Fuck the Amish

[Dookus]

they won't read this anyway.

[dolo amber]

1. Why does that still

make me laugh? :D

[asthmaticeog]

38. Because you're evil.

Keep up the good work.

[MichaelHarris]

2. buggy-drivin'

bassids

3. ah but those related to the Amish will

like ME.
you better hide sucker

[Dookus]

4. oh please

what're ya gonna do? Build me a barn?

[charlyvi]

5. Or quilt you a quilt!!

Bwahahahahaha

[exJW]

7. *Pulls out buggy whip*

RUMMMSPRINGAAAAA Sucka!!!

[TlalocW]

9. Or snap my suspenders?

Well, guess what? Not everyone wears suspenders! AHAHAHAHAHA!

Darn Amish with their churning butter and the Amish kids squealing their tires as they blow by the Dairy Queen in their buggy pulled by a really cool Clydesdale horse!

TlalocW

[charlyvi]

26. Or churn you some butter!

for some homemade bread----SPOON bread.

[Arugula Latte]

47. No not SPOON bread! Anything but that!

:scared:

[Reality Not Tin Foil]

29. No clydesdale horses

The Amish use Quarter horses for their buggies. No Clydesdales. It wouldnt be practical for the distances they travel.

[achtung_circus]

50. Actually,

they tend to use Standardbreds, purchased cheap off the trotting/pacing circuit. They are showy travellers. Quarterhorses are sprinters. I see what we call Mennonites, same as Amish in the States, every Thursday at a livestock sale I attend. They work their horses to death. They are also very much into puppy mills.

[bhunt70]

58. I was under the impression that mennonites and amish were different.

[Pithlet]

63. They are

although don't ask me exactly how. We have both Amish and Mennonites in the States.

I used to work near Amish country, and I'll never forget one day going into the local Friendly's and all the other patrons were Amish.

6. Use my power of prayer

so that Santa Cruz will fall into the ocean.:evilgrin:

[Dookus]

8. pray away

now if you said you had an evil death-ray, I'd be worried.

10. Do you think I would warn you if I did?

foolish mortal

[mongo]

11. What the fuck is your problem?

That you have to insult the ONLY fundamentalist group that DOESN'T want to turn our country into a facsit theocracy?

The Amish don't even vote because they don't want their influence to override that of the "english" population.

Yeah, a lot of them are not fond of us english. But at least they live up to their ideals and don't try to push it down the rest of our throats.

12. Please don't try to reason with this poster

you're probably wasting your time and your blood pressure might suffer.
Amish are also conscientious objectors, something we need more of in my opinion.

& per my original post I am related to them. Pennsylvania Dutch going back to 1775 in PA.

[Dookus]

13. oh, I'm eminently reasonable

and I am related to them, too. My family came to Pennsylvania in the 1730s.

My parents live in Amish country, and are actually good friends with a few. I even exchange emails with a little Amish girl who uses my dad's computer when she visits.

The joke is simply that the Amish won't read this. See? It's funny because it's unexpected. Nobody hates the Amish. Get it?

[mongo]

14. Sorry...

Had just got done with the god hates fags thread, and did a little google research of phelps - I guess I was a little agitated.

I'm taking my chill pill now and putting on my sarcasm detecting glasses.

Ahhhh... That's MUCH Better.

[Dookus]

15. no problem...

Phelps can do that to ya.

Seriously, I don't wanna fuck the Amish. They make great shoo-fly pie.

[dolo amber]

17. Besides...

Getting past those buttons and buckles takes all the fun outta foreplay. :evilgrin:

[Reality Not Tin Foil]

31. no buttons

The old order Amish do not use buttons, or buckles. They use pins.

[Wapsie B]

55. Actually they use hooks and eyes

instead of buttons. Hence in some parts of the country they're called the Hook'n Eye Dutch, or Hookies for short.

[mongo]

19. And I have to admit

I have a fantasy about corrupting some young Amish lady....

Those dresses are hot!

16. I fell for your satire

these things are hard to tell sometimes.

Or did I?

Yeah, I probably did.

Whatever the case, I got you to break character.

:evilgrin:

[Dookus]

21. So where in PA is your family?

My folks are in Mifflinburg now, but Mom was raised in Shamokin and Dad's from Mt. Carmel.

