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I will help celebrate your 800th post by adding my first. I have been lurking for about a year, so I suppose that it is about time to do this thing. I apologize in advance for its length, but I ask that you bear with me as I have never before put it into words. Of course, if you choose to skim (or ignore) it, I shall forgive you…
I am 31 years old (today) and was a lifelong Republican. I am embarrassed to say it now, but I voted for, campaigned for, and even sent money to George W. Bush in 2000. On November 7th, 2000, I despaired when I thought Gore had won and rejoiced when I thought Bush had. I proceeded to spend the next month, as many party loyalists on both sides did, to root for “my” team and deride the electoral arguments of the “other” team. When Gore finally capitulated, I celebrated with all of my GOP friends an imagined return of honor and civility to Washington. I even held onto this naivety as the unnerving events began to unfold.
Although I was well trained in towing the party line on issues that were less important to me than others, I have always prided myself on applying at least a SEMBLANCE of objectivity to the view of our nations leaders. When Clinton struck Iraq after the plot to assassinate Bush-41 was revealed, and when he bombed Taliban training camps in ‘98, my GOP friends cried either “Wag the Dog” or worse, but I supported him. Even thought I thought I disagreed with him on most issues, I could recognize that, sometimes, the President must act in the interest of ALL Americans, not just those who voted for him. I took flak for this, but stood my ground. Of course, when the impeachment fiasco began, I lined up like a good little Republican, always saying that this wasn’t about sex, but perjury. I had always opposed most of his policies, but never sunk to the vile level of hatred that many friends had for the man, but this was different- The future of the presidency was at stake. I thought it was just the worst in a long line of deplorable scandals that “Slick Willy” brought on himself. Of course, three years later, I watched the Cheney Energy Task Force, and obediently defended its executive right to secrecy, even though part of me wondered why I screamed this now, having opposed the previous administration’s attempts to use far more Constitutional means as it tried to provide health care to all Americans. Although I didn’t know it at the time, this was probably the first crack in my GOP armor that let in the first ray of sunlight.
I suppose that this is the right point to add the caveat to the story. I was not only a GOP activist, but was also a gay man. For a long time I was closeted, most notably as an officer in the College Republicans, acting specifically as the coordinator of my college’s student senate. I orchestrated our efforts to de-fund several “liberal” organizations and even led the effort to stop recognition of National Coming-Out Day. I had many justifications for these views, and never saw any contradiction, but finally I came out to both friends and family. I did so during the height of the impeachment debate, even claiming that it proved my motives involved the rule of Law, rather than sexual mores. I argued that being a gay Republican was not the contradiction in terms many believed, and even went so far as to run for the state legislature as a Republican, not defending or hiding my homosexuality, but stating it plainly, and claiming that it was a non-issue. I knew that my party opposed “special” rights for gays, but I agreed with them on most other issues, so I saw no problem. Most of my gay friends became irate and asked how I could support a party that hated me and wanted me to put me in prison (or worse), but they were easily ignored as mindless Democratic sheep, following the gay herd. The ones that that always go to me, though, were those who would refuse to argue policy with me, or even if there was a place for a queer in the GOP. They would just pat me on the back and say, in various ways, “I used to be a Republican, too. Someday you’ll understand.” Try as I might, they wouldn’t debate me as to why I was justified in what I was doing. No matter what I would say, they would just pat me again, and reaffirm that someday I would get it.
After a good old fashioned ass-whooping in the primary, and a subsequent move out of state, I continued to be a cheerleader for Dubya. After the horror of 9/11, I became even more committed. I endeavored to get my friends (gay and straight alike) to admit that, however they had voted in 2000, that America was better off with Bush in the Oval Office than Gore. Although a surprising number agreed at first, most of my liberal friends quickly recanted, and we returned to the usual tit-for-tat that has become American politics. Then, unlike most people I know, I began to move to the left in the following months. Move may be the wrong word. I began to do what seemed anathema to me as a party activist for so many years… I began to question WHY I believed things, rather than simply regurgitating what I had been fed (And I will say that many on both sides can be guilty of this). It started when I listened to my own ridiculous attempts to justify the repeal of the “Death Tax” (something like “we must protect the right of farmers, small business owners to leave more than 5 MILLION dollars to their heirs… IT’S ONLY FAIR!”). It continued with a feeble defense of the USAPATRIOT act, even while I realized that if Clinton had tried the same thing, my party would have not only impeached him, but executed him for treason. But the metaphorical back-breaking straw came, as silly as it seems, when John Ashcroft covered up the statues of Law and Justice, rather that be seen on television with vile naked, stone-carved breasts on television. I realized if the ruling wing of the GOP couldn’t stomach granite breasts, they could never accept a filthy homo.
