The Ed Wood Memorial Worst Movies Ever thread

[Chovexani]

Everyone always says Plan 9 From Outer Space is the worst movie ever, but I actually think Glen or Glenda (another Ed Wood classic) is worse than Plan 9. Plan 9 is at least funny. Glen or Glenda manages to be both nonsensical and boring at the same time.

Of course I'll also have to mention the classic cinematic turd, Manos: The Hands of Fate, as is mandated by the MST3k Info Club card in my wallet. That movie is so bad that even though the MST3k episode where they riffed on it was one of the funniest they ever did, I *still* can't sit down and watch it over and over like other episodes.

The story behind it is almost as amusing as the story behind Plan 9. The director (who played the father, I can't remember his name offhand) was a fertilizer salesman who took a bet that he could make a successful horror film on the cheap. More creepy than the actual movie is the fact that something like 4 people who were in it killed themselves when shooting wrapped.

Cthulhu Mansion is also up there. I'm starting to think the Elder Gods just won't allow a decent Lovecraft adaptation to be made. This one is probably the worst, as it has little if anything to do with everyone's favorite tentacled guy. Of course it was also directed by the same guy who gave us another movie that made a classic MST3k ep, Pod People.

Let's talk about some crappy movies.

[terrya]

1. Flame away, but "The Blair Witch Project" is the worst ever made.

It's a hideous piece of boring, and I do mean BORING, drivel. Made much, much, oh much worse by the hype of how "terrifying" it was.

[Chovexani]

5. Oh I'm so with you on that!

True story: at the time Blair Witch 1 came out, I was working at a fairly well-known occult bookstore here in NY. For some reason, we had some of the Artisan marketing people come in and give us Blair Witch-related stuff to pass out in the store. I mean cheap gimmicky crap like little flashlights, and stuff like that. It was completely unsolicited, and my co-workers and I had a big "wtf" moment.

Actually, "cheap gimmicky crap" is a pretty good way to sum up the whole Blair Witch phenomenon. If you can possibly believe it, the second one is even worse, which breaks my heart because of who made it. The guys who made it were the ones who did the excellent Paradise Lost documentaries about the West Memphis Three and are pretty much responsible for getting their story out to the public. I guess they have to eat, too.

[CanuckAmok]

8. Someone here on DU is involved with both BW movies...

...but I forget who it is. I'm sure they;ll contribute to this thread. I hope so, anyway, because they have an excellent story about how BW2 was completely wrestled away from the film-makers and became a piece of corporate committee film-making.

[Connie_Corleone]

11. It was mostly boring

I did like it, but it was boring during the daytime scenes. They should've had more nighttime scenes with spooky things happening.

[Kid_A]

12. As bad as "Blair Witch" was you have to give it some props

if only for its brilliant marketing campaign. It was sheer genius. I remember talking to several people that summer who insisted it was real, no matter how many times I said "Dude, it has the chick from the Steak n Shake commercials in it. It's not real."

But as awful and unwatchable as that movie was, it's sequel was even worse. It was so bad I was more interested in the conversation the woman behind me was having on her cell phone. Normally I hate when peope do that, but this time I was thankful for the distraction.

[skypilot]

2. I'm starting to notice...

...that a good portion of the movies that go straight to DVD seem to qualify for "Worst Ever" status.

[flamingyouth]

3. I love Ed Wood

My continual nominees for worst movie ever made are "Eegah!" and "Manos: The Hands of Fate."

If we want to go way back (1929), we have to add "Coquette" with Mary Pickford doing a screeching southern accent with early Vitaphone equipment to our list.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

4. I Bought a Vampire Motorbike.

Worst. Movie. Ever.

[Chovexani]

7. Jesus that sounds like shit.

I *have* to see it.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

14. It's so bad it's bad. It's no Psychomania.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097550/
When a motorbike gang kills an occultist, the evil spirit he was summoning inhabits a damaged bike. The bike is then bought and restored, but reveals its true nature when it tries to exact vengance on the gang, and anyone else who gets in its way.

[Chovexani]

16. Oh my god.

It has Anthony Daniels in it too! As a priest!

I'm so finding this movie.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

17. And Burt Kwouk!

[CanuckAmok]

6. Some from my list:

The Doom Generation: Greg Araki uses pretty people and contrived bisexuality instead of story or acting, to shock the bourgeois suburban theatregoers he obviously hates so much.

Saturn 3: Kirk Douglas, Farrah Fawcett, and Karvey Keitel in a terrible version of Frankenstein, set in outer space. Kirk Douglas' bare ass, too. Eeek!

Punch Drunk Love: Somebody kill PT Anderson while he still has some credibility left.

13 Conversations About One Thing: I'm still expecting some sort of conclusion. Still waiting....

Moulin Rouge: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!

24 Hours in London: Typical Guy Richie-ripoff about fashionable British thugs. In need of a plot.

Event Horizon: A space ship which somehow travels to hell, and returns as a ghost ship. It has Sam Neil in it, which is reason enough to hate it.

Mulholland Drive: Oh, come on. Don't even try to justify this stinker. David Lynch is cabale of brilliance, but he was obviously having a bad hour when he wrote this one.

