Why do some women lose their mind the minute they meet some man?

[Love Bug]

My sister started seriously dating this guy one month ago and is moving in with him and his 7 year old daughter this weekend. Now, this is a pretty nice guy except he has baggage (one ex wife and a current one -- that he left for my sister but claims it was over anyway -- and he's just 30) and it's name ain't Gucci. OK, my sister is a grown woman in her mid 40s who is divorced and has had some other serious relationships so she is no novice when it comes to dealing with men.

In the past month I've seen my sister turn into our mother-- a 50's housewife, man is the head of the home, everything he wants is ok with me, etc. type. Mind you, this is the same woman who always claimed she was independent and didn't need a man in her life to have a life, etc.

Now, instead of integrating him into our family (he has no family here -- he just moved here from 6 hours away) she is expecting the rest of us to accommodate ourselves for him. Example: My sister said she would host dinner on Christmas day. No problem, our family has always celebrated Christmas on the actual day. My daughter has taken the past 3 years working to accommodate her husband's family and her oldest son's family regarding Christmas celebrations with the expectation that our family would always celebrate on Christmas day. Ok. Now, because the new man wants to spend Christmas day with just my sister and his daughter, my sister has decided she will host dinner for our family on Christmas eve instead. Well, this throws a huge monkey wrench in my daughter's plans because her son spends Christmas eve with his father's family and my daughter, her husband and their youngest son spend Christmas eve with her husbands' family. Now my daughter is now PISSED because she feels like she is being cheated out of Christmas with HER family just because my sister has a new man. My daughter and my sister are now not speaking to each other. I have offered to host dinner on Christmas day for my daughter and her family but now everything is ruined for her because the rest of the family (meaning my sister) won't be there. Up until now my daughter and my sister have always been close. My daughter doesn't understand why this new guy gets to trump everything everyone else wants.

Why do some women treat their family and friends like they are an imperfect substitute that just keeps you going until the "perfect" guy comes along? I tried to explain to my sister that just because she loves him that it's going to take the rest of us a little time to care because SHE'S ONLY BEEN DATING HIM ONE MONTH. She doesn't get it. She's in love "He's the first man I've know who really cares what I want." For all I know he could turn out to be the love of her life. I hope for her sake that is true. In the meantime, I'm stuck in the middle. My daughter is pissed, her husband is pissed, my sister is pissed, and I don't know what her man thinks about any of this, and frankly, don't care.

Thanks for letting me vent!

[SarahB]

1. And she'll wonder in another year....

"Why do I have such bad luck with men?" when it doesn't work out, right? :eyes:

People need to slow down sometimes.

[Love Bug]

2. Well, yeah, that thought has occurred to me

So what is she going to do once she has alienated everyone else who cares about her? You kind of expect this behavior in someone young and inexperienced, but she doesn't have that excuse.

[Ready4Change]

3. Venting welcome.

And I'm sorry, but I give them another 6 months, tops. Neither sounds ready or capable of a long term relationship. Instead, they feel love must be a rocket ride. When the ride is over (when things stop feeling as exciting as they always are when they are new) they will feel that "the love is gone."

The first to reach this conclusion will feel like the other has become impossibly clingy. The other will feel betrayed. Then there will be a hellish period when they will do everything they can to win friends and family to their side of the split.

I feel sorry for the guys kids, and hope your sister doesn't add another child to the mix. They both need professional help.

Good luck.

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

4. Back in my Bar crawling days...

I used to frequent a small place that was cheap, cozy and un-air-conditioned. It would draw a great crowd of singles.

One night, I noticed something that I came to recognize as a metaphor for larger things: The bar had a screen door. A rather noisy screen door. When that door opened and shut, it would make a rather distictive racket.

I was sitting at the bar, alone and watching the people. EVERY time that screen door sounded off, the vast majority of the people would look, very expectantly, at who was coming in. There would be couples there, guys giving women the chat, the whole spectrum. But then that screen door slammed, they had to look.

It was a metaphor for our search for the unattainable in our relationships with people. The next person in that door us gonna be the one. We have a hard time recognizing what we have in front of us.

It's the recipe for failure.