This is where, in answer to the question of this post, I discovered DU. As with many others (I assume), my first contact came with the Top Ten Conservative Idiots list. It helped me to realize the idiocy of so many of my arguments. How could I possibly defend the actions of this administration? It seemed odd, but once I began to question some policies of my party, the trickle became a flood. How could I support “Welfare to Work” while opposing any government supported child care program? Why was I so eager to defend an unborn child, but opposed all programs to help it afterwards? Why was I, as someone raised in a lower-class, single parent family, so eager to fight for tax cuts for those making more money in a year than my parents had earned in their lifetimes? Reason began to shatter blind faith, and while I do not agree with the Democrats on all issues (I still am a small “l” libertarian in many ways), I realized that my thoughts on many issues were due to fidelity to the GOP, rather than the other way around as it should be. I have spent the last year and a half reading and learning and, for the first time, really thinking for myself. Reading the articles and forums, I have come to the realization that when it came to the “intellectual-elite”, that I had fought against for so long, I should focus on the first word, and admit that the fact that most individuals who spend their lives studying and learning tend to be liberal should not be viewed as a detriment, but a strength. I have also learned that while I rallied against the party that used the politics of “fear”, it was, in fact, my own party that catered to the worst, no the best, in people. Claims like, “They’re gonna take your guns, ban Christianity, and turn your kids gay”, while not stated quite so explicitly, explain why so many who would benefit from the policies of the left flock blindly to the right. The politics of fear are all they can rely on. Fear of differences. Fear of change. Even fear of our own country (through fearing government programs). Of course, the worst point for me was when I learned that MY life was one of the favorite tools in this campaign of fear, which leads me to the final part of this story.
My boyfriend, whom I had met just a few months before our new reality crashed down upon us, is what has became reviled in a post 9/11 America: A foreigner. Our story doesn’t need to be retold here, I’ll simply say that it was a classic retelling of the traditional boy-meets-girl affair with one (not so) small difference. As an Irish citizen he could come and go on a temporary basis, but since we quickly decided that we wanted to live together forever, I found that the gay marriage issue, which had not only been low on my radar, but had even been an issue I claimed could be ignored, had become the most important one in my life. I quickly learned that our nation of immigrants only allows three methods of entry to those yearning to be free. You can be sponsored by an employer. Unfortunately, the Bush economy has created such a large supply of “surplus labor” that companies rarely jump through the hoops required to sponsor a non-American (even if they have a BS in computer science, as he does). You can win a spot in the “diversity lottery”, which, though it sounds promising, only grants 50,000 visas to over 10 MILLION applicants a year (giving someone about a 1 in 200 chance). Finally, you can be sponsored by a “family member”. Of course, this means the Newt Gingrich definition of family- Hastily married third wives are encouraged, but queers need not apply. The domestic partnerships, that I had long believed we should settle for (it’s only a name, right?), do not qualify, so I am left in the unenviable position of choosing either the person or the country I love. The evil of “separate but equal” had always been something I understood on paper, but now, in 2004, I get to face it in all its hideousness. Now the man I campaigned for wants to enshrine this in the most beautiful document in the history of human civilization. I would like to go back to my home town and tell some of those guys from my past that “I finally understand”, and someday I might, but for now I will settle for doing everything I can to defeat the party that wanted my vote, as long as I didn’t ask to many questions or get to uppity about my “lifestyle choice”. If I heard a gay man (or woman) explaining why he was voting for Bush now, my reaction would probably be the same refusal to argue and assurance that as they grow, knowledge will come. I suppose the one good thing Bush has done is made gay Republicans, somewhat common four years ago, a nearly extinct species. In fact I have not met a single gay person who will fall for the “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice….. we’re not gonna be fooled again”.
DU, among others, has (from the unheard sidelines, admittedly) helped reinforce what I realized on my own. I can finally think for myself and, while I remain a registered independent (and probably will be for some time), all it will take is a quick trip to Freeper land, or 5 minutes of Limbaugh, Coulter, Hannity, and the rest to remind me of my former lunacy, and to reinforce the fact that government is not the enemy, and can solve problems other than killing people in other countries, that differences between each of us should be embraced rather than feared, and that support for the least among us is a virtue, not a vice.
Again I apologize for the length of the post, but it was a lifetime in coming. I also apologize for any errors in it, as it is late, and having just typed from the heart, I am not going to re-read it for corrections. (I could have kept rambling for another 4 hours, but will spare you the agony).
I hope this site helps keep my in my virtual GOP-Anonymous program, and thinking rather than following.
Keep the faith, and remember: No matter how burnt out you get by politics, when you think that you are not accomplishing anything through your efforts… you CAN change people’s minds! I’m living proof- a former GOP candidate and lifelong activist who came to his senses through sites like this- and remember that when change comes in our country, it will come one person at a time.
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