I Returned an Engagement Ring Today (aka It's Still Hard to Let Go) (LONG)

DoveTurnedHawk

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Sat Sep-04-04 03:47 AM
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I Returned an Engagement Ring Today (aka It's Still Hard to Let Go) (LONG)

So I returned my ex-fiancee's engagement ring today. We'd been engaged for 1.5 years, and prior to that we'd been together for an additional year.

The first 13 months we were together were the best months of my life. Neither of us had any doubts about getting engaged. She was my best friend, my lover, my soul mate. We knew we were going to be married well before I proposed. As it so happens, NSMA actually saw us together around that time, and she knows how much we loved each other.

Jenni had major unilateral depression, however. A month after we got engaged, she fell into a trench of depression. She'd been on anti-depressants for the past 12 years, but unfortunately they appeared to have lost efficacy. She was already going to therapy twice a week, and we tried a dozen new drugs, to no avail.

She attempted suicide twice, the first time while I was out-of-town on business (I immediately called her best friend, who was local and also happened to be a nurse, and she checked on her and determined that she would be OK despite the several tranquilizer-like pills she'd taken), and the second time while I was sleeping upstairs.

The ambulance came the second time only because she'd called 911 right as she was slipping into sleep. I never heard a goddamn thing. If she hadn't called the ambulance, I probably would have woken up, gone downstairs, kissed her goodbye as she rested on the couch, and gone to work, never the wiser as she slipped away forever.

Happily, she did call the ambulance. I woke up in the morning and saw her gone, even though her car was still there. I panicked, and then I just had a hunch about what had happened. I called all of the local hospitals right away.

It was the worst feeling, hearing that she had, in fact, been admitted to the emergency room late the night before. That feeling ranked right up there with the other time she'd attempted suicide while I was out-of-town, and also with the time when she'd told me sadly, as her stomach rebelled against a particularly fine wine we'd tried, "I forgot, I'm not allowed to have any fun."

I stuck by her, and was willing to stick by her forever. After all, she was My Love! She actually turned out to be the courageous one, however, when she told me a few months ago that she just couldn't stand it any more, that she couldn't live in our home any more because it was just too depressing when she remembered everything we'd had, all of the glorious things we'd had, and then realized how depressed she was and that she couldn't feel anything. She realized what she didn't have any more, what she didn't feel any more, and what she'd lost.

Intellectually, I knew it was for the best. We had the best year of our lives together, but we also had the worst 18 months of our lives together. She determined that she wasn't emotionally capable of having children, while I very much wanted to have them. I hated feeling powerless to help her, even as I recognized that she was the only one who would ever be able to help herself.

But emotionally, it was still hard. When I returned the ring earlier today, it was like a hammerblow of reality. I'd put it off for months, but the actual act...it felt like a betrayal. It felt like a loss. It felt like a door closing forever.

All I've ever wanted was her happiness. I'd have cut off my own arm if it would have made her truly happy. I know now that I can't make her happy; only she can make herself happy. Yet that knowledge makes the situation no easier for me. As much as I know, intellectually, that our split is the right decision, emotionally it is still no easier.

I wish you only happiness, Jenni, even if it can't be with me. You're the best ever, and you will always be My Love.

Wow. This has been very cathartic. Thanks for listening.

D