Ever been so angry you didn't know what to do?

[Bertha Venation]

Since I started dieting, irrational emotions I've controlled for years by stuffing my face have begun surfacing. I flit between uncontrollable sadness and uncontrollable rage. (If you don't want to read this whole thing, that's fine, but do skip to the end and, if you've ever experienced this, answer the questions if you like.)

Today's rage episode was the worst so far. It was set off by two events, both of which happened near my house. We live in a semi-rural area, and the only access to our street is a narrow two-lane road, bordered primarily by thick forested bands. The speed limit on the 1.5 mile stretch that leads to our house is 30 MPH. I rarely, if ever, exceed 33-35 MPH, for several reasons: 1. critters come bounding out from both sides -- usually frogs, rabbits, squirrels, fox, deer, and at night, raccoons & cats. If I'm going too fast, I won't be able to stop. 2. People live here -- most are off the road quite deep, but a few are right on the road. They have pets and children, and one driveway is completely blind to traffic heading south. 3. It's the law.

In the first event, the one that set the bomb's timer to ticking, a woman who was following me too closely (it happens frequently, and it pisses me off) decided at a straight stretch to pass me on the left. I actually like it when they do that -- gets 'em off my ass. But this woman, apparently put out that I'd begun to go even more slowly, ignored that my left turn signal was on as I was going onto my street. If I didn't see her start to pass, she would've t-boned me.

In the second event, Mrs. V. was in the car with me. A young man in a brand new Scion actually was not following dangerously close, but he had been gesturing impatiently at me for several hundred feet before I slowed to make my turn. As I did so, he leaned on his horn and didn't let up until he was well down the road. (Mrs. V. leaned out and flipped him the bird. I love that woman.) Who knows, with him, it could've been my bumper stickers instead of my impeding his all-important progress. But this was the detonator.

I parked in the garage. Mrs. V. went out to get the mail, and I took advantage of her brief absence to kick the shit out of a 40-lb box of cat litter. When we got upstairs, Daddy the cat, in his routine begging for whatever food we may've brought in, got on the end of my last frazzled nerve and I shouted "MOVE!" As all he usually gets is a milquetoast, "get down, Daddy," this somewhat startled the boy -- and all the other cats. At that point I realized I was over the edge, and went into the bathroom to cry and hyperventilate until it passed. And it took its god-damned sweet time passing. This is about forty-five minutes ago already, and I'm only just now coming down.

That I must call my psychiatrist (and find a therapist) is a given. My question to you, my friends, is this: have you ever been so angry that you could barely contain it, could barely control yourself? And, if so, what did you do to get it out of your system -- that is, what actions do you take so that don't hurt anyone?

Looking for commiseration, not sympathy, and some good coping ideas. Thanks, all.

[Mr.Green93]

1. mine went away when I quit caffeine

used to call the "Donald Duck" moments...

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

2. Yep.

I get food stamps. One day I used the card to pay for some food in the store. Some idiot woman in the store started on me. Nastily. For being on food stamps.

Closest I ever came to taking someone out with a punch to the throat.

I got out of there and went to talk with friends.

[Bertha Venation]

4. Been there.

It's very hard. I'm sorry you're in that place -- but even sorrier that you have to face that kind of bullshit ignorance and confrontation. What an asshole that woman is.

To talk with friends is an excellent idea, a great way to cope. Thanks.

[Gryffindor_Bookworm]

3. I've lost 70 pounds in the last two years.

I've kept the weight off for one year and am happy and comfortable at my goal weight.

I know *exactly* what you are feeling, because the same thing happened to me. I would be willing to lay money on you having childhood abuse and/or sexual assault issues. (Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I highly doubt that I am.)

What happens is that when we don't want to feel something, we eat. But with that food, we ingest the feelings, and when the food stays on our bodies, the feelings do, too.

The only way out......is through. You are going to have to feel angry for awhile. There's no way around it.

Here are some things that worked for me:

1. A punching bag. Use wraps on your wrist so you don't hurt yourself.
2. Remembering that people are NOT pressure cookers. There is no point of emotion where you will just explode. Sometimes, I would just sit in a chair, with my hands under my thighs, and shake.
3. Stream-of-consciousness writing. Don't re-read it. Just write until your hand hurts (longhand, not typing!) and shove it in a drawer. I've recently re-read some of mine, and it's frightening. Entire pages of "God damn that fucking son of a cuntbag whore! I swear, if I could do it and not go to jail I would snap his neck and pour battery acid down the stump!" But writing it out helped me metabolize it, to extend a metaphor.
4. Therapy.

