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Many natural human instincts often amaze me. Like motherhood. And masturbation. Proper urinal etiquette is instinctual for most people, but there are some who somehow managed to slip through the gene pool filter and contaminate humanity. For those of you who lack the proper-urinal-etiquette gene, here are the Ten Commandments of Urinal Etiquette
COMMANDMENT 1: Fill out odd urinals first, and then evens.
Say you have 6 urinals in a restroom. Starting with the closest to the restroom entance, we'll number them 1 through 6. 1, 3, and 5 should be filled in first, followed by 2, 4, and 6. This is to maintain privacy as much as possible. You can deduce the sexuality of any man by their failure to follow these rules. If urinal 1 is occupied, and you walk past him all of the way to urinal 6, then you are obviously homophobic and most likely in denial of your own homosexuality. If the guy at urinal 1 leaves, and the next guys walks all of the way to urinal 5 to stand next to you at number 6, than that guy is either gay, or is very comfortable with themself and feels like making you uncomfortable. (I love doing that.) Guys who fill out even urinals before odd just fuck everything up with their stupidity and should be eliminated from the gene pool. Oh!, I almost forgot. There are also men (if you can call them that) that completely avoid the urinals and head straight for the stall to pee, a sure sign of insecurity or obsessive compulsiveness.
COMMANDMENT 2: Take thirty seconds to wash your fucking hands.
Why is this so hard? Honest. Just wash your hands. It isn't hard. Just wash your damn hands. Please, for Christ's sake, wash your fucking hands. Do you know why 2/3 of the people in this country are overweight? It isn't the food, it isn't stress, and it isn't GLANDULAR! It is because Americans are so damn lazy. They take an elevator to go up one flight of stairs. They drive to their fucking mailbox (I see this all of the time in my neighborhood.) They'll try every pill and weight loss scheme in the book instead of workout our for a mere twenty minutes. Just twenty fucking minutes! And they won't take 30 FUCKING SECONDS TO WASH THEIR FILTHY, DISGUSTING GODDAMN FUCKING HANDS! Whew...that felt good.
COMMANDMENT 3: Head down, eyes are your goods.
If you are bored, you may read the graffiti on the wall ahead of you. Almost all of this abide by this automatically, and yet there is always a burning desire to compare goods. Or is that just me?
COMMANDMENT 4: For the sake of humanity, don't stand four feet away from the urinal..
I'm not asking you to lean on the damn thing, just stand a reasonably close distance. Don't test your aim. It just isn't sanitary. I don't even care about that indecent exposure, I just don't want to walk around in your urine. Even when you don't miss, you are missing. This is what people don't seem to understand. I want you all to perform an experiment at home for me. Get a low power water gun, fill it with grape juice or some other stainable fluid, get your most valuable article of clothing, and shoot grape juice into your toilet from four feet away with this article of clothing between you and the toilet for a solid fifteen minutes. I want to see pictures of your 100% fucking accuracy. The spray factor will also tell you why you should clean your toilet regularly.
COMMANDMENT 5: Hands on your meat, not on your cell phone.
I don't know why this bothers me so much. It just does. What bothers me more is when guys put both of their hands on the wall in front of them and moan like their getting the best head ever. The worst thing about it is, every time I see that, it is a guy in a nice tailored suit. I guess what bothers me is I know they work with people, I know they don't wash their hands afterward, and I know they shake lots of people's hands. Oh! That reminds me of the next one:
COMMANDMENT 6: WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS
When I worked in the mall on a regular basis, I almost always used the restroom near the eatery when I was finished lunch. The restroom is always busy, 70% of them don't wash their hands, and I know half of them are about to eat food. Just thinking about it gives me the jibblies.
COMMANDMENT 7: Don't spit gum/tobacco/cigarettes/mucus in the urinal afterward.
This really bothers me. Why is this necessary? It seems to be like that final splash of paint on an ugly piece of modern art. "Oh, yes. My work is really coming along. The yellow is a real good contrast against the urinal cake. And the bubbles add such beautiful form. But it is missing something....hmmm....what could it be? My masterpiece isn't complete. WHAT DOES IT NEED?! Ah, YES! I'VE GOT IT!"
CHAUAUAUAUAUAUUAK.......FOOO!
"WUNDEBAR!" (sp?)
Fucking eww.
COMMANDMENT 8: Only use urinals the way they're indended to be used
That means no defecating, and no wacking off. Save that for the stalls. Why do I even have to mention this?
COMMANDMENT 9: Old people have right-of-way
This one is just plain courteous. When you get an enlarged prostate from years of drinking caffeine and being rough with the anal beads, you will understand.
COMMANDMENT 10: Did I mention to wash your hands?
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