Potentially depressing question. Not to be maudlin. Just curious.

[Bertha Venation]

If you are a survivor of abuse at the hands of your parents (including emotional abuse), do you have any good memories of your childhood that include your parents? Are all the good things that happened outweighed by the bad?

I really don't want this to get maudlin. I am just curious of others' experiences. I survived, too, and I have some good memories. Thinking on what I survived, I honestly don't know how that is possible. Here are two good ones.

I crashed and burned terribly on my bike, and my mother actually mothered me afterwards. I still can't believe it.

The other -- and this is the memory that precipitated this thread -- I got a Wilson baseball glove for Christmas, I think when I was seven or eight. I'll remember that glove forever. Receiving it was special. I used it until high school.

To reiterate: any good memories, or is any possible good obliterated by the bad?

Thanks.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

1. I don't remember anything good my mom ever did...

And I'm sure there was something...but she has always acted as if I was a dog or something. She's ok sometimes now, but I'm sure that view will change after I live with her for the next month while I'm looking for work.
Duckie

[NamVetsWeeLass]

2. I have a lot of good Memories of My Dad.

He wasn't the Abuser, though... That title belongs to Mother. Dad died when I was 8, so he couldn't help. Mom used to abuse my BRother and I both and then buy us all kinds of expensive things in some type of warped effort to buy our love. I will Say that there are somethings that I recall that are good memories, and I will say she is an EXCELLENT Grandmom. I think that the Brother and I were more like "practice" or something. :shrug: I will say she is the reason I hate Holidays so much. She would ALWAYS manage to create a scene, pick a HUGE fight or in general just make it seem like we owed her everything and didn't deserve anything we got as gifts. :shrug:

[commander bunnypants]

3. yes

My mom abused me but also tried to do good. 1970's single parent 3 hellions. Mostly Winnie the Pooh and Christmas cartoons.. Also Nailers beach


CB

[mopinko]

4. my father

my father was probably bi-polar. he medicated with alcohol. like so many bp's, he was an amazing genius, and as funny and charming as they came when he was not being mean and belligerent.
i was a smart little girl, and he used to love to teach me things. i still vividly remember the day that he explained to me that different elements burned with a different color light. we spent a half an hour sticking things in the burners on the stove to see what color they made. i have a lot of memories like that. all the things he taught me are really what helped me put the pain behind me.

he was also a staunch dem, who didn't care what color your skin was. and one of the few "old" people i knew that was against the viet nam war.

[Tikki]

23. This sounds like my mother....

For her it wasn't alcohol, though. It was prescription drugs. I wouldn't have called her charming or funny. She was extremely artistic and talented in that way. She knew I was a smart little girl and through it all she encouraged my intellectual growth.

[Lerkfish]

5. yes, its possible.

I was emotionally abused: as in, taught to feel i was completely worthless, could do nothing right, etc. etc. (even though I was a straight A student, senior class president, and voted most likely to succeed). I excelled at school because I could actually obtain acceptance for being good, something I could not get at home. No matter what i did, it was wrong, I would even be set up (I realized as an adult) to fail at home so that my dad could feel superior by humiliating me.
As an adult, i came to understand the problem was his, his own lack of self esteem, that made him feel good ONLY if he could make those around him feel unworthy. After I came to that realization and reached a point of forgiveness, I could finally retrieve some good memories. Up until that point, all I could remember were the bad memories, they haunted me and hamstrung me for many years -- for example, i would always sabotage relationships with women if it appeared they were actually starting to like me, because there must be something wrong with THEM to like ME. (long story down that road, but I digress).

I then had good memories...like when I got straight A baseball tickets my dad would actually take me to the stadium, and even though I was not a sports fan, it was at least a couple of hours where he stopped trying to make me feel worthless. He was a big baseball fan, so he got excited explaining everything to me. that was probably one of the few glimpses into what he was like, apart from his need to humiliate others. He was actually a nice man, in fact he was nice to everyone BUT his family. I know there are a lot of abusers like that.

I remember as a small child, he would stop off and let us buy soft ice cream cones. He was a coach for my sister's softball league and after games he would take all the players to a hot dog stand, and we would tag along. WITH OTHER PEOPLE around, he was a great guy. So I keep those memories.
And, later in life, before he died, I think he realized he screwed up because we never came to visit him (why go to get abuse?). Finally, I'd had enough, and decided I was going to bury the hatchet and forgive him completely, to his face and make peace.
i went back with my sisters, and like always, he started in on all our faults. I was 30, the youngest, so we were all adults....I stopped him and said "dad, do you remember ANY positive things about us kids?". That shut him up for about an hour. He actually looked like I had struck him with a baseball bat. Then, a great thing happened....out of the blue, he started bringing up positive things about us. It took him an hour to think of them, but once that dam burst, the relationship was tons better. He died soon after, so I'm glad I did that.

