Post in this thread, and I'll answer in the style of Donald Rumsfeld.

[nickgutierrez]

Why would I do that? I don't know. Am I gonna do it anyway? You bet I am.

[pres2032]

1. so how about that armor?

where is it?

[nickgutierrez]

8. I don't know.

But it's the sort of thing that's a "known unknown", or one of the things that we know we don't know. There are several other variables involved in the answer to this question that we don't know exist, that we might refer to as "unknown unknowns", as well as the things that we know we know, or "known knowns", and the things we don't know we know, or "unknown knowns".

[pres2032]

10. wow, what an answer

my head hurts now, but i accept your answer because you're the all knowing SecDef

[EstimatedProphet]

2. Do we really need to rummage through garbage dumps

in order to find material to post?

[nickgutierrez]

5. Well, that's a good question.

Should you have to? Of course not.

But the fact is that it's a matter of supply, and we just don't have the materials available right now. In fact, I had to go through raw sewage just to find materials pertinent to the making of this post.

[WindRavenX]

3. Why do I have to take my final exams Mr. Rumsfield?

Why???

[nickgutierrez]

11. Um... I think it's because GOD(tm) hates you.

But I really don't know if that's the case or not.

[JohnKleeb]

4. Donny can I get a pass out of school so I can deny the truth with you

and get state of the art teeth.

[nickgutierrez]

13. The people who work on my teeth are a world-class operation.

But I find it hard to understand why some people, in the media and elsewhere, say that I deny the truth. All I do is judge the information available to me in such a way as to refuse to acknowledge the essence of it, while latching onto a minor detail that seems to support my case. That's quite a different thing.

[JohnKleeb]

15. Follow up sir

Which right wing fembot are you dating now?

[nickgutierrez]

20. No follow ups.

And now that I've said that, I'll answer your question. I've stopped bothering with actual people, instead preferring an actual fembot. This one is named Ann Coulter, and she comes with a little extra.

[JohnKleeb]

23. no further questions

[datasuspect]

6. can i borrow 5 dollars?

[nickgutierrez]

17. That five dollars belongs to Halliburton.

Who, by the way, is doing a great job in Iraq.

:evilgrin:

[Aristus]

7. What will the weather be like tomorrow? n/t

[JohnKleeb]

9. heh I can find that on my cell phone

I can find out a lot of things on there :).

[nickgutierrez]

18. Hey, that kid's cellphone has better information than the DoD.

We really gotta get rid of him. And the doorknobs crawling up the walls.

[nickgutierrez]

21. It will be a catastrophic success.

Yeah, I know, the President said that first, but I thought of it.

[arwalden]

12. Why are fewer people enlisting in the military?

[nickgutierrez]

22. Because we're at war.

It's a well known fact that the more the military is actually used to kill people in foreign nations, there will be less people willing to go do that. That's known. What we don't know is why you liberal types like to continue to harp on this fact.

[Yavin4]

14. How Can I Be As Incompetent On My Job As You Are..

and never get fired?

[nickgutierrez]

24. The key is a massive level of incompetence.

To the point where your employer is forced to not acknowledge that you ever made a mistake, because that would reflect poorly on his own record. You may be incompetent, and I have no doubt that you are, but you aren't nearly incompetent enough.

[Elidor]

16. Several of your top advisors

Consider the interests of Israel to trump those of U.S. Middle-East policy. How will killing innocent Iraqis help anyone?

[nickgutierrez]

25. You have to kill them before they kill us.

And by "them" I don't just mean the terrorists, or even the potential terrorists, but all of them. It's our mission, and there's really not much else we can do since they attacked us.

[LynneSin]

19. So how about them Eagles!! They won again tonight

:D

[nickgutierrez]

26. The Eagles are a good team.

But what you have to remember is that there are all these little splinter groups that want to take the Eagles down, and there's not nothing they can do to stop them.

[LynneSin]

35. wait, no, this is the Eagle's year to win the Super Bowl

You just want Will Pitt to win the Bunny Suit bet

[ScrewyRabbit]

27. My gosh, Donald, I haven't heard you say My gosh or Oh my

Is this a mistake or an oversight, or both, or nor, or neither? And are you or do you plan to gesticulate with your hands?

[nickgutierrez]

28. My gosh, you know, it's hard to recreate mannerisms...

in this kind of forum. It would, really, be much easier if I had a tab beforehand.

[ScrewyRabbit]

31. You've been superlative throughout

My goodness, I'm not here to question that. Of course not. The question isn't whether you've been true to the source, but to what degree the source has been true to you, and where, and how, and with whom?

[strategery blunder]

29. Will there be a draft?

[nickgutierrez]

30. NO! THERE WILL NOT BE A DRAFT!

There may, on the other hand, be a procedure wherein certain youths of underpriveledged background may be selected for military service, but this in no way constitutes any kind of draft at all. My gosh, you know, you all really have no idea what it's like on the ground, aside from what you hear from the media. I do, I mean, I have access to information that you all probably don't, and I think it's going just fine.

[ScrewyRabbit]

32. Don, why haven't you been as prominent in the media

since things fell to shit in Iraq?

[nickgutierrez]

33. That's a tough thing to measure, you know.

I can't say whether or not the media has chosen to cover what I say or don't say and the degree to which they cover what I say or don't say. What I do know is that if I have become more rare in the past few weeks, it's because we received non-specific information on the opium supply from Afghanistan, and we've taken steps to confiscate parts of that supply so we can try and get more specific information on this subject.

[ScrewyRabbit]

34. Have you ever fantasized about Condi in a push-up bra

and croth-less panties? I ask only in the interest of science, and history.

[nickgutierrez]

36. I can't say that I don't

My gosh, she's an unmarried woman and I'm a dirty old man. Have I had these sorts of fantasies? You bet I have. Would I ever act on them? Possibly. Would she be up for it? Maybe. Should the moment come, would I do it? Possibly.

(OC: have I made anybody vomit yet? :puke:)

[ScrewyRabbit]

37. Answer

No, I'm highly amused by this. You've got it down!

[Contrary1]

38. Mr. Rimsfull...please elaborate on your comment

"You bet I have. Would I ever act on them? Possibly. Would she be up for it? Maybe. Should the moment come, would I do it? Possibly."

But wouldn't that fall under the category of "hard work"?
And would you be willing to compete with Chimpie in a mano
to mano contest to win her heart? If so, just how far are
you willing to go?

And who would run the war in the meantime?

[nickgutierrez]

39. Everything I do is hard work.

But it's not as though I sit here in this chair and simply seperate the hard work from the medium-range work. For me, walking in a straight line is hard work, as is keeping George out of my acid supply. Speaking of straight lines, you would be surprised at half of the things he does around here, but I digress. To respond to the rest of your question, the war will be run by the generals in the same way as it's been all along, and my chasing of the ass will have little to no effect on the way the war is carried out.

[ScrewyRabbit]

40. Is Viagra the miracle drug Bob Dole says it is?

[nickgutierrez]

41. I can't say I'm familiar with that particular substance.

I also can't say I'm not familiar with that particular substance.

[Kool Kitty]

42. Mr. Secretary-

thanks for taking our questions. Would you please tell me why democracy is untidy, and why are free people allowed to loot? Since I don't have a lot of money to spend this Christmas, would I be allowed to loot, being that I live in a democracy and all?

[nickgutierrez]

43. There are certain things that free people aren't allowed to do.

I mean, you can't do things like looting, shooting people, or disagreeing with the President. Some things, even in a free nation, aren't free for people to do. Now I, as the Secretary of Defense, can do whatever the hell I want, but that's a different story.