Telling someone to go away, nicely if possible?

[chookie]

I am single after not having been so in some time, so I am WAY out of practice, so bear with me. Single, and not looking, that is. I go out with friends, and because I am not "paired" with someone, guys hit on me. To be honest, I really don't enjoy it. I have no interest in "dating" anyone at this time, and it would take meeting someone with whom I share important interests to change my mind about this.

Very occasionally --rarely, even -- I go to a jazz club, with friends. A man who works there seems to have developed a continental-sized CRUSH on me. Yes, CRUSH, because this guy is SUFFOCATING me. I didn't think it was possible for casual acquaintances to SUFFOCATE you, but he is doing so. I'm sure he is a nice guy, but I find him to be a bore, because all he talks about is jazz -- a subject in which I have very little interest in. I don't pretend to find him interesting, and just about feign death in his presence to plant the idea that he should leave me alone. All I want to do is enjoy a few hours with people I KNOW, and this guy SUFFOCATES me with unwanted attention, and I am sick of it.

He has figured out how to get in touch with me, and calls and calls and calls.

Feigning death has not been enough to get the message across to him. Nor does walking away from him. What can I do or say to get this guy to leave me alone? Is there a nice way to do it, or should I not mind being hurtful?

This is not clear yet, but I have a sense this guy is a bit of a stalker. His interest in me is wildly assymetrical. I have a feeling that there is no nice way out of this for me. I've dealt with obsessive guys in the past, and they tend to get nasty when informed of my lack of interest in them, even when I do so nicely.

Suggestions?

[GOPisEvil]

1. Be direct. Be up front.

It's not the easiest way, but it's the best way. Tell him that you aren't interested, and that you'd appreciate if he'd stop calling.

[Radical Activist]

19. The first post said it

Just be direct and clear. You don't have to mean about it, just say so. Its a lot easier that way for both of you.

[rbnyc]

21. Yep.

You have to be blunt. He may feel hurt, but it's not your responsibility. He'd get hurt less often if he were more adept at picking up social cues. Maybe he'll learn, maybe he won't, but you have no obligation to worry about his feelings.

Not saying go out of your way to be mean, just be very clear and direct. When you're done you'll be very relieved and realize it wasn't as hard as you thought it would be.

[mac56]

2. I think you have to be direct.

Take some comfort in this - At least you're giving some thought to his feelings and how it may affect him. It doesn't sound like he's giving any such consideration to your feelings.

[Book Lover]

3. Hurt him now

Geez, I *just* read a Dear Abby column about this either yesterday or today. Be firm; it's not like you're hurting him to be spiteful or mean. Pain is the price every human pays for liking someone. You are not cruel or horrible for being the instrument this time.

[belladonna]

4. It doesn't sound like there IS a nice way to tell him

If he hasn't gotten the message by now, it's going to take something VERY blunt to get through to him. Have you had any of your friends talk to him? I think it's worth a try, and then, if he won't leave you alone, do what you need to do and stop worrying about being nice.

I've been in a stalker situation more than once, and believe me, it's best not to let this build up any longer in his mind. Good luck, and let me know how it goes :hi:

[Dolomite]

5. Been there - here's what I do:

When I’m trapped in a dull conversation with someone, I mean really up to my gills in boring bullshit – I usually interupt them with something like:

“Excuse me for one second, but I’ve just remembered that I’ve got to go and shoot myself in the fucking head. Thank you.”

[Bunny]

6. Have you read The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker?

He has a lot of good information on how women can deal with stalkers. Because your weirdo is indeed a stalker, and unfortunately, there is no nice way to deal with him.

The first thing Gavin advises is to NEVER take a call from him. Hook your phone up to an answering machine, and NEVER answer it. NEVER respond in any way. Let him leave messages. If someone else calls that you want to talk to, you can always call them back.

Figure out how he got your number. If it's unlisted, try to determine who among your friends and acquaintances might have given him the number. Get another phone line installed, or get a new cell number, and only give it out to people that you can trust to not pass it along.

Reporting his behavior to his boss could get dicey. Since you say you only infrequently go there, you may just have to forgo that particular club. Unfair, but that's also reality unfortunately.

If you haven't read this book, I urge you to get a copy ASAP. It's got very good suggestions and advice.

[chookie]

14. Thanks

Thanks for being so direct. I was really kinda hoping that things might not be as bad as I feared they might be, but indications are that it is one of those very unpleasant situations.

He "fits the profile" of guys who have stalked me in the past -- kind of quiet and nerdy, but wholly focused on the unrealistic notion of an ideal love with an over-idealized object.

Sad to say -- I think you're right -- I'll probably not be able to go to that club anymore. It's awful.

I look forward to reading the book. I hope it talks about why certain women are targeted -- because this has happened to me a number of times, and it would seem I have a characteristic that makes me an attractive object of stalking.

I have such an aversion to being stalked that -- this is so AWFUL -- I have stayed in stinky relationships for months after I should have terminated them simply to just have one man to deal with who would keep the "stray dogs" away.

At least part of it has to do with the fact I am not a confrontational person. These assholes would never do this to a bitch -- a bitch would never let him!

[niceperson]

22. what stalkers see in you

Sadly, they see that you are a nice person, who would never do anything to hurt them. Even if it meant making your own life miserable by giving up things you enjoy, staying with people you don't want for the sake of protection , and letting strangers force you to alter your lifestyle to keep from hurting their feelings. You don't have to be a "bitch", but you would do well to clearly state how you feel. Do not let strange men manipulate you into putting their wellbeing above your own. You have a right to be happy too.

