In need of advice (or something?!) regarding a HUGE cultural divide...

[blondeatlast]

This gets complicated, please bear with me.

My husband's father is an Indian national and GRAVELY ill. Hubby is in Bangalore with his brother (who also resides in the States) trying to work out care for him. FIL is pretty much a shell at this point from a recent massive stroke. No speech, virtually no movement, you get the picture.

Solution? Obviously, put the man in a nursing home to live out the rest of his days in his homeland, near his daughters, right?!

Wrong--sisters say that it is son's duty to take care of father, that they would "lose face" (with husband's families) if it were left to them. They are completely serious, and won't even for a moment consider having him put in a nursing home in Bangalore. It just won't happen, no matter how much sense it makes to you and me.

The poor man won't survive the trip, it's fairly certain. I'd even be surprised if the airline would allow him to board. If he would survive it, we simply can't afford long-term care for him (India, of course, provides it for all).

Sisters minds are dead set--Papa MUST come to the US. I'm grasping at straws here, but has ANYONE in this worldly wise bunch got any ideas? The smartest people I know are at DU, if there is any sense to be made out of this situation, this is where it will happen.

Sorry to dampen Lounge spirits; but have a 'tini on me for your advice.

Thanks, gang... I'm a near wreck over this.

Edit: Even if you personally have nothing, can we keep this kicked a bit? I'm in dire straits here!

[greatauntoftriplets]

1. I'll try....

Questions to ask the sisters:

I agree with you about the airline not allowing him to board. Too disruptive for other passengers, plus liability issues would make any airline skittish. Americans are known the world over for being fast to file lawsuits. India is a long way off and it would be dangerous for him to fly without constant medical attention. Can the family afford a charter flight?

Also pay round trip airfares for a doctor (possibly) and a nurse (definitely) to accompany him here?

Why to hell can't the sisters take care of him, given the rigors of what I'd guess to be a 20-hour flight?

Good luck. You need it.

[blondeatlast]

2. It['s this huge cultural thing--once a woman is married, they

pretty much disavow their own families (Remember "Monsoon Wedding?")

SILs actually expect that me and my stateside sister in law will take care of things (It's expected of us, you see.) Hubbies have tried to explain stateside reality to them to no avail.

It's just a big ole mess--my poor hubby is at wit's end.

[Political_Junkie]

3. Can hubby go to India for awhile?

It's very important for his family to save face.

[Lisa]

8. perhaps the brothers could alternate?

If the father is too sick to fly (and making him endure a transcontinental flight which might hasten his demise would be cruel, I agree) -- is there any way that they could trade off looking after him for a couple of months at a time? It may be easier to get time off work if the employers know there's a set schedule. Flying back and forth will be rather expensive, but if the choice is between that and having family troubles, the cost may be worth it. Especially considering the costs of nursing care in the States.

My grandfather was also in a situation near the end of his life. He was in North America, but the family is Japanese. He wouldn't hear of going into a nursing home (plus he had dementia, which would have made it more difficult to find a place for him). He had three sons who lived in or near town, and the arrangement was that Grandpa lived at Uncle Jim's house (the family, including the sister out West, all chipped in for improvements to the home, e.g. handholds in the shower). All three brothers took turns going to the house to look after him, since Jim had to work most days, and my dad was retired, while the other brother is self-employed.

p.s. this went on for just over a year. (In this case Grandpa was actually quite healthy, except for the dementia part.) He died peacefully one morning after Dad had fed and bathed him, and set him in his easy chair for a nap.

Good luck with this, blondeatlast. It's a difficult position to be in, and it's great that you're being so understanding.

[blondeatlast]

9. He's there now, but can't stay long. Hubby and BIL were under the impressi

that Papa was doing better than he actually is.

[Carni]

4. I don't know your financial situation

Or your FIL's, but bringing him here in his current state, so that you can pay for long term care is just insane...

I think I would price airfare here for a person in his medical condition and long term care here based on his prognosis and the time he has left (that is assuming you could even find a decent place for him) and then after I had that figure I would sit the SIL's down and say this is what it will cost if we move this poor man from his own home...Now YOU GALS cough up YOUR fair share of the dough and we will proceed from there.

It would be cruel and unusual to put the man in nursing care in the US if India is his home base. The care here in nursing homes (unless you have bucko bucks) is not anything to aspire to here...believe me!

It would probably be more advantageous for your husband to spend time with him there as uch as possible as opposed to bringing him here.

JMO

I have pain in the ass SIL's also so I have been there believe me...they are high rollers until it comes to anything that they have to pay for or deal with!

Good luck!

[Book Lover]

5. For what it may be worth

Can the sisters be pursuaded that your husband and brother-in-law *will* be taking care of the *responsibility* of caring for their father by placing him in a skilled nursing facility in Bangalore? If the men take care of the problem (by placing their father and doing the paperwork themselves), but the father stays where he is, might that be a workable solution? That way, the father doesn't travel (I agree, I am not sure he can be flown) and the men still get to do all the work.

[Bunny]

6. Well, who actually has the "upper hand"?

You say the sisters won't even consider having him put into a home. Who makes the final decision? In India, is there a protocol for things like this? Does the nursing home need the consent of ALL children, a majority, the firstborn son, etc.? Can your hub and his brother just have him admitted to the home, without the consent of the sisters? Is there an expectation that the family will continue to care for him once he's put in the care home? I'm just trying to get the bigger picture, and a better understanding of the cultural situation in India.

[blondeatlast]

11. Unfortunately, I'm unclear on all of this as well.

Not sure how the legal things all work.

What I am sure of is that my hubby and BIL do care very much about their sisters feelings, and simply won't let them be hurt.

But they shouldn't have to be forced into the situation as is, either.

So far, I've gotten some good talking points, thoughts, etc.

Thanks everyone--this is very sticky.

[Carni]

7. And another thing

The women that I know that are from India are very well educated and quite liberated.

Are you sure these SIL's aren't jerking the "American's" chains?

[blondeatlast]

10. Ahem--no, I'm not sure, but their family is a but different, too.

They were all raised as followers of Sai Baba and the sisters have never really completely left the cult, although they are not the least bit devout, either.

[politicat]

12. Is it that the sisters don't want to have to visit?

Okay, thinking about this as if it's not a long illness that means essentially the end of life but rather more like a car accident or something.

If the financial and ethical responsibility of putting your FIL in a skilled care center falls completely on your husband and your BIL, then I'm wondering if the issue is more that the sisters are worried they're going to have to deal with day-to-day needs?

Perhaps what needs to happen is an assistant be hired for your FIL who can take care of the day to day things that the care center would not (like buying new pajamas or slippers, fetching special meals or whatever...) and your husband and BIL take financial responsibility for having these surrogate care givers.

Someone needs to sit down with the sisters and explain some hard truths and cold facts to them - like the plane trip that would probably result in your FIL's death....

Pcat

[ScreamingMeemie]

13. That is a tough one, a really tough one.

Could perhaps the doctor be consulted on this issue? To talk to the sisters with regard to their father's health, and his certain inability to survive the trip?

My heart goes out to you, and your husband. I hope you get swift resolution.

Laura