NOW OPEN -- Allen's Confessional Booth (All Are Welcome)

[arwalden]

I promise that that I will never repeat what you tell me. I will keep everything private and hold it in the strictest confidence.

[pagerbear]

1. You sure that's the kind of booth you're most comfy in?

[arwalden]

3. I Know... You'd Think I'd Burst Into Flames Or Something

[pagerbear]

5. Yeah. Flames.

Heh heh heh....

[GOPisEvil]

2. Can I just show you on the doll where the bad man touched me?

;-)

[arwalden]

11. No... show me on ME!

You clown!
;-)
-- Allen

[flamingyouth]

4. Today I made a left turn on a red arrow

But I had a good excuse. I have a fever and sore throat and wanted to get the hell home! :)

[arwalden]

9. For your penance...

you must recite (not sing) the lyrics to Afternoon Delight.

[flamingyouth]

12. You are most benevolent

Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight
gonna grab some afternoon delight.
My motto's always been; when it's right, it's right.
Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night.
When everything's a little clearer in the light of day.
And you know the night is always gonna be there any way.

Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon delight. Afternoon delight.

Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite
looking forward to a little afternoon delight.
Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ingite
and the thought of rubbin' you is getting so exciting.

Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon delight. Afternoon delight.

Started out this morning feeling so polite
I always though a fish could not be caught who wouldn't bite
But you've got some bait a waitin' and I think I might try nibbling
a little afternoon delight.

Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon delight. Afternoon delight.

Please be waiting for me baby when I come around.
We could make a lot of lovin' 'for the sun goes down.

Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon delight. Afternoon delight.

[arwalden]

21. A Poetic Reading Of That Song...

... is really quite amusing!

[flamingyouth]

29. I thought so too!

When I looked up the lyrics in order to do my penance, I thought, hell, I've got to post these!

[arwalden]

32. Just Be Glad I Didn't Make You Recite The Lyrics To "Bad"

I'm bad.
I'm bad.
I'm really really bad.
You know it.
I'm bad.
...

[Beer Snob-50]

6. bless me for i have sinned

i have coveted, coveted very heavy, coveted much, i love to covet! covet, covet, covet. just coveted.

[arwalden]

14. For your penance...

you must recite the lyrics from the Brady Bunch theme song.

[Beer Snob-50]

33. hmm

here the story, of a lovely lady
who was bringing up three very lovely girls
they all had hair of gold, like theri mother
the youngest ones in curls

here is the story of a man named brady
who had three boys of his own
they were four men who lived together
but they were all alone

till then one day when this lady met the fellow
and they knew it was mcuh more than a hunch
that this group must somewhat become a family an
and that is how they became the brady bucnch

theybrady bunch, the brady bunch, that is how they became the brady bunch.

[mrboba1]

7. I haven't done shit at work today...

is that wrong?

[arwalden]

15. No... that's not wrong. Screw "the man"!!

Good on ya!

[Screaming Lord Byron]

8. I bought a machine to take the demons out of water.

Forgive me.

[arwalden]

16. For your penance...

you must recite the lyrics to Personal Jesus (the Depeche Mode version... not Marilyn Manson.)

[Screaming Lord Byron]

19. OK.

Your own, personal, Jesus
someone to hear your prayers,
someone who cares

Your own, personal, Jesus
someone to hear your prayers,
someone who's there

Feeling unknown
and you're all alone,
flesh and bone,
by the telephone,
lift up the receiver,
i'll make you a believer

Take second best,
put me to the test,
things on your chest,
you need to confess,
i will deliver,
you know i'm a forgiver

Reach out and touch faith
Reach out and touch faith

Your own, personal, Jesus
someone to hear your prayers,
someone who cares

Your own, personal, Jesus
someone to hear your prayers,
someone to care

Feeling unknown
and you're all alone,
flesh and bone,
by the telephone,
lift up the receiver,
i'll make you a believer
i will deliver,
you know i'm a forgiver

Reach out and touch faith
Reach out and touch faith
Reach out and touch faith

Reach out and touch faith

[terrya]

10. "Well, um, er...I have had some impure thoughts in the Lounge"

"There, I said it. Whew."

[arwalden]

17. Only "some"?? You must go back and have MORE!!

"Some" just ain't gonna cut it, pal!

-- Allen

[pagerbear]

22. He has! I can attest to that!

I, of course, have never had any impure thoughts in the Lounge.

[arwalden]

24. That Begs The Question... WHERE Do You Have Them?

[pagerbear]

26. Have what?

:dazed, innocent look:

[Donkeyboy75]

13. I'm not ascendant.

:cry: :cry:

[arwalden]

18. For your penance...

you must recite the lyrics to the "Lumberjack Song".