[Modem Butterfly]

8. If you don't mind sharing...

...I'd like to know how you overcame the low self-esteem and the self-sabotaging behavior. Or, if you haven't yet overcome it, how you're coping. Thanks.

[Lerkfish]

10. several things, but mainly the persistent love of a good woman...

my first wife would not LET me sabatoge the relationship, even though I tried. She was the first person who MADE me look in the mirror and see a good person. AFter that, it was a long struggle against low self esteem. When she passed away, for a long time I continued to have problems, then I met another wonderful woman, my wife now, who is a big help.
Overall, I win more than I lose, but I can still run into that brick wall.
Like, at work, I have a boss who is a little like my dad...quick to anger and blame me for things that arent my fault. When that happens, I have a conditioned visceral reaction that I have to almost physically fight to keep from taking me over, because it is too reminiscent of my father.

One book that was a big help to me in diagnosing my problem was "homecoming" (I forget the author) he was a big name for a while on the topic of the inner child. The book really helped me to understand the dysfunctional dynamics of my family. For example, my one sister became the ultimate mediator, always trying to argue between us and my dad, and my other sister became the ultimate martyr, taking on as much abuse onto herself to save the rest of us. I became like the overachiever, constantly trying to win favor.

However, I would warn that the book was not much good on SOLVING the issue, his suggestions were lame and hokey and did me no good, but once it had helped me define in my own mind where the problem areas were, it allowed to me dispel their influence to some degree and break their spell enough for me to work on them in my own way.

The hardest part was, and still is, letting go of control of things in my own life...since i have the need to overachieve, if projects don't seem to be going in an excellent direction, I start to get very frustrated, out of proportion to the problem. The only thing that helps me is if I can separate myself far enough to realize that's what's happening...then I can say "oh, yeah. I DON"T have to be the best human ever to do this or that thing." Then I can relax.

But, like many addictions, I occasionally backslide and self-sabotage. The only difference is that now I realize what I'm doing and can sometimes forestall it or minimize the damage.

[Modem Butterfly]

6. My partner was abused by his mother

I don't think I've ever heard him recall anything nice about her. They didn't speak for about ten years. When we first started living together, I got adult chicken pox and he called his mother to find out if he'd ever had it. Her first words to him, after he said, "Hi Mom," were "How did you get this number?"

Of course, now we find out that his mother is bi-polar and he has to handle her affairs while she's in the hospital. He says that it's put his childhood into perspective, but she was still, and is still, a lousy excuse for a mother. The whole thing has really put him through a lot of stress.

[Beware the Beast Man]

7. My father wasn't abusive, just a deadbeat,

so I more or less dealt with neglect, but I can't recall a single good memory of him. My memory may be clouded by hindsight, though.

[Cheswick2.0]

9. I was sexually abused

and after I went that whole realization etc etc... I remembered that there were also positive things that he brought into my life. So it's good and bad. There are aspects of myself, things I know and have done, that would not be part of me if not for that person. Things like camping and canoeing, x-country skiing...lots of wilderness exprience. My resulting love and deep appreciation of nature is one of the things that have convinced me there is a higher order to the universe.
So yeah, it's never sinple is it? I wouldn't say the good outweighed the bad. I would just say that life is like that...good and bad, sweet and sour.

[Bertha Venation]

11. I really hate to confess it, but I think the seed for my love of baseball

was planted by my stepfather, my primary abuser. I understand what you are saying completely.

At one time I let the memory of the abuse rule me, to the point of destroying something I'd received -- something I needed in my life, but couldn't bear to keep -- as payment for services rendered. At the time I needed to do it, but I regret it.

I'm glad I forgave him before I realized it was him who taught me how to play ball.

Good and bad, sweet and sour.

[havocmom]

12. I have good memories of past abusers to temper the bad memories.

Went through a lot of anger but on the other side of that comes the chance to see the others as human beings with strengths and failings. Hard to knock a parent/grandparent off an illusionary pedestal, but healthier in the long run, I think.

The people I know who have not recognized/acknowledged abuse are more crippled than those of us who have managed to get through the many stages of dealing with it. When you come out of all that, you are bruised and probably scared, but you are more whole and possibly more human & humane.

Just my observations.

