Give me the stupidest statements you've ever heard

[huskerlaw]

Stupid questions are funny, but I personally enjoy stupid comments that are made with complete authority. Here's mine, it's long, but damn funny:

I was at my nephew's winter program with the family. The kids sang songs about Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa. My mother (very republican)says, "I hate this multi-cultural crap. All the kids are white!" True enough, this is small town Nebraska, but I respond, "Well maybe one of them is Jewish."

My step-father (also republican) says, in all seriousness, "Yeah, but there aren't any Australians here!" I have no clue what he's getting at, so I say "Well no, probably not..." He replies, "So why the Kwanzaa song?"

He said it loud enough that everyone near us heard him, literally 15 people are staring at him like he's got 3 heads. I say, "Um, Kwanzaa is for African-Americans. WTF does Australia have to do with anything?" He says, "Australia. Kangaroos. Kiwi...Kwanzaa!" Obviously by now he's realizing he's wrong, but refuses to back down. I'm still trying to figure out where he came up with it, when it dawns on me. I burst out laughing an practially yell "Qantas!! OMG, that's an AIRLINES!!!"

Needless to say, everyone around us was laughing hysterically. I think I'll buy him a Kwanzaa card and a beanie baby kangaroo for Christmas. ;)

[KitchenWitch]

1. LOL

That is FUNNY

[huskerlaw]

14. funny, but a bit scary too

he works at a large military base and does something classified with new-clear weapons. :scared:

[Liberal Veteran]

2. Jesus said: Give a man a fish and he'll for a day...teach a man to fish,

and he'll eat forever.

Once I got done laughing I told the guy that not only did Jesus not say that, it's not even in the bible.

He looked me right in the face and said: Well, he SHOULD have!

(It boggles the mind that a self-proclaimed Christian would presume to tell Jesus what he SHOULD have said or taught.)

[Left Is Write]

4. There are many people who are arrogant enough to think

they know not only what Jesus was thinking, but what God Himself thinks! It definitely is mind-boggling.

[mairceridwen]

5. the fishes and the loaves

Jesus is the one who gave fish to everyone...because he could

[Liberal Veteran]

10. Yeah, people forget that Jesus actually FED the people...

...during the sermon on the mount. He didn't teach them how to fish or make bread or tell them to get a job.

He also healed people without asking for their insurance card or making them sign a promisary note.

[DrWeird]

6. Give a man a fire and he'll be warm for the rest of the night.

Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

-Terry Pratchett.

[jeff30997]

16. Bwaaaaaaaaaahahahahaaaahh!!!

I just broke a rib laughing !

[phaseolus]

3. Not funny, unfortunately. A coworker

...sometimes says stuff like "N*****s all have a kind of stink to them...".

Stupid, unfunny, and ill-informed. I hate being around him when he's like that...

[bearfan454]

32. Ignorance is a powerful tool

if used correctlt. Just look at the wannabe repukes.

[CO Liberal]

7. GWB: "I'm a Uniter - Not a Divider"

I guess we all know now that line is bullshit.

[dean_dem]

8. "So you see, we needed to invade Iraq....

Because Osama Bin Laden was using Saddam's bases to fly planes into the WTC."

-Or something of that variety.

[mairceridwen]

12. saddam has a base in logan airport?

damn. that's news to me

[livinginphotographs]

18. He runs one of those small up-and-coming airlines.

They're advertised as having the cleanest ba'athrooms in the industry.

[dean_dem]

34. badda bing!!

Really? I heard they smell like Shiite.

[livinginphotographs]

60. Hussein that?

n/t

[ClintonTyree]

9. Years ago..................

upon returning from a glorious vacation in Barbados, I was talking to my (then) girlfriend's sister about it. She seemed quite interested about it, but when she asked, "did you go by bus?", the conversation quickly took a different course. That whole family was a few fries short of a Happy Meal. beautiful girls, but didn't have the brains god gave gravel.
That one always sticks in my mind in the "stupid statement" category.

[jeff30997]

19. Something similar:

A snob woman was bragging about her trip to Europe to my mother.Mom asked her if she was on first class on the plane. The woman answered: We didn't go there by plane,we took the car.

[mairceridwen]

11. oh man

I overheard this in a coffee place (paraphrased...there is no way I could do this justice):

"look, obviously americans would rather have someone who lies about WMDs, gives tax breaks to the rich, and is increasing government powers than a communist liberal from massachusetts."

And he was serious. As if the choice to vote for bush just proved how bad kerry was and not how ignorant the country is.

[Z_I_Peevey]

13. This is second-hand, but still....

My eldest child, a daughter, married into a family of Repub idiots (although my son-in-law is the best of the lot, and has been converted to sanity).

Anyway, they are vocal, stupid and stuck somewhere in the 1950s. They firmly believe men are smarter than women, and women are mere vessels for childbearing. Into this mix comes my daughter, raised liberal and not shy about it.