Hannibal: 'real' serial killers get LESS scary, not more scary, when they are given superpowers. The reason Silence of the Lams was so good is for the same reason the European version of "The Vanishing" is the best horror movie ever: the killer is an everyday guy, not some sort of superhuman monster wringing his hands and instantly castrating people through their clothing as they pass by in a crowd.

[Kid_A]

18. In defense of "Hannibal"...

the reason he was able to kill people as effeciently as he did is because he's a doctor with extensive knowledge of human anatomy. He knows exactly where to slice you if wants your intestines to fall out, or if he wants to castrate you, or if he wants to take off the top of your skull and feed you part of your brain without you even knowing it in one of the most ridiculously gratuitous finales in movie history. Hannibal is the most threatening when he's not being violent at all.

But you're right, "Hannibal" was a terrible, terrible movie.

[CanuckAmok]

33. Okay, but...

I'm not disputing the character's know-how. What I'm suggesting is that removing the element of reality, applied physics, or whatever from that movie defeats the whole purpose of it. The real terror isn't his ability for spectacle, its the fact that e could be your meek little neighbour, and have the will to be this 'evil'.

I know why the film-makers gave him the ability to create visually shocking masterpieces of macabre art, but IMO, as soon as he was allowed to break the physical laws which govern the universe, he became less 'real', therefore less frightening.

Example: in SOTL, Hopkins, who is probably 5'6" and 150lbs, is able, in a matter of a few minutes, to take Charles Napier, 6'4", 245lbs, kill him, gut him, flay him, suspend him from a cage, and relight the entire room to backlight his victim (and don't get me started on the atmospheric smoke which seems to have no source). It's not a physical possibility.

Example: in Hannibal, Hopkins castrates a moving pickpocket in mid-step, through his clothing, amidst a crowd of people, so effectively, that the victim doesn't even realise it for several minutes. Not possible.


Liotta eating his own brain? Sure, that I can deal with, because we (the audience) weren't asked to witness Lechter performing brain surgery on him while driving through rural conneticut in the rain, in a standard transmission Porsche driven by a possessed giraffe, while eating a 12" meatball sub with no napkin and lip-syncing silmultaniously to Verdi and Slayer. For all intents and purposes of the film, he had several hours, and nearly ideal conditions to perform the surgery, so I can buy that, assuming it's possible to do at all.

[NV Whino]

21. Yep

Moulin Rouge. There was only one good scene in it, and the movies was so bad I forget what it was.

Mulholland Drive on the other hand, I loved. However, you have to be privy to some of the real Hollyweird stories to appreciate it. It was, in essence, the history of Hollyweird told in cliché.

[sundog]

36. I thought I was the only one who hated Punch Drunk Love...

so pretentious I wanted to :puke: You can practically hear Anderson in the background yelling "Look at ME! I'm a great DIRECTOR! An AUTEUR!" :puke:

[CanuckAmok]

39. Look at the slide:

Boogie Nights: Brilliant and cohesive

Magnolia: Brilliant but not quite cohesive (Deus Ex Machinae not withstanding)

Punch Drunk Love: Not Brilliant, not cohesive.

What's next? I shudder to think.

[aden_nak]

9. Have none of you seen Troll 2?

It didn't even have any trolls in it. Literally.

[Chovexani]

15. Troll 2 was comedy gold.

Hell so are any of the movies that were ever watched by Joel/Mike and the bots. Horror on Party Beach was another gem. To this day my friends and I randomly shout "use the sodium!" at each other. Usually in restaurants. Where we're stared at strangely. Yeah, we're nerds. :)

The kaiju movies they watched were terrible too, even by that genre's low standards. I'm almost sad they never got around to riffing on the 2002 Mothra movie (Return of Mothra?). I saw it one lazy Sunday afternoon on the Sci-Fi channel and it was just...there's no words. The evil fairy cracked me up for some reason.

[DelawareValleyDem]

10. Here are some

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes :puke:
The sequel to The Poseidon Adventure
Any Planet of the Apes movie except the first
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band

[Caution]

13. The worst movie of all time

Armageddon.

Oh my dear god what a fetid steaming pile of utter crap this thing was. I'm actually ashamed of myself for sitting through it. I was actually hoping the earth would be destroyed. I have seen some really bad films (i have an extensive mst3k collection) and this one just takes the cake. I can't believe anyone liked it. and for the record I love sci-fi and big special effects type movies.

[Chovexani]

20. I have a VHS copy of that lying around my house somewhere.

I know, I know, but I didn't buy it, it's my cousin's. I love stupid disaster movies, they appeal to the part of my brain that likes Joe Don Baker movies. But I can't even work up enough interest to watch it just to make fun of it.

Everyone said Deep Impact was the better Earth-gets-smushed-by-meteor movie, and I'm inclined to believe them, if only because Tea Leoni makes a mighty satisyfing pancake.

[Jade Fox]

27. Oh yes, absolutely unwatchable. Walked out of it.

As we left the theater, we heard some guy working at the popcorn stand
talking about what a great movie it was!

