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.. BREAKING NEWS: GOD OVERRULES BLACKWELL
Bush to be smitten later today
In a stunning development this morning, God invoked the "one nation, under God" clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to overrule the Ohio State decision that handed the White House to George Bush.
"I'm not sure where the that Blackwell gets off," God said this morning on a rare Today Show appearance, "but I'm sure as hell not going to lie back and let Bush get away with this bullshit."
"I've watched analysts argue for weeks now that the exact vote count in Ohio 'will never be known.' Well, I'm God and I DO know exactly who voted for whom. Let's cut to the chase: Kerry won Ohio by exactly 110,323 votes."
Shocking political analysts and pundits, God's unexpected verdict overrules the official State tally and awards Ohio to John Kerry, giving him an overall majority in the Electoral College. The Bush campaign is analyzing God's Word for possible grounds for appeal.
"God's ruling is a classic over-reach," argued Bush campaign strategist Karl Rove. "Clearly, a divine intervention in a U.S. Presidential Election is unprecedented, unjust, and goes against the constitution of the state of Ohio."
"Karl Rove's a jackass," God responded. "He's got some surprises ahead of him, let me tell you. HOT ones, if you know what I mean."
God, who provided the exact vote counts for every Ohio precinct, explained that rigged balloting machinery and voter intimidation were no grounds to give the White House to "a fuckin' idiot."
Our Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with George W. Bush's prideful ways and announced that he would officially smite him today. In an act of wrath unlike any reported since the Book of Job, God has taken all of Bush's goats and livestock, stripped him of his wealth and possessions, sold his family into slavery, forced the president into hard labor in a salt mine, and afflicted him with deep boils.
Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy, while God said Karl Rove could expect to be reincarnated as a Black Lesbian.
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