[MuseRider]

16. You are so right.

I could not get over my fathers death. I was 35 years old, 16 years after his death, in therapy because I did not really know how to live or relate to people well. My therapist asked me why thinking about my fathers death made me cry still. We talked and it came down to me saying, "but the way he was raised he really didn't know any better than to treat us like that." My therapist looked at me and replied, "Bullshit", I had never heard him say anything like that and it startled me so much but it changed my life that one little word. You observations are correct.

[MuseRider]

13. A few

but only a few. I have tried to remember something good, there are a couple of good memories but there are more bad ones and actually not too many of those either. It is almost like I was born when I was 20. I quickly made up for my non existent childhood. :hi:

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

14. I have good memories from the age of 4 ...

But everything between the ages of when I was 5 years old and 11 years old - I have completely blocked out ... I don't remember anything at all . I went through emotional abuse and un-needed whippings and stupid stuff . I got through it through my own will , its not something that I talk about . I just promised myself to not let any child or person go through what I went through .

[Cheswick2.0]

20. I wonder if you are ever going to get those years back

What do you think?

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

22. Yes I do think that I am going to get those years back ...

In some kind of way I am - maybe through the happiness of raising wonderful kids and my feelings of wanting to have a great family . But most of all , I actually through a weird force of nature and living overseas ,I got over everything in my childhood . I finally realized that everything that happened was not my fault . I seriously don't remember anything from those times ...

Everything was excellent in my life up until the age of like 5 , everything changed after that - I suffered emotional and psychological abuse - and I got whippings for no reason sometimes - I became a very quiet person - I just hid in my own world . It got to the point that at the age of 11 , I did not care if I woke up in the mornings anymore - The problems did not go away past the age of 11 either but I knew that one day I would be free . I spent more time out of the house as much as I could . I would stay after school as long as I could just so I did not have to go home . Sometimes I would come home from school at 7 pm or so - Four hours after school had let out . I had an outlet in music . I became a darn good Clarinet player , so good I was offered music scholarships and I won a lot of awards - Music gave me something to live for and it let me hide within - When I turned 18 while I was in college all hell broke lose in my head and mind , and I started battling my depression really bad ) so I just took time away from everything and completely healed myself without meds , I turned to music writing down all of my feelings and thoughts - I look at everything that I have written since the age of 20 to now and I grew a lot - ... Whenever I tell people sometimes about the things that I went through , they say they are amazed at how I came out to be such a nice person . And its because I knew that it did not have to be the way that things were going , I knew that I could make it better . I actually left the country to heal myself because I had to get over these feelings before I settled down in life , I did not want to affect anyone else ... And it worked :) I am a better person now :)

[skypilot]

15. I was physically and emotionally abused...

...by my foster mother for 11 years. She never formally adopted me and I wasn't supposed to be with her for quite so long but my biological mother never got her act together. The only good memories I have of that period are of the times when I was left alone. My foster mother, Kitty, was a horror show. She had not one redeeming quality; and believe me, over the years I have tried to think of at least one. The only thing I can come up with is that she didn't drink or do drugs but that kind of makes her all the more awful since she was as horrible as she was without the influence of any controlled substance. Just naturally malevolent. Anyway, my best memories are of being left alone. I loved being a latchkey kid and looked forward to any and all occasions when Kitty would leave the house. That was all I needed: for her to leave the house. I've recently realized that that need for being alone has crossed over into my adult life. I do alright in social settings but I cherish my alone time.

[Cheswick2.0]

19. sure because when you were left alone no one was hurting you

you knew you were safe for some period of time. I feel the same way.

[Lisa0825]

17. I'm sure my troubles were mild compared to others', but

my father was an alcoholic and was verbally/mentally abusive. The majority of my memories of my dad are negative, but yes, I do still have some good memories from my childhood.... like the time I saved my allowance for 4 months to buy a portable stereo, and the day my mom was supposed to take me to the city to pick it up, my dad sneaked out with the family car, and when he returned, he had bought the stereo for me. It wasn't the money. It was nice that he wanted to surprise me with something, not for a holiday or birthday... just because he knew I wanted it, and I had worked hard to save for it.

My teen years were spent thinking he hated me, but before he died, he quit drinking, and we had a couple years to relate to each other without the mean drunkeness.

[gtp1976]

18. yes.

My dad used to drink but not every night. Best dad in the world sober. Biggest ass in the world drunk. Mostly to my mom and my older brother, though.

But yes, I have great childhood memories of my dad. I also have some pretty disturbing ones.

[redqueen]

21. I have a few good memories of my mom, but...

mostly it's all ruined. Tainted by all the other stuff.

[Phillycat]

24. Severely physically, emotionally, and sexually abused.

I remember my mother teaching me very gently and nicely about what to expect when I got my period. She bought me supplies beforehand and was very loving and understanding. One of the few good memories I have.