Good luck!

Dawn

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

8. BINGO!!!

Punching! Kicking! Sweating! Endorphins!!!

Bertha, dahling, hie and fie thyself to a dojo. Get in shape, learn something useful and feel good about yourself.

If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'.

[bo44]

32. great advice Tandalayo

:thumbsup:

[Bertha Venation]

10. all excellent suggestions

I learned to employ # 2 and # 3 while in a psychiatric hospital 20 years ago, being treated for the results of the very abuse you mention. Big surprise.

I have a fabulous therapist. She saved my life those many years ago. Trouble is, she decided to stay in California when I moved to Maryland 4 years ago. I've dragged my feet in finding another. Frankly, I have healed from the abuse to the point of forgiving them all. I've been very well for several years. But now that I can't eat the feelings anymore . . . you know the rest.

Thanks, Dawn, a whole lot. And welcome to DU.

[Gryffindor_Bookworm]

44. It may be this...

....if you are healed to the point of forgiving them all, it may be that it's time for you to forgive yourself.

That has been the hardest for me. I have to forgive myself for having been what I was -- a child who was, as children are, unable to protect myself. For being weak and needful.

Of course, all children are these things, but I've spent years hating myself for it anyway.

Forgive yourself for that, and the weight will come off. I promise.

Grace, blessings, and peace to you and Mrs. V.

:hug:

[Marvelous_Smarty]

16. I agree with the heavy bag.

Mine gets kicked and struck more out of rage than as part of my work out.

A few wheelies on my motorcycle have a calming effect, though they tend to piss off the rest of my neighborhood.

[Gryffindor_Bookworm]

19. I got one for $40 at a used sporting goods store.

Fill up the base with water and the bag goes on top. Wraps and boxing gloves (used) were another $25 or so. I gave them to a friend's teenage son not long ago.

BEST $65 I've ever spent. Go down to the basement angry, come up tired and emotionally centered. Funny how that works.

[VOX]

26. Amen to the heavy bag. Punch away until you can't even lift your arms!

It transforms all the anger/aggression into a healthy, physical expression. Plus you get a great workout letting loose.

I've got a routine that I use at the gym: Pull the heavy bag out into the middle of the studio floor, and pick four points around it, like on a compass. Starting from one of these points, I move into the bag and give it 10-12 solid punches/combinations. Then, I back off to the next point on the compass, moving up and down on the balls of my feet for about 10 seconds. Then I move into the bag again, etc.

After about 20 solid minutes of this, the sweat is flooding, the heart rate is good and elevated, and my mind has cleared up.

Highly recommended.

[Bertha Venation]

29. dang. sounds like what I needed to do

when all I could do was kick the cat litter.

Tell me, Rezmutt, how many times have you done this as the baseball season has gone on? :( O8)

[Bertha Venation]

28. so, is this one of those hanging teardrop-bag thingys, or is it

the giant cylinder that hangs from the ceiling? I think I'd get better use out of the latter.

[Gryffindor_Bookworm]

30. It has a black base made out of hard plastic.

It looks....well, it looks a little like an erect penis. :shrug: A large, round base and then a long shaft that points up. Empty, it's very light. You bring it home and fill the base up with water. It gets so heavy that it might as well be made of steel. Then the red punching bag itself slides on top of the shaft like...well....like a condom. :o

I'm sorry! I swear I'm not perverted! That's just what it looks like! :shrug:

I like it better than the hanging ones because you can punch and kick with your whole body and are less likely to get injured. If you're punching upward, you're more likely to sprain or strain something.

[Bertha Venation]

34. Well then, it's a good we're not of the much-imagined "man-hater" sect

otherwise we could never allow such a thing into our house. ;) But it sounds like a necessary addition to the basement gym (which so far contains an elliptical trainer, free weights, and tremendous billows of dust).

[Droopy]

5. I used to have quite a temper

I always contained it, though. When somebody would piss me off I would wait until I was alone and then I would let it all out. I used to get so angry that my face would turn red and I would grind my teeth. And it could be over little things, too. One time a guy cut in ront of me as I was waiting in line to pay for gas. I didn't say anything or do anything at the time. But when I cgot out to my truck Icould not contain myself. I screamed, "FUUUUUUUUUCK," at the top of my lungs. People outside at the fuel pumps turned and stared at me until I pulled out of there.