[Screaming Lord Byron]

19. Ooh. Lair of the White Worm.

[childslibrarian]

22. I miss MST3K

It was the highlight of TV viewing for many years.
I personally think Dune is the worst movie ever made.

[Doc_Technical]

23. "Teenagers from Outer Space".

One of my favorite bad movies.
To call the acting "wooden" would be an insult to a lumber yard.

[NewJeffCT]

24. Meet Joe Black

I think that is the name of the movie with Brad Pitt & Claire Forlani in it?

[Chovexani]

25. Yep. Funny as hell.

Best known as the movie every nerd with a plastic lightsaber went to go see, because it had the first trailer for Star Wars: Crapisode 1.

Yes, I was one of them. And I'm deeply ashamed.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

26. Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter in a tie with The Fearless Vampire Killers

[Chovexani]

28. Keeping with the vampire theme: Queen of the Damned

Starring the guy who got fired from Lord of the Rings because he can't act.

In terms of quality adaptations, it's right up there with the Lovecraft movies in its sheer suckitude.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

29. Ever see Countess Dracula, the Lesploitation Hammer Movie?

[Chovexani]

30. Oh yeah. Instant Velveeta classic.

Then again so is pretty much every Hammer movie. Watching those old movies it's pretty amazing to think Christopher Lee went on to do LotR, some of the most critically acclaimed movies ever.

Part of the reason I love watching bad old movies is seeing people that went on to bigger and better things in them. Michael Moriarity in Q: The Winged Serpent, I'm looking at you.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

32. I love people out of context, like Roger Ebert writing a script

for the Sex Pistols. The mind boggles.

[Speck Tater]

31. Give Ed Wood $10 million and you'd get Battlefield Earth.

THE worst movie of all time!

They could only afford 2 legs for their tripods, so the cameras kept tipping over during filming.

[Chovexani]

34. Is that why everything was sideways?

I saw it one night on the Sci-Fi channel and got motion sickness.

You gotta love vanity projects. Gigli anyone?

[Philostopher]

35. A couple of mine, from the early '80s.

Time Walker:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0084796/

There are two reasons I remember this movie. One reason is, it featured (though didn't star) Kevin Brophy, also known as 'Lucan the Wolf Boy' from the TV series. The second reason is, I actually saw this movie twice -- once as an opening feature at a drive-in, once on a free-ticket night at a movie theater. It sucked both times.

Hell Night:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082511/

Linda Blair was in this. So was Lucan. It was a date movie. Yeah, I know -- I was a geek in high school, though. One guy I dated thought this was a date movie, another one thought Devo was makeout music. I got better.

[Chovexani]

37. Wow that guy sounds like a winner

Really. :crazy:

I remember Hell Night. It also had one of those wacky Van Pattens in it, I forget which one. They all sort of run together for me. Hollywood royalty, they are.

When Joel & the Bots riffed on Master Ninja I, they made a flowchart of Van Pattens during one of the host segments. It was hilarious.

[Philostopher]

41. I can't remember if MST3K did 'Time Walkers' or not.

It's entirely possible -- it was definitely that bad, and they did others with Kevin Brophy in them, since I think he did about seven hundred B-grade horror flicks in the late seventies and early eighties.

I'm pretty sure they didn't do 'Hell Night' -- it actually wouldn't have been so bad at a drive-in, I saw it in a regular theater. It was supposed to be campy, I think, but only Linda Blair was accomplished enough as an actor to pull off the throwaway lines well enough to be funny.

[Chovexani]

43. I don't remember off-hand

But if they did it would probably be mentioned here:

http://www.mst3kinfo.com/ward_e/index.html

[Philostopher]

45. I was right about 'Time Walkers'

MST3K did send it up:

http://www.wsu.edu/~delahoyd/being.fap.html

It was reissued later under the title 'Being From Another Planet' -- this was how we got stuck seeing it a second time, it was re-released almost ten years later under a different name. I remember my first husband and I laughing about it on the way out, 'just when you thought it was safe to go see a mummy movie, Kevin Brophy shambles back from the undead! Oh, the humanity!'

Can't find any indication they did 'Hell Night,' though.

[geniph]

38. All these posts, and not one vote

for either Gigli or Battlefield Earth? What is the world coming to?

[Chovexani]

42. I think everyone blocked out Gigli

You know, for our mental health. :) One of these days I'm gonna sit down and watch it now that it's on cable. Starz was actually promoting by saying it was so bad, you had to watch it.

I've never seen a movie channel do that before.

[geniph]

44. I saw one review

that said it made Glitter seem almost watchable!

[Chovexani]

46. Ouch!

That's rough. :)

[Commendatori]

40. Major League 2, Cyborg 2, Accidental Tourist, Master of Disguise

I can't think of any movies worse than these.

[Connie_Corleone]

47. The Return of the Killer tomatoes!

With a young George Clooney starring. How his career survived that movie, I'll never know.

:puke:

[tom_paine]

48. Highlander 2. never did a sequel fall so far

DisHonorable Mention

"The Dungeonmaster" with the dude who played Bull Shannon on "Night Court".

In conceivably bad, both of 'em