aarrgghh!!!!-- my wife has been kicked out of the apartment...

[mike_c]

...she's staying in and wants to move back in with me. Bloody hell. Says she'll do AA, stay sober, etc. She has few choices left-- she'll be moving from couch-to-couch (or worse) if she doesn't move back in here. Hopefully it's only for a few weeks. She's planning on going back east after she's finished some court-ordered stuff here. I want the best for her but I'm terrified of having to deal with her craziness again. This is not good. Not good at all. I'll be letting her violate a court order if she moves back in, but I don't know what else to do. Refusing will only make things worse for her. Damn and double damn!

Sorry about the personal rant but I'm freaking out.

[NMDemDist2]

1. don't do it mike, make her responsible

find her a bed in a recovery house, but don't let her into your home, or violate the court order

edit to add, i'm a recovered alky and she'll never be able to keep her promise. If you tell her you have a recovery house bed for her, she can prove if she really meant to stay sober

and get your @ss to Alanon pronto, you need it if you are even considering letting her come back

[brainshrub]

5. Put her up in a hotel for a few nights then find a recovery house.

I suggest Microtel hotels. Cheap, but clean. Plus, you can usually find coupons for them at your local Denny's.

[mike_c]

6. there's no time-- she has to leave the apt tomorrow....

I'm going to see what I can drum up tomorrow AM but I agreed to pick her up at 10:30 AM. It's been a hellish week already-- she's threatened suicide, been taken to the county mental health/detox center, etc. I have an answering machine filled with threats and accusations. And now she needs a place to stay!

[NMDemDist2]

9. hotel or shelter if she has been detoxed twice why

not get her a bed at a recovery house

DO NOT LET HER INTO YOUR HOME!
edit to add:

www.al-anon.org

[mermaid]

12. shit, She Is Playing You Like A Violin, Dude!!

don't let her!!

That suicide bullshit is exactly the sort of shit an addict uses to hook the clamps on her next enabler.

You wanna do her a real favor? Let her hit rock bottom.

[mike_c]

17. I've been going to Alanon meetings for the last 6 weeks or so....

And I know leting her move back in is not the right way to deal with this, but that is WAY easier said than done.

[NMDemDist2]

19. call someone on the list from the meeting and do it NOW

call them NOW

edit to add :

lots of alanon's have good contacts in the recovery community and can help you find an emergency bed for tomorrow

[mike_c]

28. thanks-- I hadn't thought of that....

Looking for the list. Thanks!

[NMDemDist2]

30. and keep calling til you find someone to help you and don't let

her in your house NO MATTER WHAT LAME EXCUSE she gives you or what lame justification you give yourself

DON'T DO IT--- one minute, one hour, one day at a time keep her out of your house

NO MATTER WHAT!

[jukes]

34. CALL YOUR SPONSOR!

i mean it, this can cost you everything, including your life, or worse, your sanity.

[powergirl]

2. Don't do it - it will be big trouble later on

Trust me on this one - I'm a divorce lawyer (in Texas). It will be held against you if you let her back into your place. The court will never believe you when you complain of her disturbing behavior. The cops won't take you seriously if you need help. You will have to spend more money on legal fees. And SHE WILL NEVER LEAVE!!!! I've seen it happen. You may be forced to leave your house, etc. Anyway, I hope it works out. But your estranged wife probably has a pattern of this type of behavior and she probably passively-aggressively managed to get herself booted out of the apartment b/c she really just wants to move back in with you. You are WAYYYY too nice. I wish you the best.

[mike_c]

8. oh jesus I was afraid of that....

Shit!

[gristy]

3. I agree with AZDemDist6

Letting her move back in, even temporarily, would be the easy thing to do. But maybe not the best or right thing to do.

[ikojo]

4. As difficult as it will be....you cannot rescue her.

She NEEDS to hit her bottom so that she discovers the only answer is recovery.

[Beearewhyain]

7. If you don't mind me asking...

why did she get kicked out? Do you have a real expectation that the behaviors that caused problems in the past will not reoccur? Do you have a pattern of bailing her out of problems she gets into after listening to promises that inevitably get broken again?

If it is as dysfunctional as it seems from this limited information, you need to protect yourself and not get used.

[MichiganVote]

10. Send her to a homeless shelter

She'll wise up.

[mike_c]

14. no, I brought it up....

Do you have a real expectation that the behaviors that caused problems in the past will not reoccur?

No. She was kicked out for 24/7 drinking and other issues that she's so far refused to deal with. Same old same old. She called me at 6:00 AM yesterday morning saying that she'd drank all of X's liquer and she was afraid he'd kick her out if he discovered it, so would I go to the store real quick and buy a half gallon of Canadian whiskey to cover it up. I refused, but eventually agreed to take her to the store instead. That was YESTERDAY.

I'm not stupid. I know I can't trust her.

[NMDemDist2]

16. good grief

you need alanon NOW!

what city are you in?

[mike_c]

21. I started going to Al-anon meetings a few weeks ago....

I don't have a sponsor yet or anyone to call who knows anything about the situation.