[redqueen]

5. I don't want to come off as offensive

but it sounds like she could do with some therapy.

Seriously.

[Love Bug]

15. No offense taken -- I agree

The women in my family seem to have a real knack of attracting men who need to be "fixed," which I think explains in part why I am happily single at this point in my life. Been there, done that, learned something, I hope.

[ewagner]

6. No consolation

but men also seem to lose their senses over women (personally been there, done that). It happens just as frequently in my opinion.

The sad part, in the case of either men or women, any attempt to bring them back to reason, or remove the blinders, is usually rebuffed. I've become a complete stoic about these situations; that is, they are adults (acting like children but adults nonetheless) and you simply can't and shouldn't try to control their life. It will only lead to resentment.

[TexasBushwhacker]

7. WOW - What a mess!

He's 30 and is now going to be going through his second divorce and your sister is in her MID 40'S? And she's moving in with him after they've been dating for a month?

I can understand the "new man" wanting to spend Christmas with his new "family unit", but why can't it be just Christmas MORNING. Tell your sister, that's right, don't ask, TELL your sister that YOU will host DINNER on Christmas day and that she and her new man and his son are welcome with open arms. As fast as all this is going, they could be broken up before Christmas anyway, and you don't want to throw ALL the families plans out of whack to accomodate your sister and her new love o' her life.

[Love Bug]

13. I could host dinner on Christmas day

But I can guarantee my daughter won't show up if my sister is there and my sister won't show up if my daughter is there. I think what I'll do is "respect" my sisters wish to spend Christmas alone with her man and host dinner for my daughter and her family and make the best of it.

Yeah, I don't understand why they can't just be "together" on Christmas morning. I know how if feels when you're in a new relationship and want to spend all of your time together, but you can't go around acting as if other people's feelings don't count. The one person I'm really concerned for in all this is the man's daughter. Her mother is the first wife, who lives in another state. He got custody of her this summer because the mother was caught giving kids alcohol (!). The poor kid, after getting used to wife #2 and a new school for a short time, has now been uprooted again to move here. She and I have talked quite a bit (she is now friends with my grandson, who is the same age) and she is a sweet and smart kid, but mighty confused. She is the one who is going to suffer for this in the end.

BTW-- I forgot to mention, they are moving into a townhouse ACROSS THE STREET from my daughter's place. More, fun, eh?

[radwriter0555]

28. Do what's easiest for you, invite everyone to xmas day dinner, enjoy

yourselves and don't take ANY Of it seriously, because none of it IS SERIOUS.

Just people sorting themselves out is all. If YOU set the tone, others will follow.

Keep everything, nice, simple, without rancor and no bitterness. It will be fine.

[KurtNYC]

8. Whichever party values the relationship less, controls it.

In other words, your sister seems to want this more than he does or she wouldn't be making these accomodations and changes. The repercussions you describe make it seem like this has gone quickly to another level.

hang in there

[elehhhhna]

10. Yep. And boy do I feel sorry for the guy's 7 year old.

[elehhhhna]

11. PS. His keeping sis from the family is a BIG RED FLAG.

[bobweaver]

9. Many men...

...also lose their mind the minute they meet some woman. It's not just women that do it. Many people make the mistake of losing their self when they enter into a relationship. They also can lose sight of what the effects of their actions are on the other people who are part of their life, such as family members. You must talk to her and explain what the effects she is having are on you and all the other members of her family. There is nothing wrong with telling her - all the time - what the effects are.

[Love Bug]

17. I hear you

My sister and my daughter spent the whole day yesterday either on the phone or by email discussing the effects this is having and my sister is hearing none of it. My daughter is done with her (for now) and knowing how stubborn everyone involved is, probably will be for some time. My sister-- who knows? I think she is looking at this as a "everyone is against us" (which is NOT true) situation. She's acting like a teenager.

Well, now, the damage is done. My sis and her man signed a 1 year lease on a place-- they have to live with the decision.

The "funny" thing is, when our mother met a man several years ago who pushed her into marriage very quickly, my sis was one of the loudest in trying to talk Mom into slowing down. Ironic, ain't it?

