that in an athiestic kind of way - like it is a spiritual strength or power within them, or their best self, etc. They certainly would not turn you away due to your disbelief in god, nor do I believe they would make you feel like an outsider.

Again, it bothered me as well - and enough that I didn't join the group - but it does help a lot of people and if I hadn't found a happy relationship without using that group I might have tried it.

Again, I wish you the best of luck no matter how you deal with it.

[NMDemDist2]

25. re the HP-- I am in recovery 12 years now clean and sober

haven't joined a church, haven't read the bible

HP is what YOU make it to be

my first HP was a 6 foot tall invisible rabbit i called BOB (big omnipotent being)

I'm a little more spiritually advanced now, but it worked for me

[toddzilla]

27. rabbit called bob?

have you seen the movie donnie darko?

[NMDemDist2]

28. no he's based on Harvey actually if I remember my cloudy

thinking from those days :)

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

22. it's actually referred to as a "Higher Power" or HP

and they even address agnostics in the big book. They encourage you to "act as if". 12 step programs have nothing to do with religion, but they are spiritual. Two very different things, in my opinion.

Best of luck to ya! I wasn't particularly thrilled about the Higher Power references either when I went into therapy many years ago, but the 12 step groups work if you work 'em.

[unhappy_guy]

24. i know that's how they refer to it..

i've read a few "self help" books that talk about that angle. i guess i just find it hard because i'm so anti-religion and when anyone starts talking about god or whatever they deem to be a "higher power" all that i hear in my head is blah blah blah blah..

[NMDemDist2]

29. see my post #25 eom

[NMDemDist2]

26. there are 12 step programs for depression too

call your local mental health office or look up EA

http://www.emotionsanonymous.org/

[iconoclastic cat]

16. Well, Mrs. Cat and I sort of cancel out each other's insanity.

But sometimes, we still both go nuts. We went through a real Sid/Nancy phase for a while, and I was worried that we wouldn't get along without the crazy, rock n' roll life, but somehow it all just mellowed. We don't know why we work; we just do. It's strange. I never believed in fate, but I don't know how she and I happened to meet. The odds must've be astronomical.

[havocmom]

30. Can work as long as their neurotic tendancies are compatible

but it can go bad in a hurry if they get outta sync.

[BiggJawn]

31. They find a big-hearted, kind guy like me...

totally destroy them and leave them in their wake, busted-up, bitter, and angry...
Then you move from disaster to disaster because now YOU'RE fucked-up.

Sorry, but all you're gonna find is co-dependents who need to "fix" you, or people worse-off than yourself.I don't know if you're in therapy or not, but realizing that you're not as happy as you want to be is a big first step to mental health. Puts you far ahead of those who need help but think there's not a THING wrong with them (like both my ex-wives)

Good luck...