I'm so lonely

[Mara Steele]

Just found out my prospective girlfriend and I have some very IRRECONCILIABLE beliefs...

Man, talk about a major-cooling off... :(

I don't know what's worse... the aching lust of unrequited love or the loneliness of none at all, either promised or recieved...

Well, time for bed soon. I'm FREE once again... tied to no one at all :cry:

[Rowdyboy]

1. There is an almost magical feeling to being totally uncommitted

And be very thankful you found out before you were seriously committed.

However, depending on the nature of the "IRRECONCILIABLE beliefs", you guys could still connect. Your "aching lust of unrequited love or the loneliness of none at all, either promised or recieved......" is quite beautiful. Thank you.

Being with the right person is the best alternative. Being with anyone else is not necessarily a good second choice. Take your time. I was 35 when I found my other half.

[Mara Steele]

5. Thanks, Rowdyboy

You're absolutely right... And thanks for the compliment... I owe the poetry it to Foster's Australian Lager, though :D

35 years old... That is still quite a while... But if the wait is worth it, I guess it is...

Damn, this girl was SWEET, though.

We might still connect... but I don't think it would be right...

Thanks for responding... it's late night loneliness all the way tonight :) :pals:

[Rowdyboy]

11. I had a great time before I met my partner...Life was good, I had friends,

I had occasional sex, I had lots of fun. But my life really started when I was 35; sex is fun but intimacy with the right person can be superb, beyond description.

Late night loneliness it is! And I think I'm about ready to let it send me to bed.

[Mara Steele]

15. But you won't go to bed alone...

You lucky guy w/Love :) :hi:..

Nice talking to you :)...sleep well! :boring:

[Rowdyboy]

20. Oh yes I will, sadly

I'll pm you the boring details.

[VoteDemocratic2004]

13. It's better to die alone

Then to die with a bastard or bitch that blames you for all of their problems.

I :puke: myself tonight and sure I will be lonely but it's better to be lonely then to have someone treat you like dirt.

[Mara Steele]

27. I'm sorry for your struggles,

You sound very unhappy. Please hang in there... Things WILL eventually get better.

Stick around, post a lot... There's support and love everywhere.

Am sending good vibes to you, my friend... :hug: :hug:

Mara

[Mara Steele]

2. But it's not like it's the end of the world

And I should lay off the Fosters Lager even though it's on sale...

I'm OK, pay no attention to me....

Much more important things going on...

Off to watch the news for a while... :boring: Then, beddy bye

[JohnKleeb]

3. about politics?

or what? sucks to know, I know that gay/lesbian can be just as conservative as us straights. I know what its like to be lonely, sometimes I feel all alone, and that Ive been abandoned.

[Mara Steele]

4. Naw, was about religion...

She's a strict Taiwanese Christian, I guess, where I am a very tolerant American Buddhist...

She just expressed her strong dislike of godless Buddhism and Buddhists to me...

Just when I was ready to plant a kiss on her cheek, I think

*sigh* :pals:

[JohnKleeb]

7. ahh that

religion can be overcome. Though I prefer a fellow Catholic though I dont plan to marry Catholic, I dont know, just knowing my family's history, I fear divorce, and dont know what to expect. At least shes not a right winger, its one of those things in love you must overcome, hope you resolve the differences. I admire buddhists but I like Catholicism a lot.

[Mara Steele]

9. I have a lot of respect for Christianity...

I just expect a partner to have the same respect for me and my beliefs...

I just have a very abstract concept of the spiritual, I guess, and all religions make sense to me in a certain philosophical context...

It is Buddhism I find the most affinity with, though, and it was upsetting to hear her comment and realize how intolerant she actually was of my beliefs...

Thanks, Kleeb. :pals:

[JohnKleeb]

17. Thanks, I have hte same for buddism

I once actually was an agonstic leaner, I got really pissed how some local Catholics acted, it was a stupid and immature thing to do, I am not dissing agnostics and athiests but the only reason why I said FU to christianity was a bad observation, I really listened to my grandparents, Catholics and my key political infleunce and it helped me become more spirtural. She'll learn with time Mara, as Ive grown more tolerant with age about other things as well.

[Mara Steele]

22. You are a smart & wise 1, Mr. Kleeb

Being spiritual and caring is the point of all religion, I think...

Great that you have wonderful, spiritual grandparents and political role models...

I think you will do something great for the world...