[Dora]

12. Wow, are you having fun yet?

Your sister could do what she wants to do.
Your daughter could do what she wants to do.
Let 'em be pissed. Some people like that best.

Granted, it's Christmas. To some families this is very important. It's a nice holiday, with lots of cheer and tradition and good will everywhere. If it's not, and it becomes a tortured process of negotiation and ill will, then it seems to me that everyone is better off just doing their own thing and finding the Christmas Spirit where it resides Instead of Where They Think it Ought to Be.

Now YOU, you should have a nice warm cuppa tea and a couple of cookies while wrapped in a snuggly blanket, and you should stop answering the phone.

[Love Bug]

14. LOL tea and cookies sounds like a good idea

I didn't mention my sister has been living with me for the past 2 years so I am, at least, getting my house and privacy back.

[AlCzervik]

16. Sounds like she's playing house and wants to get married

but hey, you get your place back.

[Love Bug]

18. You got THAT in one!

[AlCzervik]

19. i hope it works out for cause if it doesn't

it will be bad all around, mostly for i suspect because you will be her crying towel. As i am for my sister.

[Love Bug]

20. Yep-- she'll want to move back in again

At this point I'm not real sanguine about THAT idea.

[skygazer]

21. Sounds like she feels like her time is running out

She's in her mid 40's and she's found this guy who turns her crank and now she's hell bent for leather to hang on to it. And he's younger.

Perhaps she is feeling age creeping in and thinks this might be her "last chance". Not unusual. And she is throwing herself into being everything and anything for him to keep him. Also not unusual.

Unfortunately, that is very often a recipe for disaster. I know you didn't ask for advice but I'm going to offer some anyway - rather than be annoyed and irritated at her, let her do her thing, quit trying to reason with her (because she's not at a place where she's going to listen to reason) and just let her know you're there when she needs you. Because I bet she's going to.

And try to explain to your daughter that your sister is temporarily insane. :shrug:

[slestak]

22. Ruined?? (and a bit of personal venting)

I know it's stressful, but is Christmas really ruined because one person won't be there?

I've gone through a similar situation just recently at Thanksgiving (TD). I talk my wife into hosting dinner for all her family (Yes, it was my idea. More on that later.) Well, my BIL calls my wife a few days before TD and asks her what time she is serving dinner, because his live-in girlfriend has planned her own little TD party for her friends at 4:00 PM. So my wife gets very upset, of course, about having to schedule around the girlfriend (who the family doesn't like, each for their own personal reasons).

So what happened? We served dinner at 2:00. The BIL and his GF showed up, put in an appearance, and left early, and everyone ate turkey and was quite happy.

I know what it's like to see people lose their minds over love. My SIL, a smart, funny lawyer who I used to have great respect for, married an Uber-Freeper last year. He stockpiles guns, hates the UN, and loves Alan Keyes. He is not well-liked among my wife's stauch democratic family. He has little to no respect for women, and treats SIL like a 50's housewife, and she just shuts up and smiles and does what he says. The man is loathesome, and the situation is upsetting to the entire family.

So how did we wind up hosting TD? Read on (it is relevant.)

My wife's parents expect everyone to head up to their home in the mountains of northern NM for Christmas. If you count the two babies, that's 12 people staying in their 4-bedroom house for the holidays. It's crowded and hectic, and even though we're in one of the most beautiful parts of the state, it's not relaxing at all.

Initially, I tried to talk my wife into hosting Christmas, simply because it was sensible. Everyone except my wife's folks lives here in my city. My wife's grandparents, who are pushing 90, have to be on oxygen when they travel up there (elev. 8500 ft). I tell my wife that it makes more sense for the two of them to travel down here than the ten of us to travel up there. We could have Christmas, and everyone could go home and sleep in their own beds (except the in-laws, of course, who could stay with any one of their three kids).

Makes sense, no? Well, to avoid stepping on any toes, we compromise and host TD, but I remind my wife that we are young (30, and the oldest of the kids) and this family is only going to grow larger over the next 15 years or so, and there will come a point when Christmas in the mountains simply won't be feasable. not to mention the fact that some day, our daughter will probably want Santa to visit her at her own house. She reluctantly conceded to my arguments, because, well, they make more sense.