I rarely get angry anymore, and if I do it's just for a minute or so and none of the high blood pressure stuff like before. It's been that way since I started taking psychiatric drugs for a mental illness that I have.

[PopSixSquish]

6. Oh Honey, Been There Myself a Few Times

When you see that blinding white light in front of your eyes. I usually try to go for a walk or listen to some soothing music.

What kind of diet are you on? Are you getting enough vitamins? B-50 is especially good for ones nerves.

At this point, I'd try to relax with a good book or movie and a nice dinner. It would probably be a good idea to indulge in a little something extra like your favorite pasta. Going off your diet for one meal isn't going to hurt unless you've been told not to by a doctor.

And talking to a therapist is a good idea. Sometimes you don't even realize what's bothering you until you start talking. And your buddies at DU are here also.

:grouphug:

[Bertha Venation]

11. "your buddies at DU are here also" -- which is why I brought it here

Thanks, Pop. (And maybe that movie should be "Chicago," haven't seen it for a while. ;))

[PopSixSquish]

13. That or Any Movie Musical

I find that start singing along and poof* bad mood gone!

[Bertha Venation]

14. well, in that case . . .

you can like the life you're living
you can live the life you like
you can even marry Harry
but mess around with Ike . . . .

or

seventy-six trombones led the big parade
with a hundred and ten cornets close at hand . . . .

or

five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
five hundred twenty-five thousand moments to plan . . . .

or

poor young rich boy
masturbates for a vaudeville tart
what a waste of a fiery heart -- here
(he thought she said)
poor young bourgeois
there are things that you've never thought
come to Emma and you'll be taught . . .

or

the days were gently tinted
lavender, pink, lemon and lime
ladies with parasols
fellows with tennis balls
there were gazebos
and there were no Negroes
and everything was ragtime . . .

it works! You rock.

[jukes]

40. bertha, you're bad!

but ain't renee hot?

[Bertha Venation]

45. she is . . . but not as hot as CZJ in that movie.

. . . day-um. She could murder me any day. ;)

[rhubarb]

7. Sure have

There have been a few times when my anger got so out of control also.

I was talking with my friend, a mom of two toddlers, and she was telling me how she's come up with some creative solutions to parenting. She's even writing a book. One of her methods is mood cards. When the kids are angry, pouty, mad, etc., they get to pick a card of the mood deck and try to be that mood for a few minutes. Afterwards, they're calm enough to talk about what made them mad. I thought: heck! I need that.

Also, there's a new form of therapy that is gaining ground: the dialectical technique. It basically helps people deal with their emotions. When you're angry for instance, the technique is supposed to help you just let the storm pass without taking action. Just let it pass. You're trained to sit in mindfulness of your feelings.

OTOH, please look at your diet. Food has such an effect on the body, both physically and mentally, and maybe you are unintentionally depriving yourself of something your body really needs.

[Bertha Venation]

12. Your friend is very creative.

I guess with two toddlers, you have to be or you'll go insane.

I take my diet very seriously -- I have to: it's very expensive, and my health and quality of life are suffering under 120 lbs of fat. So I will be sure to check with the nutritionist on my next visit to see if I'm maybe not getting enough of something.

thanks :hi:

[Gryffindor_Bookworm]

21. To further the toddlers idea a bit...

you may have tried this before, but if not, give it a chance. It's so deceptively simple that it seems counter-intuitive.

The next time you're in a rage, try to say to yourself (or get your partner -- please tell me if you prefer a different term -- to say to you), "Bertha, you're feeling anger."

Say it three or four times and you will calm down. The overwhelming TRUTH of your whole existence at that moment goes from the:

:nuke: ABSOLUTE JUSTICE IT WOULD BE IF THAT SON OF A BITCH WERE TO DROP DEAD!!! :nuke:


to


The fact that Bertha, a valuable human being who is entitled to feel however she feels, is experiencing an intense emotion.


The latter is much easier to handle. :D

[Bertha Venation]

33. you're so sweet

"Partner" is fine. :)

I think in time I can adopt this strategy. Today, it would have been very, very bad for Mrs. V. (kpharmer here at DU, BTW) to try to say anything soothing. I would've lashed out at her. It doesn't help. She did the best thing she could do, though. She went into the bathroom while I was crying and trying not to hurt myself and rubbed my back. Her presence helped a bit and I must remember to tell her that. I think I didn't hit the wall because she was there.