:yourock:

[JohnKleeb]

25. my parents I think are closet agonstics heh or even athiests

my brothers and I were reluctantly baptized. I dont plan to do much, my dreams are simple, to write, find someone that shares my loves, go to college, and maybe retire in Ireland. I would like to do that.

[Mara Steele]

26. Sounds wonderful, John...

It's the thoughtful people who end up influencing the world the most...

Keep writing, that's such a great and noble pursuit. The gift of rhetoric, persuasiveness, objectivity...

And simple dreams are the easiest to pursue and carry out w/FLAIR... you can put your ALL into a simple dream and make it come true, in the most magical way...

In many ways, we are a lot alike, I think... :)

[POed_Ex_Repub]

24. I'm a Deist married to a Roman Catholic

It can work, love overcomes the darndest things.

[Mara Steele]

33. Some of the responses to this thread

Have certainly given me some hope...

I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing! :shrug:

I guess only time will tell... :hi:

I feel pretty annoyed w/her now, though

[bloodyjack]

38. what exactly is american buddhism anyway?

all I know is that mahayana "buddhism" is totally irreconcilable w/ theravadan buddhism. they are two different animals completely. and popular buddhism is irreconcilable w/ monastic buddhism.

there are probably hundreds of BUDDHISMS out there and I do wish a lot of them wouldn't be labeled so.

[Mara Steele]

40. I just meant, I am American by birth

and find a close affinity w/Buddhism.

I think Zen Buddhism and Taoism are actually my faves.

Monastic Buddhism, yep, a different animal entirely from what many folks
practice casually... I lived in a monastery type residence in Berkeley briefly
and can tell you, it is a very very strict and rigorously disciplined lifestyle...

Very hard for Westerners, especially...

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

54. Zut Alors!!!!

That sucks. Aw sweety - I'll send you some love - even if it is BOY love - its gotta be worth sumpin'!

:hug:

[Mara Steele]

74. No problem, boy love is cool

All my guy friends rock. :loveya:

Things are cool... It's no biggie... :-)

[VoteDemocratic2004]

16. I'm straight and we all have our problems

I am as lonely as one can get but the person that I left treated me like dirt.

[flamingyouth]

6. Mara, don't be lonely

Come down to Seattle - we'll have a good lunch sometime. My treat.:loveya:

[Mara Steele]

8. Aw, shucks!

Thanks, Lisa! I'd love it... You're so nice to me. :loveya:

I will be in the city on the 22nd, it turns out

If I could crash on my brother's boat, do you want to do lunch the next day?

Not sure how it will work out, but I think it will.

About the woman, I'm smiling again already...

I'm strong, it was just a bit of a shock :pals:

[flamingyouth]

10. I understand the shock

Been there. :eyes:

So sorry for you, believe me.

And, yes, let's have lunch. It would be most excellent! I'll be back from Portland then!

:D

[Mara Steele]

14. Oh, it's no big deal

But thank you. :pals:

Let's do that! We'll get it figured out in the next few weeks, then...

I'm excited, thanks!

Don't want to impose, though, so I'll gladly conform to your schedule. (I'm not back in school yet, and have a very flexible editing job)

Boy, everyone will be so jealous of me, getting to meet "the great FlamingYouth, that babe that ran over the Chicken Man...." :D

We'll have to take pictures. Maybe the Chicken Man can come, too:D

[flamingyouth]

19. Hey, I *almost* ran over him

Get your facts straight! :loveya::pals:

[Mara Steele]

29. HAHAHAHhah!!

You are so funny. I can't believe you ran over a CHICKEN MAN!!!

...And next, you will be meeting a lesbian for LUNCH!!!

You know where THOSE THINGS always go in David Lynch movies, don't you?? :D

(j/k!!!)

[flamingyouth]

31. I'm taking notes!

Just warning you - if you go to a movie one night and see something familiar, don't be alarmed! :evilgrin:

[Mara Steele]

32. I will wear a cowboy hat for you

We can hatch some crazy scheme to poke around in some suspicious house

I will dress like an exterminator to get in

Then we can go to some late nite opera...

It will be fun!

P.S. You won't believe what I found out in the field by my house the other day!

:evilgrin:

[flamingyouth]

34. LOL

We're going to have a lunch for the ages, Mara! :pals:

[Mara Steele]

37. We will probably slip into some alternate dimension

No one will ever see us again. Except, they will...

