Seriously, should I be pissed?

[Bunny]

My daughter is turning seven next Monday. Her father insisted that we have a party for her at the local roller skating rink, which is where nearly everyone in her elementary school has their birthday party. I did not want to do this, I wanted to wait another year or two and then let her have a sleepover party. But you can't tell her father anything!

I had some concerns about attendance, because it's summer and people are on vacation, etc. I was worried that we'd have a party and no one would show up. For that reason, I've kept the party a secret from my daughter. I didn't want her to get all excited, then be upset when no one comes to the party. (this actually happened to a friend of my oldest daughter a couple of years ago!).

Well, the party is this Friday evening, and so far, out of 12 people invited, I have a grand total of two rsvp's who are coming to the party. The remaining 10 people haven't bothered to call and let me know one way or the other. They've had the invites for a week and a half now - plenty of time to decide if they're available that evening.

My mom thinks I should call them to find out if they're coming. She's kind of a stickler for manners, and thinks that calling might shame them, as in "we haven't heard from you - can you come?". I don't believe that people these days share the (apparently) quaint notion that when you are asked to rsvp, you should do so.

I do not want to call these people. I should not have to shame them or beg them to come to the party. I've been to every single birthday party these kids have had. Some kids have even had TWO parties, and we've gone to both. Now they can't bother to come to my daughter's party, or at least have the decency to call me and have a good excuse why they can't come?

I'm pissed as hell about this. It may seem silly but I'm a mother lion when it comes to my kids. These punks disrespect her and they will pay!! (just kidding on that last line!).

Has anyone else had this happen? Should I be pissed? Am I making a big deal about nothing, especially since my daughter doesn't even know about the party?

I've reported, you decide. I'll accept your verdict, although I reserve the right to boycott any future parties these little brats may have!:)Turnabout is fair play, right?

[indie]

1. give 'em a call

do it for your daughter. besides, these people should feel ashamed. i'm amazed at how inconsiderate some people can be.

[Robb]

5. Indeed

Do it for your daughter, and yourself. You never know what reasons people have for not getting back to you, from not knowing what RSVP means to just being light and flakey.

Tell them you need to know to tell the caterer, or something :) if you want. Or for big fun, call and leave a message on their machine they can misinterpret -- "Hello, this is __'s mom, I have a very important question to ask you regarding your daughter, can you call me at ____ as soon as you can, please."

:evilgrin:

[molly]

2. I think you should call these people

and simply say that you need a count for the party because you have to finalize the reservation. Any chance on changing it to Saturday?

[Bunny]

7. I guess it wouldn't kill me to call them.

I do need to know how many treat bags to prepare, etc. Or whether to cancel the party altogether.

As far as changing it to Saturday, I purposely scheduled it for Friday evening. I did this because I know people's weekends get booked up quick in the summer, and I thought if I had it on Friday from 6-7:30,people could attend and then still have the whole weekend left for other things. I know from attending these things myself that sometimes the Saturday afternoon ones can kind of screw up the whole weekend. Sorta cuts it in half, I guess. I thought I was doing people a favor by having it on Friday evening.

And for shugah, I'm really just joking by calling them punks and brats. I know that most 7 year olds can't be expected to observe all the social graces! :) My anger really is directed at the parents for not calling.

[shugah]

3. you should call

not with the intent of "shaming" anyone, but so you know whether to proceed with the party or make alternate arrangements for those who have already indicated that they will attend.

should you be pissed? irritated, sure--people really should rsvp! but you should reserve that irritation for the parents--not the kids, who at 7 years old, probably do not set their own social calanders. i assume these "punks" and "brats" are your daughters friends? ;-)

[TNDemo]

4. What happened to my friend last month.

She took had the RSVP request on an invitation for her son's surprise 14th birthday. A couple of days before the party she had only heard from less than half. She felt like it was not her responsibility to call (shouldn't be but that's another can of worms). The day of the party one of the mothers who is a friend of hers called and said she did not want to butt in but did she mean to exclude half of the basketball team he was on? She said no - they had all been invited. Turns out that half of the invitations (all mailed at the same time) had never arrived. She quickly got on the phone and called all these people and they all came. They were feeling pretty hurt they had not been invited. I too hate to call but if I have a place booked or whatever I will call a couple of days before the party and ask if they plan to come as it is difficult to know how many party bags to plan and it is hard for the party organizers to prepare without a ballpark figure. Usually people just feel really bad about not answering the RSVP or overlooking it. Sometimes for my kids' birthdays I would let them pick one or two special friends and have their special day - doing whatever they chose - instead of a party and that seemed to go over well. Maybe this could turn into that if it is going to be low attendance. But who knows - they could all be shopping for a gift right now. Good luck. Let us know how it turns out.