[Beetwasher]

20. OK

Sometimes I do nothing at work except post at DU all day...SHHHHHHHHH!

Ok, that's not really technically true, but what the hell!

[arwalden]

28. So you lied about it!! That's just as bad!! For your penance...

you must sit in the COMFY chair!

[Beetwasher]

34. NOOOO! Anything But That!

Can I wear my cruel shoes while I do it? You know the one's, the ordinary looking pair of black and white pumps that twist my foot at an impossible angle, with separate compartments for each toe and a vice and razor blades that hold my foot in place...

[Rowdyboy]

23. I have coveted my neighbor's ass

and his manservant (I guess thats what you call the cute guy who cuts his grass)!

[pagerbear]

27. Was that you?

Why didn't you just say so?

[Rowdyboy]

54. Too shy

Yeah, like you'd believe that.... :evilgrin:

[pagerbear]

Oh, I'm very gullible

[arwalden]

30. OMG... So Have I!!! -- I mean... that's awful! For your penance...

... you must sing a medley of Debby Boone hit.

[Rowdyboy]

55. "Forgive me Father, for I know not what I do"

Youuuuuu, youuuu light uppppp myyyyyy lifeeee
You gave me hopeeeee... arghhhhhhh choking can't breathe....


I've fallen and I can't get up!

[matcom]

25. why did you touch me there?

x(

[arwalden]

31. I Can't Help Myself...

I wanted to see how big it is. I mean... what are you talking about my child?

[sundog]

35. ummm - What are you wearing under that robe?

:evilgrin:

[arwalden]

40. What Robe?

[La Lioness Priyanka]

36. i am not a very good person

[arwalden]

41. For your penance...

you must make your bed every day this week.

[Trish]

37. Played hooky from work yesterday

But I'll go tonight

[arwalden]

43. For your penance...

you must recite the words to "Take This Job And Shove It"

[Trish]

I knew there was a reason I gave up religion....

I'm too lazy to type that much....
Guess its hell for me, then

[eyesroll]

38. I don't get it, Father Allen.

About one week of every four, I'm a perfect angel. I get my work done, and am generally nice.
Then, for a couple of weeks, I become a litttle snippier, sure, but I also find myself having impure thoughts. Sometimes, I have impure thoughts about men who are not my husband. And sometimes, I even have impure thoughts about people who aren't men. (Gasp!) As those couple of weeks go on, the number and detail of the impure thoughts increase exponentially, as do the people about whom I have the impure thoughts.
And then, the fourth week, the impure thoughts pretty much disappear, but they're replaced by a strong dislike of well, everything, and that's not very nice.
And then the cycle starts over again.
What am I doing wrong, Father?

[arwalden]

45. One Out Of Four Is A Good Start...

we'll have to come up with a plan on how to help you through the other three weeks.

[Beware the Beast Man]

75. Well, those 2 weeks do yield some great thread content.

I say keep it up...

[Richardo]

39. Bless me, Allen, for I have sinned...

...that's it.

[arwalden]

46. Rumor has it that you're pretty well blessed already...

:hi:

[Richardo]

51. oh YOU!

Just 'cause a guy wears size 13 shoes...

:hi:

[Bunny]

59. Now I KNOW I have to meet you someday!

:evilgrin:

j/k! How's things, Richardo? :hi:

[Richardo]

63. Better now!

:hi: bunnyj!

[loudestchick]

42. Forgive me.

Last night, I committed larceny. I took the * sign out of my neighbor's yard. And I had homicidal thoughts.

[arwalden]

47. For your penance...

you must put the sign in your OWN yard.

[loudestchick]

50. So cruel...

Thank-you sir, may I have another?

can I wait 'til after dark?

[Maleficus]

44. Orgy in the confessional booth?

;) :evilgrin:

JK.

Forgive me Allen, for I have sinned. I lied to my art prof. I cheated on a test. I stole my roommate's pop. I watched CNN. I checked-out some dude's girlfriend. I laughed when a fat kid tripped and fell on a sidewalk. I swore like a sailor. I had impure thoughts about my chemistry professor's wife (What can I say? She's hot!). I stole a candy bar from the cafe.

And all this was within an hours time today.

How many "Hail Marys" should I recite?

[arwalden]

48. The one about watching CNN is pretty bad...

your penance is to recite the lyrics to "I Am Woman"... in public.

[Maleficus]

49. Yikes!

Um, ok. I'll do it. :scared: Moderators, please delete this post after a 1/2 hour. I'll give you a dollar. :D :D :D

I am woman hear me roar in numbers too big to ignore
and I know too much to go back and pretend,
cause I've heard it all before
and I've been down there on the floor
and no ones ever going to keep me down again.