[tishaLA]

84. Oh the horror!

My family is in Lewisburg! I always think of Shamokin/Mt. Carmel as a bunch of coal crackers though

[Dookus]

85. oh you got that right, sister

nuttin' but coal.

[Reality Not Tin Foil]

30. me too

Im in the "fisher book", the geneology book that traces me back to the original 14 families to immigrate here from Germany. My mother was old order Amish, and I also have many many relatives who are Amish as well. Im in Lancaster County.

[jukes]

36. yeah

well my iriquois great-to-the-tenth power grandfather, who was a chieftain, goddammit, abducted an amish woman & made her his squaw. his lowest squaw, because she was pasty.

she had to pick lice from his headdress, wash his jockstrap, and she didn't even GET to churn any butter, because he ate the cows he stole from your bootlick amish pacifist/commie ancestors.




AND my grandmother was a cherokee princess....

[bhunt70]

59. my moms from up there, last name weyant, from hollidaysburg

my dads indian. funny coincidence.

by the way, If Im not mistaken squaw isn't really the word you want to use, it means vagina, and as far as I know it's actually derogatory.

[jdonaldball]

44. What do you mean nobody hates the Amish?

I'll bet Sean Hannity would find a way to hate them, if asked.

[exJW]

57. I was a Jehovah's Witness, we hated the Amish....

... we hated everybody.


Ok, that may be a bit over the top. We hated the Catholic church, everybody else we merely disdained.

[slutticus]

74. Yeah DOOKUS!!!! What he said!

:P

[Dookus]

75. Amish-lover

Yer probably secretly Amish. I bet when you're home all alone you unplug all your appliances.

[slutticus]

77. How did you know!

Here is my baptism picture. Yes....we are allowed to use cameras...

[xchrom]

18. ok -- and with pleasure

there are some seriously cute amish boys.

[Nlighten1]

20. Hey! My best friend is Amish!

He says you will surely burn in hell for saying this.

[Dookus]

22. oh right

It should be "fucketh the Amish", no?

[ohiosmith]

23. Clippity clop, clippity clop, clippity clop, bang.....bang..bang......

bang, clippity clop, clippity clop.

[Dookus]

24. heheh

Amish drive-by

[yellowcanine]

42. Clippity Clop Clippity Clop Clippity Clop pause pause

Clippity Clop Clippity Clop Clippity Clop

[yellowcanine]

43. What is it? Heh Heh.

Drive by shunning.

[Dookus]

88. lol...

I hadn't heard that one.

[madrchsod]

25. go see tiffy,

[name not needed]

27. It's time to go to Lancaster

and bust some Amish heads open! Hahahah! :evilgrin:

[Deja Q]

28. The Amish don't know it, but they will survive the oil age.

We won't.

Who's getting fucked, my friend? Not them.

Us. But not in the good way.

Rather like said in 'Star Trek Insurrection', just because we know how to do something doesn't mean we should do it. We should just live in harmony instead.

[Lorien]

34. Oh, they know it

in fact, some communities send members to an alternative energy symposium in Sweden every year to study up on the latest technological advances in that area. They aren't anti-electricity when it means staying off the power grid and generating renewable energy (seen plenty of Amish farms with solar and wind power in Ohio).

[Lorien]

32. Why? I'm from a Mennonite family

(something like Amish with cars), and my mom's side of the family comes from an Amish community. Everyone we know there votes liberal Dem because they care deeply about civil rights, the plight of the poor, and the environment (many Amish do with electricity and live simply so they aren't taking too much from the earth; "leave it as you found it" I've heard some say). Two of my cousins are gay, and NOBODY from that side of the family ever had a problem with it! They practice what they preach when it comes to their Christianity.

I say, EMBRACE the Amish! :-)

[Dookus]

33. oh, I do

read above. It's just a joke. Rock on, my little mennonite hamster photoshopper.

[Lorien]

35. Who was it? Yoder? Snyder? Kreider?

;-)

We DID have a resident Amish hater here a while back. He thought they were just like Southern Baptists. :eyes:

(I'm agnostic, BTW). :headbang:

[squidbro]

53. Yoder

How in the world could someone confuse the Amish with the Southern Baptists?