Only it won't be the people we used to know. Except, we'll think they are...

Oh, well... I think you get the drift :pals:

You still awake? :hi:

[flamingyouth]

52. No, I had gone to bed then

But I'm awake now! I bet you're impressed - it's 1 in the afternoon! I take my life very seriously.;)

[Mara Steele]

57. Very impressed!

Actually, am really glad to hear you're getting good rest... :pals:

Myself, I fell asleep by 1, & slept til 9 or so when the dog woke me up to go out...

Well, I'll see ya around!

M.

[VoteDemocratic2004]

12. I purged my life of a negative force tonight

When you keep getting put down by someone and they keep blaming you for their problems it's time to say Adios Amigos.

[Mara Steele]

18. Not really the situation...

More like... the romance was just beginning, it was exciting and beautiful, and then I found out we had a major impossible difference that shattered the fantastic illusion of mutual adventure and bonding that was building in my mind...

Oh well... There are too many fish in the sea, as the song goes... :)

[VoteDemocratic2004]

21. I still love him dearly

I can't take the abuse any more. I would prefer to be alone then to be with someone that treats me like I don't exsists?.

I am so lonely and It may not be the same situation but the loneliness is there.

:hug:

[Mara Steele]

23. I'm so sorry... Didn't mean to exclude you at all

Pull up a chair, friend...
I'm very sorry for your pain, and for the abuse you've endured...

My problems aren't NUTTIN' compared to yours. :(

Good luck, my friend... Stay safe and sane... :hug: :pals:

[Salviati]

28. Both get old after a while...

But after far too long of either of them, I'd be up for some kind of relationship that I know doesn't really have a future. I've got no illusions that it would make me any happier, but at least I'd have some new things to be unhappy about... :-)

[Mara Steele]

30. This post

is puzzling to me... Is it a koan? :D

Hmm... maybe too late at night... I'll try to understand in the morning... :hi:

[tcfrogs]

35. Best of luck

All I can say...:)

[Mara Steele]

36. Thanks!

I'm touched, really, by all the response I am getting here.

It's not a big deal. Just life. I've had my heart broken worse before, actually

Peace to you all... I'm heading out to take a walk under the stars

[tcfrogs]

39. My best to you

[Mara Steele]

41. Thank you

I'm feeling pretty well, actually...

Life is so weird. :D

[jukes]

42. Mara

i'm so very sorry. i had very high hopes for you, and am deflated by this turn.

have a budhug for solace: :hug:

your day will come, dear. you're too sweet a person not to be loved.


if i was a girl, rather than a cat-loving girlie-man, & 20 years younger, i'd be on you like a fly on muscara!

i'll watch for posts, PM if you need to talk.

[Mara Steele]

49. Thanks, jukes!

You're so sweet, I liked your PM, (but you have a real cop/sailor's mouth, lol :D)

It's *REALLY* no tragedy... We've only known each other for less than a week, and she'll be gone by the end of summer, anyway...

I just had that lonely late-night thing going on pretty seriously last night, lol. :-)

I will be just fine!

..though I do appreciate the support! :hi: :pals:

[jukes]

59. oh, how i know

those late night blues! glad you're feeling better!

[Mara Steele]

69. Thank you!

So much better... Will get back to you soon.. :hi:

[LynneSin]

43. well, you're tied to us

if that helps any

:loveya:

[Mara Steele]

63. LynneSin

It's great to hear that... :loveya:

[SarahB]

44. We love ya!

I hear you. I don't even know how I feel these days. I feel like my whole future rests in the next year of deciding exactly what I can and can't live with in my future. Do I stay with a man I care for deeply, who loves me very much and has made a big effort over this past year to take care of many problems he had but doesn't seem to quite get this very core level of who I am? Or do I take a chance of perhaps never finding someone who does again (doesn't happen often to say the least)? I'm not getting any younger and getting out of this isn't easy. Maybe it really doesn't get better than this anyway. Sometimes I think leaving is so selfish, I'm disgusted with myself, but then I think staying is taking the path of fear and settling for less than who I am and what I want from a relationship. Not easy. Not easy at all.

There is something worse I think that either of these things. The f*cking Greek tragedy of something requited and amazing cut short because of the realities and complications of life. That's what I try not to think about when I'm alone with my thoughts.

[Mara Steele]

62. Follow your heart, Sarah...

If someone doesn't appreciate you/can't help you grow then you're stuck in a rut...