The men of this family are having a political discussion. My daughter is present. Freeper Dad says to Freeper Son, "I don't know why anybody complains about this country, it's the best country in the world!"

Freeper Son replies: "Yeah! Our system...uh, what is it called? Damn, I can't think of it. It starts with a 'D', I think."

"Democracy," my daughter interjects.

"No, that's not it," says Freeper Son dismissively. "It starts with a 'D'."

[jeff30997]

21. Demolition Derby ?

[trotsky]

24. Dictatorship!

See, he knew the word he wanted.

[ET Awful]

15. A good friend of mine were walking down the street in Boston

in February. My friend (who has lived in Mass. his whole life) looks at me and in all seriousness asks "what's that white stuff on the ground around that tree?"

I just stopped, and after I quit laughing, I calmly explained to him that it was snow :)


This same friend (who is actually pretty intelligent) was with me when I bought a new computer component. . . while was reading the documentation, I was happy to note that it had a limited lifetime warranty. I said "COOL, it has a limited lifetime warranty." He replied "Nice, how long is that good for?"

:)

[DelawareValleyDem]

17. That Clinton is responsible

for the word bigot being redefined to mean an intolerant person because it didn't mean that before he was elected. A freeper told me that when I was going at him on another message board. I asked him what it meant before Clinton, and how and why Clinton redefined it. He immediately launched into a diatribe about Kerry. Freeper Clinton theories are the best (or worst)

[THUNDER HANDS]

20. "Isn't AIDS a form of cancer?"

said by a journalism student my sophomore year.

I bet she's on MSNBC now.

[mairceridwen]

22. yeah

and that it is spread by spit and sweat


cancer of the spit

[Left Is Write]

36. And the ever popular: "Only gays and druggies get AIDS."

I've heard similar sentiments many times over the years.

[catmandu57]

23. My stepfather once told me

when I was putting a letter into an envelope, that it was folded wrong and the way I had it folded would make it weigh more and cost more money to send. Huh?

[pres2032]

25. "If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college."

[pinniped]

26. "I want to be a peace presidunce!"

Voiced by a true asshole.

[SemiCharmedQuark]

27. "Selling weapons to the Iran Contras doesn't make Reagan a criminal...

it makes him a Republican."

Said by my husband's assjack boss.

[MaryH]

28. A Note on a broken down car:

PLEASE DO NOT TOE! BROKE

[bearfan454]

29. We had a team meeting at IBM one time and my manager

was the scribe. She misspelled criticize as crittersize. Since we hated each other I had to point it out in front of everyone. She made a big deal about sounding it out and insisted it was crittersize. The whole room was laughing and I told her she needed to stop showing her intelligence level. She had already given me a lousy review because I burned her to HR for discrimination so I didn't care. Finally her manager told me - Just let it go Stevo.

[NJCher]

58. CRITTERSIZE!!!

OMG!

I am on the floor!


Cher

[TheCentepedeShoes]

30. So I'm carrying my mom

to a doctor's appointment a couple of weeks ago. She asks if I get good gas mileage. I say so-so here in town, pretty good on the highway. And she says "It might be better if you didn't play the radio.":shrug:

[Left Is Write]

37. Oh, yeah. Watch out for that gas-guzzling radio!

[the Princess]

31. My Ex-brotehr -in-law

Possibel the dumbest person I ever knew.

My sister had sent him to the store to get a few things. He came back with everything except dryer sheets. His explanation:

"They only had unscented and I didn't know what they smelled like so I didn't get them"

*I swear to God this is true*

[EstimatedProphet]

33. I heard this on a KC radio station church service broadcast

The minister was praying, and about halfway through he said:
"God...we know no economic disaster is greater than you."
I doubt he ever really figured out what he said...

[CanuckAmok]

35. "You know why ____ is so unpopular? Because nobody likes her"

said by a friend of mine in high school. It's stuck with me all these years, because it's so strange.

[Left Is Write]

39. This reminds me of a remark my daughter made the other day.

She is a senior in high school, and she's normally a bright, intelligent girl. It struck my funnybone when she said: "So-And-So is really popular, but she's stuck up and nobody likes her."

[CanuckAmok]

42. LOL...inter-generational classics never go out of style!

n/t

[abluegirl]

43. I swear this is true

A few years ago, a friend of mine was in the emergency room after a minor car accident. On the other side of the "curtain" she heard the following.

Man: "How do you spell that one medicine I take?"

Woman: "Duh. Sound it out. Pen-uh-sill-in"

Man: "I know that, but is it 'pin' like you wear or 'pen' like you write with?"

One mere moment later....

Man: What's that other medicine?

Woman: I think it's Anthrax.

Man: Hell no, Anthrax isn't a medicine...it's part of a bug...don't you remember from school...head, anthrax and abdomen?"

I've never forgotten that story.

[Left Is Write]

46. "Head, anthrax, and abdomen"! BAHAHAHAHA!