Willful ignorance continues to flourish in great amounts these days.

Perhaps it was a little easier for myself as I interacted with them when in Iowa City.

They may be gentle people, but they are tough negotiators regarding financial matters. Can't blame them though.

At least they know how live without modern conveniences, the lack of which would cause many to riot.

[lazarus]

76. I've always called

the Mennonites "electrical Amish". There's some in southwest Alabama, around Atmore.

[jukes]

37. Dook

seems like we got a few of those pesky amish-hugging peta folks in the choir tonight.

[Dookus]

39. They're just in it for the pickle

[POed_Ex_Repub]

40. Why? - Do you want to make more Amish?

Can't they take care of this themselves?...

[yellowcanine]

41. The Amish need no help making more Amish.

They do quite well, thank you.

[WoodrowFan]

45. Amish top 10

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble

10. Sometimes stays in bed til after 6am.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."

4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."

2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

[Dookus]

46. lol...

fun. Was that a Letterman list?

[WoodrowFan]

80. yes, Letterman, maybe 1998??

I first posted the "Amish drive by" joke, then saw someone beat me to it!

[PVnRT]

48. You'd be surprised

The Amish employ a number of spies, and I'm sure they're already getting ready to kill you in your sleep.

[Dookus]

49. feh

I'll just turn the lights on. They'll be all "Hark! A demon has caused the dark to flee! We must get to church for the blessings and the shoo-fly pie" and I'll laugh at 'em.

[jdonaldball]

51. They don't kill you in your sleep. They do something worse.

They wake you up and tell you to get to work at 4 AM.

[Dookus]

60. heheh

that would be worse.

[Aftershock]

52. They make good blueberry pie.

:)

[chookie]

54. Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities

10. Drink molasses till you heave.
9. Attend a Wet Bonnet contest.
8. Tear a page out of the room directory and totally trash it.
7. Throw a "Keg of Buttermilk" party.
6. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really hot Clydesdale.
5. Get a tattoo that says: "Born to Raise Barns."
4. Dare to wear a see-through smock to bed.
3. Sleep in until 6:00am.
2. Cop a glance, behind a checkout counter, of the front cover of a
Playboy Magazine.
1. Churn butter naked.

[Maestro]

56. Uh

[ChoralScholar]

61. I have to admit, though

It would be nice to have a simpler life like the Amish. They don't have a lot of the worries we 'modern' Americans do. But, I'd miss The West Wing and re-runs of Beavis and Butthead.

[Donkeyboy75]

62. Better hope Angry_Amish doesn't read this.

He'd probably get angry.

[Dookus]

64. Bring.... it.... on!

I'm sick of the Amish and their "look at me! I wear black!" attitude like a bunch of 17th Century goth kids. Fuckin' Amish...

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

66. Gotta lotta Amish

there in Santa Cruz, CA?

Yeah, we gotta lotta Quakers here in Dallas, with their damn oatmeal and shit.

[Dookus]

69. No

and they better not come here, either, cuz I'm not putting up with their shit.

They don't even SURF fergawdsakes!

[Elidor]

65. There was this cute little mennonite girl at the deli...

I lusted after her in the worst way. I always wondered if she was old enough to go raise hell for two years like some of them do. I had evil plans for every orifice of her innocent young body...

But instead I bought a ham and swiss sandwich for $2.99. Overall not a bad choice.

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

67. Wow

I mean I HEARD guys really think that way, but to read evidence of it.....

wonder how many sick thoughts were had of me by total strangers back in my really hot days?

Hmmm....

[Dookus]

70. even sadder

would be knowing how many settled on a ham sandwich.

:evilgrin:

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

71. That would be a frozen yogurt in my case

worked at a TCBY in college.

Did I ever tell you about the guy who came in wearing running shorts and apparently nothing underneath?

Gawd, I could tell what RELIGION that guy was and I started laughing so hard I had to run back to the back and try to get my friend to go up and help him. Had to explain my fits of laughter and then that made HER unable to go up and help him (she was a little scared) so he just stood there saying "Hello? Hello?"

Embarrassing shit.

He was NOT Amish, just for the record.

