"Police entered the home after neighbors complained of a foul stench..."

[Fenris]

What other things do you never want to hear in a news report about yourself?

[GOPisEvil]

1. "...found in a ditch."

[aden_nak]

2. "accidentally discharged a firearm" . . . "right testicle"

[Mara Steele]

5. LOL....

How about "gunned down.... right wing extremists.... 'She was a SINNER!!'" :scared:

[jukes]

10. hi, MS

posted in your mopping thread.


also, your fans want to see fotos of your new 'do! not a mullet, is it?

[Mara Steele]

20. No, it's more like a buzz cut

...It's a non-haircut. Super-low-maintenance, body temp regulating for summertime.

:hi:

[jukes]

36. brazen

& cool, in both senses of the word. beware sunburn, however!

[Mara Steele]

45. Thanks!

I'm really happy with it, I feel comfortable. There's enough hair that I'm not too worried about sunburn, but I could really use a hat to protect my eyes, anyway. (A puppy ate my last ballcap. :D)

[Fenris]

3. "...arrested at the airport carrying several human heads in a suitcase..."

[AngryAmish]

4. I had to enter an apartment like that once

Place was a house of squalor, neighbors had not seen the tenant for a while. Called the cops, and hoooo boy did that place stink.

[jukes]

9. AngryAmish

i suspect this 1 was because the tenant had begun to liquify & leaked through the downstairs ceiling.

i did get a call like that 1ce.

[AngryAmish]

15. Tenant was still mostly intact.

Although one loses muscle control when dead and she had shit all over the bed.

The poor lady had an open sore on her leg and pus had dripped everywhere. She was using buckets instead of the toilet. The buckets were kinda full.

Thing was, I was watching the place for a buddy who was off on vacation. I worked a full day in there to get rid of smelly stuff. He spent another 4 days cleaning out the place. Her family was no help.

Took a lot of beer to shake that image.

[jukes]

34. yep, A/A

that must have been a bad 1.


i plan to call the gendarmes, self-kavorkian, & get cremated. hate to think of this manly physique ballooning up, then spraying the walls.

[Mara Steele]

44. I'm gonna be cremated, too

And ask to have my ashes scattered somewhere, maybe at sea.

(The idea of keeping me in an urn over the fireplace strikes me as both hilarious and rather morbid. :D)

[asjr]

47. I had asked my son

to build a plywood canoe, put me in it, light the fire and send me down the Tennessee River, but he told me it would be against the law. I was serious. I told him I wanted a Viking funeral. That would be a a real send-off.

[Mara Steele]

50. Ann Landers did a column on those a while ago

About how they were illegal. Pretty dramatic, though, huh? Imagine if the ports were all full of burning death-boats, all times of the year!

It would definitely add some color to our "bland and homogenized" American way of life! :D

[Mara Steele]

42. Ewwwww!!

Ew. :puke: :puke:

I am SUCH a wimp about that sort of thing. :scared:

[jukes]

51. takes a bit

of getting used to, i admit. + a large jar of Vicks in you kit helps some.

i actually wake w/that smell in my dreams at times!

[Mara Steele]

54. Oh, christ... That's horrible, jukes.

How that must be to dream of, I can't imagine... :(

[jukes]

59. no biggie

you can get used to anything. it's the thawt-trains whilst lying awake that trouble me. 's why i restarted cigarettes.

[Mara Steele]

61. JUKES!!

Cigarettes will kill you, man! You really shouldn't smoke.

OK... now.. </mom switch "off">

Seriously, jukes... I wish you only peace and happiness, however they are found. :pals:

[jukes]

67. mara

i say again, you're a sweet person.



have a budhug..... :hug:



i'll prol quit again soon, just been going through a rough patch.


besides, "live hard, die young, & leave a pretty corpse." clay allison, hired gun, 1891

[Mara Steele]

71. Thanks for the hug!

Back at ya...:hug:

And you're much prettier alive, thanks very much.

Please stay that way as long as possible, my friend! :hug:

[AngryAmish]

84. Didja

Do the Vicks under the nose like in "Silence of the Lambs".

I couldn't find any handy. Trust me, I looked. I rolled up paper towels real tight and stuffed them up my nose. Worked well until I started breathing heavy and sweated. Then, after a while, I got a snootfull.

Really, booze really helped.

[C_eh_N_eh_D_eh]

60. They did that on CSI a couple of years ago.

Ick.

[meegbear]

6. Fishhook in the eye ...

I live on the coast and that happens to someone once a year. Always afraid it'll be me.

[jukes]

52. meeg

get some safety glasses. damn, that has to hurt!



:cry:

[jdonaldball]

7. "Still missing after disappearing in Texas last month"

[truthspeaker]

8. "no explanation for lack of pants"

[GOPisEvil]

11. "...thrown from the vehicle."

[GOPisEvil]

14. and it's cousin, "...ejected through the sunroof."

[Worst Username Ever]

12. "Sucked into airplane toilet..."

[eyesroll]

13. "Republican lawmakers introduced the Eyesroll Protecting Tiny Innocent

Precious Unborn Babies From Secondhand Smoke Act, noting that even though Eyesroll was, indeed, neither pregnant nor a smoker at the time of her death, "it never hurts to have a young white poster girl for these things.""

[nini]

16. 'living in a van down by the river'

I miss Chris Farley....