[Radical Activist]

20. Why jump to conclusions?

OK, this guy might be a stalker and being careful is very good advice. On the other hand it sounds like this guy has never been told in a plain and direct way that he doesn't have a chance with the poster. That might be all it takes. There will be some hurt feelings but direct is better than avoiding the situation and never saying anything to him.

I may be way off on this but its hard to say what this guy is. I just remember one woman that I thought was everything I wanted. We went out on one date and she tried soooo hard to be nice and make silly excuses for not going out again I kept thinking there was a chance of something happening in the future. Now I realize I was pretty stupid about the whole thing because I had such a big crush on her, but at no point did I go into stalking behavior. Just sort of annoying behavior for her because I didn't take a hint when I should have. Lots of people do something stupid like that once in their lives without being stalkers. If she had been direct instead of trying so hard to be nice it would have been over sooner. Why not just make things clear in a polite way to this guy before jumping to conclusions? If he still doesn't leave you alone THEN jump into stalker-avoidance mode.

[salinen]

7. Stop projecting that you wouldn't want to be

hurt the way you are going to hurt him. Guys dig rejection. Oh, by the way, I can't stand Jazz. Maybe we could get together sometime and talk about our mutual dislike of Jazz?

Reject me dammit!

[chookie]

10. Gaaad -- what IS it about jazz that makes people so weird?

Yes yes yes -- I KNOW jazz is a great American art form, and I respect that.

However, I don't enjoy it. I honestly admit that I just don't "get it." Maybe some day I will learn how to listen to it and enjoy it, but I must say this is VERY low on my list of priorities....

But ever notice how some jazz people are monomaniacal about it? They will drone on and on and on about so and so playing with so and so, in May of '54 at Newport, etc etc etc ad nauseum.

I'm an opera fan, and have this kind of knowledge about opera performances, but I never make anyone listen to me gas on and on about it.

[regularguy]

16. Jazz Monomania? It's the whitness of the piano keys....

Seriously though, in my single days I started taking in Jazz shows by myself , since I could tell that the people I'd been bringing (friends, dates, whatever) were bored.

[salinen]

17. Oooo opera

Now there's something to sink your teeth into. Opera has everything: Music, dancing, sets, a play, costumes, comedy/tragedy, sometimes performed in a great building, and better food at the snack bar. Opera is the anti-Jazz.

I'll pick you up at 8.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

8. My suggestion:

FUCK OFF AND DIE!

[calico1]

9. You have to be direct, to the point and firm

He obviously doesn't take hints too well. You can't leave any doubt that you are not interested. Being firm doesn't mean you have to be nasty by the way. The sooner you do it the better.

[Magrittes Pipe]

11. Dear baby,

Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.

[northzax]

24. or the other homer simpson solution;

ps, i am gay

[jukes]

12. chookie

this guy sounds like a borderline stalker. *be careful*, he might intentionally misunderstand anything you say.

there's support groups you can google if it gets out of hand.



i suggest waiting for his next approach, *when you have back-up available* & just level w/him. you're not looking for new friends or a relationship.

if that doesn't work, google quickly, you've got a serious, & potentially dangerous, problem.

[Bertha Venation]

13. stalker-ish behavior? then why be nice?

Get the police involved if you have to. Your experience w/ obsessive men is enough to propel you to the police this time, no? It would be me.

Good luck.

[chookie]

15. Two reasons to wanting to try to be "nice"

1) I am not a confrontational person to begin with, and have a problem with expressing anger. (That's probably what makes me an enticing target)

2) I don't want any unpleasantness for my friends. I have known guys to get very nasty when "rejected" -- so much so that they act out in public. It's AWFUL! And what's worse is that men -- friends -- just sit there and let someone get psycho on me, when it would really be useful if they would just get me out of there, or SOMETHING. I have to stop going to places because one of these wacko guys may show up there.

I don't think any of my friends blame me for what happens -- as i sure as heck don't do anything to provoke these guys, like flirting, or wearing suggestive clothing, etc -- but it is unpleasant that sometimes they have to stop going places because a crazy guy makes them uncomfortable. I guess in a way it is my fault, because I don't project a tough exterior.

It gets to the point where I refuse to go out anywhere, because I hate this stupid drama.

There are times when wearing a burkha sounds like a good idea. It's just a shame that a woman can't be on her own -- even with FRIENDS!!!! -- and not be presumed to be eagerly wishing to mate..... I hate that I have to stay home, to avoid situations, simply to keep stupid idiot men away from me.

[Blue Gardener]

23. You can be direct and nice

You don't have to be mean when you ask him to leave you alone, just firm. But make sure there are other friends close by in case he doesn't take it well. I had trouble with a guy at work for years, whenever he started bugging me again I would have one of my male friends talk to him, that usually worked out pretty well. He was harmless, but incredibly annoying.

[jukes]

18. BV

that can often be a mistake, too. (sorry, drawing on my old professional experience). it can often escalate the situ, & the cops need SERIOUS evidence before they can take action.

restraining orders CAN work, but are dangerous too.


BTW, i'm being stalked by a female neighbor, even though i'm married. when i rebuffed her, she took to trespassing onto my property, got her husband involved in harrasssing me, & has made numerous false reports to the local county-mounties.


these people are @ best an incredible annoyance, & can be downright dangerous.

[Speck Tater]

25. "Eat shit and die!" That's what women always tell me and it works!

[mede8er]

26. Chookie......

Tell him you're waiting for a guy named Travis......;)