My friend lost her babies.

[Phillycat]

I have a friend who is in her late 30's. She and her husband were living a wild lifestyle when they were at typical childbearing age, so they didn't start trying to get pregnant until my friend was older than is optimal. They could not get pregnant by normal means, so they ended up using IVF. They went through 3 rounds. The third round was the last they could afford. Fortunately, it took. They got pregnant with twin boys 22 weeks ago.

They made it through the early miscarriage risk phase and thought everything was good.

Then last week one of the babies died, and she developed pre-eclampsia. (It is too early in the pregnancy for that.) They told her she would need to terminate the other pregnancy or she would die. She did this yesterday.

These are two people who desperately want a child and would be remarkable, wonderful parents. They have been through so much already. This has been a journey of 4 years or so, ending in disappointment every time.

I am so sad for her right now. I don't have the right words to say to her.

[terrya]

1. That's heartbreaking, janesez.

I don't have the answers. I hope someone else here does.

But your friend is lucky in one respect. She has you. :-)

[mac56]

2. I am so sorry for your friends.

Thoughts and prayers for them.

[aquart]

3. folic fucking acid.

Should her vitamins have been adjusted for twins or stress?

This sucks. And might have been preventable. But don't tell her that.

[CAcyclist]

14. That criticism is just not necessary right now

[one_true_leroy]

26. not nice!

I'm sure everything was done right... you don't go through IVF and not follow the pregnacy recommendations to the letter. To say it was preventable by something as inane as folic acid is callous!

[one_true_leroy]

27. Deepest condolences!!

edit: (not meant as response to my response... still a newbie)

[LisaM]

4. It's very difficult

My sister-in-law went through this, after trying IVF for a couple of years. She lost her baby 10 days before it was due - a stillbirth. It was devastating. However, I am happy to report that she kept trying and had a healthy baby last May. I don't know how she was brave enough to try again, but she has a lot of strength. I hope your friend tries again.

[Ilsa]

5. I'm very sorry for your friends.

They need alot of emotional support right now. IVF cn be risky business.

[Lindacooks]

6. Oh, that's so sad.

I know you don't have the words for her. A friend of mine had a miscarriage and this is what I said:

"I wish there was something I could do to make this better. I don't know how you feel, because I haven't been through this, but I know you are in emotional pain. I wish I could do something to reduce this pain. Hold onto each other and hold onto me."

PLEASE don't stay away from her. Isolation after suffering a loss is the worst thing. Just don't tell her 'it's God's will' (THE stupidest phrase in the history of the world), or 'you'll get over it' or 'it's for the best'. Tell her you're sorry. Tell her you wish you could help. Tell her that you're there for her. And bring groceries to her house, cook meals for her to freeze, send her cards. THe worst thing you can do is to stay away.

[Not Me]

11. Please hug her. And let her and her husband know how you feel.

This is a tragic time for them. So, so sorry.

[OldLeftieLawyer]

13. Absolutely agree.

And, even if it's hard for you to listen, let them talk. Encourage them to talk about all of it.

That's the best gift you can give your friends now - you being present to and for them.

(There are some very good people here, by the way. I send you all a big Womandingo Kiss.)

[ulysses]

17. yup

Just don't tell her 'it's God's will' (THE stupidest phrase in the history of the world)

Or "It's all part of the Plan - yours is coming". I've hung up on people for shit like that.

[SarahB]

18. I also agree.

I went through something similar 10 years ago (somewhat later miscarriage) and some other painful stuff 3 years ago when my youngest son was born (fortunately fertility wasn't my particular issue) and was absolutely abandoned by just about everyone at the time I hurt the most. That makes everything about a million times worse. :(

[bullimiami]

7. yes sad.

i dont understand why people put themselves through this just to have biological babies.
there is a world of sweet needy babies out there that are just as precious as one you make yourself.

adopt, good for you, doubly good for baby.

[Kadie]

21. maybe I can explain as someone who has been through this

All of my life I planned on adopting children. Don't know why, it was something that was just a part of me.

But something happened. I got this unexplainable feeling, I wanted, no needed to have a baby. Not just have children, but the whole experience, pregnancy, birth, looking for family features in a new little face.

My husband and I knew that we would have difficulties, but we went through almost 10 years of infertility before we got off the infertility treadmill. Things that keep you going are; friends and family members announcing their pregnancies, doctors constantly giving you just a little bit of hope. You keep going until you just can't go anymore. The need can be very very strong.

I was one of the lucky ones. The doctors finally found out exactly why I could not get pregnant. It closed and locked that door for me. It made it a lot easier to go on to the next step. I now have a wonderful son and am thinking about adopting another child. But, I never would have made it to this point without going through the other steps first.

My heart goes out to this couple. I wish them peace.

[ulysses]

8. damn.

I feel for your friend and her husband. My wife and I have been on the adoption road for almost three years, and have had three failed matches this year. Not exactly the same, perhaps, and it'd be cold comfort to her anyway, but we're thinking of them.

[johnnie]

9. I am so sorry to hear this

That's so heartbreaking.

On edit: After reading about what happened, this is exactley what happened to my mother when I was 16. Her water broke at 5 months with my twin brothers. At the time my mother decided to try to have the twins. One came out while she was using the facility (Yeah, I know, but that's what happened). The first one died within an hour. The second child came after 15 hours of induced labor. That boy lived for about 3 hours after.
I am so sorry for your friends. I can relate in a way.

[OldLeftieLawyer]

10. Sad, so sad.

I'm so sorry for this happening to your friend.

There are so many kids out there who need a home, maybe they'll consider adoption. People who want kids that much should have them, and they can.

[SarahB]

12. I'm very sorry.

I can't imagine having to go through this type of heartbreak. My best thoughts and wishes go out to your friends. :hug:

[Lydia Leftcoast]

15. You don't have to say anything to a bereaved person

Just hug them and listen or be still with them, whatever they want.

[Richardo]

16. I am so sorry

Wishing your friends (and you) peace and strength - you're a good friend. :hug:

[joeybee12]

19. God, that sucks beyond words. Just tell her if she needs anything, you're

there.

At times it may seem as if you're intruding when you call and check up, but don't take it personally. Your friends need space, but they also need friends, and they sometimes need to be reminded that there are people who--even if you don't truly understand what they're going through (you can't until you experience such a thing yourself)--can offer support nonetheless.

[CAcyclist]

20. Tell her I am so sorry.

What a difficult decision to make.

Don't worry about the right words. Just keep checking up on her. I'm sure your support is the best thing for her. And don't let her blame herself!

[Amaya]

22. I'm so very sorry.

You don't need words for her. Your presence will be all she needs. She is suffering and it will take time to heal. This pain can be very intense. She'll need a good friend. A very good friend. :hug:

[jedicord]

23. This happened several times to some friends of mine.

I am so sorry for your friends, I can't imagine their heartbreak.

Little ray of sunshine, my friends finally had a healthy baby girl. The wife was 37 at the time. What a miracle! They had a boy a year later. Then another one.

They now have 4 naturally-born children.

[rbnyc]

24. Although there are no words...

...it does help that you care, and that they know you care. 4 years is a long time, and to make it all the way to 22 weeks is just devestating. My heart goes out to them.

[UrbScotty]

25. Losing a pet is one thing, losing a grandparent or parent is another.

Losing two babies, though...

Words just don't come to mind.

I will be thinking about you and your friend.