Oh, yes I am wise
but it's wisdom born of pain
yes I paid the price
but look how much I gained,
if I have to ... I can do anything!
I am strong (strong) I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

You can bend but never break me
cause it only serves to make me
more determined to achieve my final goal
and I'll come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

Oh, yes I am wise
but it's wisdom born of pain
Oh, yes I've paid the price
but look how much I gained
If I have to
I can do anything
I am strong (strong) I am invincible (invincible)
I am Woman

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe,
as i spread my loving arms across the land,
but I'm still an embryo
with a long, long way to go
until i make my brother understand

Oh, yes I am wise
but it's wisdom born of pain-
Oh, yes I've paid the price
but look how much I gained
If I have to
I can do anything

I am strong (strong) I am invincible (invincible)

I am woman

I am Woman

I am Woman
I am Woman,
I am invincible
I am Woman

[miss_kitty]

52. I am Watching 42nd Street w/ Ruby Keeler on CBC TV

It's a sin to watch films that are broken with commercials. Tell no one! I beg you!

:spank: :spank: :spank:

[arwalden]

58. Your secret is safe with me...

for your penance, you must discover the joys of ReplayTV or Tivo.

[TrogL]

53. I hate my partner

[arwalden]

60. For your penance...

you must get a divorce. Or find someone to assist you with an "intervention" to get him to straighten up (so to speak).

Treat yourself to a day-spa.

[Nikia]

56. I confessed my deepest darkest secret to my best friend

in email. He didn't write back. Then I wrote him an email about how he must hate me becasue of it. I went on a pathetic rant about how everyone hates me or is indifferent to me because I have been in a bad mood with being sick and hating my job. Besides feeling bad that he hasn't written me back or otherwise contacted me, I feel bad that I accused him of hating me like that when he might not even have gotten my first email yet at the time. He really has a lot of stuff going on his life anyway and he doesn't really need that. If I really needed to confess my deepest darkest secret to him, I should have done it in person or at least on the phone so I didn't shock him and I wouldn't have gotten paranoid in the first place.

[arwalden]

61. For your penance...

you must seek out this friend and apologize in person. Let your friend know that you want to talk more about what's going on in his life as well and that you are both overdue for some time together and time to strengthen your friendship.

Until then you must read out loud the lyrics to Queen's "Your My Best Friend" and Carol King's "You've Got A Friend".

[GoddessOfGuinness]

57. I find these oddly kinky

Is that a sin?

[arwalden]

62. I'm terribly sorry... this is beyond the scope of what I can handle.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

65. Maybe I could just say some Mail Harrys?

:evilgrin:

[arwalden]

68. It's Worth A Try... Or You Could Just

recite the lyrics to "Muskrat Love" while looking at a troll figurine (as a form of aversion-therapy).

Unless of course you actually LIKE the lyrics to Muskrat Love... in which case, I'm afraid it's a hopeless cause.

-- Allen

Tell me more about this Male Harry!

[Rambis]

64. Forgive me father for I have sinned

I have taken the lord's name in vain every fucking day of my life.
Oh, and I also swear a lot-
I hate Republicans a lot-
I have lusted in my heart-
I would sell my soul to the Devil for a Vikings super bowl win and a Cubs world championship.
Wow, I feel better now thank you-

[arwalden]

69. For your penance...

you must wash my car.

[Rambis]

97. Can do after the election

I am going to be out every night registering voters, A-ballotts and putting up yard signs. I can't wait for this to be over.

[ThomCat]

66. This thread has me cracking UP!

:evilgrin:

[arwalden]

70. That's Not A Confession... But For Wasting My Time....

and preventing others from confessing REAL sins... you must alphebetize my CD collection by artist.

-- Allen

Glad you're enjoying it. LOL.

[ThomCat]

77. Music is good...

But if your DVD collection is more interesting I'll volunteer to alphabetize that instead. :7

[LynzM]

67. Forgive me allen,

For I have done hurtful things toward a friend, and asking for forgiveness would make it worse.

Well, that and I procrastinate like crazy :evilgrin:

[arwalden]

71. Sometimes There Are Times When It's Wisest To...

... know when to keep one's mouth shut. Try to make it up to your friend in other ways and do things that will re-establish bonds of trust and that will strengthen the friendship.

Whatever it was that you did... don't do it anymore.

For your penance, you must wear a brassier on the OUTSIDE of your clothes while grocery shopping.