[mac56]

6. Yes, they should have the courtesy to RSVP.

Clearly they don't. I agree with the other poster: pick up the phone, do it for your daughter.

[thom1102]

8. I agree

Call them up and say "whassup, punk, don't play me like dat!" No, seriously, give 'em a call, and it isn't shaming them, you just need a head count. Don't boycott parties, though, that sorta punishes your daughter for their lack of courtesy.

[SoCalDem]

9. Definitely call the mothers

If it turns out that they are NOT coming, then just plan a special day for the ones who DO come..:)

and the next time you get an invitation to the ones who were no-shows, just reciprocate..

Since you have not told your daughter, she probably won't mind a smaller and more intimate party.. Maybe a movie and a "movie star make-over"...

or some other activity that your daughter likes..


We had some real disaster birthday parties.. You are not alone.. I once planned a dual party (my two youngest are a year apart and had the same friends, so I planned a party for both of them.. sent two invitations.) we planned an outside party for about 20 kids.. The day of the party it hailed, rained and then snowed.. So I had all those kids inside...and to top it off , about 6 of them brought their younger brothers/sisters, so I ended up with close to 35 kids, cooped up in my house running all over my house.. I was finding cupcakes a few days later.. Did I mention that we also had a labrador puppy that was chasing them all over??

and most of the kids did not even bring a gift :(..

Parents just don't have good manners ..:(

[radwriter0555]

14. Call them all and tell them the party is CANCELLED because no one

bothered to RSVP, therefore, you couldn't hold the space with so few responses.

Then plan a great party for the young lady with the people who did care enough to respond.

[Skittles]

10. your mom is correct

if these people don't understand simple common courtesy, they need to be taught. Call their lazy asses.

[BurtWorm]

11. I agree with the majority

Calling the ones who didn't RSVP is socially responsible, in that it reinforces the meaning of RSVP, which people seem to have forgotten. It's been cheapened by advertisers who use it when they don't mean it, so the rest of us assume it's pro forma. In fact, when you and I put RSVP on an envelope, we mean repondez, goddamit!

If I were in your spot, I would probably not want to call attention to the fact that I thought the nonresponders were guilty of something. I would bend over backwards to put them totally at ease. But my wife might start with a pointed, "I don't know if you tried to reply, as we requested, but I do need to know right away if little Muffy is coming..."

Happy birthday to your daughter! I have a seven-going-on-eight-year-old myself.

[supernova]

12. Yes, call the parents

and get a yea or nay on the invite.

If it turns out to be small, you don't have to spend the entire time at the roller skating rink. Go get pizza somewhere, or some other fav food of your daughter's.

No people don't have good manners, and you can't rely on them always doing the right thing "just because."

P.S. - I tried to have a birthday party (don't remember how old I was, 8?). Sent out about 18- 20, IIRC, invites and nobody came. I don't think we called everyone to confirm, either. So that was part of the problem. :'( I never went to another birthday party after that. And this was 1970!

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

13. Yes. CALL. If I was your kid...

I would want you to call. It can't hurt, and it would be doing her a big favor. Sometimes in the summer people lose track of obligations and things they were invited to (I almost missed a wedding this summer, so I know!).

[DrGonzoLives]

15. Call

To me, there is nothing more rude than not answering someone, although you get that all the time in the working world...

[Bunny]

16. okay, I'll call the mothers and ask.

You guys are WAY nicer than I am. But thanks for your advice. Maybe a gentle reminder call will do the trick, and if not, then at least I tried.

[Ramsey]

17. Epidemic lack of etiquette!

That is what we have in this country now. I throw 4-5 parties a year. There are always people who: a). never RSVP and don't show up; 2). RSVP they are coming then call at the last minute saying they cannot make it for no good reason; c). RSVP they are coming then don't show up and don't call; d). don't RSVP but show up anyway.

My mom and my husband's mom both had parties for us around the time of our wedding, these were sit down dinners mind you, and both had people say they were coming then not show up with no warning. Don't people realize that when you RSVP to a sit down dinner, you are being bought a dinner that has to be paid for whether you show up to eat it or not? My husband used to have a sit down dinner for his company's Christmas party every year, but stopped doing so this past year because of this same reason. Or people would RSVP, show up for cocktails then leave before dinner because they had somewhere else to be.

I have a three strikes rule. If any guest commits one of these faux pas three times, they get stricken from my guest list.

Now, the hosting rules of etiquette do suggest at least 3-4 weeks notice for any party. I relax my rules if I am doing something more informal and short-notice. But RSVP means answer yes or no, and I make it very easy on people these days my giving the option of voice mail or email reply. In the old days you had to write a freaking RSVP note!!!!

Edit: Doh, didn't address your question. Since it is a small number of people and since you need to know if you have to cancel the venue, I suppose you should call. But you shouldn't have to!!