I've never been married but have heard a lot of tough stories from women in situations like your own...

Good luck... I only wish the best for you and your young ones...

& Thanks so much... :pals:

Love ya, too! :hi: :loveya:

[SarahB]

77. Thanks.

I don't know what the future will bring, but in my heart I think I've always known we weren't right for each other, but circumstances and not listening to my gut kept sinking me deeper and deeper until it's so deep, I have to dig my way out. I will though even if it takes awhile and even if he doesn't understand. He deserves a woman who can fully love and complement who he is just as much as I deserve a man who can do the same for me. I may end up alone for a long time. I may end up alone for a short time. I don't know. I do know that I don't want to wake up one day and I'm an old woman who lived an entire life that was untrue to myself, knowing truths I ignored for years and years. Just settling until my heart is all but dead. I almost felt that way for a long time, but my inner spirit is strong enough that it just wouldn't quite let that happen completely. I've had glimpses of better things, so I know it's possible. I know I'm not dead inside. I also understand the honesty of my character and what I want really from my life.

There's a Winnie the Pooh movie where Christopher Robin is talking to Pooh and in he says:

"You're braver than you believe. Stronger than you seem. And smarter than you think."

As silly it may sound, these are words to remember for all those times we can all feel down, depressed or less than the value that we really are. Anyway, thank you and I hope you don't mind my little rantings again, but sometimes it's kind of therapeutic. :)

[AVID]

45. at least you had THE BIG DAWG tonight

or hillary if you're into that too

[Mara Steele]

50. Ha, ha

Yeah, the convention sounds wonderful. I will tune in today, I had to work until the evening yesterday and then had my date w/the troublesome gal pal... :-)

The Big Dawg rocks, so does Hillary... :loveya:

[johnnie]

46. Sorry to hear this

But, be careful what you ask for...it might happen.
I have had women tell me that they couldn't be with me because I too am a follower of Eastern beliefs and the non-Christian thing scares them. I am not anti-Christian though, but they didn't get it.
But loneliness isn't really part of my world these days. Once in a while I would like to have someone to yap with, but other than that I do take my spirituality as it is and realize that I am in the place I am in because...I just am. I don't worry too much about it, it all will work out the way it will work out and forcing anything in life usually ends up a mess.

[Mara Steele]

60. Johnnie... I like your sentiment a lot, thank you...

That's how I feel most of the time, too, to be honest...

I just love so many folks simply as friends and family, that I wonder sometimes why that alone doesn't satisfy me, and if it is a mistake that I feel I must go out looking for additional romantic love...

It certainly seems that friendship and familial love are just so much more reliable, lasting and pure...

I am often skeptical these days about my carnal nature because it seems to care very little for people's minds and spirits, & only for their bodies...

Which doesn't seem very humane at all, to me... It actually strikes me as something very similar to cannibalism, at times... :D

Oh, well, maybe I was destined for the monastery, after all. :-)

[jukes]

47. kickin'

for my bud!

can't think of any1 more deserving of a love-bond.


:kick:

[Mara Steele]

48. Thanks, guys!

You're all so sweet (& thanks for all the PMs, too :loveya:)

It's really all gonna be okay -- Just a big disappointment is all.
Had a lot of big dreams built up, you know .... :)

But who knows? Maybe we'll get an interesting conversation out of it, anyway.
I'm not really into sweeping things under the rug, and she is pretty easy to talk to.

I'm not really afraid at all of these kinds of issues. It could be fun, even!

We hadn't discussed religion prior to this, so I don't think she realized she was attacking mine.

I am re-reading Hahn's "Living Buddha, Living Christ" for the occasion...

A good read, I recommend it a great deal. :)

[Westegg]

51. Ms. Steele, you're never alone with unrequited love...

...'Tis a constant companion. It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved, and all them other cliches. Life is love and life is loss. Life is joy, life is suffering. Life is NOT emptiness or loneliness. So things didn't work out. It happens. Carry on, move on, your heart and soul will be rewarded in time. I have faith and confidence in you. Frankly, you're too damn young to be in a funk about this for too long. I know it's painful now, but you will transcend this to yet greater gardens of unearthly delights.

I don't regret a single love affair that caused me pain. Each one taught me something. (Yeah, it once took me 10 years to get over one heartbreak. I didn't say it was easy.) You, Mara, are a special person. You will find happiness.