[kmla]

17. "... inexplicably regained consciousness in the middle of Times Square,

completely naked. In and of itself, nakedness in Times Square is not that unusual. The dance troup of hermaphroditic, bearded nuns with fresh tattoos on their upper torsos will be a somewhat harder to explain to his wife and family..."

[TrogL]

69. God, I love liberals

will be a somewhat harder to explain

None of this black-and-white crap eh?

[judge_smales]

18. He was always such a quiet man

according to neighbors.

[Fenris]

19. "...devoured by squirrels..."

[GOPisEvil]

21. "...remains eaten by the family pets..."

[Fenris]

23. I've heard that one before!

:scared:

[GOPisEvil]

28. I believe that was a MatcomNews item.

[Fenris]

31. Yeah. Not one of the cheery public sex/drunkeness stories.

[jukes]

35. terminal priapas?

how droll!

:evilgrin: :bounce: :evilgrin:


EDIT: meant to respond to fenris, punched the wrong button.

[Fenris]

22. "...fatal erection..."

[kmla]

24. "Owwwww!"

Don't say that!

*crosses legs uneasily*

*Shudders*

[Fenris]

25. "...coroners removed a large apparatus from his rectum..."

[judge_smales]

26. Ohhhh.

Good one!!

[Fenris]

27. "...his headless corpse remained on the elevator for the 3 floor ride..."

[Canuckistanian]

29. "Local man identified by dental records..."

[southpaw]

74. Aaahhh... My Nemesis! You have been away, no?

[Canuckistanian]

75. No sir, I continue to stalk you stealthily

Love your new sig artist, BTW. Jan's one of my faves.
:thumbsup:

[jukes]

30. he lived

to a ripe old age, enfeebled, drooling & senile.

[BiggJawn]

32. "Mummified remains found in bathroom sitting on toilet"

Actually, since I rent, I don't think I'd have enough time to become mummified before they let themselves in, looking for my chequebook....

[Fenris]

33. "...shooting spree at work..."

[yellowcanine]

37. "naked in a motel room with a 13-year-old girl. "

.

[johnnie]

38. "Botched operation"

"..drunk doctor"..."Will now need to change his name from John to Joan".

[Red State Rebel]

39. Oldest Woman To Ever Be Pregnant!!

AAAARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!

[indigobusiness]

40. "Member missing."

"Bobbitized".

[Magrittes Pipe]

41. "found in suburban love nest with matcom and a squirrel (deceased)"

[Magrittes Pipe]

43. "...said to be a eunuch..."

[Mara Steele]

48. Yeah, like anyone would believe that

...you big SLUT, you! :D :loveya:

[Magrittes Pipe]

49. I am a dirty whore.

A dirty, dirty whore! :P

[Mara Steele]

56. You're a tart and a floozie, too

And a hussie as well! :D :loveya:

[yellowcanine]

46. "Local Man and Box Turtle Reportedly United in Nuptials."

.

[dolo amber]

53. "Testing will be done

to determine if the body parts all came from the same person."

:scared:

[Magrittes Pipe]

55. "Upon testing, it has been determined...

...that certain body parts were in fact the contents of dolo amber's stomach."

[dolo amber]

57. "....and the unfortunate Mr. Whitacre was

probably dead upon consumption."

Ewwww. x(

[Magrittes Pipe]

58. LONG dead...

...as a result of rigor mortis.

[Fenris]

62. "...mutilated genitals..."

[VoteDemocratic2004]

63. Police found a dead body under the garbage in the apt.

Police were walking in human excrement up to their knees.

Thats the kind of information that I don't need.

[WoodrowFan]

64. neighbors described him as 'quiet" and were surprised... (NT)

[KamaAina]

65. Democrat-turned-Republican (KamaAina) reiterated his support...

...for legislation redefining marriage to exclude box turtles.

[northzax]

66. a freakish confluence of events

involving a skunk, three nuns, a ferret, a refigerator and the Boston Red Sox.

[maveric]

68. Cadaver dogs were used to find....

[ScreamingMeemie]

70. "It is not yet apparent just what the deceased was doing with a horse

and 4 goats at the time of her death". ;)

[Guy Fawkes]

72. "World's first pregnant male gives birth to octuplets"

[kodi]

73. yet another tradgic incident of teen-age autoerotic asphyxiation

.

[sangh0]

76. "Even the neighbors said....

'He was NOT a nice boy. I always knew he'd get into trouble' "

[LowerManhattanite]

77. Never want to hear the words...

"embankment", "wooded area", "dental records", "statutory" or "he seemed like a quiet guy".

Any news stories with those words in 'em NEVER turn out good. EVER! :(

[Endangered Specie]

78. Was so excited about to have sex for the first time, died 3 inches away..

from a heart attack

[Endangered Specie]

79. "..Was found in a remote gasstation bathroom with a new one ripped in him"

[Endangered Specie]

80. "...Police entered the residence to discover ... blowing a box turtle..."

and simultaneously shoving his genitals into a live toaster oven which apparently electrocuted him, neighbors had been complaining about the stench."

[baldguy]

81. "What might be wrong with that chicken you're eating?"

"Tune in at 11 to find out!"


Come on! I'm eating the chicken RIGHT NOW! 11 will be TOO LATE!

[guitar man]

82. Friends and family report him as saying.........

"Hey y'all, watch this"

[Magrittes Pipe]

83. "...staid..."

[traco]

85. Found in her home with most of her inards eaten

by her beloved pet pomeranian!