(I really did want to nuke the asshole, though. Think if I work out on the beat-up bag enough, I'll someday be able to grab such a person by the shirt-front, lift him off the ground, and say, "Do you realize you're being an asshole?" ;))

[Gryffindor_Bookworm]

36. I can't wait for the fascists to get out of office.

Once all people be they lesbian, gay, straight, bisexual, transgender, or whatever else have equal rights, then language won't be such a problem. I read Deb Price's book where she advocates "lovemate," but some of my gay male friends use "husband," others use "partner," and the ones I make fun of ;-) say "boyfriend." (After 22 years, he's not your boyfriend anymore! I'm sorry! A boyfriend is what a 12 year old girl who sits with some cute boy in study hall has!) :D

Language on this issue drives me crazy. I never know what to say. :crazy:

Good luck to you, Bertha! (Oh, I just figured out your name! Very cute!) :yourock:

[Bertha Venation]

37. She is my beloved.

We don't use "wife" because of the negative connotation it holds in both our minds. Most of my men friends call their beloveds "husband." There's partner, mate, life partner, etc. If I am speaking with the clueless, I say usually say "partner." If that "did she just say what I think she said" look crosses the person's face, I will actually use her name -- "you know, Kathy, my partner" -- so there can be no doubt.

You don't have to worry about what to say. Most folks are easygoing enough not to be bent if you say something "wrong."

One thing's for sure: we are married. We just need our government to catch up and stop allowing us to be marginalized.

[Marvelous_Smarty]

18. What happens if she pulls out a RAGE or Hulk Card?

[Bertha Venation]

25. Um . . . quite obviously,

there would be no "rage" or "Hulk" card.

But I hesitate to say "duh" to a newbie. ;)

[Bertha Venation]

50. should've gone w/ my instincts & said "duh"

didn't take long for "smarty" to get the tombstone. :eyes:

[SOteric]

Yes, I've been overwhelmingly, irrationally angry

the details of which are personal and upsetting still.

What I have found most helps me to control and vent my anger is something you started and something the body naturally gravitates toward: muscle relief. Hit something - pillows, bags of litter, a punching bag, whatever. Or go running, pump iron, beat rugs, anything to get your aggression out physically and in a productive way. I'm not talking yoga and tai chi, really find something that you can focus your emotions on and move your body.

When I'm spent physically, I free-write. (That's where you write or type everything that comes into your mind as fast as it comes in to your mind without editing.) There's often some really good information in the resulting verbal smorgasbord.

[Bertha Venation]

15. thanks so much

I appreciate your stepping up here.

I was indeed naturally inclined to hit something. First I kicked the cat litter box, but then, when I locked myself into the bathroom, it took all I had not to hit the wall. Mrs. V. tried to help, but, bless her heart, there's really nothing she could do. She suggested the batting cage, but, as I told her, I was afraid to drive (she doesn't drive). I suspect she was tempted to call the padded wagon, and I wouldn't have blamed her. But the last thing I need is a 72-hour hold, so I'm glad she didn't.

I feel really bad about her right now. It's not fair to her to have to put up with this. I warned her it would be like this, and she said she can handle anything. I'm going to have to take her at her word.

Anyway, thanks, SO.

[MuseRider]

9. Yes.

I was raised in a family where the only emotion that was really allowed was anger and boy did I learn how to use it. I eventually taught myself how to cool it down. You can do it and it sounds like you are partway there. Since this is not your usual state you already have a clue where it comes from. When you see it begin think of something that can defuse it at least to the point that you can sit down and breath. I am a little thing and have put my fist through walls and kicked holes in doors over things like my hair not looking just right. Over the last 30 years I have made myself a regular human, the anger is there but I know why and how to deal with it. Get started now. Do not blame yourself. A therapist would be helpful but start right now finding a place in your mind where you can find peace. Good luck to you. I have to leave but if I can be of help PM me. I will be back here in a couple of hours. :hug:

[Bertha Venation]

17. thank you

is all I can say. Just, thank you. :hug:

I wish I had friends here. The only people I know and trust well enough to call 'em up and say, "I'm having a lousy day, please pick me up and let's go for coffee" all live in Southern California. Surely part of my problem is that I've made no friends out here. :eyes:

[VoteDemocratic2004]

20. Don't weigh yourself ever

If your clothes get too tight then cut down a bit or walk it off but don't ever step on a bathroom scales.