[NMDemDist2]

23. you didn't get a list of numbers? they always give out numbers

find the list and call someone on it and keep trying til someone answers the phone.

most alanon's have good contacts in the recovery community and can help you find her a bed

call and keep calling I mean it!

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

25. Dude dude dude

I have dealt with more alcoholics than I care to count or remember and you have GOT to get a list of numbers and/or a sponsor PRONTO!! SERIOUSLY!

This is not something to jack around with----I am not kidding. So not kidding. GET A PHONE NUMBER of someone to call so you can listen to some sanity on dealing with her.

You drove her to the liquor store?

[NMDemDist2]

29. is he hearing us? the voices of experience? I sure hope so

the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results

don't like the results? change what you are doing!

[mike_c]

37. calling al-anon members....

Looking for alternatives. There are some shelters available, but of course they won't accept her either if she's drinking. However, knowing that might be a better absolute boundary than the ones I can set, at least based on past experience. Back to the phone.

[NMDemDist2]

39. good man, you have to set your boundaries

just tell her that no matter what she can't come back, and offer the recovery houses. It's her choice and you are safe. You must make your home a safe place and having a crazy person adds massively to the "scary" factor :smoke:

good luck man, but don't let her come back --- a few nites on couches won't kill her and may save your life :)

[NMDemDist2]

40. one minute, one hour, one day at a time keep her out of your house

one minute, one hour, one day at a time keep her out of your house



i just thought that needed repeating :smoke:

[mike_c]

31. yes....

She was in a panic-- I didn't know what else to do, and I didn't want to see her kicked out of the apt she was staying in. I KNOW it was the wrong thing to do, but I'm having major trouble dealing with this.

[NMDemDist2]

32. did you find the list? if not pm you phone number eom

[mermaid]

22. Not To Be Insulting, But...

you aren't stupid? You just enabled her again...
She is playing you like a violin, dude. change your phone number, get it unlisted, get this woman outta your life...you don't need her. Look after yourself, first.

You need to break off any and all possible contact/communication. Call someone. Call your Al-Anon sponsor...that is what they are for...to give YOU the strength to do the right thing, instead of the easy thing.

On Edit: Listen...I grew up with an alcoholic father. It was 23 years of HELL being his enabler. I was a child. I didn't HAVE a choice. You do. Use it wisely.

On Edit Again: In light of the comment below...I take it back. Stupid, no. gullible, however...yes!

She is playing on your emotions. She is guilting you into being her enabler. As long as she has an enabler she will NEVER go for help. Take my word for it. I grew up in an alcoholic household. It was HELL.

I only stayed till I was 23, because my dad made the big,bad world seem far worse than it was, as a way to keep me in place, and keep me being his enabler.

When I finally got the guts to move out, I did it while he was away. I borrowed a company van, packed my shit, and ran like hell! and the world didn't turn out as bad as he made me think it was.

Yeah, it was tough for a while, but I managed.

I went through 8 years of ACOA - Adult Children Of Alcholoics. This is now a part of Al-Anon...called Al-Anon Adult Children. This is not what you need. But you do need Al-Anon.

Seriously, you let your emotions get the better of you, and drove her to a liquor store, so that, once again, she was saved from the consequences of her own actions. As long as she never has to face those consequences, she will not get help. and she will drag down anyone she can with her.

You can't save her. Only one person can. She can save herself. but she has to want to.

You can only drown with her. She will pull you down with her. Right now, she is the drowning fisherman who stand on you shoulders to keep from drowning. She will cause you to drown...and then she will drown...unless the shithouse door floats by and she manages to grab onto THAT for a little while.

As tough as it is...you gotta let her drown. 'Tis the only way she will ever finfd the will to help herself. Right now, she is looking for the proverbial shithouse door from the sunken Titanic. If you love her at all, if you care for her at all...D NOT BE THE SHITHOUSE DOOR FOR HER!!!

[Beearewhyain]

27. These things aren't about "smart" or "stupid".

Did not mean to imply that you were stupid but relationships of any sort can make individuals make poor choices because of the emotional components. That said, at some point you have to realize that the only person you can or should be responsible for is you. Don't let her guilt you into cleaning up her mess.

[mermaid]

11. Toughlove, Man

'nuff said!
don't let her move back in with you, unless you wanna get made into an enabler again, because that is what will happen...and the weeks will stretch to months, to years, until she gets an idea you won't enable her anymore, THEN she will move on.

I've some experience in this area...people like that are leeches. They will suck you for everything they can get, and then move on.
Don't let her clamp on in the first place.

You gotta worry about YOU first.

[IronLionZion]

13. Don't do it!

It may sound like the nice thing to do but it isn't. It won't solve the problem. She needs professional help and needs to prove that she's willing to go for it.

That's tough love man. Hope it works out.