[LynzM]

72. Ah, shit.

You're right on both counts. Does it count if I just wear a sports bra and go shopping in that? ;)

[ikojo]

73. Allen, I am not a Christian...as a matter of fact I am Jewish

but I understand the solace that confession brings...that's what Yom Kippur is all about...so I am confessing to you right now...

I HATE LOATH AND DESPISE George W Bush.....is that a sin?

[arwalden]

78. Not A Sin...

but surely there must be SOMETHING else you've done that you just don't want to fess-up to... so for your penance you must watch Yentl (the director's cut).

[CrownPrinceBandar]

74. I am vocationally challenged......................

I am 37, and I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up.

:shrug:

[arwalden]

79. This Is Not A Sin... You Simply Haven't Grown Up Yet

it's only a sin if you still live with your Mother and she pays all your bills.

Since you're bound to sin sometime this week, I recommend some pre-emptive penance of reciting the lyrics to any Linda Ronstadt song (but NOT that duet with Aaron Nevill)

[Endangered Specie]

76. Forgive me father, for I REALLY want to sin...

with a special someone right about now
.
.
.
.
.
Any chance you can help me out? Make her want to scream Oh GOD?! Some of that smelly stuff you use to get the altar kids? :evilgrin:

[arwalden]

81. Wanting To Sin And Actually Sinning Are The Same Thing...

for your penance, you must listen to an entire "New Kids On The Block" CD.

[WindRavenX]

80. I have lust in my heart!!!!

:evilgrin:
Errr...I mean...:cry:

[arwalden]

83. Lust is perfectly natural... but it doesn't belong in your heart...

it belongs in the back seat of a 1957 Chevy... preferably not alone.

Therefore, your penance is to watch any Ron Howard movie.

[newsguyatl]

82. i have a crush on your avatar

:P

[arwalden]

84. Oh For Goodness Sake... Get Some Real Porn!! :-)

For your penance... you must... invite me over to watch your real porn with you. (It's lonely here in this booth.)

[newsguyatl]

85. how about we just watch it IN your booth?

[arwalden]

86. There's Only One Chair In Here...

You'll have to stand. Or sit on my lap. (Your choice.)

[Texasgal]

87. I find myself wanting to have

sex with my teddy bear,....why must I have such thoughts?

[arwalden]

88. Oh No You Dih'n't... You Better Don't, Girl!

For your penance, you must recite the lyrics to Elvis' "Teddy Bear". (And drop the teddy bear in my office on your way out.)

[Texasgal]

91. Ummm...okay...

Baby let me be,
Your lovin' Teddy Bear
Put a chain around my neck,
And lead me anywhere
Oh let me be
Your teddy bear.

I don't wanna be a tiger
Cause tigers play too rough
I don't wanna be a lion
'Cause lions ain't the kind
You love enough.
Just wanna be, your Teddy Bear
Put a chain around my neck
And lead me anywhere
Oh let me be
Your teddy bear.

Baby let me be, around you every night
Run your fingers through my hair,
And cuddle me real tight

Almost sounds sadistic eh?

[Texasgal]

92. Self delete

posted twice...

[newsguyatl]

89. hmm, how about you sit on MY lap

:evilgrin:


i prefer that.


and i promise, it'll be innocent

[arwalden]

90. Holy Crap... Now *I* Need To Confess!!

for my impure thoughts.

[SheWhoMustBeObeyed]

93. Nice booth, but I only confess in taxicabs

So people can say, "Her? Somebody actually did that with her?????"

[arwalden]

95. I Loved "Taxicab Confessions!!!"

The comparison now makes me appear inadequate. So, making me look bad is a sin... and now you must do pennance by watching every episode of "Real Sex".

[SheWhoMustBeObeyed]

98. Eeeeeeyeeeewwww! Please! Not "Real Sex"!

That is the most un-erotic sex I have ever seen. Someone is always instructing a bunch of yuppies on some spiritual aspect of lovemaking, or slithering around naked in some kind of foodstuff. Feh! Even that old lady on Oxygen's sex show is hotter than "Real Sex." Can't I sing a song or something? :cry:

[Dookus]

94. Does your "confessional booth" take

quarters or tokens?

[arwalden]

96. Girlfriend-please! Tokens only!

I don't want to risk having some jive turkey bustin' up my booth just to get a handful of quarters. You'll have to buy the tokens from Big-Al over there (in the bullet-proof glass enclosed checkout-cage) next to the gift shop and and souvenir stand. -- Minimum Purchase $5 in tokens. No refunds or buy-backs.

[Throckmorton]

99. Bless me Queer Duck, for I have sinned:

The impure thoughts and actions thing,
Specially bout Texas Gal and the Teddy Bear
Hubba, Hubba ARwalden

Oh, and a little penis envy too
Does that count?