A de-friending question:

[StopTheMorans]

I have a de-friending situation that I'm feeling quite guilty about now that we're in the middle of the holiday season, and would appreciate any thoughts. Here goes: I was a waiter a few years ago, and became friends with one of my coworkers (named Matt). Matt is extremely hyperactive and caustic at times (i.e. tries to start arguments with anyone he is hanging out with). He can also be fairly amusing and he is an intelligent person. I'd been friends with Matt for the last two years, and had learned to tolerate his antics fairly well, even though he could be embarrassing to hang around with in bars (i.e. he often would scare away people that i was talking to by being too loud/aggressive and/or extremely opinionated and inflexible), and hard to tolerate in other situations. the last straw was when we met up at a bar for the first patriots game of this season. we started talking about the red sox (i've lived in boston for about 3 1/2 years) and i told him that i was looking forward to the playoffs. he started yelling at me and said things like "what the fuck man; you can't be a red sox fan if you haven't lived here your whole life!!!!!!!!" this went on for about a 1/2 an hour. after attempting (and failing) to change the subject, and after Matt had scared away a group of girls that my housemate and I were talking to, I decided that enough was enough, and told Matt that I had to leave. As this kind of situation had happened many times before, I decided that it wasn't worth my time to put up with Matt's idiosyncracies (especially since I feel like I don't even have enough time for all of my friends that I really enjoy spending time with). This was 3 1/2 months ago now. I think I'm feeling bad about it now b/c Matt lives alone, doesn't get along well with his parents/sister (he's from this area), and only has one other friend that I know of. I'm having a party this weekend, and a lot of my good friends are coming (as well as many of my housemate's friends). Do I invite Matt and risk him making a scene at the party (which should be a lot of fun if it's anything like last year), or do I just let de-friended friends lie? Any thoughts are appreciated :D

[tk2kewl]

1. let de-friended friends lie

he needs to learn the hard way that friendships are 2-way streets.

[StopTheMorans]

2. thanks for your thoughts; in my more rational (and less emotional)

moments, I tend to feel the same way (and I think this is why he's had friends in the past, but hasn't retained them).

[Demit]

3. Well, if you think scenes are fun, invite him. I would bet your other

friends might be tired of him, though, or are putting up with him because of their friendship with you. I don't think it's your job to "rescue" somebody b/c he has few friends. He has some responsibilty there, to get along with others.

[StopTheMorans]

6. my other friends think that his outbursts are amusing, but i do

imagine that you're right about them being sick of them (a girl i used to date was convinced that he had a "conduct disorder). and thanks for your thoughts on "rescuing" a friend, I appreciate it. great user name :D :thumbsup:

[JimmyJazz]

4. I think if you haven't seen him in 3 1/2 months, you shouldn't feel

obligated to invite him. Why risk having everyone else be uncomfortable if he starts one of his tirades? Maybe he needs to do a little introspection to determine why he has no friends and doesn't get along with his family.

[StopTheMorans]

8. well, he's called me probably 10 or 15 times in the last 3 1/2 months

but has never left a msg (feels kind of like an ex almost with the way he never leaves msgs :D i guess that i could just wait and talk to him after the holidays; i think that the thought of him having to hang out by himself for the holidays is what is making me feel so guilty. and maybe with a little introspection, he may realize that he needs to be a little more appreciative of his relationships with his friends/family (or maybe that's just wishful thinking). thanks for your thoughts :D

[JimmyJazz]

11. then have him over at another time when it's just the two of you, but

I wouldn't take the chance of spoiling your party just to accomodate him.

[mopinko]

5. life is too short

i wouldn't inflict a jerk on my friends. if you want to see matt again, do it somewhere you can escape from.
matt sounds like he could use a little therapy.

[StopTheMorans]

12. "i wouldn't inflict a jerk on my friends"

that's a great way of putting it! re: therapy; i've often thought the same thing (he hasn't had a relationship with a girl in nearly 6 years; i think due to many of the same reasons he can't get along with friends/family). i just don't think that there's an easy way that i could bring that up with him; or maybe i just don't want to deal with the fallout :D

[Jessica]

7. If you're honestly, undoubtedly okay with forfeiting the friendship,

then let it lie. However, if you think it's worth the effort and you truly valued your friendship, invite him - but I'd preface the invitation with an explanation of why you haven't spoken in a few months. Be honest with him & give him examples of when you've been embarassed, etc. If he understands why you feel this way & wants to maintain your friendship, then he'll meet you half-way. If he doesn't & becomes aggressive/attacking/upset, then you've really lost nothing.

I've been in a similar situation with one girlfriend of mine - and in the end, I've been honest with her & although there is distance between us, I still value our friendship.

Hope my rambling helps!

[StopTheMorans]

13. that's the problem, i'm not "undoubtedly okay" with forfeiting the

friendship. we had some really fun times together, and i feel like, underneath it all, he is a "good person" (for whatever that means). i really like your suggestion of inviting him with an explanation of why i haven't spoken to him lately; i guess that a little honest communication couldn't hurt (although i think he does have anger management issues and that he probably would explode at first). thanks a lot for your thoughts, your perspective on your friend helps :D

[Jessica]

14. I've found that honesty really is the key to friendships -

It strengthens the meaningful relationships & weeds out the ones that just aren't worth it. Good luck - hope it all works out for ya. ;-)

[KurtNYC]

9. I agree with "no"

possibly the next step would be a one on one drink after work or something but if groups are the problem it seems like that is what should be avoided.

[StopTheMorans]

19. thanks Kurt; it might be better to just invite him out for a drink alone

and see if he can handle that, and then move forward from there.

[Maddy McCall]

10. Let it go.

You don't need it.

[Wickerman]

15. 'Tis the season

invite him over. He may be an ass - he may not. I don't believe in being too fussy about friends. He obviously has good points, enjoy those.

[StopTheMorans]

18. he does have good points; i'm just getting to the point in my life

where i'm so busy that i only feel like i have enough QT for those who are really important to me (and I do have a good amount of friends here who I really value). I don't know, I think that i may have to find the answer over a printed-out version of this thread and a healthy amount of eggnog tonight ;)

[havocmom]

16. If you wanna help him & remember him at Christmas but not ruin your own

holiday time, send him a good book about personality disorders. Include a couple of business cards of some cognitive therapists in your area as bookmarks ;)

To pal around with him out of sympathy is only gonna prolong his agony by enabling it. Don't go there. You just end up wasting your time and energy, ultimately becoming resentful and alone just like him. That does not help anyone.

[StopTheMorans]

17. hehe, great post!

I think your first suggestion is both appropriate and highly-amusing. i also liked "You just end up wasting your time and energy, ultimately becoming resentful and alone just like him. That does not help anyone." i'm DEFINITELY not looking to become resentful and alone; thanks for the advice :D