When do children typically come to terms with mortality?

[TXlib]

My nearly-five-year-old daughter is having fear-of-death panic attacks.

Three weeks ago she was terrified of the thought of Mommy dying, and I heard her ask my wife last night, "Mommy, why does God make people die? I don't want to die!"

Is this normal?

[wtmusic]

1. Let me know

this 46-year-old kid hasn't either

[TrogL]

2. This is normal

Let her talk it out.

Reassure her that nobody around her is planning on kicking it right this moment and that she's healthy.

Eventually she may fess up what's really bothering her. Talking to her teacher might help - maybe something came up at school (eg. classmates issues).

[TXlib]

3. Don't you think that expressing fear of death might just be that?

Realisation that life will end someday?

[salib]

4. What does it mean to die?

THe concept of a conscience, a soul, and ego, is a very Judeo-Christian idea. Another question to ask yourself is what do you want to teach her. Fear of death is often fear of the loss of self or another "self".

[solinvictus]

5. When they mutilate their first pet...

Oh, I'm sorry, I was thinking of Bill Frist.

[GreenPartyVoter]

6. Normal, my 6 year old is concerned about death now.. 4 year old is still

pretty clueless. Shows the massive difference between those two ages. *s*

Since we follow a Christian faith tradition, I reassure my older one that when he dies he will be in heaven with everyone he loves. (Hubby, being a stricter Christian, thinks not everyone gets in there, but me I believe all are saved)

[Khephra]

7. I was 7

and the Manson murders were all over the air. Warp me? Maybe.

[BurtWorm]

8. I think it's normal.

My daughter went through a very similar thing at about the same age. She had to whisper a wish that her mother would be safe until she saw her again every time they separated for well over a year. This came about right after she herself had a nasty accident on the playground that resulted in her requiring about ten stitches in her upper lip. She was about to turn five.

[derrald]

9. I had the same thing happen to me when I was 3

Realised it was possible for me to die at the age of 6, so I had a mid-life crisis right then and there

Started getting all the red convertible matchboxes, dated girls half my age - they didnt talk much...


Come to think of it, those might have been the best relationships I ever had.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

10. I did that last spring.

I freaked out thinking about what happens after we die. I've lost a lot of people, and just had a serious panic attack. I'm sorry your five year old is going through this. It's scary for a 25 year old to handle, I can't imagine a 5 yo. Just hug her and make her feel safe. I'm guessing this is normal. They don't cover this stuff in Child Development. Wish I could help.
Duckie

[Gryffindor_Bookworm]

11. For what it's worth....

I have a bachelor's degree in early childhood development and am a thesis shy of a master's in child psychology.

"Normal" is a cycle on a washing machine. It has no meaning in real life, IMHO.

If you can, find out what caused the fear. Did she see Bambi or Old Yeller or some other movie with a death? That can be terrifying for a child who doesn't understand that TV isn't reality. You may need to limit her television/movie consumption more. Video is such a powerful medium. It imprints itself in the mind, especially the minds of children.

What do you mean by "panic attacks" ? If she has some kind of sensory disturbance (i.e., night terrors or imagining the ceiling falling in on her or something like that) you may wish to consult a professional. If you mean she becomes suddenly anxious and upset, then I would suggest that you pick her up and hold her. (Try to feel her pulse when you do that -- if it's racing, that's another sign that it's serious enough that you may need to consult a professional). Reassure her briefly (a few minutes, nothing more) and then distract her with some other activity.

What you want to avoid (and the reason I said "briefly" above) is making these panic attacks an event that disrupts the whole family or becomes the focus of an entire morning or evening. That may make it difficult for her to let go of them when she's ready, because she'll fear losing the attention, on some unconscious level.

I don't know what your religious background is or what you and your wife have decided to teach her about the afterlife, but I think I remember reading that you are a humanist? If she's genuinely distressed, then the story of heaven where everyone is happy and no one gets sick or dies may bring her some comfort (in much the same way that Santa Claus brings some happiness to Christmas, or the tooth fairy makes it less upsetting to have loose teeth -- I am not pleading with you to indoctrinate her).

Just some thoughts.

[TXlib]

16. well.

I am an agnostic atheist (i.e. -- I don't believe in god, but I don't believe than can be no god.)

The panic attacks are mild and infrequent. She cries, and we reassure her it won't happen for a long time. My wife is a liberal christian, so I let her deal with the religious stuff. I won't compromise my ideals in what I tell her, but I haven't come up with a reassuring talk from an atheist standpoint yet.

She's seen all the disney movies. She's seen Bambi. She hasn;'t seen Charlotte's Web, yet, which seems to be a story that gets the questions going.

[curse10]

12. I still have difficulty with it-

my grandfather died when I was 5. I was so upset. I was at the wake, and crying (I cried a lot) and some stupid woman came up to me and said, "Don't worry honey. He's in heaven now." Even at that age heaven wasn't comforting to me. I retorted, "I don't want him in heaven! I want him here with me!"

My younger brothers had no clue what was going on and didn't pay attention during the funeral service. I was so mad at them. I didn't understand how I could realize that grandpa was gone forever and they were content playing with their hotwheels in a corner of the church.

I still miss my grandpa. Fuck. I'm tearful right now. And I get upset when I hear about people dying- even when I don't know them. I probably need to get some help.

[ScreamingMeemie]

13. Totally normal..

Our almost 6 year old son is very worried that one of us will die...and he also expresses the desire to not grow any older as well. I think it's completely normal.

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

18. My nine year old daughter

keeps saying she doesn't want to enter fourth grade next month because that means she has to keep growing up and she doesn't want to grow up because then she'll have to "get a job and pay taxes!!!" That's her big worry, LOL!

[flamingyouth]

14. For what it's worth, I was obsessed with death as a child

Of course, I was then and am still far from normal. Has anyone around her died recently - relative or pet? Or a friend's relative? Sometimes that can set them off.

At my husband's funeral, I had a humanist chaplain speak, and he said some wonderful things about how we need to enjoy our time here and make the most of it. I wish I could remember word for word what he said, because it was very helpful and comforting. I was a bit distracted that day, as you can imagine.

Good luck to you.

[Deja Q]

15. For me, fully at age 32...

I still didn't get it when grandpa died 15 years ago.

Or my favorite grandma 3 years ago, though I did cry (I knew it happened, I was just naive about the whole concept on a personal level).

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

17. You never know

my normally VERY unfearful nine year old suddenly became very fearful lately and we couldn't figure it out until she told us her friend told her about some break in she heard about where the whole family was killed. So I had to tell her how statistically unlikely it was that anyone would do that to us and go into details about how the alarm system worked, etc.

It seems to have helped. She still keeps asking me if I locked the door, though.

Keep her talking, find out where this is coming from, reassure her.

Yeah we all die eventually but there's no reason for a five year old to go around stressing about it. It's completely normal for her age, though.