[Elidor]

72. Nothing sick about it

I was a virgin until I was 31. I made the Amish look like by-god sluts by comparison. I was just 170 lbs. of hormones looking for a like-minded soul.

Heck, I wish I was still that horny. At my age, you have to pay good money to be horny like that.

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

73. I guess it was the every orifice thing

I was NOT a virgin until I was 31, I'll just leave that little factoid out of this, but I just never thought of guys thinking of my EVERY orifice......now that I am older, and wiser (???) I can totally see that, but back then I had no clue about really kinka-zoid stuff.

On edit: too bad you didn't meet me. I hear I was rather easy.

[Dookus]

68. I dunno

corrupting a mennonite girl would at least be something you could look back fondly on. Of course, I guess that's true for a good ham sandwich....

[lazarus]

78. This calls for some Weird Al

As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain
I take a look at my wife and realize she's very plain
But that's just perfect for an Amish like me
You know, I shun fancy things like electricity
At 4:30 in the morning I'm milkin' cows
Jebediah feeds the chickens and Jacob plows... fool
And I've been milkin' and plowin' so long that
Even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone
I'm a man of the land, I'm into discipline
Got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin
But if I finish all of my chores and you finish thine
Then tonight we're gonna party like it's 1699

We been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
I've churned butter once or twice
Living in an Amish paradise
It's hard work and sacrifice
Living in an Amish paradise
We sell quilts at discount price
Living in an Amish paradise

A local boy kicked me in the butt last week
I just smiled at him and turned the other cheek
I really don't care, in fact I wish him well
'Cause I'll be laughing my head off when he's burning in hell
But I ain't never punched a tourist even if he deserved it
An Amish with a 'tude? You know that's unheard of
I never wear buttons but I got a cool hat
And my homies all I agree I look good in black... fool
If you come to visit, you'll be bored to tears
We haven't even paid the phone bill in 300 years
But we ain't really quaint, so please don't point and stare
We're just technologically impaired

There's no phone, no lights, no motorcar
Not a single luxury
Like Robinson Caruso
It's as primitave as can be

We been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
We're just plain and simple guys
Living in an Amish paradise
There's no time for sin and vice
Living in an Amish paradise
We don't fight, we all play nice
Living in an Amish paradise

Hitchin' up the buggy, churnin' lots of butter
Raised a barn on Monday, soon I'll raise another
Think you're really rightous? Think you're pure in heart?
Well, I know I'm a million times as humble as thou art
I'm the pious guy the little Amlettes wanna be like
On my knees day and night scorin' points for the afterlife
So don't be vain and don't be whiny
Or else, my brother, I might just have to get medieval on your heinie

We been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
We're all crazy Mennonites
Living in an Amish paradise
There's no cops or traffic lights
Living in an Amish paradise
But you'd probably think it bites
Living in an Amish paradise

[Elidor]

79. True story:

I live fairly near the Cumberland County Playhouse here in Tennessee. A female acquaintance who worked at the Huddle House as a waitress once waited on a mennonite family. This girl, let's call her Judy, was sweet as could be, but kind of "blonde," if you take my meaning. She saw the mennonites with their bonnets and said with her biggest smile:

"Oh, you're just so CUTE in those little outfits! Are you going to the Playhouse to be in a play?"

No one really had the heart to explain it to her, poor girl. I decided I didn't really want to date her after all.

[doc03]

81. You should walk through an area after they hunt deer, they have a total

disregard for the hunting laws. They shoot everything they see, bucks, does and fawns, then pickout the legal ones and let the others lie. The same goes for fishing. You should see an area after they
log it out. They build a lot of homes in this area, people think they are getting craftsmanship all you get it cheap labor, ask a carpenter. I have read stories from former Amish about how the church elders abuse the children.

[boobooday]

82. Hostility toward the Amish?

Isn't that kind of a waste of good hostility?

There are SO MANY others more deserving . . .



http://www.wgoeshome.com

[Dookus]

86. ahh...

you presume my hostility is a limited resource. I can assure you it is not. I have enough to meet all my needs and still kick a little Amish ass.

[WI_DEM]

83. why do you hate the amish?

got stuck behind a buggy one day?

[Dookus]

87. yes, but even more annoying

was the time I tried to tear down my barn. They kept coming by and rebuilding it. Fuckers.