Remember my earlier posts? I asked you guys for some advice...

[battleknight24]

... about my friend who was having unprotected sex with a 26 or 27 year old man (she's 18). She's been out of town for a few days with her family. I called her earlier and left a message for her to call me back.

(If you don't know what I am talking about, flip back on the DU Lounge board to read my previous 2 threads... remember, my moniker is battleknight24

She isn't coming back to town for a few days or so. I told her I needed to talk to her when she came back. She asked what was wrong and with a little persistance, I cracked.

I told her that it kind of freaked me out the other day when she said that they were having sex and not taking any precautions. I asked her how things are going with her and her boyfriend and she said everything was great. (I don't know if she was lying a little or being delusional. Things are not going well between them... trust me... he may be 26-27, but there's even more to this story... but that's for another time) I asked her if they were planning to take any precautions.

Keep in mind that I have been good friends with her for over 4 years, and we have shared and discussed VERY personal things with each other...

She replied that it was none of my business. I just told her that I loved and cared about her as a friend and that I was concerned about her. She again replied that it was personal and none of my business... "you're not my boyfriend" ... it went back and forth for a few minutes and she never answered my question. Then she hung up on me. I tried calling her back but she turned off her cell phone... I left a message and- anyone reading this may not like what I said, and it may sound very hurtful- but I was very hurt by what she told me and the way she acted-

this is paraphrased: "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I asked you what I did because your my best friend and I care about you. If you don't want to listen to me and you don't want to take any precautions and protect yourself, you deserve anything and everything that happens to you. Call me"

Yes, I know that's harsh... but I'm very disgusted and hurt too.

I called my brother... I talked to him yesterday and told him my, her, dilemma. I talked to him for a few minutes just right now: "She's being childish, irresponsible and immature. You tried to do what you could bro. Now its up to her. Don't dwell on this. Just forget about it for now."

Easier said.


Peace,

[Race4Peace]

1. Get a tape from a sex ed teacher, and mail it to her

[fr3]

2. You have to let her decide

To apply your narrow-minded thoughts about sex is very restrictive.

She is a free will. She has to make her own choices. If we don't support individual decisions about our lifes and bodies how long before we are just like the robots that chimpie wants us to be?

Freedom always has costs. She will learn eventually. Don't supress her wild side. Do you want someone judgeing YOUR every move?

[murielm99]

6. WTF???

We are not talking about freedom here! We are talking about safety!

She can sleep with whom she wants. She just needs to take precautions against an unwanted pregnancy or an STD.

This is an 18 year old we are talking about here. She could change her mind about this man, and have a ruined life to show for it.

[fr3]

7. So you will decide for her?

Every day people make decisions for themselves. Sometimes you have to let them make their mistakes.

I always worry about pushing morality on people because they react and go the other way.

[Misunderestimator]

8. This is not pushing MORALITY...

It is caring about someone enough to try to convince them to protect themselves. Perhaps there's a second agenda here of an unrequited love, but it doesn't change the fact that having unprotected sex is a very stupid thing.

I hope that my friends would talk me out of being stupid, if they saw me putting a shotgun in my mouth.

[fr3]

12. protected sex sux

It is much better au natural.

There are always alternatives should something bad happen.

[Misunderestimator]

15. Um.... Welcome to DU

and what the hell are you talking about? Alternatives... like dying?

[battleknight24]

16. (OPH) "Perhaps there's a second agenda here of an unrequited love"

... No, not quite... you're actually thinking about this a little backwards...

Its getting late... do you really want me to open up that can of worms?


Peace,

[Misunderestimator]

17. Sorry you took that the wrong way...and obviously didn't read

ANY other part of my post... sorry I made a wrong assumption from others' posts.

[battleknight24]

19. (OPH) Hold on... who were you refering to when you said...

"Perhaps there's a second agenda here of an unrequited love"


Peace,

[Misunderestimator]

22. Clearly you can't comprehend simple English

What is your problem, anyway? I have offered you support on this thread, on the last one and on the one before that. Not ONE response from you to me until now and you pick up on ONE portion of a sentence completely out of context in which I mistakenly (maybe?) assumed that you might have had an interest in the girl prior... AND made it clear that that shouldn't matter.

Enough... the ignore button is getting it's first use tonight.

PEACE indeed.

[2Design]

3. you have to let it go now....you gave her your thoughts....she heard them

she is choosing not to listen or follow your thoughts....it is HER life and now you must get on with YOUR life....

you may love her....but she is on her own path....

find your path and get going on it....

best way to help friends sometimes is to do nothing or walk away and let them decide if they want back in your life.....

codependence is not helpful to anyone.....

it is her business.....and her choices...she has choices...so do you.

[salinen]

4. Yep, I remember

You probably won't like this, but she has rejected you for him. If you have the stomach, forget her for now. You put her in a position to choose him or you.

And some other realities. She can make a mess of her life is she wants. He's not an old Man. She statistically will dump him at some point and go on with her life without tragedy.

When a friend asks another friend to butt out, butt out.

[battleknight24]

13. "She has rejected you for him" ...

Huh???


The point of my dilemma is that my friend is playing Russian Roulette and doesn't seem to be concerned about anything.


Do you remember what my doctor told me when I asked him about all this? STDs aside, and even if a guy withdraws in time, "she's rolling the dice."


Peace,

[salinen]

21. Friends have no choice

You can offer tidbits of your thoughts, but only when asked. "Russian Roulette" is a bit dramatic. She may secretly want a baby. You cannot know all the subtleties. Protected sex is smart, but sex is also wonderful.

You want your friend back? Apologize for being overly dramatic. Then you can at least keep an eye on her. Stop telling your brother. If that gets loose, she'll dump you forever.

[Misunderestimator]

5. You did the right thing... maybe "deserve" was a bit harsh, but

I think it will be clear to her that you said it because you are upset. You've probably done all you can do at this point, and she is the master of her own universe. Sorry she's being blockheaded about things. And YOUR friend is right too, that you might need to let it go. It's quite possible (probable even) that your words DID have an effect on her or WILL have an effect on her when she really considers them.

Remember that she's also young. It's hard to understand that one isn't invincible... and to be told by a friend that you're doing something so irresponsible might have embarrassed her (ergo the hanging up and turning off the phone). Doesn't change the fact that you were right to tell her. I hope she's smart enough to think twice next time she sleeps with him.

[chicaloca]

9. She deserves ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that happens to her?

Okay, I'm sorry, but that's disgusting. You do have a right to be upset, but not to that extent. What if this guy starts beating her? What if he rapes her? What if he murders her? (Or hell, what if some random stranger does any of the above to her?) Does she then deserve that, simply because she hurt your feelings? Sorry, but your ego is not more important than her safety.

[battleknight24]

10. (OPH) Okay... 2 Things...

1. I was very upset and I still am upset right now.

2. I wasn't talking about physical abuse, rape or murder.

Of course her safety is most important.


Peace,

[salinen]

11. Broccoli

is an amazingly thoughtful vegetable.

[Misunderestimator]

14. LOL

and an amazing non sequitor

[NightTrain]

18. I believe the the name for what you said to her is "tough love."

Some people need it. Whether this girl does, I honestly can't say because I don't know her. But sometimes, you just gotta say what's on your mind, no matter what the end result may be. And I speak from experience!

[Dookus]

20. One can advise friends...

we can't make them do anything. You made your feelings known to her, and that's all you can do. Continuing to push it will NOT have the outcome you want.