Bathroom scales were made by the devil and he put them out to drive people nuts.

Judge by your clothes and don't care about how others look in tight jeans or anything like that.

You need to look good for you and not anyone else.

I haven't weighed myself in over a year and I am as happy as a lark.

I fit in a size 10 jeans and I don't care about the "number" that i weigh. I have been so much happier since I stopped weighing myself.

Toss your scales out the window and be happy.

If you fit in one size that you feel good in then your doing good.

Sorry to rant I got caught up in the weight gaining/loosing bs years ago and I gave up weighing myself and I am a better person now.

[Gryffindor_Bookworm]

22. You're on to something here.

I went from size 20 to size 12. I had been heavy for so long that I didn't know what a healthy weight for me would be. I didn't have a number I wanted to get back to (what I weighed when I was 12, like some idiot friends of mine :eyes: or something like that).

So, I asked a few women I know who I considered to be attractive and who are generally healthy and able to play recreational sports and carry their own groceries upstairs, etc. and who (this is important, I think) were my height and approximately the same build (medium) what size they wore. They all said either 10 or 12. So I bought a pair of size 12 jeans and diet-and-exercised my way into them.

It was only later that I calculated the number (using my doctor's records for a starting point), mostly because people kept telling me how great I looked and asking "how much have you lost?"

There is no scale in my house, either. Good for you! :yourock:

[VoteDemocratic2004]

23. I hit rock bottom

When 5'X's were too small I started dieting and tossed my scales out.

It's that number that drives everyone nuts.

[Bertha Venation]

31. It's a great idea, about the weighing.

I never get on the scale at home, but I am weighed on my weekly checkups. This is a medical program and they keep very, very close watch on their patients. But as I learned today, they won't tell you if you've lost and how much you've lost unless you ask them. But you have to remember to close your eyes and tell the nurse not to say the number out loud when you get on the scale. That'll be a trick.

[VoteDemocratic2004]

38. I still hate going to the Doctor

I use to step on the scales back wards so that I didn't have to know what I weighed.

They don't have to weigh you every time unless you have a medical condition or you are going to them about weight control. I got to the point that I told them that I would sign a waiver so that I wouldn't have to be weighed and they stopped weighing me after that.

[flamingyouth]

24. Yes. Yes, I have.

You have a lot on your plate right now, and believe me, anything like this can just push you over the edge. I'm glad you have a relationship with a psychiatrist. Finding someone to talk to is a great first step. And remember, there is nothing wrong with feeling angry; it's a perfectly normal emotion.

You're dealing with your own health issues right now and you're maxed out. That other driver is a rude and inconsiderate idiot. For stress, I've found that yoga and meditation have really helped me.

Good luck to you, dear. You know you always have friends here for you.:hug:

[Bertha Venation]

27. yoga and meditation

Those are good suggestions, and I thank you, but I think those are beyond me right now. I can't concentrate for shit. *wan smile*

thank you, dear one :hug:

[flamingyouth]

35. Baby steps, baby steps

As the stupid cliche says, "Rome wasn't built in a day." At first, I could only sit still for a minute. But it was one minute when I could still my mind. Just give it a try. No matter what, just keep reinforcing the feeling that you're fine and that you're loved, because you are.:hug:

[VoteDemocratic2004]

42. Walk

As much as you can and the pounds will melt off. Plus don't worry about your weight because that will cause you to not loose weight. Why can't you stay at your present weight and forget about it.

You happiness is the most important thing and you don't need to worry about your weight unless it's doing harm to your health or preventing you from being active.

:hug:

[jukes]

39. Bertha

i concur *heavily* w/ Tandalayo_Scheisskopf.

been doing martial arts for years, great workouts & nmost valid schools teach anger mgmnt tech's that really work. you can't spar in anger, you'll lose & get your ass kicked. +, your next match is likely to be w/ sensei, who'll sting you good w/o injuring you.


if theirs a school in your area, go for it, g/f.

sugg you avoid korean arts (apologies to tkd/tsd stylists) as they emphasize very high kicks; not good for the not young or heavy.

also, avoid schools that require contracts; like aerobics gyms, they count onyou quitting so they can dun you & sign up another victim.

[Bertha Venation]

52. I've been curious about martial arts for years.

I began a karate class long ago, but quit after the first session because I was too shy and embarrassed to do anything. I couldn't even stand in ranks w/ the other students.

But I think I'd like to try again. Will any martial arts place take a 40+, shy, fat woman without derision?

