I hate being lied to

[loafie]

I found out today that my bf has been smoking (cigarettes) for the past 5 months and lying to me about it. He knew when we first started going out that i hated smoking so he told me he had quit a few weeks into the relationship. Once in a while I would smell it on him and question him and he would adamantly deny smoking at all. So today, i saw him walking outside and i decided to follow him (borderline stalking, I know) and i saw him outside smoking. My heart broke. The smoking is not the issue. i could live with that. It's the lying that really hurts.

[Magrittes Pipe]

1. Have you talked to him about it?

[molly]

2. Well, it's one step better than your husband cheating

but could you ever trust him again?

[GOPisEvil]

3. Tell Skittles. She'll kick his ass.

Bad Rat...bad!

[jedicord]

4. Quitting is really hard...

Not to condone lying, but I did the same thing years ago. I was quitting, I just couldn't do it cold turkey. The comments I got about not quitting when I smoked openly caused me to do so behind my bf's back. I eventually did quit (finally).

[loafie]

7. I am sure it's hard

I would have understood if he told me how hard it was and that he was trying but having a hard time. Now i feel like everything he has ever said to me has been a lie.

[doctorbombeigh]

11. Bit of an overreaction?

It's smoking cigarettes - not cheneying some chippy on the side or anything like that. Your feeling that everything is a lie.... that's a bit much, no? He's still the same guy, presumably there are important qualities in him that you find attractive.

It might be - and this is nothing personal, I don't know you - but if your stance on smoking is very rigid and uncompromising, he may not feel comfortable about being honest with you on this issue. If he feels you are not receptive to him - that if he approaches you, you will not be accepting of the problems he is having with quitting - avoiding the argument is a common response.

It's none of my business, really, just my $.02

[VaLabor]

12. okay

THAT is a bit of an overreaction.

You're dealing with an addiction here -- something that he's clearly ashamed of.

Consider this: In all likelihood, he wants to quit for you (and for himself). He probably has tried hard to quit. But he can't shake it. He doesn't want to disappoint you - but he's still enslaved by nicotine.

What to do: Talk to him about it, being as nonconfrontational as possible. Tell him you happened to see him (don't let him think you were stalking him - that'll make him too defensive). Tell him how you feel about the lying - but offer him some understanding. Let him know that you understand it's an addiction and it's probably very difficult to overcome. You want to help him overcome it - but it's hard for you to do that, to be supportive, if he's hiding it all from you. This may be a big burden off of his shoulders. It'll probably be a relief to be more open with you - and to be able to seek your support when he needs it.

This is really about his shame surrounding the addiction -- nothing to do with his penchant for lying.

[Worst Username Ever]

5. I did the same thing once

and smoked after a g-friend told me it bothered her. I didn't even really want to be smoking, I just didn't like feeling like someone was in control of me.

[Misunderestimator]

6. That's definitely not a good thing... you do need to confront him.

Why on earth would he hide that? And what else could he be hiding? I'd have a hard time trusting.

But to be devil's advocate, he may have really, really tried and hated himself for not being able to quit. So day after day he could have kept justifying not telling you because he thought he could quit. Definitely not as bad as cheating, but dishonesty sucks.

8. Smoking is an addiction

When dealing with a person's addiction, you sometimes have to cut them some slack on things & in ways that you would not do so in other situations.
You shouldn't condone the behavior, but neither should you adhere to an absolute standard regarding truth and lies and what they mean in the specific case. In my opinion.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

9. Uhm, how'd you not taste that when you kissed him?

[loafie]

10. we don't kiss

jk, he obviously did a good job brushing his teeth and using mouthwash before he would see me.

[Magrittes Pipe]

13. Seriously, loafie:

Sit down with him. Tell him you're pissed. Tell him WHY you're pissed (we men can be dense sometimes). If I know anything about Magic Rat, he'll probably be totally ashamed and apologetic -- and I'm sure that he'll mean it, too.

The secret is not to pretend you're not mad. That would just be another lie. Admit to your feelings, but do try to be supportive -- if you want him to quit, and he wants to quit, this is something you can do together -- who knows, maybe it could bring you closer.

Stick to your guns -- make sure he knows it's not okay for him to lie to you. At the same time, you need to know how hard it is to quit, and that he WILL stumble sometimes. When he does, he needs to be secure enough to admit it to you, and you need not to judge him too harshly.

Soon enough, all will be roses again. :)

[THUNDER HANDS]

14. THAT BASTARD!

...oh wait....

:o

[loafie]

15. always with the jokes rat.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

16. Being lied to sucks...

But I understand how you feel. I hate smoking. Being lied to is the one thing I couldn't ever shake off, and I couldn't trust that person again.
Duckie

[SOteric]

17. Aww, loafie...

The rat boy really cares about you.

I know being lied to absolutely sucks the farts out of dead cows, but sometimes you have to consider the context of the lie.

This is the kind of lie people make out of weakness and insecurity or a fear of causing conflagration in a relationship they value.

He shouldn't have lied. I very much hope he'll apologise and own up to it. I also hope you'll find it in you to assess this for what it is. It's not the end of any potential trust unless you want it to be and make it so.

He was ashamed of his smoking and he didn't want the woman he loved to think he was weak. In and of itself, not the end of the world.