[mermaid]

26. Yes...and As Long As She Has Her Hooks Into YOU

she will not get the help she needs.
She needs to hit rock bottom.
she needs to end up in a women's shelter somewhere. The people in places like that can recognize the problem for what it is, and steer her towards resources to help her help herself, if that is REALLY what she wants.

she has to want to help herself. From what limited info I am getting, she doesn't want help, she wants an enabler.

You wanna do her the biggest favor of her life?? DON'T BE HER ENABLER!!!

[Nay]

15. Mike, I am a female, age 53, and I say DO NOT let this woman

back into your house. Rent a motel room for her, then a shelter room, whatever, but don't let her in. I was a telephone counselor for a couple of years, and there were people always helping out abusers, and it NEVER turned out well. NEVER.

[mike_c]

24. I've been married to her for 10 years....

I know what a disaster this will be. I'm going to look for alternatives tomorrow AM. This was dumped on me rather suddenly-- most things having to do with my SO are crisis management problems.

[NC_Nurse]

18. If you keep propping her up

she probably will end up dead. If you stop enabling, she may get straight when she runs out of people to manipulate. You can't do anything to help her and you'll end up going down with her if you participate.

Get to an Al-Anon meeting pronto! I know, I've been there too. Best thing I did for me and them. Get some support for yourself to stay strong. :hug:

[shadu]

20. Make the sweet man love!

[jukes]

33. mike_c

you're enabling.

chemical dependents are manipulative, primary symptom.
they're also completely incapable of telling the truth or keeping promises.

if you were w/her for any length of time, you're def a "co-dependent"; if you let her back, you're succumbing to your emotional need to support the drama.

if you're in a support group, call you're sponsor. if you're not, you *must* face the fact that you can't live w/a crazy & not get crazy. get in to ala non or some other group therapy.

CDs destroy themselves & all who carry the burden of their habits. if you let her back, you're committing emotional suicide. might as well get yourself hooked on a dependency of your own (rather than sharing hers by proxy). let her hit bottom. it's her *ONLY* hope. you can't fix her, but she can break you.

feel free to PM if you need some1 to talk to.

[NMDemDist2]

36. so true, and she probably believes in her heart all the shit she's

telling you. She probably does want to change her ways and can't


and you can't do it for her


get her a bed or let her sleep on couches til she can get one

[SoDesuKa]

35. Get Out of Town For a Week

So long as you and she are in the same town, she's going to play you for a fool. So . . . get out of town! Come back after a week. Notify the police that this woman may try to break into your house. You are not responsible for her. Don't be so friggin' dependable.

[greatauntoftriplets]

38. Mike, you've been offered lots of good advice. I can't do any better.

You are in a terrible situation and I wish you well. Just wanted to offer my support.

[dolo amber]

41. Aye...seconded

Be strong. :hug:

[mike_c]

42. thank you DU!

I called several folks on the Al-anon list and found out about a number of potential alternatives that I can check into tomorrow. Any way it goes, it's going to be bloody awful-- even if I find her somewhere else to stay she's going to be pissed that I won't let her move back in here AND she'll still have to stay sober, etc. That's the part that I don't have any faith in, at least not until she demonstrates it.

[NMDemDist2]

43. but whether she does or doesn't isn't up to you

you didn't make her a drunk and you can't make her sober

keep going to your alanon meetings and start asking "what is it about me that I let someone treat me like that? "

and let her know in no uncertain terms she is NOT EVER COMING BACK without at least 12 months sobriety and a note from her sponsor

then let her wrath roll over you like a tide and remember that feeling for the next time you are ready to cave in

edit to add: Good Job Man! :hug:

[Beearewhyain]

44. Along with Al-anon, I would highly recommend therapy

Al-anon is a great program and offers a wonderful support network but many times additional, personalized help can make a world of difference. Just remember, that getting help for yourself is not being selfish. It is all about you and how you can make the best decisions for your life, which oddly enough, effects everyone else around you in a positive manor.

[bratcatinok]

45. She can get glad in the same pants she got mad in.

Don't have any faith in it until there's a history of it. Keep in close contact with your AlAnon group. They will literally save your life by helping you to think straight when you can't do it for yourself.

It may be bloody awful and it may not be as bad as you're projecting it to be. The thing you need to consider first is yourself. You have choices and if it gets to be too much, you have the right to remove yourself from the situation at any time. Matter of fact, not only do you have the right, you have the responsibility to yourself to take care of yourself first.

We people who love or care about alcoholics get real addicted to the emotional drama of living with an alcoholic. We have to learn how to not react but to act in a calm and practical manner.

Do your best to get some rest tonight because after all, she isn't going to get fixed tonight. Don't do anything rash, if you find your adrenaline running really high while trying to make a decision, call one of the people on the list. Ask for their help. You'll be helping them by asking for their help.

Sanity is possible even when in the middle of an insane situation.

[truthspeaker]

46. NOT YOUR PROBLEM

Don't let her back.

Change your phone number and pay to have the new one unlisted.

If you haven't already, change the locks on your house.

You are under NO obligation to take care of this person, understand? Her homelessness is not your problem.