We Need a Joke Thread

[CO Liberal]

Since I obviously don't know what's funny, let's throw it open to the community.

Post something thet YOU think is funny.

[jeff30997]

1. I always put my money where my mouth is.

[BurtWorm]

2. "Knock knock"

Who's there?

"The interrupting cow."

The interr--

"Moo."

[JimmyJazz]

4. damn, I laughed at that - I'm am easy.

:P

[BurtWorm]

5. It never fails, for some reason.

:shrug:

[LeftCoast]

3. I can't think of a joke, but how about a picture?

[Lavender Brown]

9. OMG - UGH!

:puke:

[ScreamingMeemie]

6. Life is not a box of chocolates...

Life is like a jar of jalapeños.
What you do today
May burn your ass tomorrow


I put this in its own thread and it sank like a rock, so I'll put it here. :hi:

[JimmyJazz]

7. Post more threads about belly button lint - I'll bet those

won't sink! :P

[ScreamingMeemie]

20. I was surprised that that one got some replies.

;) Where is short bus anyway?? :hi:

[JimmyJazz]

26. Are you missing your daily stalking?

:P

And why does everyone seem to think I know where he is? You're not the first to ask. :7

[dean_dem]

17. Reminds me of my previous thread-killer...

Life is like a box of chocolates- you get a bunch of crap you didn't ask for, but eventually you find the one with rum in it.

[mogster]

8. The last thing you think before you die..

[StClone]

10. Supply-side economics explained

[Droolian]

11. OK - Why don't you know what's funny?

Funny's a subjective term anyway - there is not one single thing that every human being on Planet Earth finds funny. Except Britney Spears - maybe.

[CO Liberal]

14. That Was a Self-Pity Remark

I posted something earlier today that i thought was funny, and got attacked for it. I finally had to ask the mods to lock it.

BTW, welcome to DU!!! :hi:

[Droolian]

15. Thank you.

I shall try not to be so funny I am attacked for it. :-)

[TX-RAT]

12. "Man of the house"

The husband had just finished reading a book called 'Man of the house"
He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said " From now on i want you to know that i am the man of this house, and my word is law". I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal. I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then after dinner, your going to draw my bath so i can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?
His wife replied, "The funeral director"

[CO Liberal]

13. What do you call a guy with no arms or legs...

...in front of the door?
Matt

...in a ditch?
Phil

...in your hot tub?
Stu

...on your BBQ grill?
Frank

...waterskiing
Skip

...on a beach?
Sandy

...in a pool?
Bob

What do you call his dog in the pool with no legs?
Bob Barker

...on the wall?
Art

And what do you call his arms and legs?
Pieces of Art

What if he also doesn't have a tongue?
Tasteless Art

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs...

...in a pile of leaves?
Russell

Same guy after 6 months?
Pete

What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs in the water?
Swimming trunks

What do you call two guys with no arms & no legs hanging on a wall?
Curt 'n Rod

What do you call a guy with no legs and one arm, holding up your car?
Jack

What do you call a guy with no feet?
Neil

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter that the other?
Eileen

An Asian woman with the same affliction?
Irene

After the operation?
Noleen

(and in honor of The Funny Farm...)

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef

What do you call a cow with only 2 legs?
Lean Ground Beef

[J-Lo Biafra]

16. LOL! Those are classics!

I think you might be my new buddy. Limbless jokes always crack me up! :hi:

[arwalden]

21. How Do You Feel About HELEN KELLER Jokes?

Know any good cerebral palsy jokes? :hi:

[J-Lo Biafra]

19. What do Michael Jackson and JC Penney have in common?

:evilgrin:

[dean_dem]

18. Okay, this one is horrible so you've been warned...

What has two legs and bleeds profusely?

A: Half a cat.


And for the record I have a cat at home, so lighten up. Its funny.

[htuttle]

22. A Rabbi, a Priest and a Mullah walk into a bar...

Bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"


---------------------------
Bonus Joke

Skeleton walks into a bar, and says, "Give me a beer and a mop."

---------------------------

Thank you. I'll be here all week.

[mogster]

23. Haha! Funny! n/t

[furrylitldevil]

24. Completely tasteless dead baby joke

You've been warned!

Q: What's funnier than a dead baby?
A: Dead baby in a clown suit.
Q: What's funnier than a dead baby in a clown suit?
A: Ain't nothin' funnier than a dead baby in a clown suit!

*rim shot*

Told ya so.

[derby378]

25. Dickens cider

Somewhere along Highway 80 in east Texas, the Dickens Fruit Stand always does a brisk business during the holidays, but the product they've arguably had the most success with is their apple spice cider.

I remember the local sheriff was one of the original taste testers a few years back, and she loved this stuff so much that she can't go for a single day without some Dickens cider. Then she told the wife of the local United Methodist pastor about it, and the good church lady warms hers up on Sunday afternoons after services, which means she never goes without some hot Dickens cider while everyone else is watching the game.

So be sure to stop by and say hello if you see the Dickens Fruit Stand during your visit to Texas!

[Skinner]

27. Sorry folks.

I enjoy a good dead baby joke as much as the next guy, but I think there is a limit to what is appropriate for our diverse community.