Adoringly,

Westegg

[Mara Steele]

56. Hey Westegg,

As usual, sir, you serenade me with your gorgeous and enlightened sentiment.... :hi:

Thanks so much; adore you as well!! :yourock: :loveya: :pals:

Everything's just fine, though... It was just a real disappointment, + the middle of the night, + at the end of a few beers...

It's too bad I don't write lesbian country music... I could have a sure hit by now! :D

[Westegg]

58. Took me a while to figure out "Mara Steele" was YOU...

...I thought it was some groovy new superhero comic-book chick. Hey sister, I know all about the middle of the night and the end of a few beers. It all looks better in the morning. That's why we keep waking up!

Hearing from you has made my day. My best to you.

Westegg

[Mara Steele]

61. Thanks! (looks like we just lost our sig lines again...)

I was just thinking about you and planning to write, let you know my new name...

It's the real thing, too...

Well, I think hearing from you has made MY day... so I guess we're even... :hi:

Take care, friend! :pals:

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

53. Oh Mara - what happened?

Was it the whole orientation thing?

[Mara Steele]

55. Naw, was about religion

She's very anti-Buddhist

See here...http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x1454790#1454818

It's no biggie, I'm over it already. Just a disappointment, is all.

:pals:

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

79. Well - much love

Hey - if you're not uncomfortable, tell me about your Buddhism (A. - this is not an attempt to convert - I love Buddhism!! B. - I believe all religions and spiritualities are compatible!!)


Frankly - I just want to talk to your fly ass self :) And I say that in such the harmless way!!! :)

[Donkeyboy75]

64. I'd take loneliness, personally.

I've been there too, Mlle Boppin. Just try to enjoy the benefits of being, as you put it, free. There are always patches of green on the other side of the fence. :hi:

[Mara Steele]

70. Yeah, me too...

Or solitude, anyway, as loneliness implies a kind of dissatisfaction.

I'm very happy for my peaceful solitude and all my great friends, too....

Thanks, & things are fine w/me... Hope that is true w/ you, too.

:pals: :hi:

[Misunderestimator]

65. Haven't read the whole thread... but don't fret so much, Mara...

I've been in too many relationships to count, though only a FEW major ones. At 42 I have only now finally felt that I've found someone who completely meshes with me... and it was worth the wait. If you look at life as a series of lessons, and enjoy those lessons as much as possible, and let go of people who are not right for you for... you will find that even the "bad" ones and even the unrequited loves make a lot of sense.

I won't say that it doesn't ache... it does. Just get yourself out there and be open to love... suffering is a bummer, and not worth the time. ;)

[Mara Steele]

66. Thanks, Mis. !

It's really not a big deal, anymore...

This morning, I decided the unrequited lust was definitely the worse option, anyway. :)

But thanks for the excellent advice, I'm taking it to heart. :yourock: :yourock:

It was just a shock at the time, & a lonely midnight lounge post... :-)

[Misunderestimator]

67. Definitely a great midnight post...

I wish I had had something like DU twenty years ago... it would have made the suffering so much more bearable. :hug:

[Mara Steele]

68. It's incredible...

People here just kick ass, plain & simple...

( incl. yourself...! :hug:)

[Deja Q]

71. I've been alone for 32 years,

With nothing but empty promises, chicanery, deceit, and exploitation.

Why I never killed myself or revolted against people is beyond me, but I'm still here and still fighting for what is right. Perhaps that is my revenge, being loud and outspoken. (at least on the internet... :-) )

[Mara Steele]

72. Hey, HypnoToad,

You're really sweet though, and my favorite cynic... Peace to you.

You're so cute and smart, I don't know why you're single... :hi:

[Deja Q]

76. Thanks! (blush)

I don't go out much and when I do, I clam up. :-) I think that scares people away.

[Ellen Forradalom]

73. I'm lonely, too...

terribly lonely in my marriage, and have an unrequited love for someone from my distant past who lives far, far away.

[Mara Steele]

75. Very sorry to hear that, forradolem

:hug: :hug:

[liberalhistorian]

78. Believe me, I know where you're coming

from and so, probably, do most other DUers. But, as a never-married single mom about to hit 40 I can tell you that it's better to be single and alone than stuck in an unhappy marriage or relationship, or involved with the wrong person.

[Mara Steele]

80. Hi, LH

Thanks for your words of advice & wisdom.

I think you're probably more than right!

:pals: