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These were thought to be, but are NOT George Carlin quotes.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Is there another word for synonym?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
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