Here's my point: shit happens. Sorry to be so harsh, but as time goes by, things change, and families change, and though it may seem sometimes that they change for the worse, it usually isn't as bad as it initially seems. With all due respect, divorces and re-marriages make it even harder for families. It sounds like you are more upset with your sister over the new BF than the Christmas wrench, and that the change of tradition is just fuel to the fire.

I would really hate to see you write off Christmas because of this. I really mean that, because my in-laws nearly wrote off TD because of the BIL's un-smart GF. You don't have to like the new boyfriend, but, again, with all due respect, you should be more flexible when it comes to change. It should take a lot more than this to ruin a holiday.

EDIT: I spent the last hour writing this, and consequently missed about 15 posts, so please take that into consideration when reading this.

[Love Bug]

23. Thanks for your answer

It sounds like you have a sensible handle on your situation.

For the record, I'm not the one who feels Christmas will be ruined, that is my daughter. Because I live alone (well, at least I will once sis moves out tomorrow) I'm pretty flexible. I've spent Christmas away from home more than once and have come to learn it is what you choose to make it.

However, there is more to it than what I posted earlier. My son-in-law lost his job 2 weeks ago, so right now they are going through a lot of grief and tension over that. Add in the idea my daughter has always wanted a big family around for holidays (we are only a few) and you can see that her expectations about Christmas have always been a bit unrealistic. I've tried to talk to her about that, and she has come to terms with it somewhat, but now she feels like she is losing what little family she has. I like to think this all wouldn't be so dramatic if they weren't so stressed about the job loss. To me, that is the more important issue anyway.

As far as how I feel about my sis's boyfriend-- My concern is how this has changed her. It feels like she was swapped for a stepford wife or something. I acknowledge she is an adult and entitled to make her own decisions. About all I can do is live and let live and focus on making my grandson's Christmas the best I can.

[slestak]

29. You're certainly welcome

Thanks for letting me vent a bit. I figured there was a bit more to the story than you originally let on.

As for my situation, it's a little easier for me to get a handle on because these people are my in-laws. I like them, they like me, and I've been with my wife for 12 years, but, because they're so different than my family, I don't feel like I'm 100% "family" with them. I can remain a bit detached and objective.

I'm sorry to hear about your Son-IL. I know they must be going through a lot, especially with Christmas looming.

As for your sister and her boyfriend, like I said, the same thing happened to my Sis-IL. It's a difficult situation, one that's hard to accept, but it sounds like you are doing everything you can to cope.

[noonwitch]

24. My mom got a boyfriend recently and is acting the same way

I told my sister "If she hadn't already dumped me for your kids, I might be hurt".
She used to come visit me every couple of months or so. She hasn't been to see me since March. She stopped going to church, and this is a woman who forced me to go to her church every Sunday because she was afraid the fundies would get me. She doesn't hang out with her female friends anymore. She also doesn't visit my sister as often, and is not spending as much time with her grandchildren.

There's also the whole sexual hypocrisy thing. She was mortified when my sister moved in with her husband prior to marrying him. She even tried to manipulate them into getting married right away, but calling my dad and asking him how much money he was going to contribute to the wedding before they were even engaged. And, like in "8 Mile", she wants to talk to me about her sex life, and I don't want to hear about it.

I'm happy she has someone, but geez.

[the Princess]

25. Chemistry baby

It will make you do stupid stupid things
EVERY......... F*CKING........ TIME. Ask me how I know. :)

It's why people have affairs - why people leave their spouses and why people move in together a few days to a few weeks after meeting.

You gotta wait till the sexual chemistry dies down to see if it's real.

*Sigh* If I was only that smart when it happened to me. :)

[radwriter0555]

26. eh don't worry, after he's spent all her money and she's tired of paying

all his child support, she'll move out.

Just be there for her when she does. It will all be fine.

This won't last more than a few months.

[Tweed]

27. They get the 'love bug'

You should know all about this one.

[Love Bug]

30. *snerk* yep, I do!

Yeah, that old "luv bug" can be one rough critter! :D