Oh, man, I'm laughing with tears here!

[dean_dem]

38. "My shoes only make my feet hurt when I stand up..."

Said by an ex-girlfriend who was slightly tipsy, and slightly stupid.

[Left Is Write]

40. Okay, so this isn't a statement, but it's funny anyway.

I know you're looking for definitive statements that are stupid, but this thread reminded me of something that happened while I was working in radio, so I'm posting it anyway.

A band of severe storms was running through the area in early June, and at one point, we were thrown off the air due to a problem with the transmitter. I fielded several phone calls about the issue, explaining that we were working on it and hoped to be back on the air shortly.

Here's one of those conversations:

Caller: Hi, I'm trying to listen to you, but all I'm getting is static.

Me: Yes, I know. We're having trouble with our transmitter, but they're working on it now. We'll be back on the air as soon as we can.

Caller: So it's not just my radio?

Me: No, it's not. We're off the air.

Caller: Oh, okay. Could you just announce that then, so people don't wonder if it's their radios?

[LDS Jock]

41. from the weather channel....

Vivian Brown reporting on a tornado in Alabama a few years ago.

"We have had reports of several fatalities which resulted in death."

Compare this to the fatalities which do NOT result in death.

[Merrick]

44. "Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease" - GW Bush

[Merrick]

45. Britney Spears:

Honestly, I think we should just trust our president in every decision he makes and should just support that, you know, and be faithful in what happens

[Left Is Write]

47. Too bad 59 million people agreed with that massive stupidity.

[robbedvoter]

51. Sez who? Diebold?

[Left Is Write]

52. Good point.

[TexasBushwhacker]

48. My mother taught at a middle school where the principal ...

an ex-coach (a job requirement for secondary principals in Texas), used to get his cliches mixed up. He would say things like "Don't stick your neck out on a limb" and our favorite, "We'll burn that bridge when we come to it."

[Amaya]

49. An oldie but always a goodie....

"There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." ~ gwb

:D

[jmm]

50. In a class I was taking about the Holocaust

while we were watching slides of people in the Lodz ghetto someone claimed the Holocaust was exaggerated because she never saw pictures of them wearing poor people's clothes like jeans and sweats. I buried my head in my arms on my desk. The professor said to me, "I know Miss M, I know," then proceeded to explain to her that in the early 20th century almost nobody, not even the poor :eyes:, wore jeans or sweats.

Almost as bad was a conversation I had with the ten year old son of the manager at a toy store I use to work at. He heard a customer try to speak to me in Spanish. I didn't learn much in the two years I studied it, but I knew enough to tell her what isle to look in. After the customer walked away he asked me where I was from. When I told him I was from here he said I couldn't be American because I wasn't white.
me: You don't have to be white to be from the US
him: You mean like when a couple from Puerto Rico come here and has a child and their child is then American.
me: Puerto Rico is part of the US.
I then made him get a globe and gave him the most PC US history lesson I could. When his mother saw us and asked what I was doing I said I was teaching her son what his school should've.

[InvisibleTouch]

53. "Wilderness land causes more pollution than industrial land."

Somebody said this on an animal-related mailing list. I kid you not. And the really scary part was that this wasn't an obvious moron whose text was full of typos and grammatical flubs, who could never find his shift key, and all the usual indicators. It was an articulate guy who by no means came across as stupid, at least at first glance - but he had been so horrifically mis-informed, and wanted to believe that misinformation so badly, that he sounded absolutely authoritative on these kinds of topics. Add to that an obvious chip on the shoulder and a sense of persecution and righteous indignation. He said some of the stupidest things I've ever heard in my life. Also among them: "There's no evidence of global warming" and "Any legislation that addresses animal welfare issues is an infringement of my rights." I paraphrase, but you get the gist....

[CanuckAmok]

55. Anything James Watt or Ronald Regan ever said.

Too many quotes to mention, but all are along the "Ketchup is a vegetable" line.

[davis_islander]

54. The story about the letter folding reminded me.....

Me and my wife were at the grocery store one time with my mother-in-law.
I put a couple of tomatoes in one of those little plastic baggies and tied a knot in the bag. She said "Don't tie a knot in it, it will weigh more at the check-out!"

[ElsewheresDaughter]

56. "Freedom Isn't Free" on yellow ribbons

[Skittles]

57. a coworker told me the deficit is "funny money"

he has a degree in accounting. :o

[NJCher]

59. this is more cultural

And as such, isn't really dumb. It's actually kind of cute.

They've had door problems for the longest time at a Korean greengrocer in my neighborhood. This door is mean and will catch your heel and mangle your shoe if you're not careful. I've seen any number of repairmen working on it and it seems like nobody can straighten out this door.

Anyway, one day they taped up a sign on the glass of the door, "don't let door hit you on way out!"

If that wasn't funny enough, as customers left the store, they would call out, in a sing-song voice, "Don't let door hit you on way out!"


Cher