[Kipepeo]

41. I have experienced the same irrational anger

While trying to quit smoking. It made me realize smoking was more than just a physical addiction; it was my emotional crutch....my main way of processing emotions. If I was happy, I would have a smoke. If I got mad, I would have a smoke and feel like I done something about it. If I was sad: smoke. Frustrated: smoke. Bored: smoke. etc.

Quitting made me an emotional train wreck for a while. It was like I was feeling things times 100. Anger was the hardest to know what to do with. Something small would happen, like an inconsiderate driver or a long line at the post office and suddenly, something that I would have previously been able to blow off, would make me so angry I'd want to deck someone. The anger was disproportionate to the event, overwhelming. What you're describing sounds to me exactly like what I was going through. They don't tell you how to handle *that* in your quitter's pamphlet. :)

The only thing I can say is that the longer I go without my 'crutch,' the more I get used to processing emotions naturally and I feel so much better on the whole. It will subside over time and level out.

edited to add: my only coping suggestion would be to tire yourself out. Take that anger and use it to jog for 20 or 30 minutes while listening to some of your favorite ass-kicking music. You'll feel so much better afterwards.

[NMDemDist2]

43. hey BerthaV

i have had years in a 12 step program and seen lots of people deal with the crap you've been handed. sounds like you have done a lot of the work already and congrats on that. OK that being said,

There another thing to consider such as when you lose weight, you are metabolizing any toxins that your body has stored away in fat cells. I had a dear friend who had those kind of rages and it turns out he had lead poisoning! so you may want to get a good toxicology report just to rule out any physical issues.

No matter how much emotional work you do, if you are toxic the symptoms won't change.

The dojo idea is also good. But be sure to chose one that stresses the mental as well as the physical, just doing more aggressive moves won't help when you are already dealing with rage issues

best luck and I can't wait to see some new pics of the leaner (less) meaner you :)

[Bertha Venation]

46. metabolizing stored toxins?!

holy crap!

AAAAAAHHHHHHHH *runs frantically for the tequila*

(just kidding)

[NMDemDist2]

47. tis no joke, could be a real issue

my friend was a wreck and a maniac from lead he absorbed in his job, but you can pick up stuff anywhere and store it for years and years...

[Bertha Venation]

48. wasn't making fun

My reaction was just, like, "well, shit. As if I don't have enough to deal with."

I'll ask the nutritionist about this on my next visit, on Friday.

[Missy Vixen]

49. Yes

The minute I started doing something about the food in my life, I started experiencing the same anger you describe. (The therapist calls it my "angry period".) I have gone from being the jolly, smiling fat girl to defending myself when I get handed crap people think I won't fight back over accepting. (Wow, are they shocked when one verbalizes that she won't play along...)

The only thing that gets me through is to stop, take some deep breaths, and realize that the only person responsible for my feelings is me. I'm also slowly weeding some fairly toxic people out of my life.

I hope it goes well for you. I'm so glad that you have a wonderful and supportive partner like Mrs. Venation. It makes all the difference.

Julie

[Bertha Venation]

51. reading your post, it just occurred to me

shit... I have to work with my boss while this is going on. God, that's a truly frightening prospect. And talk about toxic people -- but I can't weed this one out 'til I find a new job. This past week was the first on diet, and yesterday was the first really big explosion. My boss was on vacation last week, and I'm pretty sure I'll walk into a shitstorm tomorrow morning.

The first big explosion at work, I think, will come the first time the boss realizes that I won't be a doormat anymore. When I mess up at work I always acknowledge it, but my boss is too quick to blame me when she messes up, and I will not be able to absorb it anymore. I am quite familiar with the "easygoing fat girl" assumption; we make it true when we're weak because we mold ourselves to others' expectations of us. She expects me to take the hit when she knows she mucked up but she is not quite sure that I know I'm not at fault.

No more molding here. Won't she be surprised when I finally speak up in defense of myself. I did this a couple of weeks ago and she refused to accept it -- said, in effect, "no, you're wrong, YOU messed up." It's her problem now if she refuses to accept it.

Dang. This gives me a lot to think about before hitting the office tomorrow. Thank you for your post -- I doubt this would've occurred to me otherwise until I was smack in the middle of a confrontation, surprising myself by not backing down.

And thank you for your kind wishes. I'm going to have to point Mrs. V. to this discussion -- she needs to know she's taking good care of me.