Lessons Of Big Government
by: "Boxcar" Acuff, Country Music Star / Proud Neocon
I'm just an ole' country singer from Mule Ass, Tennessee who believes in the red, white, and blue! Shoot, I ain't the brightest light bulb, but I know that I ain't smart neither. I figure that when our President sends our troops off to war we have to stand by our president and not ask questions! This is something real Americans do. We stand by our president, if he is a republican that is. We know they have values and morals. We also know that some people, namely the democrats, were against this war in Iraq. Don't these people know that Saddam posed a gathering threat to America? Don't the democrats know that he had weapons-of-mass-destruction-related-program-activities or some shit like that?
I guess we republicans look at things different than democrats. It is like President Bush said, '"9-11 changed my view of the world." I think all of us republicans view things this way. We tend to view thing in black and white. "You are either with us or against us!" That's what we republicans say.
My old granddaddy used to say, "Pud, there ain't no middle ground. . . . so, hows 'bout letting old grandaddy prove it to you." Then old granddaddy Steamboat Acuff would grab my younger brother and strip him off butt naked. Little brother would cry and scream, but old granddaddy Acuff was a wise man who knew what was best for little brother and me. Granddaddy would then undo his overalls and reveal his massive arousal to little brother and me. "You boys see this? This is Big Government!" Granddaddy would say as he bent little brother over. "This is Big Government invading your personal space....and this is big government telling you to respect minorities.....and this is Big Government coming into your home!"
"Owwwww.....Hell Far!.....Big Government ain't worth a shit!" little Brother would scream out in pain. He learned first hand what too much of Big Government can do to a man! Granddaddy would tell us that having Republican values is what made the Acuff family strong. "Pud, don't ever let me catch you lookin' at them nudie books," Granddaddy told me when I turned fourteen. That was his way of teachin' me 'bout right and wrong. He was tryin' to tell me that sex was for makin' babies, and not to be exploited in some sleazy book. "Not, unless you ask your granddaddy first, and then I will go get them out from under my bed and we'll look at them together." He continued to tell me that day when I turned fourteen. That was his way of teaching me morals and Republican values.
"Pud, them liberals and democrats won't stop until they turned the whole damn U.S. Army queer as football bats!" Granddaddy told me one day, when he, little brother, and I were out in the cattle pond skinny dippin'. I didn't believe him then, but I know today that if John Kerry, had his way, old granddaddy's words would become true! "Pud, if them liberals and democrats had their way, they would let queers marry each other, and then the queers will take over America! I am tellin' ya that someday queers will take us over without firin' a shot!" Granddaddy said to us and then he added, "Pud, tell your little brother to dive down under old grandpa into this murky pond water and see if he can find granddaddy's surprise." So, I told little brother and he did, and he didn't find anything, but granddaddy whipped him and made him stay down in the murky pond water until he found it. Granddaddy got a stupid-ass look on his face when little brother found it. He commenced to shakin' and shimmerin' and then he moaned out, "Oh...Good... boy...good...." That was his way of teachin' responsibility to little brother. "An Acuff always does what he is told!" Was how he would say it.
Sadly, it wasn't long after that skinny dippin' that the commie-big-government Family and Child Services Bureau come and got old granddaddy Steamboat Acuff. They had these papers that said he couldn't be around us kids anymore. That is just one of the reason this old country boy votes republican. This old country boy knows what big government will do!
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